That one Tinder Guy

So there was this one guy I met on Tinder. I think.

It was the week I moved back to Sacramento and I even think I might have started talking to him before I moved. I was so lonely and so anxious about moving that I just wanted to meet ANYBODY, even a friend right away. We didn't do a ton of get to know you's in advance, but I did call him out on not being a good texter and he said he was a better conversationalist in person.

This was of course was a lie. This is always a lie. Never believe this. If they can't text, they can't talk. Believe nothing else. Unmatch, unmatch, unmatch.

The guy lived downtown, and was walking distance from Rubicon. He suggested we go there. Because he goes there several times a week and it's comfortable for him. ...And being on a guy's home turf is always stellar for the ladies.

I had never been there before and when I walk up to the outside, it's totally cute. The street atmosphere and people watching outside is great. ...But I don't see my date outside. So I peep inside... He's inside. At a laminate table in a corner. Where it's super noisy. He's cute- looks exactly like his pictures for sure. But the atmosphere inside blows.

And oh yeah. We have nothing in common. I order a cheap $5 beer  that I sip and struggle to entertain us both for the next two hours while he eats dinner as slowly as possibly but somehow chugs 2-3 drinks. I didn't realize I'd be the guy's dinner entertainment.

Finally the bill comes. Relief! The guy is attractive but we have nothing in common. The only time I could even get him to perk up was when I got him to talk about a heavy metal concert. It was nice to see him get excited about something, but literally, he showed no joy or excitement about ANYTHING. I wasted at least 40 minutes talking about beers and breweries (yes, Oregon educated me enough to suck up that much air space) and still, barely anything. I don't get it. I figured he'd at least offer to pick up my $5 beer since he ran up at least a $30 tab all on his own- but-- he doesn't. And I don't have cash. So I pull out my credit card (all I have) and he says- "Oh, you don't want to split that, mine was more than yours." (Yeah, by like $25!) So I just ask the waitress to pull out my $5 beer off the tab, which she has trouble doing because he had ordered SO MANY beers...

It was just bad manners. He should have offered to just cover it. The waitress probably took 10 minutes to figure it out and the guy was not hurting for cash. I know this is a double standard on my part but... It was annoying. But I paid for my own beer, and no, I didn't ditch him, even though I knew it wasn't a match. AND I did let him friend me on facebook after, although I have no idea why. (And I have since deleted him, because he never made an effort to strike up a friendship. I told him flat out afterwards- when I was "thanking" him for the "date" that I didn't think there was chemistry, and he agreed, and asked to friend me.)

Don't go out with people who can't text. It means they can't talk, and you have nothing in common!

Moving to Sacramento

Honestly sucked. I went and saw my old therapist a couple of weeks right after I moved because I was so freaked out that I had made a giant mistake. She reassured me that I just needed to get on my feet and I was totally capable of doing this. I just needed to stay busy and get my crap together. I am back dating this post and I can't exactly say I have been entirely successful. I found a running club, and I reconnected with an old friend and did some hiking over the summer, but what I really needed was a day job and it's only now off in the future (November) that I am starting to have time for that.

House hunting was also a nightmare. I emailed and called on I can't say how many apartments, but between my pets and rent limitations it was terrible. I had to solicit a friend to help me with a driveby on a house in an area I wasn't even looking at, and my apartment manager in Oregon advised me to chase down a husband/wife/private landlord rather than a corporate landlord, and that is exactly how I got in. I ended up in a 1 bedroom, 1 bath house in a neighborhood in transition just 1 short mile from downtown. Not a neighborhood I was considering, but it turned out to be the best situation. It's close to everything, affordable, private, and a nice large yard for the dog, and river access for walking! Very good for us.

 

Bizarrely, I had to get my house all settled in an unpacked ASAP... for the housesitter! I drove Charlie and I to Southern California the first week of August so he could stay with my dad and I could fly to Europe for a month! That will probably take me awhile to write about, because there are so many pictures. So expect some back dated posts! I have another story to tell first!

