Peace

I don't know how or when or why, but at some point recently, all of the stress and confusion I've experienced in this relationship with Matt... just faded away. It's just mostly gone. I have no doubt that he is the right person for me, and I am the right person for him. We are totally in love and just crazy about each other. I don't know how things will work out; I can flippantly say, maybe they won't work out. But I don't believe that. I believe it will. I just can't put my finger on it, and I wish I could, because I could articulate my feelings so much better if I understood this. I think slowly over time, my insecurities just kind of faded and maybe I just really accepted that there are things in our lives right now that we cannot control. I can't control what happened with our jobs, I can't control our families health, nor can I control either of our emotions or emotional health. The only thing I can control is my reaction to those things. And, I have chosen to celebrate those things worthy of joy... no matter how big or small.

Matty got a fantastic new job working as a special agent for the federal government. It is awesome. The only unawesome thing about it is he will be shipped off for training in the south for about six months. It's going to be hard, but, I think we are better prepared this time for the separation.

After training, his post is going to be in Portland. Pretty far. We haven't figured this out yet, and we do need to have a talk to figure out what we each want to do. Matt doesn't want to live together until we get married (just like as roomates), but I'm not very willing to move to another state where I don't know anyone, and then not be with my partner.

I also have some choices to make about my education. I am going to continue on with a graduate education. In what, I have no idea. The two two contenders are currently a.) law school or b.) a master's in social work. An MSW has been in the lead in the last few months, but since Matt got that job, suddenly an MSW just doesn't seem good enough. Does that make sense? He's a federal agent... married to a social worker? No.... A federal agent, married to an attorney? Now that sounds better... But do I want to go back to law school? The longer I am out of school the more I doubt my intelligence and my capabilities of being successful in law school. But why? The only answer I have for that is insecurity, and the erosion of my stamina due to my depression... It's hard to believe that you are capable of being a dedicated, hardworking student when it's exhausting to just go to the grocery store.

Also... if I were to go back to law school, which state am I going to go to school in? Law school is a 3 or 4 year committment depending on the program. If I don't go to Oregon and live separately from Matt up there, and I go back to school, I will be unable to move or get married for up to 4 years. That's a long time. But, if I moved up there, and went to school, that would be ok for ahwile, but I suspect that Matt (and I) would always have the goal of coming back to California... in which case I would need to pass the California bar. Rule of thumb is you should go to law school in the state in which you plan to practice. If I plan on practicing in California at any time... really it would be much wiser to go to school here because the CA bar is so much more difficult.

If I were to get an MSW, it wouldn't matter where I went to school, and if I needed to transfer, I could. Transfers are possible in law school, but it is much, much more difficult and I don't know if it's possible to transfer across state lines.

I have some big decisions to make, and I really need to talk those out with my partner; my Matty, but if anyone else has any input or advice, that would be wonderful.

My life to-do list right now is as follows:

Find a job, or volunteer opportunity where I could get a reccomendation letter from my employer.

Study for and take the GRE or the LSAT (again)

Apply to schools

Go to school.

I have been stuck on step 1 for a year. Carmen recently emphasized to me how important it was to have volunteering on my resume particularly when I am "unemployed." This is something I haven't really realized in the past, but when she said it, it really made sense and clicked with me. Since then I also heard another random person online say it as well. Hearing it from two totally different unaffiliated sources helps reinforce that in my mind.

I'm stuck on whether I should persue volunteering, or a regular job. I'm struggling finding a job because I don't have the sufficient experience at the levels at which I would like to work, and I am overqualified, and therefore not even considered for the lower positions. Volunteering would give me a loophole, but "giving up" (that's what it feels like) and doing that is emotionally draining and overall, exhausting. It also ties me to my photography work indefinietly. That doesn't make me so happy.

It was funny though, I told Matt, if I was just going to be a stay at home mom, I would totally be ok with being a photographer. Because it would be for fun...

OH! Also, one more thing. I mentioned the tattoo that Matt got a couple of posts ago. It is not as big as he made it out to be. Apparently he was trying to freak me out to be funny. lol It is not visible in a short sleeved t-shirts. Unfortunately, he does not plan on it being the last one. He wants to cover his other arm. I hate this so much... But I can't stop him, and thank goodness, working in law enforcement forbids having any visible tattoos, so he will never get one that shows. So it will just be me looking at these things, or when he goes swimming. Maybe we can hide them from my Dad forever then...

