When I told him I loved him and then we broke up.

On Thursday, my friend Joanna and I had stayed up half the night while she worked on artwork as a gift/commission for Daniel and I. She has this tendency to draw and be inspired by all my dates and I had been pestering her to draw us and I finally bribed her to draw us. She used an actual photo of Daniel in his custom riding jacket, and actual photos of his custom bike- a Triumph Scrambler to do it. It is us. Our clothes, our faces, and our hearts.

It had been such an awful week that I really needed a pick me up, and she finally got it done on early Friday morning. I had an easy print done at FedEx on 60# paper and carried it with me up the sidewalk on G Street to his sweet little apartment and I worried what I would find there.

I loved it, but I carried it with a heavy heart.

Daniel's security building door has been broken the last couple of weeks, so although I have the door code, I couldn't knock on his door since it hasn't been working. As I walked up, I remember I saw the slat for the blinds swinging, as if it had just been adjusted, and they were wide open so I knew he had to be home. I knocked on the window and peered in. All was quiet for a moment, and then he hesitatingly peered around the corner and saw me looking back at him. Slowly and sort of softly he disappeared around the corner and I walked to the front door.

It took what felt like a long time for him to get to the front door and I began to worry he wasn't actually coming to the door to let me in. Could he actually do that? But before I really had time to worry about this, he finally opened his front door, and then opened the main building door.  And stood there.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

And the thing I was afraid he would say was the answer... "I don't know."

I asked if I could come in, and my memory of this right now is that at first he said, I don't know, but that may not be right. Because we did go in, just not immediately. We stood at the building door for a little bit, looking confused and upset. But then we walked inside to his apartment hallway, and stood there in the dark.

I told him, if he ever needed alone time, or space, or if something was wrong, he could ALWAYS ask me for it and I would ALWAYS give it to him. And he said he knew that. And then he said... He was just in this weird place. And I asked him what that meant... And he said he didn't really know. But, it had something to do with his ex.

And my soul stung. And tears began to hit my cheeks.

We walked into the apartment all the way now, because now that he admitted what it was, we knew we were having a problem. A problem that couldn't just be talked about in the hallway.

I guess once he said it, it made it real. As long as he held me guard outside the apartment, it's almost as if he could keep it from happening, but once I wrestled and pushed my way in, he had to tell me. And then he couldn't stop this conversation from happening. This conversation that would let me in on the confusion that had been tormenting him.

I sat down on the arm of the couch and he sat down next to me. Like it would be a short conversation. Or as if I was no longer welcome in this apartment that he had shared with her. As soon as he mentioned her, it was as if I had been alienated or banished from the home. This little apartment I had loved and kissed him in. Watched movies and listened to records on vinyl. Lovingly watched him play guitar. We hadn't even said anything, but everything about my body language screamed the rejection I had already accepted. Thinking on it now, I had one too many break up conversations with my college boyfriend. And that was a disservice to me. My little heart is not as spirited as it should be when it goes into battle.

We sat together, and we both cried. He told me he had been emailing his best friend the last couple of weeks saying he missed her. He didn't really get why... But he understood now it was incredibly arrogant of him to think he could go from one relationship to the next without processing the loss. I told him he was grieving and he said that was the best word and I talked about the bereavement certification I had gone through. We talked a lot in that class about how divorces, separations and break ups mimic the feelings of a death. Especially if there is no contact afterwards. Uncoupling is difficult, and can be even more difficult if there is an element of rejection. When a spouse is lost to death, you often have the reassurance that they loved you. In a separation, there is no reassurance of this, and it shakes the person in a different way. Relationship books on loss go into this in depth. I've read about them for both death, and separation, and did the certification. It's always discussed. Always.

We talked about him being depressed, and his confusion over his feelings- mostly his feelings of loss, and he described as a big black cloud that had snuck up on him and just consumed him. And then he didn't know how to talk to me about it. He had wanted to, and he had been trying to figure it out, and that's why he hadn't responded yet. He wanted to work it out in his head first before he came to me. I told him how much he worried me, and that I had been frantic, and driven past his house to check on him, and all of the terrible scenarios that had gone through his head. And he seemed to know that that was where I was at. But he just ... couldn't be present. He was so checked out and so far gone he just couldn't come back to me to check back in. He was so messed up. He apologized for worrying me. It wasn't his intention. He just had to be gone. I asked if the concert was fun and he said... Not really. Apparently they ran into friends of his exes. They were in that neighborhood and I think it was just more rawness for him. I don't know if he socialized with them or they were friendly, I didn't ask. I just saw the pain on his face and it was enough. He had already run into the ex herself at a concert he had invited me to in October and I am sure that was not good for anything. He called that show cathartic, but part of me wonders. I also wish I had been there. Maybe it would have changed something for him to merge his past and present. I don't know.

At this point I said, I don't know if this is a stupid question, but "Are you saying you want this to be done?" And he said he didn't know. That was more towards the beginning of the conversation, and again a reason why he wasn't ready to have this conversation with me. He didn't know. He has feelings for me. He cares about me. He didn't think he wanted me to go anywhere.

