[A proposal of words to say upon meeting after a shattering of hearts.]
Thanks for meeting me.
I'd like to talk a bit before we do anything else.
I need this for me.
I feel like we are making a huge mistake here.
I feel like I said and have been saying all of the wrong things and have been really rude and insensitive because I just didn't think how it would come off to you.
It didn't really occur to me until the weekend but, when I thought I was trying to check in with you, it probably just sounded really complain-y and passive aggressive on the couch that night.
When I really thought about it, it probably sounded like an ultimatum. Which is not what I have meant at all. All I wanted was to hear what you thought and I 1.) don't think I ever asked that question very well and 2.) I think you tried to tell me as best you could that that's just not something you can do right now and I could not hear you.
That's mea culpa.
I've never done this before and I know that's a really lame excuse but it's the truth and I'm really sorry for how that felt on the receiving end. It probably sounded like some kind of fucked up all or nothing and never in a thousand years did I think that. If I thought that's what a relationship had to be like, I can totally see being apprehensive about being in one.
I'm really sorry I did that to you.
Clifton, when I told you I was committed, I meant it. Our relationship can be whatever we want it to be. We can set whatever boundaries or rules we want. If we each need more alone time to do stuff that's OK. This is our relationship and we set the rules. I had told you I was so bored lately. I realized in the spring I had class one night, yoga another and homework! My life was crazy. No wonder it feels so empty now. It's not your responsibility to fill every hole.
I just love having my buddy to share life with and that's what I want to do. I need to find some balance here. I love being home but I need to find ways to be intellectually stimulated away from work because it's so stressful. I know you already have a lot of this figured out. I really want us to start fresh here. I really believe it would be a mistake not to. It would be a disservice to us both to not fully see this year out. Our relationship is the BEST and we have so much more to do with each other. I really do not care about the rest as long as I'm with you.
<3 i="">
Saturday, July 08, 2017
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Easter Brunch at Evan's Kitchen
This was such a fun date! Clifton had been boasting of his bottomless mimosas with his roommate at a neighborhood joint in East Sac and I wanted in on the fun. I had honestly hoped to crash their party but the two of us ended up going together and that was just fine. I had never spent a holiday with a boyfriend before and it was really sweet and special! The bunny had left us baskets in the morning, and we had brunch after! :) It was a rainy day and the 57th Street Antique Mall was closed- Clifty really had wanted to take me, but we had such a sweet morning. I had a tri tip eggs benedict, but with the eggs scrambled because runny eggs are so gross to me.
We took so many pictures outside afterwards. Such a good, good day.
It is so nice being with someone who isn't shy of taking pictures with me! This has always been such an issue for me and this was just effortless!
We took so many pictures outside afterwards. Such a good, good day.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
He wore a red hat (Clifton)
Two months after Geoff and I broke up and after I found out he had rebounded with another girlfriend, I went back on OKCupid. I don't remember a whole lot about being back on there, expect pretty immediately finding this particular profile that struck my attention.
A witty, craftily written piece of prose that just prompted a response on my end. There were some deep in the weeds questions that sort of nagged at me, but I was simply giddy at the thought of writing this bearded man with the big black rimmed glasses. Three hours later his clever response sat in my inbox.
Back and forth our messages flew. For a couple of weeks we wrote each other and then we swapped numbers. I don't usually move this fast, but this going right, right from the beginning. It was easy, it was witty and the banter was fresh. Then one day, he owed me an email and didn't answer. Then the texts disappeared. I was disappointed, but I let it drop off. Thus is the nature of online dating. I assumed his relationship status had changed or it simply got too close to the holidays.
Almost six weeks later, I got a text- from Clifton! An apology for the delayed response and a flirtatious request for a date. We were back on. I slyly asked him what girl he had broken up with, but he denied it. He said things had been going so well between us he had gotten nervous with all of the pressure and it had turned into a "thing" and he hadn't known how to respond and it built into a situation where he just couldn't respond. It all sounded ridiculous, and yet, completely relate-able. Out on a friend date with his friend Alesha, she heard the story and demanded he text me on the spot, and apparently he did.
Our first date was fr Milkshakes at Vic's in Land Park. When he made the date I looked up the sweet little 50's diner and saw they closed a mere hour after our 8pm date time. I thought of mentioning this, but ultimately decided, he's the guy, let him steer it. For all I know, he planned that on purpose. it also leaves me with a smooth getaway if I don't like him.