So what do you think of the facelift?

Obviously, I have alot of things to talk about concerning Matt and I... and I can see by re-reading some of my other posts that I most definetly wrote them at my point of highest hysteria and upset because I didn't even remember I thought some of those things or wrote those things, or said those things! (I am going to update the story in another post tomorrow... stay tuned!)

That is one of the things I hate about this blog! I really pour my heart out here and there are only certain people whom I am comfortable knowing every corner of my soul... so not very many people have access to this blog! I would like it if I could just have a fun family blog where everyone could check out and see what is happening at my house, and update it regularly, etc., but the truth is, when I come here to write, I am coming here to get some things off my chest so I can be relieved of the burden of carrying them with me. I am so very grateful to have this portal to do that, and also that I have people I trust with those innermost private thoughts and feelings.

Eventually we will come to the day when this IS a family blog (please, please, please!) and I will need to figure out a way to hide all of my old posts from everyone else in the world! But until then, it's just a small circle of friends here. I usually leave comments on other people's blog under my photography blog profile, but if I randomly leave comments for you under this profile- know that even if you haven't written me over here before, I am saying you are welcome here by sharing the link! (In case anyone was wondering, or being scared off by the above paragraph!! LOL)

Anyway, small circle of friends here... what do you think of all the work I did on this blog? It took me hours and hours, but I finally got it updated to where it is in the similar format to my work blog. It's wider, new header, fancy fonts, matching colors, the disappearing navigation bar at the top, I even designed and created my own little signature for the bottom of my posts! In't it so cute? And it only took like 5 million hours to figure out how to do! LOL I am having fun just admiring my handiwork all on my own though! Ha!

How to Save a Life

My dad's fiance took some common antibiotic in February to help speed up the recovery from a bad case of the flu. (I don't understand why a doctor would give her an antibiotic for a virus, but whatever.) Apparently, Andrea is one of those in that .5% or whatever that had a severe reaction to it, and it shut her liver down.

About three weeks after she took the medication she was out for Sunday breakfast with my Dad- something they do every Sunday and always have. (They go to Spires at the bottom of Nohl Ranch Road right before the freeway - the 55? I think it's Nohl Ranch and Santa Ana Canyon. Been so long since I've lived there I'm rusty!

Anyway, she asked my dad if her eyes looked kind of yellow... he said that yeah, they were. Over the next couple of days her entire body turned a dark yellow and she started getting really sick.

Initially when they took her into the hospital, they thought she had this really rare disorder where your body can only process a certain amount of Iron in your lifetime and then your liver just dies. So they had all of these dietary restrictions and she couldn't eat anything with iron in it anymore. She was really freaked out and depressed and basically reacted to that by not eating at all, so that made her sicker.

Eventually they figured out she was actually in liver failure, and after a month in the hospital she finally got a transplant. Good timing too, I guess because she was losing motor control, cognotive thought... not recognizing people, etc. My dad let it slip she was having to wear a diaper too because she couldn't get out of bed and she was getting infections from her cath... Ugh. Her blood pressure was really bad before the surgery as well... about 70/40 most of the time...

Transplant was in the middle of the night on Monday and it went great! She is at UCLA's Liver Transplant Center or whatever and I guess has a big fan base with the hospital staff because she's one of the success stories. She's getting better and better every day and started eating solid food today or yesterday I think. Just a little bit, jello, etc, but she was able to do something other than IV's and the rare sip of water. What is weird about this whole thing is that apparently she has gained 5 pounds since being in the hospital, so I guess they said she is retaining a ton of fluid.

Her incision is 14 inches across horizontally and has a drain in it right now. They also had some other thing in there... forget what it's called but it's helping to hold everything where it is supposed to be and has to be removed surgerically. She has already had one surgery since the transplant and has to have one more to finish up and take the rest of the stuff out. She still has the PICC line in, and they are taking blood several times a day and monitoring her for a ton of stuff. I guess the transplant spikes your blood sugar so they had to put her on insulin to control it. It's on a constant rollercoaster so I think they are checking it every hour while they figure out her dosages.