But the further we got along in talking he said at some point... He can't do this. It's not that he doesn't want to. It's that he can't. He can't take care of, or accept himself. He feels like a failure, with his personal life and a litany of other things. I stopped him, and I told him, you understand, I accept you for all of those things right? I accept you for the entire package you come in. And he said... But I don't.

He said he can't even begin to start to take care of another person and my feelings and needs.And it's going to be a long time before he gets into that place. Probably at least until after the bar. At this point, I began to sob. Giant, heaving, uncontrollable sobs. I just lost it.

It was so raw and painful I could not hold it in, and he could not hold me tight enough to make it stop. He had to get up and walk away from me, which, I think is a first in any break up conversation I've had with a man. The pain was too intolerable to him. At least that's how I took it. He went and got me a glass of water and stood behind me and rubbed my back but he didn't sit beside me again. I think he just couldn't bear it.

All I could think was, 7 months without this kind, wonderful, loving man... How can I do this? It felt final. How much could happen in that time and I didn't want anything to change. Oh, how I loathe change.

He came around and stood in front of me and told me that he had dinner plans with his sister. I was angry. He had and I had a date that day. How could he have made plans with her? (And now reflecting back, that also means he had reached out to her, and he hadn't reached out to me during that quiet time when I was so worried. Although, she must have been the only one, because he told me that he had at least 17 text messages from people asking if he was okay, and they were worried about him on Saturday morning when he turned his phone back on- it had been off.) I told him we were not going to rush this conversation and that could he please text her and push back dinner plans by at least 30 minutes so we could have more time. He didn't argue, he just did it.

At some point he sat on the couch, while I stayed on the arm rest, and I negotiated us cuddling in bed. At first he said yes, we could cuddle on the couch? And I said no. I wanted to cuddle on the bed. His bed had been the center of his home for most of our dating life. He hadn't even had a couch until the last couple of weeks and we had used his bed as a make shift couch in his living room. It had been our dining room table, our music center, where we watched movies, did homework, worked on the computer, and made out. It's also not the bed he had with his ex. It was our spot. Like a big comfy cocoon that we had nestled down into. Logistically, his couch was also just tiny and there was no real way for him to just hold me either, which is what I needed.  I needed to be able to hug him, and to be hugged by him. As I told him, "I'm not going to try and initiate something if that's what you are worried about." And so, with some reluctance, he climbed into the bed with me, which had been recently moved into the master bedroom.

It is interesting to me now, that his dark cloud appeared about the same time he moved his bed. His ex's bed used to be in the master, and his was in the guest bedroom. When she left, he moved his into the living room, which is how I knew his home. At first I had refused to come over- a bed in the living room? Get a couch! But eventually I succumbed and I really preferred the bed to the couch. There was more room to spread out. It was more comfortable, and I could fall asleep while he did home work and we watched the news. It was bliss. But now I wonder. When he moved the furniture... it meant things had moved on, and also he was sleeping in that room he had shared with her. I just wonder how much that bothered him. Whether he realized it or not.

He laid on his back, and at first I tried to make him spoon me, but he stayed squarely on his back, so choking back tears again, I turned over and laid my head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around me. We talked for awhile. He cried. I cried. I would make a joke and we would laugh a little. Then I told him I had something shitty to tell him and he wouldn't like it. He said he deserved it and to go ahead. I said he already knew what I was going to say... And then he sighed a little and said Oh. Because then he knew. And I paused for a long time, because I began to become overcome with emotion. But I wanted to say it. And I told him, I know you wanted to say it first, but I don't want us to leave each other and for me to not say how I felt. I don't want to regret not sharing that with you. I don't want to hold anything back. And I paused for a long time, and cried into his belly. And then I told him I loved him.

I said it a few times. And he wiped back tears, and we held each other.

And he said how much he wished he could say it back. That he wanted to love me, but he just wasn't there. He jumped with me. He jumped when I jumped. He leaped when I did off that cliff. ... And halfway down his foot got caught on a rock, and no matter what he did he just remained stuck in this spot and he could not go further than he was right now. He was trapped. And he didn't want to be there, but there he was.

Around quarter to 5 he noted the time and we got up and put our shoes on and I collected my things and put my water glass away and used the restroom. I remember looking in the mirror and wiping away the smears of my mascara thinking- this is the last time I will ever be in this bathroom, in this apartment. I love this apartment. I love this man. I don't want to be apart from him. I tried to look at everything really hard so I could remember it.

We hugged and kissed each other in the hallway, and again at the door, and then again on the sidewalk. As he hugged me one last time I told him I loved him again. He offered to walk me to my car, and said he was worried about me, but I told him, he was under no obligation to do anything at this point. So he walked across the street to his little station wagon, and I walked back up the sidewalk alone, my shoulders heaving choky sobs. I felt like the moment we parted he took a part of my soul with him. I suppose that is true with every person we love, but this separation hurt me on a level I won't ever be able to articulate.