Per usual, I was awash with anxiety on the drive over an by the time i walked up, I wanted to throw up. Then I saw him sitting outside the shoppe. With that red beannie. With... a little Indian girl pin? It turned out to be a pin of Rory Gilmore but I swear on my life it looked like a little Native American Girl pinned on this fire engine red beanie. With his bright red beard and harsh glasses. Why did he wear that hat?! I immediately thought, "NO!" and was grateful for the hour time limit. ...But then we started talking.
The jokes never stopped, and neither did the banter. I was full throttle on the jokes and suddenly found myself telling him about his book I had started to write once. How had we gotten on this story? He had a degree in English and liked to write and suddenly I found myself not quite pea-cocking, but being inadvertently vulnerable even though I hadn't quite meant to be. We drank our milkshakes, but Clifton had an uneasy eye on the soda jerks- they were cleaning up and he didn't want to hold them up. We were the last ones in the shoppe. We slurped up the last of our shakes and walked outside. We exchanged an awkward hug and I stammered out a few more quick comments before- in Clifton's words, sprinting to my car.
He had wanted to ask me for a walk, but never actually articulated the words. I felt I stood there awkwardly and he had made no motion or suggestion of another activity and I didn't want to stand in the parking lot alone after this mini date. I wasn't sure if either of us were interested so off I went.
Apparently we were both interested. We were just pre-heating.
I always find this odd plot twist with boyfriends to come. My immense hesitancy, holding back, refusal to cooperate and ultimately the feeling of "love comes softly." Ultimately this should be how I know this is the one who I am going to be paired with in short order but I never quite see it coming. The gentle man with the silly red hat- he had plans for me.
A witty, craftily written piece of prose that just prompted a response on my end. There were some deep in the weeds questions that sort of nagged at me, but I was simply giddy at the thought of writing this bearded man with the big black rimmed glasses. Three hours later his clever response sat in my inbox.
Back and forth our messages flew. For a couple of weeks we wrote each other and then we swapped numbers. I don't usually move this fast, but this going right, right from the beginning. It was easy, it was witty and the banter was fresh. Then one day, he owed me an email and didn't answer. Then the texts disappeared. I was disappointed, but I let it drop off. Thus is the nature of online dating. I assumed his relationship status had changed or it simply got too close to the holidays.
Almost six weeks later, I got a text- from Clifton! An apology for the delayed response and a flirtatious request for a date. We were back on. I slyly asked him what girl he had broken up with, but he denied it. He said things had been going so well between us he had gotten nervous with all of the pressure and it had turned into a "thing" and he hadn't known how to respond and it built into a situation where he just couldn't respond. It all sounded ridiculous, and yet, completely relate-able. Out on a friend date with his friend Alesha, she heard the story and demanded he text me on the spot, and apparently he did.
Our first date was fr Milkshakes at Vic's in Land Park. When he made the date I looked up the sweet little 50's diner and saw they closed a mere hour after our 8pm date time. I thought of mentioning this, but ultimately decided, he's the guy, let him steer it. For all I know, he planned that on purpose. it also leaves me with a smooth getaway if I don't like him.
Per usual, I was awash with anxiety on the drive over an by the time i walked up, I wanted to throw up. Then I saw him sitting outside the shoppe. With that red beannie. With... a little Indian girl pin? It turned out to be a pin of Rory Gilmore but I swear on my life it looked like a little Native American Girl pinned on this fire engine red beanie. With his bright red beard and harsh glasses. Why did he wear that hat?! I immediately thought, "NO!" and was grateful for the hour time limit. ...But then we started talking.
The jokes never stopped, and neither did the banter. I was full throttle on the jokes and suddenly found myself telling him about his book I had started to write once. How had we gotten on this story? He had a degree in English and liked to write and suddenly I found myself not quite pea-cocking, but being inadvertently vulnerable even though I hadn't quite meant to be. We drank our milkshakes, but Clifton had an uneasy eye on the soda jerks- they were cleaning up and he didn't want to hold them up. We were the last ones in the shoppe. We slurped up the last of our shakes and walked outside. We exchanged an awkward hug and I stammered out a few more quick comments before- in Clifton's words, sprinting to my car.
He had wanted to ask me for a walk, but never actually articulated the words. I felt I stood there awkwardly and he had made no motion or suggestion of another activity and I didn't want to stand in the parking lot alone after this mini date. I wasn't sure if either of us were interested so off I went.
Apparently we were both interested. We were just pre-heating.
