New Laptop=Productiveness, Lots of ?'s about School

My new cheapie, [but totally fancy] laptop arrived after I spent this week playing cat and mouse with the stupid FedEx guy and culminating in being forced to pick it up at the FedEx store at 10:45PM on Thursday, I finally got the sucker. It's a little weird, and the keyboard is like a desktop keyboard with a full number set on the right side, which would be great if I was used to a desktop, but since I'm not, it actually just makes me mistype on the board, and likely will make my wrist even more sore than it already has been because I will be resting it at an even deeper angle trying to use the touchpad. Awesome.

Anyway, I am now again mobile, and can blog, browse the Internet and shop Amazon and Etsy from my bed, the couch, the bath tub, the potty, whewhoo. lol

(Did I just say that? Oh well.)

In my productiveness, I have now discovered I am in massive debt for this month, and I am going to go to the poor house paying to have my dog boarded at the kennel 6 days, my car at the airport for 6 days, and driving 4 hours roundtrip with gas $4.30 a gallon to said airport to go to this wedding in DC this next weekend. Oops. I really should have thought twice about saying it was okay to fly out of Reno. Definitely cheaper for them [the people paying for the plane ticket, or least I hope it was cheaper after all this hassle on my end], but it is not going to be cheaper for me. I live 5 minutes from the airport here in Sacramento and if I flew out of Sac I could have gotten a ride so I wouldn't have had to pay for the gas or driven there, or stored my car so that's a whole lot of money saved right there. Although, my dog is still going to have to go to doggie jail I think and that's going to be a couple hundred dollars. (I think I might cry.)

(Over both the money AND him having to be locked up. I don't want him to have to sleep alone!)

Anyway, I didn't have any money come in in April at all and I bought the new camera, the new laptop, and I didn't realize I didn't have my Photoshop program disc anymore so goodbye $200 more dollars for that too. (Smack head.) [I bought the student version since it's $200/the regular version is $1000... oh and now I have to register to become a student in order to activate it!) I also had to pay a couple of several hundred dollar bills for advertising this month too. Let's pray they work!

Anyway, my new computer is telling me all kinds of "great" news with it being so convenient to look things up now. Grrr.

One of the productive things I did (other than add up bills) was email an attorney about Matt. That took a whole lot of hours to first find one who was 1.) a woman, and 2.) had anything remotely close to the right specialization, and 3.) write the email.

The letter was still full of mistakes.
Despite all of that, as we come up on the 8 month mark of "the day of truth", (or the day my soul died, either can fit perfectly depending on the day) this was the first contact I have sent out. It was exceedingly difficult to do, but I know it was the right thing to do and a step in the right direction. I hope that she can help me or help me find someone who can.

The other thing I did tonight was email a woman from a graduate program I had corresponded with shortly before I met Matt. The program is at the University of Oregon and is in Conflict and Dispute Resolution and is a Master's Degree. It's a newer program and is very small. Their requirements are pretty vague and I had written with her before trying to nail things down, but I wasn't ready to take action because I didn't know what I wanted. The last week or so I have been thinking about this and dreamed a little (yep, I said it, I DREAMED a little) about going to Oregon for a year (but apparently the program is two years so scratch that) for the program, and then applying to law school again after I graduated.

Wow, that law school thing really does not give up, huh?



I wonder why.






My little day dream was to move to Oregon first for a year, and then Utah after that. But then I kept thinking that was too much moving, and I don't like to move. But I think I have also come to some kind of conclusion, or at least, self-analysis that my problem with just picking up and moving somewhere is that there is no purpose in it. I moved to Sacramento for school. I moved back to Southern California, again, for school. How can I randomly pick up and move to, say, Utah, or Colorado without cause? No family there, and my business, particularly in Utah would likely seriously flounder. (Way too much competition at really bottom  basement prices.)

(Of course another thought I had this week, after my last post, was why do I feel the need to be around family anyway? They are better off on their own. Then nobody feels bad about living close and not seeing each other. If we live far away and see each other at holidays, maybe we will learn to appreciate each other more. We can hope, right?)