That Guy I met when I was Moving Away...

Driving on I-5 South the Weekend I moved back to California

Fall of 2014 I was going to Trivia a ton with Sarah until I got into a car accident at the airport after a late night at trivia, and never went again. The very last week before I moved, I wanted to embrace life in Eugene and literally took up every invitation extended to me to maximize social time. I felt so anxious and nervous about moving and not having a big social network back here in California... I wanted to fill up my body with as much Oregon as I possibly could! So after a six month hiatus I returned to trivia at a local bar.

And there he was... This guy from the law school that looked familiar but whose name was not really familiar to me. He and this other guy who likes to dress up as Buddy the Elf at the holidays and deck out the law school with paper snowflakes and other non-specific winter decorations (YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SERIOUS HE TAKES THIS) were there, and apparently had been coming for months. They were both cute, and I was roughly 40 pounds lighter than I had been the last two years I had been bumping into them at the law school so neither of them had any recollection of me whatsoever. I was moving, literally, that weekend though, so I didn't really pay them any attention. Plus I was sitting on the other side of the table.

There was a point in the game where each table was passed this Xerox'ed paper with random, unfamiliar actors on it... Our trivia team did a pretty good job of identifying a fair number of them, except this one woman- who I immediately recognized and no one else knew. But I struggled for a good 5 minutes to come up with her name. I knew she had been in Twister- and her role and her character name and the DIRECTOR'S name... finally I took a stab at her name and they handed it in. They didn't really think I would have got it and assumed they lost the round. After the sheet got handed in, somebody busts out their phone and googles the answer- Jami Gertz. I got it, spelling and all. The guy, eyes wide and admiring- yells across the table, "You are everything they said you would be and MORE!" Everybody burst out laughing and then glanced back and forth between the two of us while I blushed furiously.

After the game I stalled a little and changed seats and struck up a conversation with this charmer- who was truly a charmer. He had just graduated from the law school, was 30- far closer in age to me than most of my dates the last couple of years, had grown up just 20 minutes from me in Southern California and got all of my jokes and slang. Then I mentioned I was moving back to California the following Monday and the conversation abruptly shut down- and understandably so. I chatted with another girl I didn't really know for a bit, and reluctantly began to leave when he began to talk to me again, and eventually asked for my business card. Weirdly enough, he had also been a wedding photographer. Not as long as I had, by any means, but it was another thing in common that we enjoyed talking about.

I figured he got my card so he could get my phone number- which isn't on my card, so when I got home I got his last name from a friend and friended him on facebook. And then he messaged me- and the flirting ensued. Numbers were swapped, and he invited me out for a drink the next night. But... I already had plans.

Connor was having a house party the next night as an early 4th of July type deal, but also, secretly it sort of felt like a send off for me. I don't know if this was intentional, but it did a little bit feel like a good bye party for me. It probably WASN'T, but it felt like it, and it was awesome. Lots of people came, I saw so many random friends, and I had a blast.

One friend Caitlyn was extremely anxious to go dancing and wanted to close out the house party and shuffle it along to a place to go dancing. She was actually so anxious to do this that she pushed us out of the house and sent us to the dance place- Cowfish - long before any people had arrived there to actually dance. Which was ridiculous. (And super frustrating, because everyone was having fun at the house just socializing, and many people did not want to go dancing and us leaving forced them to go home.) Since Cowfish wasn't ready for dancing yet, we went to another bar or restaurant to hang out until it was a bit later.

... Meanwhile, I was texting the boy updates of where I was and what I was doing. He had his own group of friends he was corralling and heading in my direction so he could buy me a drink and have a dance with me!

Eventually we all ended up at Cowfish together, dancing and having a good time and the boy showed up, danced with me- he actually two stepped with me!- to pop music... lol ... and got me a drink and we talked and laughed and danced and had a great old time. It just got a little bit awkward when I ended up dancing with both him AND K at the same time. You remember K, right?