I always find this odd plot twist with boyfriends to come. My immense hesitancy, holding back, refusal to cooperate and ultimately the feeling of "love comes softly." Ultimately this should be how I know this is the one who I am going to be paired with in short order but I never quite see it coming. The gentle man with the silly red hat- he had plans for me.
Monday, October 03, 2016
The Only Guy I ever dated that I met in the Wild (Geoff)
August 13th I somehow rounded up a semi-large group of people to go to the BikeKitchen for the once monthly free concert. It's a fundraiser of sorts of the Bike Kitchen, which I guess is a cooperative and community learning business that allows people to work together and learn how to repair their own bikes. Something like that. On the second Saturday of each month when the weather is nice, they have three bands play for free and they have $3 beers and free snacks. I had been going with Raj all spring and after that friendship exploded into tiny little pieces (literally an explosive phone call in which he criticized me in detail because our friends had assumed more about our friendship than there was- an assumption I had also been confused about). I was quite pleased to have rounded up this big group! All of our friends from Sloppy Moose (running club) and my friend Brian had all come so there were close to ten people I was personally acquainted with present. It felt like I really had friends, which felt great.
This one girl from runningclub had brought a random guy- a vertically challenged, tan fellow in a plain white t-shirt with a quick whit who made a few snappy sexually twinged jokes I couldn't help but snort at. We had the same sense of humor and as the night went on, and we drankmore beers we sort of drifted off into our own conversation. My friend Brian left and while I followed him around on the street for a bit, I ultimately came back and spent more time talking with this guy, whose name was apparently Geoff.
Geoff had work early the next day and didn't get out much so he left on his bike to go back home. After he did, the girls in the group immediately began quizzing me about Brian, which confused me. "We're just friends." I relayed the story of our ill-fated attempt at dating from over two years ago and they stared at me blankly while Eric texted wildly in the corner. Geoff apparently was not un-interested, but refused to ask for my number.
Now drunk, I texted him from Eric's phone and told him not to be a pussy. While I did that, Katrina pickpocketed my phone, texted Geoff from my phone impersonating me.
Geoff and I soberly put together the orchestrated set up over the next few days and committed to revenge. We plotted pranks and I liked him even more when he ran through some of the lame attempts at pranks he had made in the past. (No one can compete with me.) In the course of all that texting, we finally got around to liking each other and planning a date, although it took quite a while. Geoff not only moved slow, had no sense of urgency, but also claimed to be a feminist. in my purview, this really came off more as laziness than anything else. There was no equality in the situation. He expected all moves to be made by the woman, which, just resulted in no movement at all. We eventually got a date planned to go to Federalist, but only after I very directly had to ask whether he was interested in me at all because based on his behavior, it didn't seem like it.
Federalist had a line out the door so we wandered over to Kupros and ended up having a great conversation and despite his dorky white socks, and his awkward stare at the end of the date, I liked him. He was going out of town for over a week and we talked pretty incessantly while he was gone.
He was testing to become a Wildlife or backwoods or something EMT and failed miserably. Everyone in the course worked professionally in the field and he had an Environmental Science degree and worked in hazardous waste. He called himself a sell out on the environment, and had other dreams, it was just a matter of getting there. I appreciated that he gave it a try and was willing to work hard towards his goals. When he got back, we went to Ruhstaller for another date and it was weird.
He immediately struck up a conversation with an older couple and I felt like I was being dumped on the date. He physically turned his back to me and ignored me. For over an hour he was engaged in a deep conversation with the guy and I attempted to connect with the drunk woman. For all that we had talked, I felt so confused. I liked the guy, I thought he was cute, but he wasn't even trying to get to know me in person. I was smart, funny, well educated, and he literally was rejecting me before our date had started. It was bizarre. I tried to ignore it and assumed either he or I would just leave at some point or this would be the end of the date. At some point I mentioned to the woman this was only our second date and she looked horrified. She assumed we had been together a long time. She signaled to her husband and almost immediately left and shut both conversations down. I was relieved and grateful she did this. It was like a flip of a switch. Geoff and I got up and moved from the bar to a table, sat next to each other and talked. It was great. It was easy and sharp. He was very harsh, but it worked and I liked that he was smart. We were at Ruhstaller a long time before we stopped and got a pizza dinner somewhere. He tried to talk me into going to the penny arcade but I felt drunk and didn't want to stand.
He walked me up to my car while he wheeled his bike with his dorky helmut on top of his head. He looked so idiotic it was cute and I couldn't help but laugh. I wanted to kiss him. We got to my car and I waited. Nothing. I still felt buzzed and felt so frustrated I finally just reached across and grabbed him.
