Matt is coming over on Friday. He's made it clear we are breaking up because of the stress the distance puts on him. I am extremely unhappy and am having a very difficult time. I feel very defeated and really feel there is no point in trying again with someone else. Matt is the epitomy of what I want in a partner, and I am everything he wants, and it still isn't going to work out. Why bother trying if even the perfect person for me can't be with me? All of my dreams were coming true in one amazing blink of an eye, and with an equally quick swoop they are being taken away, yet again. I can't keep doing this. And I don't want to. Maybe dreams are "dreams" for a reason.
I had an interview last week with a family law firm, which is yet another job I did not get, but the interview itself, and the attorney who interviewed me were very inspiring. I contacted the admissions office at McGeorge School of Law here in Sacramento and had an appointment with the Dean of Admissions about my situation. He said I do not need to take the baby bar exam and in fact, he advises against it. He said I am eligible to reapply to law school as a first time student after a 2 year waiting period. It has already been a year, and he advised me to begin appying to schools this fall. He also told me to take the LSAT (law school admissions exam) again. He said the things that happened to me in school were extreme and the admissions council would be sympathetic to that, but I would still need to prove I have the academic capability of suceeding in school. In other words, take the LSAT again, and do VERY well. he also said having an attorney write my recocmendation letter- personally vouching for me would go far. He was very positive about that firm I applied at, since it's a one attorney firm I would get a TON of hands-on training and the experience would be invaluable. But I didn't get the job.
If I started over, I could REALLY start over... I could apply to any school I wanted- I wouldn't be limited to my state accredited school. I could go anywhere. Even McGeorge. (Where I had my appointment.) But that also means starting over from scratch. Right back to when I was 22, studying for the LSAT with a bunch of other fresh faced college graduates. It feels like a big step back. But it could also be a big step forward... The advisor wanted me to apply this fall, to start in the fall of 2010, but I think that is too soon. My personal situation has not been smoothed over yet and I'm not ready to committ. I'm not well yet and I am still figuring this depression stuff out. At least I can frankly look at my situation and recognize that now. A couple of years ago I couldn't... and that's how I got into this mess.
Now what do I do? School is encouraging... the Matt situation breaks my heart and I feel myself loosing all of the faith I had left in my future personal happiness...
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sick
I am just plain old sick. Not sick with a cold. But sick in that I feel horrible- it's the depression stuff. I had a really bad time a few weeks ago and it was REALLY bad, and then gave me a second medication to try and help me. Which it was, but today I got swept up in some drama with Matt ( maybe not drama, but it made me upset, so that's what I am calling it.) and I completely forgot to take my medication all day, and I am supposed to do two separate doses twice a day of two dierent kids of medication and I forgot all of it until after 10pm, when I was feeling really weepy and awful... and then I remembered. I wonder if just missing it one day like that could make me feel that awful that fast. I don't know. Anybody know?
Anyway, I just feel horrible. Really down, really sad, weepy, unmotivated, exhausted. I'm just so tired. And today it was worse because I laid down and I fell asleep for a moment and instantly woke up startled, like, I jumped a foot off the bed kind of thing. That happened every single time I started to fall asleep. I'd drift off and JUMP! One time I like punched my fist, or hit myself, or the bed, or I don't know what, but it was weird. It was hard to not feel good and then not get relief from taking a nap.
I didn't talk to Matt yesterday, and he started messaging me first thing this morning, and that was great. But after an hour or so he dropped a bomb on me, that he needed to save money because he might buy a house. I got really upset, and he didn't answer my messages for almost 2 hours. I called and left messages and texted and said he needed to call me. And he called and he said, well 99% of the reason he moved was for his dad but it was also because he misses him family and being there these 6 weeks has made him even closer to them, and he wants to keep his options open and save money so he can buy a house, and then he will sell this one.
I feel really deceived. All this time I have taken him at his word that he has been too busy, and that he is miserable all the time and work is awful. And then today he told me he doesn't miss his old office at all and that it is great to work up there because it is so beautiful there, and that he has more friends there than here, because there are family friends there. And being there these 6 weeks has brought him so much closer to his family and if he is down here he can't see them whenever he wants.