Anyway, the self-analysis made me realize that without cause I'm not really one to just pick up and go. I'd like to, but it really causes a level of discomfort that is just beyond me. If I'm moving, I want to move with somebody, a partner and make a collaborative decision together. Or, let's move for school, or a job opportunity/offer.  Since 2 of those 3 don't work, how about school?

So on my new computer I looked up graduate programs in Colorado. The first school I was drawn to was the University of Colorado at Boulder. I scrolled through their list of programs and "Law" was listed as a graduate program. I excitedly thought it might be a Master's degree. When I clicked on it though, I found they actually have a law school. Hmm.

I went through the other schools in Colorado that sounded nice and had nice pictures too (always a good indicator of a solid academic record and experience... a nice website and pretty pictures..) but nothing really jumped out at me. So I looked up the information for University of Oregon's Conflict and Dispute Resolution Master's program.


The application deadline is apparently May 30th for this year, and school starts in August. I actually could still apply for this year.  Wow.

Some Pros:
Get the Heck out of dodge
New place
Start over immediately
Start my continuing education now
Do something which *I* consider productive and valuable to society and my life (I don't feel that way about photography really. I try, and am trying, and I am doing better with how I perceive it, but it's not "a real job" to me, even now. Even being published on the covers of magazines didn't do it for me. I want to be successful at it, but there is something missing.)

Cons:
Leaving my therapist
breaking my lease
changing alot of things really fast
having to start over
having to move
how would I even move by myself?
I'm under contract for a bunch of weddings in September and October in Sacramento, how could I start school and focus on that if I had to be commuting back here? (That's exactly how I screwed up law school)
I don't even know if I could get in to grad school as it stands now with my undergrad gpa, no idea where to get recommendation letters... and an average LSAT score.


If I wait a year, and apply in the spring or fall or whatever for matriculation for the Fall 2012 semester,  there are pros and cons to that too.

Pros:
I should be more ready to break out on my own and I will have a year to prepare for it, think about it.
I can start advertising in the area around the school for my business and in Oregon in general and try to begin working up there so my business is more based up there in 2012, than here.
I won't have to break my lease
I'll be able to plan and anticipate
I will hopefully have already gone to court for Matt and have things settled.

Cons:
I have to wait yet another year of my life to start my life. I say this every year. I've been saying this since 2008. (When I left law school) When is my life going to start if I keep putting it off?
My LSAT score will expire and I will have to study and take the GRE or LSAT, which is a HUGE ordeal and undertaking.


But, is any of this what I really want?

I don't even know. I haven't known what I really wanted in a long time. It seems like whenever there is any bit of a hint of what I might want I jump on it... but then I hesitate. Because really, I don't know. After what happened with law school... I just lost so much of myself. And after what happened with Mat... well whatever was left... I feel like that disappeared right along with him. I was never the kind of person who wasn't sure. I always had goals, had a plan. I powered through my bachelor's degree in 3.5 years while my friends puttered around at 5 years, 6 years... I always knew. But not now. I wish I knew. I just need some direction...

Conflict and dispute resolution feels like a good fit... I've often been told over the years I should become a therapist/counselor/psychologist (much to my own personal horror and active gag reflex), both prior to all of this, and even now I still hear it, both by people who are aware of what's happened and by those who aren't. Conflict and dispute resolution is more mediation than counseling; coming to peaceable negotiable terms, rather than a continual exploration of feelings, which is something I could get behind. I like mediation, or at least, I think I do. It's also something that's used in the family court system, and could possibly get me in the legal arena without a law degree. Interestingly enough, CDR is within the law school at U of O, although it is not a law degree.

The only thing I wonder is, as I look at the program, my thought process is the same, "Well, I would go to school there, get the degree, and then apply straight to law school."

If I'm going to go to law school again, why would I spend $17,000 a year on a Master's degree, which, albeit would be helpful in my experiences as an attorney, but would also just add to my debt and may not be used at all? Would I really just be using it as a way to prove to the admissions councils that I was smart enough to conquer law school this third time? Is that really a wise decision and a reason to get a degree?