We made out under a streetlight at D and 10th for over 25 minutes. That's the only time I've ever kissed a man first.
Geoff turned out to be a real asshole and in retrospect, it was there all along. He was flakey and unreliable. He was controlling and manipulative. He pressured me and overall wasn't very interested but was looking for a space filler. He used me and ultimately dumped me via text message after we had dated for almost 3 months. I literally never saw him again. There was no goodbye, no returning of items, no closure, nothing. He left on a trip, and that was it. He's a horrible person and if I see him again I'd punch him in the wiener. The only good thing he ever gave me was the experience of using a kayak. Otherwise I wish I could have erased this entire experience from my life. I essentially lost all of my friends from running club over his idiocy.
Weeks after the text message break up, he was periodocilly still texting me, saying he would be bringing by a wooden shelf he had built for my bathtub. I had explicilty told him- do not promise me you're going to build me this thing if you're not really going to do it. It's just upsetting. He promised he would do it. Then he'd send updates. I didn't insist on closure because allegedly this was coming. Then on snapchat he's holding hands with some girl. Apparently our break up was actually due to some girl either he previously dated, or liked or was friends with becoming single again. I confronted him over text about how he never closed out our relationship before moving on to the next one. You do not date someone for three months and break up with them over text message. That is wrong. You don't lead them to believe you have feelings and you're making plans for the holidays and birthdays and so on and dump them over a text two days later without warning. He's a horrible person. Again. I hope I never see him again but if I do, I'd punch him in the wiener.
This one girl from runningclub had brought a random guy- a vertically challenged, tan fellow in a plain white t-shirt with a quick whit who made a few snappy sexually twinged jokes I couldn't help but snort at. We had the same sense of humor and as the night went on, and we drankmore beers we sort of drifted off into our own conversation. My friend Brian left and while I followed him around on the street for a bit, I ultimately came back and spent more time talking with this guy, whose name was apparently Geoff.
Geoff had work early the next day and didn't get out much so he left on his bike to go back home. After he did, the girls in the group immediately began quizzing me about Brian, which confused me. "We're just friends." I relayed the story of our ill-fated attempt at dating from over two years ago and they stared at me blankly while Eric texted wildly in the corner. Geoff apparently was not un-interested, but refused to ask for my number.
Now drunk, I texted him from Eric's phone and told him not to be a pussy. While I did that, Katrina pickpocketed my phone, texted Geoff from my phone impersonating me.
Geoff and I soberly put together the orchestrated set up over the next few days and committed to revenge. We plotted pranks and I liked him even more when he ran through some of the lame attempts at pranks he had made in the past. (No one can compete with me.) In the course of all that texting, we finally got around to liking each other and planning a date, although it took quite a while. Geoff not only moved slow, had no sense of urgency, but also claimed to be a feminist. in my purview, this really came off more as laziness than anything else. There was no equality in the situation. He expected all moves to be made by the woman, which, just resulted in no movement at all. We eventually got a date planned to go to Federalist, but only after I very directly had to ask whether he was interested in me at all because based on his behavior, it didn't seem like it.
Federalist had a line out the door so we wandered over to Kupros and ended up having a great conversation and despite his dorky white socks, and his awkward stare at the end of the date, I liked him. He was going out of town for over a week and we talked pretty incessantly while he was gone.
He was testing to become a Wildlife or backwoods or something EMT and failed miserably. Everyone in the course worked professionally in the field and he had an Environmental Science degree and worked in hazardous waste. He called himself a sell out on the environment, and had other dreams, it was just a matter of getting there. I appreciated that he gave it a try and was willing to work hard towards his goals. When he got back, we went to Ruhstaller for another date and it was weird.
He immediately struck up a conversation with an older couple and I felt like I was being dumped on the date. He physically turned his back to me and ignored me. For over an hour he was engaged in a deep conversation with the guy and I attempted to connect with the drunk woman. For all that we had talked, I felt so confused. I liked the guy, I thought he was cute, but he wasn't even trying to get to know me in person. I was smart, funny, well educated, and he literally was rejecting me before our date had started. It was bizarre. I tried to ignore it and assumed either he or I would just leave at some point or this would be the end of the date. At some point I mentioned to the woman this was only our second date and she looked horrified. She assumed we had been together a long time. She signaled to her husband and almost immediately left and shut both conversations down. I was relieved and grateful she did this. It was like a flip of a switch. Geoff and I got up and moved from the bar to a table, sat next to each other and talked. It was great. It was easy and sharp. He was very harsh, but it worked and I liked that he was smart. We were at Ruhstaller a long time before we stopped and got a pizza dinner somewhere. He tried to talk me into going to the penny arcade but I felt drunk and didn't want to stand.