When Daniel Disappeared

Tuesday morning, the 17th was the deposition at UCDavis where I got to try my hand at acting. Like I said before, all went great and I had fun. Daniel was affectionate and lovely. When he dropped me off at my house that day, he said he didn't exactly know what would happen at work that night and we might need to play our date that night by ear. He said he would give me updates, and I smiled, kissed him a few times with enthusiasm and said I would see him later. We hugged, and I got out of the car and he drove on to work.

And then things got weird.

I didn't really hear from him the rest of the day, which, since we had spent the morning together, I wasn't expecting a slew of texts, but I sort of expected more updates. I wasn't worried though. Later in the day he texted and said it looked like it would be a 6 hour work day instead of a 4 hour work day. So I gave him a sad face, :( and extended my sympathies, since it was a long day for him. After an hour or two, I sent a hesitant text... It was after 7:30 or 8:00pm at this point, and I had been waiting to eat dinner with him... Was that last text supposed to be a cancelation on our date? After a bit of a delay, he answered and said that, unfortunately, he had another 30 minutes to go on the memo he was working on (he was apparently still at work) and after that was going to have a meeting with his boss on the memo. So, it looked like it wasn't going to happen and he apologized.

I was disappointed not to see him, but it was okay. It was late-ish, and he has very early mornings so I understand. I just wished he had told me earlier that things were running late. And I texted him this- and sent a kissy face too so he knew I wasn't mad. Just try to let me know earlier next time, okay?

But he never answered that night. He never let me know when he left the office and never said goodnight, which is odd for him. We always say goodnight. It felt odd going to sleep without hearing from him. I figured I'd get a text in the morning.

Wednesday I got up and there was no word from Daniel. He always texts me good morning. Again, it was weird to not hear from him. I don't usually have to initiate.  I went to my kickboxing class at 9:30 and tried to push it out of my head. He is a grown man, and has freedom of movement after all. He probably went to bed late, and he would have been up at 5:00am for his crossfit class. He was probably just tired. I sent him off a text before class, "Are you alive?? Where'd you go last night?" And let him know I was up in the area around the bike shop we had visited over the weekend and could pick up the repair part he needed if he wanted me to.

About half way through class I was struck with the strongest impression something was desperately wrong. Something was wrong with him. He was hurt or in pain, or something terrible was happening. My heart raced and I struggled to stay in the class. I had to shake off tears the feeling was so strong that something was wrong.

I made it through class and got in my car afterwards and checked my phone- he had just texted me when class ended at 10:35- he said, "I died." That's all he wrote.

I wrote him about my little panic attack and asked him if he was okay.

Two hours later he answered and said he was fine, don't panic, he was just exhausted. I texted him a few other thoughts, and a funny article. He sent a one word answer to the article hours after the fact, and that was it.

That Sunday we had prearranged our dates for the week: Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. So I was expecting another date on Wednesday, or to at least see him, especially since he had cancelled the day before, and I definitely wouldn't be able to drop by or say hi the next two days since he had events going on. (A work thing Thursday and a concert in San Francisco Friday.)

At 6:30pm I checked in about our date, because I hadn't heard from him. At 8:30, I checked in again because he hadn't answered.

At 10:15, he finally responded, apologized, said work had been crazy and wrote a long apologetic text saying work and school was exhausting and he was going to bed and he would hopefully be more talkative tomorrow and hoped I had had a good day.

At this point I was worried. Daniel and I text all day long. We see each other just about every day. In November ("No fun November" as he called it,) it had been less so, but it was very common for me to drop by his house for a hug or to watch a quick sitcom and cuddle on the days we weren't supposed to see each other because we MISSED each other. To not hear from him for hours was... in a word... bizarre. Huge red flags were flying up for me and I was worried. I couldn't sleep and I was starting to reach out to friends because I was getting stressed about his behavior. Something felt off. I could feel something was wrong. Daniel and I are so involved in each other emotionally I could smell there was more to this. I threw a lot of ideas around but my suspicions were he was having some kind of a depression problem.

I sent him a few more texts that night in response to his long one- that I was glad to hear from him and that I had been worried, I sent him a hug, a heart and hoped he slept well. I was relieved, but still rattled.

Thursday morning, I still didn't get a text from him. No good morning, and my heart sunk. I waited.... and around 11:30 I sent him my own "Good Morning, How are you?" message.

He said, "Running around like a dying chicken. You?"

Again I got short messages from him. He's busy. Running around. Class. Work. Depo Work.

I told him it seemed like he was flailing.

He said no... Just running.

I asked him about standing me up. I told him I was scared. I asked him if I did something.

HOURS pass without an answer.

These were the last text messages I got from him:

:( I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. Life just got ridiculously busy.

I didn't know what to say, so I just wrote, " :(  "

At 6:45 he wrote back, "Don't be frowny. Done at work and heading to Larry's reception."

And I never heard from him again.

I texted him some silly things that night (I thought I left my oven on for hours  and left the house with an acorn squash in it, but luckily I was so worried at this point I only pre-heated the oven and didn't set the temp!) and the next morning, and he never answered.  My friend did this beautiful piece of artwork for us that she worked on all night Thursday night and into Friday and kept me up late texting as she worked on it. A friend woke me up early the next morning and I grumpily texted Daniel at 5am when he should have been headed to crossfit to complain about being woken up. When the artwork was ready I texted "YAY!" and told him his surprise was ready.