I feel like he is forcing himself into choosing between me and his family and that is ridiculous, he doesn't have to do that. If he lives here he can see them whenever he wants. But he says he can't. I don't understand.
I am really, REALLY upset. I picked wrong again. How did I pick the wrong guy again? As a person he is perfect for me, and yet he is so overly involved in his family he would rather be a single bachelor for the rest of his life and live down the street from them than try to build a life and family of his own with me- and still see his family. He can have it both ways... he just can't have it up there like that. If he feels this disconnected and distant from me and so close to them after 6 weeks that he has already gone back on what we discussed about not buying a house there at least until the 6 months were up and only if his dad was in bad shape.... if he is already like this after 6 weeks... how could we possibly be together these 4.5 months he at least has left if he has already pulled away so much? He needs to change what he is doing, since he apparently could call me and communicate with me more than he has. He told me today he is a bad communicator. No, really?
He told me on Friday that his dad is getting back to his old self and is much better.
I feel heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong? How am I picking them wrong? He is so right for me. He was everything I wanted and more. He would be a wonderful partner and father and provider, and he loves me. And... I don't understand. I am so upset. I feel lost. I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't know I could be in a relationship where we were both crazy about each other, and loved each other and someone could tell me things like they love me and think I'm beautiful and want to be with me forever... and then tell me that they are considering moving 2 hours away so they can see their family every day and just cut us off, just like that.
I am so hurt. :(
Anyway, I just feel horrible. Really down, really sad, weepy, unmotivated, exhausted. I'm just so tired. And today it was worse because I laid down and I fell asleep for a moment and instantly woke up startled, like, I jumped a foot off the bed kind of thing. That happened every single time I started to fall asleep. I'd drift off and JUMP! One time I like punched my fist, or hit myself, or the bed, or I don't know what, but it was weird. It was hard to not feel good and then not get relief from taking a nap.
I didn't talk to Matt yesterday, and he started messaging me first thing this morning, and that was great. But after an hour or so he dropped a bomb on me, that he needed to save money because he might buy a house. I got really upset, and he didn't answer my messages for almost 2 hours. I called and left messages and texted and said he needed to call me. And he called and he said, well 99% of the reason he moved was for his dad but it was also because he misses him family and being there these 6 weeks has made him even closer to them, and he wants to keep his options open and save money so he can buy a house, and then he will sell this one.
I feel really deceived. All this time I have taken him at his word that he has been too busy, and that he is miserable all the time and work is awful. And then today he told me he doesn't miss his old office at all and that it is great to work up there because it is so beautiful there, and that he has more friends there than here, because there are family friends there. And being there these 6 weeks has brought him so much closer to his family and if he is down here he can't see them whenever he wants.
I feel like he is forcing himself into choosing between me and his family and that is ridiculous, he doesn't have to do that. If he lives here he can see them whenever he wants. But he says he can't. I don't understand.
I am really, REALLY upset. I picked wrong again. How did I pick the wrong guy again? As a person he is perfect for me, and yet he is so overly involved in his family he would rather be a single bachelor for the rest of his life and live down the street from them than try to build a life and family of his own with me- and still see his family. He can have it both ways... he just can't have it up there like that. If he feels this disconnected and distant from me and so close to them after 6 weeks that he has already gone back on what we discussed about not buying a house there at least until the 6 months were up and only if his dad was in bad shape.... if he is already like this after 6 weeks... how could we possibly be together these 4.5 months he at least has left if he has already pulled away so much? He needs to change what he is doing, since he apparently could call me and communicate with me more than he has. He told me today he is a bad communicator. No, really?
He told me on Friday that his dad is getting back to his old self and is much better.
I feel heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong? How am I picking them wrong? He is so right for me. He was everything I wanted and more. He would be a wonderful partner and father and provider, and he loves me. And... I don't understand. I am so upset. I feel lost. I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't know I could be in a relationship where we were both crazy about each other, and loved each other and someone could tell me things like they love me and think I'm beautiful and want to be with me forever... and then tell me that they are considering moving 2 hours away so they can see their family every day and just cut us off, just like that.