He walked me up to my car while he wheeled his bike with his dorky helmut on top of his head. He looked so idiotic it was cute and I couldn't help but laugh. I wanted to kiss him. We got to my car and I waited. Nothing. I still felt buzzed and felt so frustrated I finally just reached across and grabbed him.
We made out under a streetlight at D and 10th for over 25 minutes. That's the only time I've ever kissed a man first.
Geoff turned out to be a real asshole and in retrospect, it was there all along. He was flakey and unreliable. He was controlling and manipulative. He pressured me and overall wasn't very interested but was looking for a space filler. He used me and ultimately dumped me via text message after we had dated for almost 3 months. I literally never saw him again. There was no goodbye, no returning of items, no closure, nothing. He left on a trip, and that was it. He's a horrible person and if I see him again I'd punch him in the wiener. The only good thing he ever gave me was the experience of using a kayak. Otherwise I wish I could have erased this entire experience from my life. I essentially lost all of my friends from running club over his idiocy.
Weeks after the text message break up, he was periodocilly still texting me, saying he would be bringing by a wooden shelf he had built for my bathtub. I had explicilty told him- do not promise me you're going to build me this thing if you're not really going to do it. It's just upsetting. He promised he would do it. Then he'd send updates. I didn't insist on closure because allegedly this was coming. Then on snapchat he's holding hands with some girl. Apparently our break up was actually due to some girl either he previously dated, or liked or was friends with becoming single again. I confronted him over text about how he never closed out our relationship before moving on to the next one. You do not date someone for three months and break up with them over text message. That is wrong. You don't lead them to believe you have feelings and you're making plans for the holidays and birthdays and so on and dump them over a text two days later without warning. He's a horrible person. Again. I hope I never see him again but if I do, I'd punch him in the wiener.
Saturday, July 09, 2016
Cutting off Contact- AGAIN
I can't say it enough, how baffled I am that we are in this place. I find it immature, inconsiderate, and mostly just bizarre. The total and absolute lack of communication is so... confusing. It's just bizarre. Daniel and I had the most emotionally intimate and communicative relationship I had ever been in. But he won't communicate his needs to me now as a friend or acquaintance or past partner or whatever. Which would eliminate literally all of the drama we have experienced. ELIMINATE IT. There would be no drama! Why is there all of this unnecessary heart ache? This is so ridiculous!
Since Tootie died, I have had a huge resurgence of anxiety. I miss him, I feel terrible about what happened, and I have had some low level recurrence of my PTSD symptoms. I also started having some pretty awful stomach pains, which my initial thought might be kidney stones or gallstones,and after an ultrasound and exam and trying out some medication, we have decided it is gastritis brought on by stress. The pain started right after Tootie died. That I could be so physically affected makes me sad also.
Last night I could not fall asleep and was having anxiety and for whatever reason just felt mad and I texted Daniel. I think I sort of knew the message wasn't going to go through so it didn't really matter whether I texted him or not, I just finally had the balls to do it. So I texted him, "Why did you start being mean to me all of a sudden? What is up with that?!" And it never said delivered.
I have looked this up several times- something I have never ever looked up with another ex, which, that in itself bugs me, that my instinct is he would block me, even though I think that's wrong and I'd never do it unless I was being literally stalked, and even then, I probably wouldn't because I'd need evidence to file charges! What I have read is that there should be no evidence on the blocked person's phone that they have been blocked. It should appear as though the message was delivered. So i am puzzled as to why the message doesn't say it was. I guess he could have changed numbers or gotten a non-iPhone but I sort of doubt it.
Also the fact that the message delivery issue first happened that bizarre night when he texted me at my niece's engagement party that "I had mistaken him for someone who cares" (seriously, WTF) leads me to believe he sent that text message as a final knife and then blocked me so I wouldn't be able to respond- or so he wouldn't see my response.
I read back through my messages from the last 3 months, and if I try to step back, I can see them as somewhat annoying. I texted him about one message a month (so three brief 1-2 text conversations a month apart) but largely unsolicited. I wasn't really sure why we weren't speaking though, or if we would go back to being friends though, and I felt the things I was texting him about were noteworthy.
In April I texted and let him know I didn't have cancer. I did text him the next day and said I saw his friend while I was out, and it felt weird. We had talked so much about me meeting her and I just felt like I couldn't get away from "us." He sent a lone text to each message and nothing else. I didn't really get why he was being cold after sending me hundreds of texts in February and March- it happened so suddenly and he never told me why- which is the most effective tactic with me.