So, it is all going good, and her memory is coming back. Apparently she can't remember the passwords to any of her accounts for anything so she is playing in my Dad's email and things until it comes back.

I think this whole thing really freaked my Dad out... and I also think that it was probably a WHOLE LOT worse than he let on. He has sent us email updates every night on her condition for the last month and I haven't really talked to him much at all on the phone because I know he is so stretched out already trying to take care of Andrea. Andrea's son Joe, who went to HS with Kristin P. and me (these are the Cockrell's who lived near Kaiser by you guys.. that is who my dad is engaged to!!), Joe and my Dad have been taking home care classes together at UCLA so they can take care of her when she comes home, which will happen in about another 2.5 weeks at a minimum, if everything goes perfectly without hiccups.



So, not the greatest story, but that's what's going on. I am pretty far removed from it, being in Nor Cal and everything, but it still stresses me, and I know I am edgy even though I am emotionally distant from it. But it does upset me because it upsets my Dad and Andrea is a very nice person, it is terrible this happened to her. Also not being able to talk to my Dad for a couple of months is a big adjustment to me!

So... make sure you stick that sticker on your license to be a donor! Remember your body is just a shell... your soul is whole whether or not you save lives by donating...

Now what?

So there's more to this story already. (Read last loooong entry and leave a comment if you haven't already!)

All of that stuff happened on Thursday.

My phone battery died that night and my charger cord broke- it like wore through the plastic casing and the copper wires were all exposed. Not so good for charging. Well I didn't have another charger for that phone, so I just changed phones! Ha! lol I had this really neat phone I got a year ago from ATT for renewing my contract- and dropped it in a toilet at a wedding (it fell out of my pocket) after 3 weeks of using it. Then I got this one I have been using from my friend, which I liked ok, but I watched the auctions on eBay on the neat phone I had so if the price was low enough, I could buy the same model again because I didn't think my friend's phone would last all that long. (Although, it has!) Anyway, I bought that phone and put it aside as back up. So now I have my fancy phone again, all because I had a charger for that phone and not my current phone! lol I also liked the idea of switching phones because then I couldn't go back and read all of the texts between Matt and me over and over....

Anyway, so I got the new phone on and after a few hours, some messages started coming through- from Matt. Well, surprise, surprise I guess I would be hearing from him again. This doesn't clear up my confusion, but I was a bit relieved.

I don't know if this was in response to a text I sent him on Thursday, or if this was him acting on his own because my other phone is dead, obviously so I can't re-read my messages from that day. He said:

"I don't know what happened...I don't think I am the same person I was six months ago...I stopped caring about everything and just being a miserable person...It sucks but it's the new me."

I told him that he sounded and acted how I did when I was first depressed. He said, "This is not depression, this is me."

I am sure you guys can agree with me that a person does not suddenly become a non-caring, miserable selfish person randomly. This is all symptomatic of depression! He is like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, except he's not as cute as Eeyore when he's being a jerk!

He sent me another message too and he said he just wanted me to know why he was a jerk... he also said lots of other self-depricating things. He told me he had a bad dream that scared him and I just knew that he had dreamt about dying... he said it ended right before that (how do I know these things?) but that it was really disturbing and he didnt want to talk about it just yet... again he said he wasn't ready but he would talk more as he opened up. So weird the terms he uses... he talks like someone in therapy, yet he won't go to therapy or get helpand thinks he's "fine," he just randomly underwent a 100% personality change? Um, yeah ok...

He also told me he got a tattoo on Friday. I was NOT happy. I knew that was coming though. I really do not approve of tattoos and I really think that they just look trashy most of the time... my sister is a recovered addict but when she was deep in her problems ALL of her friends were covered in tattoos, and that is what I associate tattoos with. I am sure that is not true of everyone with tattoos, or maybe MOST people with tattoos, but when I see one, I think trashy, drug using, yucky person. That is very judgemental of me and I am trying to not be so close minded. But I still don't like them...

He did have one tattoo which he got right before I met him. It is a turtle, on his back and isn't THAT big. It is in memory of a good friend who died in the line of duty. It has his friend's name on it. I gave him a hard time about it until I found out it was in memory of his friend that died. I can understand that and honor and respect him for that.