I am so hurt. :(
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Raspberry Cream Torte
There is this cake at Freeport Bakery here in Sacramento that we frequently get for birthdays. It is called a Raspberry cream torte. It is a chocolate cake on the bottom, and then like 4 or 5 inches of fluffy raspberry whipped cream stuff, and then the entire thing is covered in chocolate ganche.
A couple of weeks after Matt and I started dating, he cooked me dinner, and I spent the several days prior working on my dessert- my own version of a raspberry cream torte!
I took one small carton of heavy whipping cream, sweetened it with a bit of granulated sugar I think, and mixed in mashed up fresh raspberries and raspbery jam when I whipped it stiff. I believe it naturally turned pink, but you can dye it if it's not pink enough for you. Actually, I think I might have used two small cartons for this one, since there were so many layers.
Then I baked two chocolate cakes from mixes- they were like a $1, so it was cheap, and I"ve never been successful at making any chocolate flavored baking item like that anyway for some reason. I only had one pan, so I had to bake and cool them one at a time. Once that was done, I cut each cake in half horizontally, so I then had 4 cakes. I put each on parchment paper, and then spread a mixture of mashed fresh raspberries, and raspbery jam/preserves on the top of each one and let it sit in the fridge like that overnight.
It took me maybe 3 or 4 days to totally finish this cake because I wanted to take great care in doing it right, and making sure it was as flavorful as possible.
Plus I always bake at night, so eventually you have to go to bed too. Cake also works better when it is a bit dried out, so it doesn't crumble when you stack it.
Then I started stacking the raspberry soaked layers. I filled up a pastry bag with my raspberry cream, and made nice thick layers in between each cake. I started off with making a "dam" around the edge of each layer, just a half inch or inch in from the edge so it wouldn't squirt out. (This is why everything should be cold when you are working with it too. I actually put the cakes in the freezer for awhile before I started doing this.) then I filled up the middle with filling, making a high, high layer of cream in the middle of each. So there are a total of 7 layers in all.
I did this in layers by the way, because I could not think of a way to pour ganche straight onto the cream like the bakery cake without melting it all.
Then I stuck the cake in the freezer for awhile so it was cold and protected from melting for the next part.
Then you make the ganache. I used a big bag of hershey's semi sweet chocolate chips, and melted them in the microwave with some oil. I make a chocolate peanut butter pie (in the archives) that has a oil/chocolate top, and i've never had luck making real ganache in the past, so i did it this way, since I knew it was easy.
I dumped a bunch on top and make a crumb coat layer, essentially, just like you would with buttercream. I let that set a bit ( and i the cake is too cold then the chocolate hardens up really quick and can be hard to spread, so it's a careful balance. I just made it work how it was. It does need to be cold tho.) Once it was set, I did another layer, and covered it until it was pretty. I used the leftover cream to pipe on the top with the star tip, and lacking anything else to write, wrote "ME" since i made it. Volia! I let it sit in the fridge overnight again so the layers could really mesh and blend together, and the cake was amazing. Matty loved it! :)
A couple of weeks after Matt and I started dating, he cooked me dinner, and I spent the several days prior working on my dessert- my own version of a raspberry cream torte!
I took one small carton of heavy whipping cream, sweetened it with a bit of granulated sugar I think, and mixed in mashed up fresh raspberries and raspbery jam when I whipped it stiff. I believe it naturally turned pink, but you can dye it if it's not pink enough for you. Actually, I think I might have used two small cartons for this one, since there were so many layers.
Then I baked two chocolate cakes from mixes- they were like a $1, so it was cheap, and I"ve never been successful at making any chocolate flavored baking item like that anyway for some reason. I only had one pan, so I had to bake and cool them one at a time. Once that was done, I cut each cake in half horizontally, so I then had 4 cakes. I put each on parchment paper, and then spread a mixture of mashed fresh raspberries, and raspbery jam/preserves on the top of each one and let it sit in the fridge like that overnight.
It took me maybe 3 or 4 days to totally finish this cake because I wanted to take great care in doing it right, and making sure it was as flavorful as possible.