It might sound weird to somebody else that I sent that handful of messages without a response, but we were in a relationship and at that point I didn't have any self consciousness about the "number" of messages I was sending. (And I shouldn't have anyway.) We had an agreement that if he needed space he would ask for it, and he hadn't. He literally told me all was fine, he was just busy. He was definitely behaving out of character, but he had reassured me so the only thing I could do was trust his word.

Around noon on Friday I still hadn't heard from him, so I wrote, "Hello?"

He never opened the message or responded.

He was supposed to go to that concert in the Bay that night and at that point I was starting to worry  about what could be going on and my imagination was definitely running away with me.  So I gave him a call around 5pm and casually left a voicemail and said I hoped he had a great time at the concert, but could he drop me a text or call before or after since I hadn't heard from him since the day before. Then I just let it lie.

I went to dinner with a friend that night but she was insistent we go to this particular restaurant that Daniel and I used to go to every week- the one where I realized I loved him- and the wait was long, and the restaurant was full of couples. All I could think about was Daniel. I absentmindedly ordered his favorite meal and favorite wine and tried not to cry at the table. On the way home I swung by his house to see if he was there, but was absolutely relieved to see he wasn't. Hopefully, he was at the concert.

Like I've said before, music is super important to him. It's meditative, it's a release, and it helps him cope with emotions when things are hard. I wanted him to go and get that release and break if he was having a hard time. So I was glad he wasn't home, even though he was worried.

I went home that night but was restless. Later on, I saw he posted on instagram and Facebook from the concert. He had gone! Excellent! But... He hadn't contacted me. And I hadn't the faintest idea why. I was so confused. I couldn't stop saying that. I AM SO CONFUSED. What on earth was going on with him?

I finally fell asleep but when I woke up the next morning, I was greeted by more social media posts by Daniel. He had been out late, and posted all about it. I was so baffled. I went to my kickboxing class upset and rattled. I was GLAD he went, let me make that clear, but his behavior confused me. He had literally told me nothing was wrong between us, so why was he acting like there was a problem? What was going on with him?

My gut said... This was him pulling away because of his ex or something. He was having some kind of internal struggle and he was overthinking something and he was internalizing stuff. This is not what I wanted. I'd rather he just be an asshole who flaked on me. Because I could get mad at that. But a guy who was going through an actual struggle- I couldn't be angry at that because I understood. I had been there. The guy had been through a lot. It was understandable. I wasn't exactly sure why it would be happening now, but something had happened, I felt sure. Something was wrong. I said this over and over to friends. Something's wrong. This isn't him.

After class I texted him, and said, "Looks like you had fun at the concert? I'm not sure what's going on with you but I deserve an explanation."

Then I went home, showered, did my hair, makeup, got dressed and waited. I figured it he stayed in the city or at a friend's house he'd be home by mid-afternoon. I'd swing by his place then and try and find him. We were supposed to have a date Saturday. He should be home and free.

Around 2:30 I headed over to his house, and began to sob in the car. This horrible feeling of dread just overcame me. I needed him, I loved him, I was worried sick about him and I had no freaking clue was on earth was going on with him. I was worried for his safety on some levels. I just needed to know he was okay. I called a friend on the way over and cried into the phone. She thought I was massively overreacting and said if he wasn't returning my messages to just leave him alone. To me this felt wrong. That's not our relationship. If you talk and see someone every single day and they just disappear you don't not check on them. You check on them. You have to.

So when I pulled up to his street and saw his car there, my heart stopped, because I knew something was going to happen. I would see him or talk to him in just a minute and I was overwhelmed with nerves. What on earth had happened since Tuesday when he kissed me so adoringly in the car? What could have changed his behavior overnight? I felt so lost. I hung up the phone and walked the couple blocks from where I parked back to his house. At this point, I could only hope that he was 1.) actually home and 2.) actually open the door.

(Practice) Deposition with Daniel at School Date!

Sunday Daniel and I had a date at his house and he prepped me to be his fake witness (a crazed widow in an insurance lawsuit!) for his Pre-Trial class at school. We went over some of the details of the case, and then he asked me practice questions about the case like the opposing "lawyer" ( a classmate) would ask when I would go to school with him later that week. I was super prepared and on Tuesday Daniel picked me up and took me to school with him! Which was VERY exciting!

Since I was heading into enemy territory, I was sure to bring my University of Oregon School of Law coffee mug.