In May I texted him happy graduation. No response.
Then in June the weekend Tootie died, and when I met his sister, he deleted me off Facebook without warning or explanation. I assumed it had something to do with meeting his sister- which, when I saw our medical records seemed really ridiculous. It turns out she had been my dog's vet for THREE YEARS. I just hadn't remembered. I knew she felt and sounded so familiar and I had told Daniel so, but I had never actually checked. It had just been 3 years since we had seen her so I hadn't remembered. After a few days I dropped him a message and apologized if I had violated some boundary by introducing myself to his sister but it seemed weird not to, given the volume of personal information I have about his family- his childhood, her personal life, his parent's marriage, their finances, her relationship history... I mean really... If it were reversed I would be quite upset to find someone knew that volume of information about me and hadn't said anything.
I honestly accepted our friendship was over. He was too fucked up to have a friendship with me or to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. He just couldn't handle it. He was going to move to another country (maybe- I kind of have doubts) and in the last few months I have finally gotten to a better place of acceptance and closure. I don't feel good about myself or my own relationship future, but with this, if we don't talk, I have mourned this friendship a lot and I am exhausted. I just wanted to clear the air. If he thought I was being malicious, or had intentionally sought out his sister to maintain a connection that is not something I wanted him telling people. Because it was untrue. So I clarified, and said I was fine that the friendship had ended, but wanted to clear the air. I didn't expect a response. I considered the matter closed. I was surprised he even read the text.
A WEEK LATER at my niece's engagement party, late at night he responded to the message with his weird, "It doesn't matter you saw her. You have mistaken me for someone who cares." message.
This was so unnecessary, so cruel and also... so vague. Do you not care about me? About your sister? Did you not care that the cat died? When I read the message out loud people assumed you were saying you didn't care about me. This is initially how I took it also. But I also realized you could have just been lashing out that I shared with you that the cat died. Maybe you didn't want to hear about my life. I wasn't trying to overshare, I just was explaining why we had gone to the vet. He is so reactive and sensitive. So am I, so I don't blame him, but I wish he wasn't so impulsive.
So... I can step back from my perspective and think, I reached out three separate times over three months, unsolicited, basically received no response and continued to reach out anyway. And this was possibly annoying. Maybe it was upsetting? Getting messages from Daniel was very anxiety provoking but also exciting. I loved him. On the one hand, I think he's being ridiculous. All he really had to do to be a polite, caring human being was to say, "I just don't think us being friends is working. I'm really sorry. I think we are going to have to cut off ties. I know that might be hard for you, but I can't have you text me anymore." Or... even a more subtle, "Thank you," to the grad text, and leave it. And the deleting... if it had nothing to do with his sister I have NO IDEA what prompted it. I had gone to a concert a couple nights before and posted a clip with song lyrics. I thought maybe he had over personalized it (the song was my sister's wedding song... It really had nothing to do with him) but the lyrics could have been applied to things that happened between us. But they were in no way some low context communication to him. I have no idea. I don't know what happened.
Do I care? I do. I care about every person I have ever been with. And Dan is... special. Messed up, but special. He was special to me. He also changed me in a profound way and I don't know what I am going to end up in the future because of him and our relationship. I wish he was adult enough to see I want the best for him, I would never hurt him, and I accept the things he says. I also wish he would weigh the effects of the things he says- and his actions. Because they hurt.
In our relationships, we have the power to heal and to hurt. Intentionally harming someone is not ever the right thing to do. He had this quote I think I facebook I read once, I can't remember if he posted it, or where I read it but I know it was his. It was something like it's the details of how a man lived that matters, they are what differentiate a man from another. Something like that. These actions, his betrayals, his abandonment, his cruel words... these cornerstones he is putting forth into the universe are not in sync with what I believe his morals to be. Women have treated him badly- or so he says- and treating me badly in return is not going to get him where he wants to be. Granted, being kind to people had gotten me trampled on like a doormat, but I can say with absolute conviction I have never hurt anyone like he did me.
Since Tootie died, I have had a huge resurgence of anxiety. I miss him, I feel terrible about what happened, and I have had some low level recurrence of my PTSD symptoms. I also started having some pretty awful stomach pains, which my initial thought might be kidney stones or gallstones,and after an ultrasound and exam and trying out some medication, we have decided it is gastritis brought on by stress. The pain started right after Tootie died. That I could be so physically affected makes me sad also.