This tattoo? It's a "borneo tribal mask design" on his arm from his shoulder to his elbow. I about pooped my pants. That sounds HUGE and yucky. I am hoping that it is not as bad as I am imaging it to be and that hopefully it is not visible in a short sleeved shirt... also, that this is the last one. Please, please please...

We talked a little today... he slept badly again last night... I don't know what's going on or what will happen.

My birthday is on Wednesday. I am sad that I likely will not get to spend it with him in the way I pictured... As partners and friends, without all of this STUFF going on in the background... he probably won't even remember it's my birthday.

I slept all day today... Never got out of bed. It's almost 11pm at night... Not the best plan!

Swept off my Feet..

Around the beginning or middle of February, I heard from Matt again. He was traveling to Sacramento for a hearing. We went back and forth over text a bit and then he called too- which was significant because for the last few months I had mostly not heard from him. I texted or called and for the most part, didn't hear back. When I did hear back from him, he sounded so depressed and down... I was concerned. So I kept checking in with him.

When I heard from him in February, he thanked me profusely for not giving up on him and continuing to text and call and check in even though he wasn't able to answer... He said it meant so much to him. He said he loced talking to me and was so glad that we had finally been able to talk. He told me there wasn't anyone for him but me and there wasn't anyone he would be with, but me, and he wanted to be with me forever.

While we were apart, Matt's dog died- his dauchsund broke his back playing with his other dog and he had to be put down. Right after that, Matt lost his job. In January, he panicked and sold his house for a HUGE loss because he was afraid he couldn't pay the mortgage without his job. Between his house and car, he had at least $6,000 going out each month, and his unemployment wasn't anywhere near that. It was a really bad situation.

He told me that I was the last person to hug him. He said that when he lost his house, he felt like there wasn't any use bothering with anything anymore because he didn't have anything in his life because he didn't have me. He told me, more than anything, he wanted his best friend back. He vowed that although he knew he did not deserve my trust or confidence, he would do everything he could to earn it. He told me he loved me. He told me that last fall when he said his feelings for me had "changed," that it wasn't true. His feelings had never changed. He had always loved me and felt he always would. He told me he always thought we were a match, from the beginning. He said that he didnt ave an explaination for his behavior before, that it was mean and cruel and he was very sorry.

We talked for about a week and then he came down to visit, and go to his hearing. He came on really strong while he was here, but we had agreed to be friends first before officially getting back together. I told him he was welcome to stay here since the hearing was early in the morning and he lives so many hours away and I set up the pull-out couch for him. He couldn't give his whole self to someone/a relationship when he wasn't a whole person yet. He said that he needed to fix his life first, but that once he did we could make things official and get on with our life. He said he wouldn't propose soon, but once things were straightened out it would all be good. We started slow, and we drove out and got a pizza and sat in the rain and talked for over an hour. (Pizza line was slow.) We went back to the house and watched a movie and ate the pizza and just talked and kept things light. Before he came, he said that it was really important to him that he just be able to relax and keep calm so he was ready for his hearing. He said he knew that we had ALOT to talk about, and that I especially needed to talk, but he promised that if we could just keep things lighthearted this trip, he would be back Friday, or the week after next for us to spend some quality time together and talk.

Everything was looking really good and I was REALLY happy and optimistic. I knew that this would happen.. that he would come back. I knew it in my gut and that's why I have held on to all of this during all this time- because I felt he was the one for me and we belonged together and we could survive this- he just needed some time.


I started looking at wedding things a bit again, and started designing this blog header since this blog would be "ours" instead of just "mine" soon. :) I was still working on it, but I felt like this was pretty good so far. We don't have nearly enough pictures of the two of us together. I felt like I was living in a fairy tale...