Another friend of mine who was aware of the whole dynamic going on watched all of this going on was just laughing hysterically and after both boys moved away patted me on the shoulder and said, "You doin' alright there?" And I just put my head in my hands and GROANED! It was so awkward. Of course K had no idea... He probably wouldn't have cared but it was so awkward.

The next day was the 4th of July, and the boy somehow crafted an invitation for me to a total stranger's BBQ- where he was the only guest. So he invited this other girl Diane to come, who he thought I knew. (But I had only met her at trivia, and briefly.) So I texted Sarah and made her invite herself to this BBQ so I wouldn't be there alone, but I very much wanted to go since I liked the guy and we seemed to be hitting it off.  The BBQ was good, and we all drove to a local HS baseball field to watch the fireworks. He and I sat next to each other and talked awesomely, but weirdly, Diane sat kitty corner to us.... she was actually so attached to us I wondered if she had a thing for him, or he had a thing for her and if maybe if I was inventing this whole flirtation in my head. But eventually, she got up and moved and left us to talk and it was good. We talked about all kinds of things, our families and backgrounds and there was just this solid chemistry that I hadn't really experienced before. Things were clicking, and it felt really special. In my other relationships... I hadn't really had that. Definitely personality matches but there was something different about this that I couldn't quite describe and it felt really good. Kind of magic. This connection.

We all rode back to the house together, and then it was kind of time to go home... Funnily enough, I heard later Diane tried to steer me to the front seat to sit next to Luke, but I "ran to the back door so fast she couldn't stop me..." Which is hilarious because I wasn't even aware of it at the time.

The part of this whole story I should probably mention is the fact that this guy (Luke...) had already had a thing with TWO of my friends. One of whom he was subletting their apartment for the summer. As in, he was living in her house. And he had fooled around with her in that same house. The same house I had been in many times before. Incredibly awkward. I felt very uncomfortable with this knowledge and swore Sarah to secrecy that I had hit it off with this guy but she just rolled her eyes because she knew I'd eventually tell them both anyway. I wasn't really sure what to do because we seemed to be connecting so well.. It was confusing.

Anyway, we got back to the house and it turned out that he had driven Diane to the BBQ, because she doesn't drive. So... that was the end of the night. I reluctantly got in my car to drive home.

I can't even tell you how slowly I drove across town. ....With the volume on my phone turned all the way up... just hoping...

And right when I got to downtown and close to the freeway entrance I got the text message. Would I like one more drink with him before calling it a night?

Oh, yes, yes I would!

I turned around, and very awkwardly drove to my friend's house, which he was subletting. He had suggested a pub around the corner- where I had been with my friend a bunch of times. I found myself shaking off the heebie jeebies as we walked across the parking lot together and settled in the cozy little outdoor patio together for another long conversation. Not too long into chatting fireworks starting going off behind him, and as I exclaimed, Luke hopped right up and came over and sat next to me on the picnic bench- smooth move.

We talked for a good couple of hours and I will say how easy it felt. We had a bunch of weird little things in common and it was just simple. With K it was also difficult to connect because he had so many boundaries and walls up all the time and it was always a problem. Here, that was not a factor. He was just open, and that was awesome. I could feel myself being so open too, and also hoping this could be something. And kicking myself that I was moving. Why did I meet him when I was moving?!

As I was teasing him about something, (and laughing hysterically) he suddenly grabbed me in a headlock and kissed me- but I didn't stop laughing. It was just fun! Light hearted and fun.

The next day my dad arrived and the frantic moving process started, which was a nightmare. Sarah and Connor both pitched in to help and our program manager even came by to pick up furniture. Luke offered to come by and help, but having just met him I wasn't really comfortable with that. I fought with my dad all of Sunday, and Monday and it was really unpleasant and I was pretty tense by that point.