I don't know. Why do I keep going back to the program though if that's my only interest in it? I could get a Master's in anything; I could do it locally and cheaper and prove the same point to the admissions councils.

What do you think?

"I want a Baby" on Lifetime

Did anyone else catch this? It was a really cool special. I'm only a couple minutes in, but I"m totally hooked. I haven't seen it before, but it's not marked as new, but it came out in 2011. Since I'm a tv addict, I'm surprised I missed it if this isn't the premiere. I had a hard time finding any trace of it online, and there was nary a mention of it on Lifetime's website until I hand went through their tv schedule and found it, which had no information anyway.

The show follows several couples trying to expand or start their families through IVF, adoption, surrogacy, anything else you can think of. It's really detailed, shows costs, closes up of injections, everything. Up close and personal of how it really is. The woman doing surrogacy lost boy/girl twins she seemed to have conceived naturally and now can't carry children herself. The IVF'er works in nursing in pediatrics or the NICU or something (just missed it). It's a great show. If you can track it down, watch it!

Users and Selfishness.

The whole time I was in high school and in college I used to fly up, (or in college, just drive over) to my siblings homes and help them take care of their kids, watch their homes, get ready for parties, babysit their animals for a week or two at a time, all kinds of stuff. Water their plants, collect their mail, sometimes commuting 40 miles each way per day back to school to do so. Granted, I did so because it was nice for me too; parties are fun, playing with dogs and cats are nice, getting away and having privacy is great. But these were favors. I wasn't paid. They were at my expense, I was expected to do them, and I received no compensation in terms of money, thank you's, gifts, souvenirs, thank you gifts, flowers, anything like that. I washed their dogs, guarded their homes against rouge ant invasions and cleaned out litter boxes for years.

It never occurred to me that 1.) I would need help like this too someday or that 2.) if I did need help that they wouldn't of course offer it in a heart beat.

Well, here we are, a few years down the road, I don't housesit for my brother anymore, but I still do for my sister (without compensation of course, and it is a HUGE amount of work with 2 cats, 2 outdoor only dogs confined to a dog run who have to be exercised daily, a temperature sensitive fish tank, and outdoor "barrel" fish. (They live in a barrel).  They also have a huge array of indoor plants, outdoor potted plants which are not on a drip system, and their cats have vomiting issues, and one cat doesn't eat or is bullied out of eating by the other cat so she has to be fed in private twice daily and supervised.

I asked my sister once to come by my house while I was out of town and simply pet my cats and check on them (I just leave extra food out and many water bowls, the fish tank running like a water fountain, and dare, I say... the toilet seat up in case of emergencies? GAG, but I saw Tootie do it once. Amelia would never do such a thing). She has to commute into Sacramento every day for work and my house is about 10 minutes from her workplace, so since she would be up here anyway, I asked if she could come by to pet them and make sure they were okay once or twice if she had time. She said it was "too far" and she "didn't have time."

A couple months later she bullied me into watching her house. So is that a geographical phenomenon? 10 minutes from your work is "too far" but me driving 50 miles round trip every day to take care of all your animals and plants is just fine?

Now that I have not just two cats, but a dog too, I have an even bigger problem when it comes to petsitting. I can't leave the dog at home. He has to go somewhere. I can't leave him here with extra food and water. He needs to go out to go potty and he needs people. He's not independent. He's the opposite. He's co-dependent.

In December when I first found him, my brother graciously babysat him for 5 or 6 days RIGHT after I found him and I was so grateful. I had nowhere to take him, he didn't have shots, he wasn't fixed, and since I thought he had a home somewhere, I couldn't do any of those things and take him to a kennel because I could get in (legal) trouble with his family for taking away his boy parts. Plus, I only had him for 36 hours before I had to leave. I'm so grateful he took him.

Initially his wife said no though, and my brother overruled her. I think it was fine, and the kids loved him. Charlie stayed with my brother during the day and they locked him up in one of their dog crates if they had to go somewhere. (He did poop in the crate once though. But, mind you, they have a dog who pooped all over their house before they kicked him outside. They have THREE dogs, all BIG dogs, a Pit, a Chow and a Lab, but Charlie is a Beagle, he's little... seriously, what's another dog when you already have that many? Especially when he only weighs 19 pounds?)