Plus I always bake at night, so eventually you have to go to bed too. Cake also works better when it is a bit dried out, so it doesn't crumble when you stack it.
Then I started stacking the raspberry soaked layers. I filled up a pastry bag with my raspberry cream, and made nice thick layers in between each cake. I started off with making a "dam" around the edge of each layer, just a half inch or inch in from the edge so it wouldn't squirt out. (This is why everything should be cold when you are working with it too. I actually put the cakes in the freezer for awhile before I started doing this.) then I filled up the middle with filling, making a high, high layer of cream in the middle of each. So there are a total of 7 layers in all.
I did this in layers by the way, because I could not think of a way to pour ganche straight onto the cream like the bakery cake without melting it all.
Then I stuck the cake in the freezer for awhile so it was cold and protected from melting for the next part.
Then you make the ganache. I used a big bag of hershey's semi sweet chocolate chips, and melted them in the microwave with some oil. I make a chocolate peanut butter pie (in the archives) that has a oil/chocolate top, and i've never had luck making real ganache in the past, so i did it this way, since I knew it was easy.
I dumped a bunch on top and make a crumb coat layer, essentially, just like you would with buttercream. I let that set a bit ( and i the cake is too cold then the chocolate hardens up really quick and can be hard to spread, so it's a careful balance. I just made it work how it was. It does need to be cold tho.) Once it was set, I did another layer, and covered it until it was pretty. I used the leftover cream to pipe on the top with the star tip, and lacking anything else to write, wrote "ME" since i made it. Volia! I let it sit in the fridge overnight again so the layers could really mesh and blend together, and the cake was amazing. Matty loved it! :)
And just for fun here are the pretty flowers Matt gave me that night. :) I dried them so I still have them.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Pre-Interview Post!
I did it! Finally after 8 months of applying for jobs, I finally got an interview at a non-bogus/sketchy company. YAY! This job is for a Records Clerk at an environmental law firm. I am not into environmental law, but a law firm is a law firm and I really need a job. In the back of my head I am saying to myself that I will keep applying for jobs at the state even if I get this job. But it will all depend on pay. I have no idea what ths job pays. By the looks of the company, they are VERY large (400 lawyers! across several states too!) and therefore may be able to adequately compensate their employees. They've worked on alot of high profile cases (they list them on their website) including the lawsuit against Wendy's for the lady who claimed to find a human finger in her chilli. (She had planted it there in order to scheme money and is in prison now folks, so never fear.) So that is very exciting. It could be a very significant employer to put on my resume if they are as well known as a I suspect they may be. I am very excited to even be interviewed.
I hope:
that it is an awesome place to work.
that I would love the job.
that it pays what I want and/or need it to.
that I get the job.
that I am super happy.
that it doesn't affect my ability to see my Matty......
Interview is downtown at 130pm. Hope I can find parking!!!
I hope:
that it is an awesome place to work.
that I would love the job.
that it pays what I want and/or need it to.
that I get the job.
that I am super happy.
that it doesn't affect my ability to see my Matty......
Interview is downtown at 130pm. Hope I can find parking!!!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I guess I better update!
Things with Matt have flip flopped again!!
I talked to him about everything last Saturday and he was upset at first and jumped to the wrong conclusion, but by the end he somehow got the point. The very next day he started saying good morning to me again, which I love, and he has even been able to call a few times. turns out he is unhappy at work. The next youngest guy on staff has been a cop for 15 years. Matt is 29. The guy next closest in age to him is at least 40. This is an issue. Especially since he is new, he has to work a day shift the first month to learn the area. This means that some guy who has had that shift for 20 years just got put on a swing shift and is MAD!!!!! Everyone is shunning him and treating him badly. They even have an acrnoym for it.... I will edit it for you but it is something like Pooping New Guy. But the first word actually starts with an "F". Matt is really religious and conservative and he is NOT happy about his new "nickname". I am also concered about his safety as they are not teaming up with him like they should. This has created alot of stress and discontent for him.
So, that explains some of it. And once he started calling he did mention it. I know he is very unhappy at work. Which makes me really sad because he LOVES his job, and always has. He has not had this happen before, so it is very, very unfortunate.