Sarah let me know that she and Luke and another friend would be bowling that night and on a whim I went and joined them.

And it was totally different. He was flirty, but not like before. He gave me high fives and teased me but seemed distracted and when I offered to drive him home afterwards (he had walked), he said no thanks and walked home without saying good bye to any of us. My two friends shouted good byes at him and gave me bugged eyed looks as he walked across the parking lot. (What the heck?)

I went back to my townhouse that night, stayed up until 4am cleaning, and then drove a couple of hours to a hotel to meet my dad. I got texts from Luke early that morning wishing me well, but it was all bizarre. I then clued my two friends who had spent time with him and knew him better and one said he connects with everybody and it doesn't really mean anything, and the other said he's probably a player. What was weird was, after I got to California, he continued to text me- and we talked on the phone once- and talked about visits and dates and things. Right up until Sarah alerted me that he brought a date to trivia a couple weeks later. Some girl who lives in his building who he broke up with right after. Since we were communicating heavily at the time, it really was not cool, and he super misled me. My little heart was pretty bruised over that and I'll totally admit to shedding tears.

But the connection... That connection was something to remember. I hadn't had that before.

In retrospect I do think it is something that is a part of his personality- like a friendly puppy who runs around happily jumping on everybody's laps and licking their hands with glee and you just can't help but adore- but that also means the connection on the puppy's side is not necessarily meaningful. Even if you feel bonded to the puppy....

Camping at Heceta Head with Connor

In the two years I lived in Oregon, somehow I never made it to the coast. I guess it makes sense, the winter sucks with the rain and the snow, and in the summer I am traveling for weddings!

The time around I moved was super stressful. I had graduation weekend, then a trip to New Orleans for work, and I went straight from there to Tahoe for a wedding at the HideOut. Then I had to pack up my stuff and move. Somewhere in there Connor invite me for an overnight at Haceta Head along the coast. I couldn't leave until super late because of work and the cat's shot, but I am so incredibly glad I went. I think I didn't get there until about 1am and Connor was toasted when I got there, but it was wonderful. We walked down to the beach (in the middle of the night) and played with the camera and took some long exposures. It was amazing. That memory of standing on the beach and looking up at the stars  and the Milky Way with my best boy-brother-friend is my favorite memory of all my time in Oregon. It was so special and significant and I am so glad I went! I had such a great time, even if it was for so brief. We played on the beach those couple hours in the middle of the night in the freezing cold, and then slept in a yurt in some bunk beds and the next day headed over to the lighthouses and then off we went back to Eugene/Springfield, that was it!!!

I didn't take any pictures of the yurts, but here's us the next day at the lighthouse.

 I got him to lick the algae... I'm a bad, bad, bad pretend big sister.

University of Oregon Master's Commencement

I know we thought this day would never ever come, but it did! I graduated! I was pretty anxious leading up to graduation because I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to have the perfect party and have everybody come and I REALLY wanted to make it a big deal and a big celebration. It was really frustrating to me in planning this that despite giving some of the closest people in my life 6+ months notice, people bailed out at the last minute and left me hanging. I heard a lot from people that "graduations are boring," and "nobody goes to them anymore." Almost always these comments were a follow up to me sharing how important mine was to me and how excited I was for this day. I found this so incredibly rude. Unlike many other life cycle events- weddings, for a simple example- graduations celebrate ACHIVEMENT. And by LORD did I work hard for this. The degree itself was a lot of work, but getting here, to this point in my life, and overcoming all of those hardships was another matter entirely. I am incredibly proud of all that I have accomlished, and I am grateful that I believed in myself enough to get out of California and into a new life. It was the best thing I could ever have done for myself in terms of healing and truly helped me move on and grow as a person in a way I don't think anything else really could. Yes, therapy, and medication and getting a dog and working and having hobbies- all awesome things. But starting over was by far the best choice for me.