I'm going to Washington DC to shoot a wedding in a couple weeks and Charlie needs a babysitter. The last person who watched him, well, their dog attacked him and he had to go to the vet with puncture wounds in his neck and go on antibiotics. (That was after I came back, while he was there, she told me it was okay, but the boyfriend said they had scuffled other times so now I'm not sure). Charlie has severe separation anxiety and is afraid of enclosed spaces. He has a hard time being in a crate and panics when I leave him at home. He really needs to be with people and the best scenario would be for him to be with someone who would be home with him during the day while I was gone. My friend who watched him before has a job now so she'll be gone. If I put him in a kennel, he'll be alone in his cage or "suite" (as they call it) most of the day with a brief play period.

So I emailed my brother and offered to pay him or his daughters to take care of Charlie the 4-5 days I will be gone, emphasizing I know what an inconvenience it is and I so appreciate him taking him before, it's been 6 months since they had him, I figured he'd say no, but I threw it out there hoping. He said no, but his response kind of ticked me off. He said they were way too busy, and his wife was still giving him crap for last time.

I can't tell you how many times I took time out of my life to watch and care for his home, family and animals. This is the second time I have asked him, in 28 years to do a favor for me. And I'm asking him to do it in his own home, not 60 miles away without compensation for gas or asking him to commute every day. (Like he asked me to do all those times). He works from home every day, and he's home alone. When he was with Charlie before, Charlie slept in the office with him all day. That's all he did. When all the kids came home at night, he ran around with them, and played with the other dogs. You're too busy?

Why is the relationship I have with my family so one sided? Why am I expected to do everything, and get nothing in return? Isn't your family supposed to always be there if you need them? If any of these people called me up tomorrow and said they needed help my first instinct would be "Of course! Whatever you need! What can I do?"

When these same two siblings were told about Matt by my dad (he called them up and told them... against my wishes but he said he wanted to tell them so they could reach out and help me and be there for me) they never said a word to me about it and never have. They never reached out, never called, never asked if I was okay. They never hugged me, never acknowledged anything was wrong. I was in an outpatient program at Kaiser for 6 hours a day the first 3 weeks after I found out, and my sister Kristin knew this and never said a word to me. The only thing I ever heard her say about it, is when my dad told her about it, she told him that Matt was an a-hole, which upset me immensely when my dad repeated it to me. I was hurt deeply because I loved him. It had only been a couple of days since I had found out and it was just way too harsh of a reality to have repeated back to me. I loved him, I still do and it's hard to hear hurtful words about him. The man I KNEW was not a bad man. The man he really WAS was someone completely different. But the man she spoke about, was the man I knew, so it hurt. I wished my dad hadn't repeated it to me because it hurt alot to hear. But neither of them ever did anything. I never heard from my brother at all until Christmas, and my sister acted like everything was fine.

My other sister Erin texted me right away and asked if I was okay and offered to fly me down to visit. (She followed this up immediately with, she couldn't afford to fly me down, but she'd find a way.) lol

For the record, I also asked my Dad to babysit Charlie (I'd drive him 400 miles down there, which would also enable me to go to a baby shower of a friend I've had since she was 4 and I was 5), but he said no too. My mom has arthritis and I can't even imagine asking her.

I feel like I am the kind of person who would do anything for anybody (except help them move, don't ever ask me to do that, I haven't even unpacked my own car trunk from when I moved to southern California in 2006, and I moved back to Nor Cal in 2007... the trunk is still packed). But I don't know many who would do anything for me. Definitely not anyone who lives close and definitely not anyone in my family.

What is with that?