We talked all last week, and then on thursday he was able to com efor a visit. YAY! His first visit!!! :)
He had court at 130pm, had to leave my area by 11am, but couldn't start the drive to Sacramento until 8am when he called the court. He planned to be here from 10am-11am. A short visit, but a visit is a visit, so WHEWHOO! If he didn't have court, he would have to go on his regualar shift at 10am, so I was really hoping he had court.
I set the alarm for 8am to check in and see if he was coming, and then get up and clean some if he was, or go back to bed if he wasn't.
I texted him, "So do you have court? Are you coming?" He texted me back "I'll be there in15 minutes" AHHHHHH!
Apparently he wanted to see me so bad that he just decided to assume that he was going to get called in to court and just left at 63oam to come see me so we could have some extra time together!
YAY!
We had a great time and laughed alot. I love him so much and I know he loves me so much. It felt really good to have some fun time without any stress or drama going on. It has been a long time for us! I got him for 3.5 hours and it was great! I can't wait to see him again! He has been good since then and I have heard from him everyday. Mostly he has said good morning to me everyday, but I got a few I miss you's instead too. :)
So let's hope it will be smooth sailing for awhile! We need the break!
Next, I have so far submitted 8 applications to the state, all for a "staff services analyst" job with job duties that are different for each department.
So ar I sent applications to
Department of child support services
families first, dept of child and family services
California Highway patrol ( I could work for the chp like Matt!!! But I would be at the academy, but still, maybe I won't get anymore tickets now! lol)
dept of consumer afairs, pschology division--- 2 apps went here
cal trans
I can't remember the other two..hmmm
anyway, cross your fingers for me!!
My friend Michelle and I are going to a 9am showing of the new harry potter movie, and lunch aterwards, so I am hoping to have good fun tomorrow!
I also pulled a bunch of money out of my savings ( which I hated doing :( ) and paid off my credit card. But then I charged groceries, so now I owe $75, but that is a small amount.
More bad news, I got my first ever complaint from a client about pictures. Sadly it turned out that they were lying because they couldn't afford to pay me their finaly payment and asked to be released from their contract. So, I don't have a wedding on August 8th anymore. But that does mean I have a weekend free!
Another bad thing, another bride took a funny email I sent her the wrong way and is writing bad things baout me online, but acting like everything is fine when she talks to me directly. I don't know what to do about that, but it is very upsetting. They are also having money issues and are using this as some kind of excuse... ugh.
I cannot wait to escape my job!
A good thing was the wedding I did last weekend was in san franciso and was great!
I also went and saw that sandra bulluck movie- the proposal- by myself last week. I was all upset so I needed a break so I just went and I felt better. Yay for emily for taking care of herself!
Now we just need to get me to stop eating and go back to the gym before I start gaining weight!!
I talked to him about everything last Saturday and he was upset at first and jumped to the wrong conclusion, but by the end he somehow got the point. The very next day he started saying good morning to me again, which I love, and he has even been able to call a few times. turns out he is unhappy at work. The next youngest guy on staff has been a cop for 15 years. Matt is 29. The guy next closest in age to him is at least 40. This is an issue. Especially since he is new, he has to work a day shift the first month to learn the area. This means that some guy who has had that shift for 20 years just got put on a swing shift and is MAD!!!!! Everyone is shunning him and treating him badly. They even have an acrnoym for it.... I will edit it for you but it is something like Pooping New Guy. But the first word actually starts with an "F". Matt is really religious and conservative and he is NOT happy about his new "nickname". I am also concered about his safety as they are not teaming up with him like they should. This has created alot of stress and discontent for him.
So, that explains some of it. And once he started calling he did mention it. I know he is very unhappy at work. Which makes me really sad because he LOVES his job, and always has. He has not had this happen before, so it is very, very unfortunate.
We talked all last week, and then on thursday he was able to com efor a visit. YAY! His first visit!!! :)
He had court at 130pm, had to leave my area by 11am, but couldn't start the drive to Sacramento until 8am when he called the court. He planned to be here from 10am-11am. A short visit, but a visit is a visit, so WHEWHOO! If he didn't have court, he would have to go on his regualar shift at 10am, so I was really hoping he had court.