Last night I could not fall asleep and was having anxiety and for whatever reason just felt mad and I texted Daniel. I think I sort of knew the message wasn't going to go through so it didn't really matter whether I texted him or not, I just finally had the balls to do it. So I texted him, "Why did you start being mean to me all of a sudden? What is up with that?!" And it never said delivered.
I have looked this up several times- something I have never ever looked up with another ex, which, that in itself bugs me, that my instinct is he would block me, even though I think that's wrong and I'd never do it unless I was being literally stalked, and even then, I probably wouldn't because I'd need evidence to file charges! What I have read is that there should be no evidence on the blocked person's phone that they have been blocked. It should appear as though the message was delivered. So i am puzzled as to why the message doesn't say it was. I guess he could have changed numbers or gotten a non-iPhone but I sort of doubt it.
Also the fact that the message delivery issue first happened that bizarre night when he texted me at my niece's engagement party that "I had mistaken him for someone who cares" (seriously, WTF) leads me to believe he sent that text message as a final knife and then blocked me so I wouldn't be able to respond- or so he wouldn't see my response.
I read back through my messages from the last 3 months, and if I try to step back, I can see them as somewhat annoying. I texted him about one message a month (so three brief 1-2 text conversations a month apart) but largely unsolicited. I wasn't really sure why we weren't speaking though, or if we would go back to being friends though, and I felt the things I was texting him about were noteworthy.
In April I texted and let him know I didn't have cancer. I did text him the next day and said I saw his friend while I was out, and it felt weird. We had talked so much about me meeting her and I just felt like I couldn't get away from "us." He sent a lone text to each message and nothing else. I didn't really get why he was being cold after sending me hundreds of texts in February and March- it happened so suddenly and he never told me why- which is the most effective tactic with me.
In May I texted him happy graduation. No response.
Then in June the weekend Tootie died, and when I met his sister, he deleted me off Facebook without warning or explanation. I assumed it had something to do with meeting his sister- which, when I saw our medical records seemed really ridiculous. It turns out she had been my dog's vet for THREE YEARS. I just hadn't remembered. I knew she felt and sounded so familiar and I had told Daniel so, but I had never actually checked. It had just been 3 years since we had seen her so I hadn't remembered. After a few days I dropped him a message and apologized if I had violated some boundary by introducing myself to his sister but it seemed weird not to, given the volume of personal information I have about his family- his childhood, her personal life, his parent's marriage, their finances, her relationship history... I mean really... If it were reversed I would be quite upset to find someone knew that volume of information about me and hadn't said anything.
I honestly accepted our friendship was over. He was too fucked up to have a friendship with me or to be in a healthy relationship with anyone. He just couldn't handle it. He was going to move to another country (maybe- I kind of have doubts) and in the last few months I have finally gotten to a better place of acceptance and closure. I don't feel good about myself or my own relationship future, but with this, if we don't talk, I have mourned this friendship a lot and I am exhausted. I just wanted to clear the air. If he thought I was being malicious, or had intentionally sought out his sister to maintain a connection that is not something I wanted him telling people. Because it was untrue. So I clarified, and said I was fine that the friendship had ended, but wanted to clear the air. I didn't expect a response. I considered the matter closed. I was surprised he even read the text.
A WEEK LATER at my niece's engagement party, late at night he responded to the message with his weird, "It doesn't matter you saw her. You have mistaken me for someone who cares." message.
This was so unnecessary, so cruel and also... so vague. Do you not care about me? About your sister? Did you not care that the cat died? When I read the message out loud people assumed you were saying you didn't care about me. This is initially how I took it also. But I also realized you could have just been lashing out that I shared with you that the cat died. Maybe you didn't want to hear about my life. I wasn't trying to overshare, I just was explaining why we had gone to the vet. He is so reactive and sensitive. So am I, so I don't blame him, but I wish he wasn't so impulsive.
So... I can step back from my perspective and think, I reached out three separate times over three months, unsolicited, basically received no response and continued to reach out anyway. And this was possibly annoying. Maybe it was upsetting? Getting messages from Daniel was very anxiety provoking but also exciting. I loved him. On the one hand, I think he's being ridiculous. All he really had to do to be a polite, caring human being was to say, "I just don't think us being friends is working. I'm really sorry. I think we are going to have to cut off ties. I know that might be hard for you, but I can't have you text me anymore." Or... even a more subtle, "Thank you," to the grad text, and leave it. And the deleting... if it had nothing to do with his sister I have NO IDEA what prompted it. I had gone to a concert a couple nights before and posted a clip with song lyrics. I thought maybe he had over personalized it (the song was my sister's wedding song... It really had nothing to do with him) but the lyrics could have been applied to things that happened between us. But they were in no way some low context communication to him. I have no idea. I don't know what happened.