 Sandwiched between Connor and Kouang right in the middle.

For a program as small as ours (around 20 graduates this year), our commencement is extremely intimate and very special. Every person you see in this audience photo (or almost everybody,) is someone I know. My friends were all sitting together, and Connor's family and our friends were all in the same section together. Only our department graduated that day, and each student was spoken about individually. It's truly special. The law school hosted appetizers, drinks and a bar afterwards as well. They really go all out.

 So, this is another long story entirely, but there was a lot of drama with our graduation speaker. Our school wanted to bring in an outside person, but we had had a lot of staffing changes the second year of our program and had lost our old director- he had essentially been forced out of the program. Connor and I teamed up, and asked if our old director could be brought back to give our commencement speech, because we all had felt something akin to little lost lambs that year and really wanted familiarity and guidance from someone who knew US. Unfortunately it was made clear that this was not something that could happen because of the circumstances under which our director left- he was essentially force out of the program by our new director, who wanted his job because she thought she could do it better, or that it should be done differently. A person I might add was the advisor on my thesis and refused to meet with me. In two years of attending this school, in a tiny building where everybody knows everyone, I met the woman ONCE. She refused to meet with me to advise on my project- something that is literally in her job description. She then did not show up to my defense, jeopardizing my ability to graduate. Connor and I, armed with knowledge started a petition to have our director speak at graduation, and with a few mis-steps, actually won this fight. Connor has said a few times, it was really me who got this done, and it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't done this (I made the mis-steps which forced the law school's hand in allowing the speaker change to happen.) While I really did not acknowledge how heavy my role was in this publiclly, in all honesty Connor is probably right.

What I will say about this experience, which overall was exhausting, upsetting, offensive, and frustrating, is that having our old director speak was the BEST thing ever. I was so anxious up until that moment, but during his speech, I felt felt my whole body relax. At one point, he turned to the audience on the other side and apologized for not facing them, but that he needed to turn and look at his students because WE were the ones that needed to hear him that day. That moment was so incredibly meaningful... It was amazing. The director and I don't really mesh, but I will be forever grateful that he gave us those moments and filled the emotional hole so many of us had experienced that last year after being abandoned by the administration.

My pretend baby brother Connor was elected as class speaker, and I was so proud. He spoke about one of our first assignments we ever had as students- writing about Forgiveness. In our Philosophy of Conflict course, a summer class taught by an Oxford professor, we read the book "The SunFlower" by Simon Wisenthal. It is, in part, about a Holocaust victim, and an SS man. Connor and I have both had difficult journeys in our personal relationships with others, and forgiveness is such an important theme in our lives. I wept as I sat in my chair and heard his important words. He did a good job and I was so proud of him.

 Then came the moment I wasn't exactly excited for- they called my name, I stood and they talked about me for several minutes! It was rough! They called me the Clark Kent of the program, with my double life (so funny given my history) as a student, mediator, and wedding photographer. I sort of looked like I wanted to die the entire time they were talking and my phone blew up with messages like, "You look truly troubled."

In the main commons, (where the exercises were held) quotes from each of the graduates flashed up on the screen throughout the ceremony and during the party afterwards. Mine:

I now have duck feet!

And all of my wonderful friends from Oregon!

 I was so, so happy to get a shot with both of my boys! Kouang will probably fall off the planet and never be heard from again but HA I got the photo before he disappeared!

Joanna and Stephanie (and Claudia) came from Southern California and of course all 4 of my parental figures and my Aunt Dorothy came too!

And my favorite picture from that day- of just me!

We all went to Plakntown Brewery after for dinner. It was so very nice, Sarah's grandparents came in addition to my friends. It was perfect and just what I wanted!I felt like we got the spirit of Springfield and it was the perfect closing to my time in Oregon too.