I set the alarm for 8am to check in and see if he was coming, and then get up and clean some if he was, or go back to bed if he wasn't.
I texted him, "So do you have court? Are you coming?" He texted me back "I'll be there in15 minutes" AHHHHHH!
Apparently he wanted to see me so bad that he just decided to assume that he was going to get called in to court and just left at 63oam to come see me so we could have some extra time together!
YAY!
We had a great time and laughed alot. I love him so much and I know he loves me so much. It felt really good to have some fun time without any stress or drama going on. It has been a long time for us! I got him for 3.5 hours and it was great! I can't wait to see him again! He has been good since then and I have heard from him everyday. Mostly he has said good morning to me everyday, but I got a few I miss you's instead too. :)
So let's hope it will be smooth sailing for awhile! We need the break!
Next, I have so far submitted 8 applications to the state, all for a "staff services analyst" job with job duties that are different for each department.
So ar I sent applications to
Department of child support services
families first, dept of child and family services
California Highway patrol ( I could work for the chp like Matt!!! But I would be at the academy, but still, maybe I won't get anymore tickets now! lol)
dept of consumer afairs, pschology division--- 2 apps went here
cal trans
I can't remember the other two..hmmm
anyway, cross your fingers for me!!
My friend Michelle and I are going to a 9am showing of the new harry potter movie, and lunch aterwards, so I am hoping to have good fun tomorrow!
I also pulled a bunch of money out of my savings ( which I hated doing :( ) and paid off my credit card. But then I charged groceries, so now I owe $75, but that is a small amount.
More bad news, I got my first ever complaint from a client about pictures. Sadly it turned out that they were lying because they couldn't afford to pay me their finaly payment and asked to be released from their contract. So, I don't have a wedding on August 8th anymore. But that does mean I have a weekend free!
Another bad thing, another bride took a funny email I sent her the wrong way and is writing bad things baout me online, but acting like everything is fine when she talks to me directly. I don't know what to do about that, but it is very upsetting. They are also having money issues and are using this as some kind of excuse... ugh.
I cannot wait to escape my job!
A good thing was the wedding I did last weekend was in san franciso and was great!
I also went and saw that sandra bulluck movie- the proposal- by myself last week. I was all upset so I needed a break so I just went and I felt better. Yay for emily for taking care of herself!
Now we just need to get me to stop eating and go back to the gym before I start gaining weight!!
Friday, July 03, 2009
What next?
......Deep Sigh.......
Emily is NOT having a good day. I am not feeling well, I am feeling very bad actually. And by "feeling" I mean emotionally, not physically. :(
Matt left Tuesday afternoon and everything was great. He messaged me the whole way up to Redding. But the second he got there, he stopped answering my messages.
...Ok, so he is having dinner with his parents, and getting settled.... that's fine. No biggie.
All day Wednesday, nothing. I shoot him a message early that evening, and he says he's been asleep all day and is going back to bed again. Ok......
Thursday.... nothing all day. Nothing. It's his first day of work too, so I know he has to be up at some point, and when he was here on Tuesday, he said he would be more able to talk to me on shift because he would have a signal in places on the highway. (No signal at his parent's.) At 10pm or 11pm, maybe it wasn't even until midnight, I messaged him and he sent me two messages back, then nothing. No goodbye, no goodnight, nothing.
It's is now 8:30pm on Friday, and so far today? Nothing.
I realize he is settling in. I recognize it is probably a little freaky starting out at a new office, and you're the lowest on the totem pole. I am sure his parents are very distracting.
But the last 3 weeks have been pure hell for me. Yes, I know they have been bad for him too, and yes I feel bad about it. But now he is up there, and he has committed to being with me, and I need him to go back to the normal "I"m a fantastic Boyfriend" Matt. I feel very insecure, very neglected, and am now totally questioning whether I should be doing this. I don't want to be on a constant emotional roller coaster with him. I can't take it. It is really taking a toll on my depression stuff and at this point I feel like my medication is not even working. I am sure it is... but the fact I feel SO bad, and SO low despite being on really high doses of anti-depressants, that it is really a testament to how much this has stressed and upset me.