Do I care? I do. I care about every person I have ever been with. And Dan is... special. Messed up, but special. He was special to me. He also changed me in a profound way and I don't know what I am going to end up in the future because of him and our relationship. I wish he was adult enough to see I want the best for him, I would never hurt him, and I accept the things he says. I also wish he would weigh the effects of the things he says- and his actions. Because they hurt.
In our relationships, we have the power to heal and to hurt. Intentionally harming someone is not ever the right thing to do. He had this quote I think I facebook I read once, I can't remember if he posted it, or where I read it but I know it was his. It was something like it's the details of how a man lived that matters, they are what differentiate a man from another. Something like that. These actions, his betrayals, his abandonment, his cruel words... these cornerstones he is putting forth into the universe are not in sync with what I believe his morals to be. Women have treated him badly- or so he says- and treating me badly in return is not going to get him where he wants to be. Granted, being kind to people had gotten me trampled on like a doormat, but I can say with absolute conviction I have never hurt anyone like he did me.
Thursday, July 07, 2016
Pointing to the Future, with hands aghast.
I feel so emotionally unprepared to date again. Some part of me misses having a partner, and remembers how satisfying it was to just have someone there. It is that part of me that keeps me active on various dating apps. But... the rest of me just isn't there. I feel so flat and disinterested. Whenever I make a new connection with someone, if I write to that person at all, which is a very small proportion of the time, I very quickly drop off the conversation. I just can't make myself engage.
After Daniel, things are just different. I don't know that I have felt this way before. When I think about getting married or having kids now, it's akin to a foreign concept. It is an uncomfortable coat to try on. It doesn't seem to fit anymore. I expressed these kinds of feelings back in December, right after we broke up, but while my depression and mood has improved, my feelings haven't changed.
I was truly, my most authentic self with this person. I was incredibly vulnerable and open. I threw my arms wide and jumped in with every part of me. And I got burned, badly. I have continued to be burned, repeatedly in the months since. Each additional incident hurts less because I'm so unsurprised by it and I feel I understand his behavior and where it's rooting from. To the extent I don't even question it anymore. I just get it. (Which annoys me also.)
After a relationship that was that emotionally intense for me, I just can't even fathom being that vulnerable again, with anyone. It sounds so incredibly horrible to me. My distrust of men is incredibly low at this point. It would take a very special person to rise above the barrier of crap people have left behind with me. I don't really know what to do, but I don't really care either. That's how little interest I have at this point.
I used to say I didn't believe people were meant to be alone. We are supposed to have partners. I feel like I am rounding this bend in my life where I just don't believe that for myself any longer. I've been alone a long time and things are relatively peaceful that way. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a partner. Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe that's what all of these horrible things were supposed to direct me to.
I don't know. And I don't really care. But, I can't help but feel mournful about all of it.
After Daniel, things are just different. I don't know that I have felt this way before. When I think about getting married or having kids now, it's akin to a foreign concept. It is an uncomfortable coat to try on. It doesn't seem to fit anymore. I expressed these kinds of feelings back in December, right after we broke up, but while my depression and mood has improved, my feelings haven't changed.
I was truly, my most authentic self with this person. I was incredibly vulnerable and open. I threw my arms wide and jumped in with every part of me. And I got burned, badly. I have continued to be burned, repeatedly in the months since. Each additional incident hurts less because I'm so unsurprised by it and I feel I understand his behavior and where it's rooting from. To the extent I don't even question it anymore. I just get it. (Which annoys me also.)
After a relationship that was that emotionally intense for me, I just can't even fathom being that vulnerable again, with anyone. It sounds so incredibly horrible to me. My distrust of men is incredibly low at this point. It would take a very special person to rise above the barrier of crap people have left behind with me. I don't really know what to do, but I don't really care either. That's how little interest I have at this point.
I used to say I didn't believe people were meant to be alone. We are supposed to have partners. I feel like I am rounding this bend in my life where I just don't believe that for myself any longer. I've been alone a long time and things are relatively peaceful that way. Maybe I'm not supposed to have a partner. Maybe I am meant to be alone. Maybe that's what all of these horrible things were supposed to direct me to.
I don't know. And I don't really care. But, I can't help but feel mournful about all of it.
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