But, that Friday he said he wanted to come? Turned out to be his grandparent's birthday party so he couldn't. Then he was supposed to come down two weeks from the point of our first new visit. He got an interview in Portland with ATF- Alcohol, Tabbacco and Firearm's, which is a federal agency like the FBI, or CIA. That was on Wednesday, and around a 8 or 9 hour drive. We talked about me driving up with him, but I had injured my foot and he didn't think it was a good idea. He said I could come the next time. :)





So he got back from his trip... and he seemed a little distant. Thursday went by and he hadn't told me when he was coming to visit. I asked him directly and he said that he had gotten a call from ATF to take a physical in Sacramento the NEXT week (which was this week) and because of committments- money, family, etc he wanted to save our trip and see me then. I was not happy about that. In all the time we have been long distance, he has never come down JUST to see me and me alone. There was always a hearing, work, doctor's appointment, etc. I was not happy, but gave up. He seemed cranky and I asked him if he was ok and he said he just needed some space and time, so I gave him a couple days.



His doctor's appointment was supposed to be this Wednesday. So on Tuesday I contacted him and asked him when i should expect him. He informed me that he had been able to get the physical done in Redding the day before. I was stunned. I asked him if he was still coming and he said, "not tomorrow." And said he didn't know when he would be coming or how long it would be until he did.


We talked most of Wednesday and it was not good. He was being very negative. He kept saying that I desvered better than him, and that I really did not need him in my life. He apologized to me for being "him," and not coming. I told him I needed someone to talk to- that I needed to talk to him, in person and discuss everything and he said there wasn't anything to discuss. I told him I had things I needed to talk to him about and he said that well he didn't. And that he felt that it counts as a discussion even if all of his answers are "I don't know."

We were talking and he kept saying something about he wants a friendship and I want something more... I said, well yeah, but not until after you are all settled and back on track, like we planned. I didn't really get a response. Alarm bells were going off in my head and after awhile I asked him if he still wanted to be with me once things were straighted out.

He said he didn't know.

I couldn't believe it. He said he didn't know what happened. He didn't know what he wanted. I of course took this as a straight out rejection and went in a downward spiral of blaming everything on myself and saying he didn't have to pity me or talk to me and I wouldn't be bothering him anymore. He said I wasnt bothering him and he wasn't taking pity on me and that he did love me.

My dad's fiance is in the hospital. She might need a liver transplant. They don't know why. She is bright, freakishly yellow- yellow enough that the liver unit at UCLA kept commenting on how extreme she looked- and how coherent she was for how sick she was. I was upset about all of this. My mom's rhumatoid arthritis is really bad. she can't hold a spoon in her right hand anymore and had a get a tricycle for grown ups. It is funny though, she rides her trike in the driveway with the 3 year old next door! LOL

I told Matt about all of this and that I was really just cracking under the financial stress and the stress over our disagreement and that we really need to speak in person and I really needed a friend to lean on. This is when he started saying he "wasn't ready." I asked him what that meant and he said it means he is not ready to meet. I asked him if we could just hang out and just talk and he said that no, he wasn't ready for that. I asked him where this was coming from- he has just seen me 3 weeks before and was all over me like a love sick puppy. He told me me being pushy was not helping. I asked if I just showed up on Thursday in Redding if he would see me. He said, again, he wasn't ready. I don't know what that means! He also told me that he was getting rid of the puppy he got in January to replace his dog that died. He said he didn't have patience for the dog and that the dog was worthless and he was going to sell him. His other dog was really depressed after Bailey died... I don't know how she will be without the pup now too.

Thursday I got up, and basically looked at my nasty flithy house and had a nervous breakdown. I had a $500 insurance bill in the mail and a note taped to my door that they were spraying for bugs on Friday and I needed to empty the house of food and clean out all the cupboards and take the animals out for at least two hours. (Where do I go with two cats and a FISH for 2 hours??)

I left. I got in my car and drive to Redding. I texted him and told him what happened and that I was there. I asked if he was mad, he said no, but that he still wasn't ready. This went back and forth for awhile, all the while I am bawling in my car in the parking lot at In-n-Out.


The last few messages he sent to me were that he was very frustrated and that he was frustrated that I didn't call and just came and told him afterwards. He wouldn't see me. I left around 730pm that night and drove home. I left him a VM and told him how upset I was and I was sorry he was mad but I was upset and just needed a hug from my best friend and some comfort.



Haven't heard from him since. I have no feelings of how this will go. A big part of me thinks I will never hear from him again. I have no idea what happened. I'm not going to initiate contact. I won't. I won't, I won't I won't. (Trying to will myself here.)