I need reassurance, I need to feel loved, and I need that security that has been lacking the last few weeks. this week has been a total emotional rollercoaster and I don't know what to do about it.
He is supposed to be back here on Sunday or something, but he hasn't told me his plans or anything, and i didn't have a chance to ask him since he keeps stopping sending me messages while we are texting before I can ask, and I don't even bother calling because the connection is SO bad.
I am really tired of this. I feel awful. I do love him, and I think he is a GREAT match for me, and I can really see us building a life together... BUT I am just exausted and I really need somebody to take care of ME for awhile.
:(
I got so upset earlier this afternoon I just got in bed and laid there for a long time, and then realized this really wasn't very healthy so I got up and went to the movies by myself. It was hard to relax but it was a good break. I saw "The Proposal". It's was cute. I dunno if I would buy it, but I would definetly watch it if it was on tv. Then I wandered around Target teary eyed.
I am so tired.
Going to my aunt & Uncle's for the 4th... I am bringing some reese's brownies and I am going to make a flag cake (the one with the strawberry stripes and blueberry star part. I haven't started either yet. But I don't have to be over there until around 4pm tomorrow so I have time.
Emily is NOT having a good day. I am not feeling well, I am feeling very bad actually. And by "feeling" I mean emotionally, not physically. :(
Matt left Tuesday afternoon and everything was great. He messaged me the whole way up to Redding. But the second he got there, he stopped answering my messages.
...Ok, so he is having dinner with his parents, and getting settled.... that's fine. No biggie.
All day Wednesday, nothing. I shoot him a message early that evening, and he says he's been asleep all day and is going back to bed again. Ok......
Thursday.... nothing all day. Nothing. It's his first day of work too, so I know he has to be up at some point, and when he was here on Tuesday, he said he would be more able to talk to me on shift because he would have a signal in places on the highway. (No signal at his parent's.) At 10pm or 11pm, maybe it wasn't even until midnight, I messaged him and he sent me two messages back, then nothing. No goodbye, no goodnight, nothing.
It's is now 8:30pm on Friday, and so far today? Nothing.
I realize he is settling in. I recognize it is probably a little freaky starting out at a new office, and you're the lowest on the totem pole. I am sure his parents are very distracting.
But the last 3 weeks have been pure hell for me. Yes, I know they have been bad for him too, and yes I feel bad about it. But now he is up there, and he has committed to being with me, and I need him to go back to the normal "I"m a fantastic Boyfriend" Matt. I feel very insecure, very neglected, and am now totally questioning whether I should be doing this. I don't want to be on a constant emotional roller coaster with him. I can't take it. It is really taking a toll on my depression stuff and at this point I feel like my medication is not even working. I am sure it is... but the fact I feel SO bad, and SO low despite being on really high doses of anti-depressants, that it is really a testament to how much this has stressed and upset me.
I need reassurance, I need to feel loved, and I need that security that has been lacking the last few weeks. this week has been a total emotional rollercoaster and I don't know what to do about it.
He is supposed to be back here on Sunday or something, but he hasn't told me his plans or anything, and i didn't have a chance to ask him since he keeps stopping sending me messages while we are texting before I can ask, and I don't even bother calling because the connection is SO bad.
I am really tired of this. I feel awful. I do love him, and I think he is a GREAT match for me, and I can really see us building a life together... BUT I am just exausted and I really need somebody to take care of ME for awhile.
:(
I got so upset earlier this afternoon I just got in bed and laid there for a long time, and then realized this really wasn't very healthy so I got up and went to the movies by myself. It was hard to relax but it was a good break. I saw "The Proposal". It's was cute. I dunno if I would buy it, but I would definetly watch it if it was on tv. Then I wandered around Target teary eyed.
I am so tired.
Going to my aunt & Uncle's for the 4th... I am bringing some reese's brownies and I am going to make a flag cake (the one with the strawberry stripes and blueberry star part. I haven't started either yet. But I don't have to be over there until around 4pm tomorrow so I have time.
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