Beagle Bunny Chasing

This is my first video ever with my new camera... SCARY. It's not a video camera... it's a DSLR... which basically means you have all of the complications of shooting manual like a regular camera, (and it was a different brand so I had no idea how to make it work like my regular camera) and then you throw video function on top of that. It was a mess. (And I found I HAD to shoot in manual focus, something I don't do often, but the autofocus didn't do well with Charlie moving around so much. I was trying to shoot the camera in manual mode, but manual focus requires constant attention too, as you can see. It also gives it a bit of a dreamy effect, which I actually kind of like..) The first few times I turned it on I was ready to put it back in the box and ship the darn thing back to where it came from. UGH. But, this didn't turn out SO bad, considering I was walking in grass up to my waist, in wellies, in a couple inches of mud, with the dog barking and pulling on the leash and yanking the camera (and I was carrying both of my cameras mind you). Maybe I will figure this out. That and I belatedly realized the new camera had a 14 day return policy from the day it was received. And I had it shipped to my Mom in Oregon. And it took me about a week to take it out and use it. And another week to try again, and a few more days to look at the return policy. Yeah, so I guess I will keep trying! I like my video though! :)

California Highway Patrol

I had a hard time writing this post. So hard it's been over a week since I started writing it, stopped, couldn't handle it and had to walk away and I'm trying again today...I think this all happened back on April 9th

First of all, my hair is falling out again. In clumps.

I assume from the emotional stress. It always happens when I am severely stressed and emotional.

Greeeaaat.

Next, my worst nightmare happened on Saturday. On the road to North Lake Tahoe for an engagement shoot, I got going a little too fast on the way down a steep hill and went over the speed limit. In the center divider, there was a CHP in an SVU. As soon as I saw him I knew he was going to pull me over. I slammed on my brakes but I knew it was too late before I even passed him. I was praying, "Please, please, please don't pull me over, I can't handle this, I can't cope with this, it's too soon, it's too soon!" But at the same time I was still slowing down and changing lanes, my heart racing and starting to pant and panic.

He pulled up behind me fast, lights on. I was terrified.  I had the dog with me and he started going nuts barking and bouncing around the car.  I got all the way over to the side on this really huge shoulder (probably 2-3 lanes wide) and tried to focus on my breathing but I just sounded totally panicky just in my breathing.

When the officer knocked on my window I jumped out of my seat and screamed a little. It was bad.

First I unrolled the wrong window. Then when I unrolled the right window Charlie tried to go after him and I had to hold him back. Then the guy was trying to ask me questions. I tried to answer him and I only got halfway through the first sentence semi-clearly before I couldn't talk anymore and I just laid my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. In... Out... In... Out. I was trying to go slow, but it must have been pretty fast because the officer interupted me after a minute or so and asked me if I was going to hyperventilate on him. I spoke really slowly and quietly and said I was trying not to. I started to loose it again and started crying and breathing fast and  I just randomly blurted out that I was having such a hard time because

"I was engaged last year to a CHP and he died. And I haven't been around anyone in uniform since."

He said he could see why that would be really hard.  At the time I didn't even really realize what I had just said, it was so in the moment. Afterwards I was so horrified I wanted to write a letter to the station and tell them the whole story of what really happened to Matt. I felt awful. But talking about it in therapy afterwards I understand better why I said that.

Charlie was still barking and bouncing around and he asked me if he would bite or if he was just protective and I said he was just being protective so the officer started baby talking him and I don't know how much time passed (because I still had my eyes closed and was laying on the steering wheel) but when I looked over next Charlie was bounding over the back seat to bring the guy his little baby stuffed yellow duckie that squeaks and was looking at him with this happy face like, "Play with me!" and then he started trying to climb out the window.  (Traitor).

The whole time I couldn't look at him it was so upsetting but I eventually was able to get words out and told him I hadn't been paying attention and I was late and rushing and told him how fast I was going. He said he needed to see all my information but he thanked me for being honest and he would let me off with a warning, and that's when I really lost it. As soon as he said that I just started to hyperventilate and cry hard and I couldn't hold it in anymore. Then he said I was scaring him and he couldn't let me drive like that because I was going to drive my car off the road into a snow bank and I was going to hurt myself or someone else and it wasn't safe. There had been too many crashes like that and I couldn't leave. So I had to promise to stay there until I calmed down and he kept standing there next to the car which just kept making me more upset because it was his uniform, his car, the lights, everything about him just made me absolutely HYSTERICAL. I just could not hold it together any more. I had tried as hard as I could for as long as I could and I had met my time limit and I was just done and I was just bawling my eyes out and I finally told him HE was the problem and he was upsetting me and it wasn't his fault but his uniform was disturbing to me. He said sorry but he kept standing there. Finally he said he would back up his car a ways and wait for me to leave. 