Daniel had class before the Depo, so he gave me hugs and kisses (and I poured coffee down the side of his suit because I was so shocked he PDA'd me at school in front of all those people he went to school with who knew his whole story) and I settled down in the commons with my coffee and entertained myself. I was mistaken for a student several times, which was fun for me too. I liked being back in a law school again, even though King Hall isn't as fancy as Knight (where I went to school). ;)

The Depo took place in a small room with a tv-computer screen type thing that recorded all of us through everything. The other student, Betty was super nice, but she totally didn't get anything out of me. Betty pretended to be one lawyer, Daniel pretended to be my lawyer, and I pretended to be the crazed widow. Betty asked really specific questions that either weren't in my prompt- and so I would answer "I don't know," or "I don't recall," which was a totally legit response because it was totally truthful. The prompt I had said my husband was drunk the night of the accident, but Betty kept asking if my husband was an alcoholic, or how many drinks he had had that night. I didn't know the answer to either of those questions. But if she had asked if he was drunk, I could have said yes. I was DYING to just tell her he was drunk (the night of this fictional accident) but Daniel told me not to volunteer information. Finally the timer went off- she could only ask me questions for 30 minutes- and she very exasperatedly sunk back in her chair because she had gotten NOTHING out of me. So then Daniel and I told her what had been in the prompt and talked about it all and we just laughed. Daniel was actually afraid I had done TOO well with the depo because I almost stonewalled the other attorney. If nothing else, he said he could argue I was extraordinarily very well prepared. And I will take that compliment! It was fun! I got asked to do a lot of Depo's in Oregon but was too shy to do them but I am glad I did this one. It felt like a fun bonding thing, and I felt like I got to see inside of Daniel's school world, which made me feel good.

After the Depo, Daniel was super affectionate and kissy and he drove me home and we tried to make plans to hang out that night but we kind of had to play it by ear because of his work schedule so it was sketchy. It ended up not working, but it was a good day and date!

Race Report: Beat the Blerch Half Marathon (My First!)

I finally did it, my first Half Marathon! I signed up for this thing months in advance because it sold out just hours after registration opened up- they even had to add extra days on the tour schedule because so many people tried to register. It was a little insane!

The night before the race, I picked up take out from Jack's Urban Eats and headed over to Daniel's to hang out. Urban fries (sweet potato fries covered in blue cheese dressing, blue cheese crumbles, spicy chili oil, red pepper flake and parsley!), mac n cheese and I think I might have had salad or something in there too. lol But I think my bottom line goal was to just have carbs. It was my excuse to eat badly after our crappy week and all of the junk food put me in an AWESOME mood and I felt great. I chowed down on the couch and did a little happy dance and Daniel just laughed at me. We hung out and talked and watched tv and cuddled a bit and then I headed home for a full nights rest before the race!

Saturday, November 14th I drove over to Raley Field in West Sacramento and lined up to the tunes of "Circle of Life" (yes, from the Lion King) and did my very first 13 mile run! I had basically stopped training for the race when Daniel and I started dating in September, so I was a wee nervous about how this was going to go, but I was still fairly optimistic because the course had an incredibly long time limit- something like 6 hours because there was also a full marathon also going on at the same time. I had picked this race specifically because it was a theme race and a fun run. All of the aid stations were stocked with nutella, birthday cake and "magical purple drink." The course also had couches for people to crash out on in case they wanted to quit! If the race hadn't been coming to Sacramento already, I would have flown to Washington where the race originated to take part in the main race. I did get to see the creator, the author of The Oatmeal when he was posing for pictures with people, which was fun and I got to take pictures with the Blerchs. (People in fat suits who chased us on the course route!)

Pre-Race Selfie!

 The Oatmeal!

These are BACON WRAPPED MARSHMALLOWS. (I passed...)

We ran a large portion of the course together, running alongside the river, crossing over Tower Bridge, weaving through Old Sacramento and Downtown and Midtown- I realized I was going to be running super close to Daniel's house and wished I had warned him so he could have come out and cheered for me! I ended up snapping him a picture of me waving at him instead as I passed nearby and we texted throughout the race. After I passed by his house (literally we live that close to each other) and then headed over into Discovery Park.

Waving Hi to my Sweetheart from a few blocks over, and yes, I was wearing fancy earrings. lol

My pace was pretty consistent, around 14 something minute miles, which was pretty great since I hadn't trained and was run-walking. I also had to take a few time outs because my sock rolled down pretty early on in the run and my heel started bleeding which stressed me immensely. I was able to find a first aid station though and got some band aids, although it was a pretty big bummer because my skin was sweaty and the band aids wouldn't stick. I tried to make due but my heels was pretty raw by the end.

Running through Discovery Park was the sketchiest part of the course and I for sure saw people having sex in the bushes along the river. I also very nearly saw a homeless fight start to break out going over one of the bridges, but it calmed down really quickly. This lady was telling this man to not mess with her, and I was thinking, yeah, I would not mess with you either!

After I got into double digital mileage I really started losing steam and sort of wanted to die a little. I started texting Daniel more and he was sending me encouragement and telling me I could do it, and I was so close! I stopped and took a bathroom break and accidentally stopped my time on my iPhone and lost about a .25 mile on the screen which about killed me! At the later aid stations I started getting a little more desperate and I switched from using my Gu and shot blocks to taking some of their birthday cake, and the electrolyte drink hoping it would help with my crashed out stores. I think it actually did help a little- probably the sugar, or maybe just having something different after all those miles of the same thing? I had never actually gone that far in training, not even close.