The Hot Buttered Rum Run 12k (#14 of 14) Grief and Mourning

It was our very last race of 2014!!! November 30th, 2014 in Vancouver, Washington! The grand finale to all of my and Sarah's hard work all over the state of Oregon- we wrapped up our big adventures just over the border! I honestly didn't do much to train for this race other than walking the dog regularly, but I did finish the race!

 

The big stop in the middle was waiting outside the bathrooms for a lady I ended up bonding with. I promised to wait for her, and I did! It was very cold and by the end I was pretty much walking all of it (or it felt like it). I was just so cold and tired! And it was so windy!

 

 

This race was the Saturday after Thanksgiving. On the Thursday before, my friend Natalie who I had known since kindergarten, and who had lived around the corner from me all of my childhood- her mother died from brain cancer. I felt numb. I had messaged my parents on Wednesday night letting them known Sandy was going home on hospice if they wanted to go see her- the family was asking for visitors. But Natalie posted on Facebook Thursday morning that Sandy was already gone.

 

My best friend Kristin's dad Jerry had already died in August, and that had been so overwhelming I had just gone into "helper" mode. Another good friend whose mom died too young had helped me make goody bags to entertain all of the kids at the funeral so the grown ups could just focus on taking care of themselves, and I had just tried to pitch in and help wherever I could. Jerry always treated me like a spare kid- even added me and labeled me on Facebook as one of his children (a loving act I didn't feel I could acknowledge without upsetting my parents, but one that endeared me to him forever.) Sandy dying unleashed those feelings much more so. That was Thursday.

 

On Monday (before Thanksgiving) I had been at school talking with the program assistant in the office and said goodbye and walked out of the building to go home. My phone beeped with a text message from my friend Kristin, Jerry's daughter. It said, " Did you see Kelly Dorn died."

 

My brain talked to me like it was a separate entity from my body. I heard it say, "Do you want to go to your car and be in private when you react to this? Or do you want to go back into the office and be with people? You have about 20 seconds to get where you want to be, and then it will be too late."

 

I met Kelly Dorn in 7th grade. She was a really good friend. She was a fellow wedding photographer . She asked me to shoot her wedding actually (I was booked though; something I will always regret), and came to me for advice regularly. Kelly came to my birthday parties, was a confidante, and signed my year book every year. We sang in choir together, took craft classes and had dozens of mutual friends. Her best friend Barbara was another mutual friend. Kelly used to read this blog. Kelly knew all of my secrets.  

 

When Kelly delivered her daughter 4 years before her death she was diagnosed with a fatal heart condition (PPCM) Peri/Post Partum Cardiomyopathy. Her heart functioned like an old person's. With careful care and monitoring she could live awhile, but Kelly didn't have great coping mechanisms with the stressors in her life and probably shortened her life because of it. Her husband came home from a late shift at the hospital and she was gone. She had been home alone with their daughter at the time. It was the first night their daughter ever slept through the night without climbing in bed with mom and dad. Ever. Tender mercies.

 

The day I found out I stared at my phone for a second, and then turned around and ran back into the law school. I wanted to be with people. I didn't want to do this alone.

 

I burst back into the program assistant's office and said "My friend died. Close the door."

 

Another student was in the office- a student whose parents had passed away a few years ago and she reached over and closed the door. They both looked back at me wide eyed- horrified at my words.

 

Then I lost control.

I hyperventilated.

I sobbed.

I shook.

 They tried to put me in a chair or on the floor and tried to get me to slow down my breathing until I just started crying that everybody dies, and why does everybody have to die? 

 

I don't remember much about being there. I don't really remember anything else about the rest of the day. Sarah picked me up at home that night.

 

Saturday I ran Hot Buttered Run, and I ran it with this shirt I made.

The front said, "You are so dear to me." And the back said, "Jerry, Sandy, Kelly."

 

About halfway through the race a woman struck up a conversation with me about my shirt and I told her about all three of my friends who died, and we talked about them for the whole second half of the race. I cried off and on, but I finished.

 

And that's all that really was important about that day.