I probably sat on the side of the road crying for 15-20 minutes with him sitting behind me. I felt totally paralyzed with him there. When he left I finally felt safe enough to leave. It was awful. I couldn't calm myself down with him there. This is what I have been afraid of all these months. Everytime I hear a siren or seen a police car or firetruck or ambulance I have this instant fear of being pulled over or having to talk to someone in uniform and I just want to scream and cry and run away and I don't feel safe.  Him leaving was this huge weight off me and I could finally get away, I could escape the danger he represented to me.

I am so messed up.

We spent a long time talking about this in therapy last week and I was a complete mess. I really lost it. I was so upset talking about it the therapist actually asked me to wait in the office awhile until I calmed down, go in the bathroom, get cleaned up, go for a walk afterwards before I drove. You have got to be kidding me! What has this man done to me! Somtimes I think, I am making such a big deal out of nothing, and then something like this happens and the terror is so real...

I ended up telling my story to someone I talk to in the dog park and her absolute horror at the whole story was just so genuine... her absolute outrage... it just made me feel validated for a moment and I thought... What the hell have I been through?

Regarding me telling the officer Matt died, I talked about that with both my Mom and with my therapist and I got the same conclusion out of both conversations, which is basically that, to me, he died. Although to most people I usually just say I "lost" him to avoid telling the whole story, saying he "died" that day, that word slipping out was really my true feelings slipping out. I stopped living my life the day I found out, I became paralyzed by all of these fears, and I have been waiting for him to come home ever since. I have said it over and over to myself, I've woken myself up crying in my sleep, "I just want him to come home." And Jamie (therapist) leaned forward in her chair last week, and looked me in the face and she said, "He's not coming home."  "He's not. He is NOT coming home. He is gone. He's not coming home. He's not coming home."

I felt like my soul died all over again.

I didn't even realize I had been waiting for him all this time.  But... if I just keep everything in my house exactly the same as it was, and if nothing ever changes, then maybe he will come back and everything will go back to normal and be okay. It would be like he never went away, he never "died" and this never happened. A year ago, I never could have imagined I would ever be living a life without him. Even with all the ups and downs I knew.. this is the person for me. He told me he would be with me forever. So that's it. He would be. You don't say something like that if it's not true. So it's true. Of course it's true. So how could he not be here right now? If I just wait, if I am patient, and if everything... just... stays exactly how it was when he left, then he will come back.

But that's not true... the Matt I knew died. He can never come back.  Even if that man over there in that house, the one with the secret wife and child left them and came here and told me he wanted me... that wouldn't be MY Matt. He might look like him and sound like him... he might even feel like him and smell like him. But he wouldn't be him. Because MY Matt was a good man, and would never have done the things that that man did, and he never would abandon or hurt his family. My Matty died. And I guess that's why I said it.

KCRA 3 Contest

I was nominated for a local news  contest for best photographer and am currently ranked 51/ out of almost 400 nominees... I could really use your vote!  I wasn't going to do anything about it, but a few of my clients started telling me they had been voting for me, and I was like... well, if they are taking a stand on my behalf and saying all these nice things about me and going out of their way, then, maybe I should be too!

So, if you have a minute, I would appreciate it if you would take a minute and vote! You can either sign up for an account with just your email address and a password, or you can hook it up with your facebook which it does instantly and you don't have to do anything. I think you can vote every day if you wanted to do that, but if you did it just once that would be great!

I announced that I had been nominated earlier today on Facebook and I jumped from being ranke 83 to 51 in a single day, so I think I would gain ranks really fast if people knew about it!

Thank you so much everyone!