Last night I was very angry and thought that this has to be over because how can I forgive him for all that he has done in the last week? I needed him and he wasn't there... He told me all thoe wonderful things and then took it all back. How do I forgive that?


Then I talked to some people online last night and they pointed out all of his erradic behavior and irrational thinking are all basic monkiers of depression. DUH. Now I feel a tiny bit guilty, because I know that when I am in the pit of depression, I can't do anything or see anyone either- and i can't control it. I have sympathy for that. Althought Matt said that while we were apart he was just so sad... and the last time he was happy was with me... I still don't think he recognizes he is depressed, clinically depressed anyway. And I think he is...


Today I feel desperate to see him, talking to him, hug him and hold him. But I can't.

I don't know if Matt is justified in behaving this way because of his life circumstances... if he is such a terrible coper, , how can he be expected to comfort and take care of someone else? If he can't even take care of himself? If he is so messed up he can't even drive 15 minutes or whatever cross town to see someone he says is his best friend in the world, and who makes him happy- how can he be expected to do anything?

But here's what I don't know. Is he a selfish person? Is he a selfish, self-centered, self absorbed, self serving person? Is this who he truly is as a person? Is he truly flakey and dismissive? OR is this all because of all the things that happened this year? Before 2009, Matt had 5 years of boring nothing, no dating, no drama, no health problems. He met me last Feburary, things were great, and then in June his dad had the stroke. He has been increasingly "in his own world" since then. Is that because of the circumstances? Or is that his true personality showing through?

I still can't help but feel he is my partner.... I'm so confused. And I miss him now, desperately... I'd give anything to hear from him right now...

It could have been better!

I just returned from the grocery store, Safeway, and I did "ok." I got home and realized that if I had split up my transaction one more time (I did 3 orders) I could have gotten another catalina for $3.50. So now I am sad. :( But I was happy before! ...But now I am sad. :(

Here is is how I did anyway!

I got:

13 boxes of Betty Crocker/Kellogg's Fruit Snacks (Gushers, Fruit by the Foot, etc.)
8 cans of Pilsbury Grand's Jr Buttermilk Biscuits (Raincheck, .39 each, .30 off 2 coupons)
5 bags of Nut Clusters (I thought these would be free, but I paid 50 cents each)
3 boxes of Raisin Bran Extra
2 Kraft 2% Square Cheese (Reg. $5, Sale 2 for $3)
2 boxes of Kix Cereal
2 boxes of Rice Krispies
2 boxes of Frosted Mini Wheats
1 box of Corn Flakes
1 box of DiGiorno Supreme Pizza

The total for all of this before coupons, club card and sales was:

$105.55

Want to know what my total was?

Well, I didn't do as good as Kristin, my order WAS over .25 cents, but I did get all of this loot for $22.90. For a total savings of $82.65, which is around 80% off.

The total would have been 19.40 if I had paid closer attention to the Catalinas. (I had read it as buy MORE than 5 of X, and get a $3.50 Catalina. Well, apparently it said, buy 5 or more- I had bought 10, so I could have split them up into two transactions and gotten $7 in Catalinas instead of $3.50. Rats.)

Anyway, in total I brought home 39 items. 39 items divided by $22.90 in total spent brings the cost of each item to 58 cents each. Not so bad I guess!

Ok, but here's another problem. The pizza? I have no idea where that came from. I unloaded my groceries at home and there was this pizza box in there. I never even went down the freezer aisle during my trip, and I've never bought a DiGiorno Pizza in my life so I know I didn't buy it and then spontaneously develop amnesia! It was in a bag with all my other groceries, but I don't see it on any of my receipts. My best guess is it was left at the register by someone else, who bought it or decided not to buy it, and the manager, who packed my bag didn't realize and put it in with my stuff? I walked out of Safeway as it was closing at midnight, so the pizza is currently in my freezer. What should I do with it? Do I return it to the store, or do I take this as a donation to the "Poor Emily Fund" since I haven't had income in 6 months now?

I can't believe I have been basically unemployed for six months now... Wow. That's a long time! And yet, I still have just as much work as I ever did!