Coming into the finish was VERY exciting. We ran across Tower Bridge, down the street, behind Raley field and then finished ON the field. I smiled big like Runs for Cookies always says to do and got great pictures! I was very proud! I had really hoped Daniel would be in the stands waiting for me- I had hinted as such but we hadn't made actual plans to do so. So while I hadn't exactly expected it- I had hoped, and I was a little bummed I came into the stadium alone. It really made me miss my Oregon running friends A LOT after such a huge achievement.

 

 

 We got free downloads of all of our photos with our race registration but I never looked at them on a computer so this is all I have!

 

The food station was set up right at the finish, which I really appreciated because I didn't have to fight anybody for the food! I got potato chips and a banana and water and plopped into a seat to have a few bites of everything before hauling my butt up all the stairs to head out. I got pictures with a Blerch, and posed on one of the couches with a big jar of Nutella while I texted Daniel. He actually had come into West Sac to run some errands and was waiting for me over at my house, which was right near the stadium. So I headed out and met him back at home and he picked me up!

We went to In N Out for a celebratory lunch- burger for me, double-double for him, I think, and we both skipped fries and then ran around to some motorcycle shops a little further from town looking for a part to fix his bike from that accident back on Halloween. It was really fun to watch him nerd out with shop owners and listen to him talk about stuff he often knew more about that they did (he knew how to modify his bike to make other parts work on it) and one guy, the place he ended up ordering the part from said he must be on the online forums a lot and we both chuckled a bit. The nerding out was just cute to me and I said so. I wish we took a picture!

I was really sore and tired after the race so after shopping Daniel took me home and tucked me in and he went home to work on homework. Sunday we had plans to prep me for a (pretend) deposition he had at school. Busy weekend!

 

Not bad at all for my first time!!!!!!!! I'll have to come back to include my splits! But for my first time, without training, I am totally happy with my time. :)

Rick's Dessert Diner Date with Daniel

After our big conversation about the ex, I really wanted to make a conscious choice to put everything behind us and move forward. I loved and accepted Daniel for the person that he was as a whole package. The wounds he had acquired before we met made him the empathetic and kind person that I had fallen in love with. While I think some of the choices his ex made while she was ending their relationship were less than kind, or considerate, and I think Daniel overlooked plenty of red flags and pushed aside and avoided a number of problems for his own part- I think this woman was brave for walking away from something she knew was a wrong fit for her. She didn't do this break up well by any means, but she didn't go forward with a relationship that she knew was wrong for her. And that was the right thing. Unfortunately, that crushed Daniel. She should have done it better. But she didn't, so here we are.

That week, I was feeling very triggered by my own relationship history and I really needed Daniel to step up and be there for me and reassure me that all was okay. But the problem was, Daniel was having his own hard time. So here we are, having this mutually excruciating emotional crisis, and both needing different kinds of support. Daniel didn't feel emotionally available and I needed support. The incongruency there was not so great.

Wednesday we had a date night and I told Daniel I really needed a solid, sweet date for us. I needed to feel good. But he was feeling low, and and even his language in talking sounded low. He suggested I come over for a movie and we could stroll over to Rick's Dessert Diner and get take out and bring it back to his apartment. For whatever reason, this just did not feel good enough to me. I am a pretty easily impressed person but I just needed... more. My messages to him had an off tone, and I told him, I was trying to be excited and I understood he was tired, I just needed a little dazzle. He said he was tired but that a nice quiet night in sounded good and that it felt date-y to him. I felt weepy and cried before our date but tried to pull it together. I got dressed up and tried to pull it together but I couldn't shake my mood.

I grabbed some of my favorite movies, and my pretty new white coat and headed on over to Daniel's!

I was trying really hard to rally, but... honestly I ruined this date. Daniel had stopped being physical with me at this point (saying he was too stressed studying and finals and emotionally drained with everything) and after the lying incident I really needed some kind of affirmation. But having your partner recoil when you put your hand on their chest and say things like, "Don't touch my fat." every single time you try to cuddle with them really has an effect of putting up a huge wall between you. I felt sensitive and rejected. I'd try to tease him and flirt with him over text, and reading back over them, there were a few instances where he had started to play back with me but I was already feeling so rejected and so sensitive to his physical sensitivities (he would literally stiffen when I tried to be close to him) that I needed an overt declaration of interest because I felt so beaten down, especially after the conversation on Monday. I was trying really hard not to take it personally because Daniel had explicitly told me he was SO tense about school and we both acknowledged there was weirdness between us, but we wanted to power through it and we knew we could overcome it because we cared so much about each other. This night though, I just felt drained and emotional. I don't remember what movie we ended up watching, but I do remember thinking I ruined this date. Daniel tried really hard and I just fucked it up. I guess I had the right to feel off with everything that was going on, but I did feel bad. This was hard.

Finding the truth out about Daniel

All day Monday I struggled with the knowledge I had uncovered about his relationship past. It was our routine for him to text me from early in the morning and for us to converse, essentially, all day long. Happy, loving messages through out the day. I felt like I was lying to him. I felt terrible. But he had literally lied to me. I had to wait until his day ended to have this conversation with him.

All day long I tried to keep things as normal as possible so as not to tip him off, and I tied up loose ends with the rest of the research I needed to do on the matter. It felt awful. I loved this man. I was pretty sure I understood why he had done what he had done, but I had questions and I wasn't sure what was going to happen that night. I was scared.

Daniel didn't get home from class until after 7:30pm that night, and basically, as soon as he did I checked in, and asked if I could come over. I felt so guilty when he responded with excitement for me to swing by. It was not uncommon for one of us to run over to the other's house on long days to sneak in a hug because we missed each other. I know this is what he was thinking- and I felt terrible because I was basically going to ambush him. I can't say this enough- I loved this man.

I drove over to his house and he was in the middle of making tea when I got there. It's funny because, our conversation (I think) is actually preserved on his Instagram. He had taken a picture of his tea cup I guess right before I got there, and posted it... but we started talking and he never drank it. The photo is still there. It's like this memorial. A bad memorial. I wish I could erase it sometimes, and then I think... It was evidence that it happened. And that's okay too.

I came in and we had hugs and kisses and I asked him to put down his tea and sit on the couch so we could talk and he was immediately alarmed. He even said, (half-jokingly) "That's never good when a girl says that." But I just told him to please sit.

I had thought a lot about the least threatening way to do this and I wanted to present him with an opportunity to come clean. I wanted him to tell me the truth on his own. I was praying that he would. I valued and cared about this relationship more than any other relationship I had ever been in. I connected with this man more than any other person I had ever met. He felt like me more than I was. He felt like an extension of myself. I had been more of myself with him than I ever had been with anyone, ever. I wanted to give this relationship every opportunity to succeed. I had thought long and hard about how on earth to have this really hard conversation without shaming him or trapping him.

I think I started by telling him, "You remember that lawyer quote, 'Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to?'" He nodded. I specifically brought this up for a couple of reasons. 1.) I wanted to make a joke. This is the essence of me. 2.) I wanted to give him a heads up that I already knew everything. I wasn't going to say this next part, or ask this next question without already knowing the answer... So in other words... please don't blow this Daniel. Come clean.

"Is there anything we haven't talked about that we should? Like your relationship history or anything?"

And he looked confused. But his facial expression, for once, wasn't one I could easily read and I wasn't sure if he understood what I was saying or not. I repeated the question and he, at some point, said, "No." And I became very shaky, and began to cry and repeated the question again. "There's nothing you have held back or haven't told me? Nothing?" And he said "No?" With a look of absolute puzzlement on his face.

In my head all I could think was, this relationship is over. He lied to me before, he is lying to me right now, and I am going to have to get up and walk out that door because that is the boundary I set for myself and I cannot violate that rule for myself. I held back choky sobs as I try, one more time, "There isn't anything you haven't told me about --- [Ex]--- that you should have already?" And then his face clicks into the conversation immediately. "Yes. We dated this year, not last year."

Finally I can exhale. "And?"

"And we were engaged."

I can let it all out now, and I cry, but more from relief than anything else.

There's so much of this conversation I don't even remember because I was so emotional. Afterwards he told me at first he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. It wasn't until I explicitly dropped her name that he realized what I was talking about.  In a nutshell though, he was somewhat horrified I had found out, impressed that I had figured out to the level of detail that I had, and ashamed that he hadn't told me himself. He had been trying to tell me for awhile and had tried to several times- in several specific conversations I could specifically remember even. One memorable one in which we had discussed wedding venues and he slipped on a detail about another ex, and he almost stopped and told me right then, and then.. couldn't bring himself to. When I talked about it with Kristin later she said, maybe he made the comments he did about snooping on Facebook the night before because it was just easier for him if I figured it out myself. He basically outted himself. He got in so deep he didn't know how to get out of it. And honestly, I can say I relate to that too. I still have a client who thinks Matt died. Not because I explicitly told her that, but because she assumed based on my behavior back then and I had no idea how to correct her. 5.5 years later and I still see this client at least once a year and I have no idea how to get out of this. One lie begets another.

For Daniel, telling me he had been single for a year, that single sentence had enormous consequences. First, it changed the timeline of his relationship history. He had to flip flop the timeline of other dating relationship, moving it forward a year, even though that one had actually happened a year previously. When I asked if he had always lived in his excessively large 2 bedroom apartment alone, he hesitated and said he had had a roommate over the summer. The roommate turned out to be the ex. The lack of furniture turned out to be not from "just moving in," but from her "just moving out." (And forcing him to get rid of all of his stuff for the whole 4 weeks they lived together). His lack of a couch- probably due to the fact they used her couch. His bed in the living room was because his bed had been in the guest bedroom. His couch had been banished to the patio, where it was now full of spiders. The cute patio tent out there with the lovely twinkle lights that I noticed out there the first time I toured his unit turned out to be hers, too. He told me he helped afford his extremely expensive apartment (more than twice the cost of my HOUSE) by Air B'nB'ing the unit, but it turned out there was actually a settlement between them. He had only used Air BnB once, and it was not a good experience.

The jars of jam in the cupboard that he said he had made over the summer I still wonder about.

We sat on that couch and we went through each of these points and he went through every single story he had ever told me about his life- ever- over the last couple of months of dating to verify he had told me the absolute and total truth about EVERYTHING. And he had. I asked him, a hundred times, why he lied. And he said exactly what I thought (and what Connor thought) he would say. He liked me. He was ashamed of the truth. It just flew out of his mouth. He thought he was ready. His best (female) friend and he had talked at length about his situation and she had acknowledged that he was miserable alone, she knew he would be miserable alone and she thought it would be okay to go out and start looking for someone. But, he thought it would take awhile to meet someone. He literally signed a 2 year contract with eHarmony.

And then he and I found each other the first week of each our memberships. That 6.5 hour first date. He went home from that and thought something like, "Oh, shit."

He said meeting me was like being hit by a lightning bolt. And then he didn't know what to do. He didn't expect to meet anybody that fast. And he was falling for me from the first date. When he went to Yosemite he told his best (female) friend Kait that he thought he loved me, and wanted to tell me. (Exactly when I first felt that way about him.) And Kait basically flipped out on him. He had just gotten out of a super serious relationship- he had just ended an engagement. If that's really how he felt about me- fine, but I was a real person and he couldn't jerk me around or dive into something. That conversation with her affected him deeply, and he spent that weekend in Yosemite raging drunk and I am guessing, confused about our relationship, and his last relationship as well. I'm still not sure on the exact timeline, but I think his break up happened about a month- six weeks before our first date, but he saw his ex for the last time the weekend before he and I met. This thing was extremely fresh for him, and it had to have been extremely confusing. This is why he had pulled back and had been all over the place.

Like I told him that night, all of your behavior makes complete sense now that I know your actual timeline on things. All of it makes sense. The push-pull, the hesitancy, him wanting to push me out in the middle of the night, the being weird about the label, the Facebook thing... Not only being embarrassed about the engagement ending, but he had to be self conscious about having a new girlfriend so soon too and how that looked to everyone. My heart felt so very sore as we talked, and yet, we still had that conversation. We made jokes and eased the tension, but asked the hard questions and plowed through. When we got to the end of it, I put my arm around him and said, "Was it as bad as you thought it would be?" And Daniel said, "Yes, it was, but you made it better." So while I was sorry I couldn't make it perfectly smooth, I was still glad we could engage and make it out the other side. I tried to reassure him right out of the gate that this wasn't a deal breaker for me, I just needed him to be totally honest and that's what he was that night.

We sat on the couch looking at each other for a few minutes, but then his demeanor seemed to change. He had held it together fine through the conversation but once we sorted out my stuff, he started talking about some other things. He had been feeling depressed and low and he talked about that for awhile. He became very emotional and he seemed to shut down. His body language and demeanor changed. He crossed his arms over his chest and didn't want me to touch him. He shook and trembled and I became alarmed watching his body shift. We ended up talking until well after 2am and I tried my best to comfort him but I wasn't exactly sure how. He told me he was hitting bottom.

 I asked him, tell me how to be here for you, but he was so upset he couldn't really answer. I wouldn't have ordinarily slept over, but I wasn't comfortable leaving him in the upset state he was in, so I told him I was staying with him, even if it was on the couch, and I told him he had to go to bed because it was so late.

I offered to stay on the couch so he would actually sleep (we hadn't shared a bed enough times for it to be a smooth experience) but he felt so guilty he kept saying he felt like he should stay on the couch, to punish himself, and I said that was absolutely ridiculous and he was not going to do that. I was of course happy to share the bed with him, despite the emotionally draining evening, I just wanted to make sure he would sleep, and after seeing him so upset I didn't want to disrupt him and I am an absolute terrible sleeper. He said it would be fine for me to share the bed so he tried to find me something to sleep in. Now that everything was out on the table, he offered me an old sweatshirt... that his ex used to sleep in. I understood why he offered it, but the fact that the trauma from the break up was so fresh that it had to be mentioned made me want to burn it. I don't remember what I ended up wearing but it wasn't that.

His sleep was restless and he stayed curled up in tiny little ball the whole night, which for a 6'2" man was pretty impressive. I tried to hold him or comfort him but he didn't want to be touched. He was so emotional and so overloaded and I had absolutely no idea how to help him or support him or be there for him. It was upsetting to see him so upset and to feel so powerless. For me, all I needed was to talk about everything and my needs had been met. From here, I just needed to go forward with honesty. Time would only tell on that front. But right now the only thing I could think about was how much my partner was struggling.

Daniel was supposed to be up at 5am for Crossfit but neither of us woke up until long after that class was over and the next morning he sent off a text apology to his friend for standing him up and I hustled off to move my car before I got ticketed.

It was a long, draining, difficult night. I left Daniel's mostly settled about the untruths I had discovered on Sunday, but absolutely shaken by Daniel's upset after that. I felt down, and worried and definitely still in need of reassurance that all would be okay. It was a hard day for us, and I know I said this before, but we did do it. We rose to the occasion and it was okay.