The Procrastinator!

Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/213217363580352838/

When my second niece was in elementary school, she and I sat down and created a super hero:

THE Pro-CRASTINATOR!!!!!!!!

She'll get things done... EVENT-u-ally!!!!!!!!

We designed a super hero cape that could be attached with Velcro to an t-shirt, which I thought was genius. I always meant to make one, but... uh.. being the woman THE Pro-CRASTINATOR was based off, you can see why it never got done. :) Or rather, is still in progress. (Said niece is 16 and a half now.)

I read this on Facebook this week and loved it and it made me think of that story. Quote:

“It turns out procrastination is not typically a function of laziness, apathy or work ethic as it is often regarded to be. It’s a neurotic self-defense behavior that develops to protect a person’s sense of self-worth.
You see, procrastinators tend to be people who have, for whatever reason, developed to perceive an unusually strong association between their performance and their value as a person. This makes failure or criticism disproportionately painful, which leads naturally to hesitancy when it comes to the prospect of doing anything that reflects their ability — which is pretty much everything.

But in real life, you can’t avoid doing things. We have to earn a living, do our taxes, have difficult conversations sometimes. Human life requires confronting uncertainty and risk, so pressure mounts. Procrastination gives a person a temporary hit of relief from this pressure of “having to do” things, which is a self-rewarding behavior. So it continues and becomes the normal way to respond to these pressures.

Particularly prone to serious procrastination problems are children who grew up with unusually high expectations placed on them. Their older siblings may have been high achievers, leaving big shoes to fill, or their parents may have had neurotic and inhuman expectations of their own, or else they exhibited exceptional talents early on, and thereafter “average” performances were met with concern and suspicion from parents and teachers.”
— David Cain, “Procrastination Is Not Laziness” (via pawneeparksdepartment)


For someone like me, a list of things to do is INCREDIBLY overwhelming. I can't handle it. I've never been a list maker. Occasionally I'd make a list, because it would make me feel like some kind of accomplished grown up, but I would then have to walk away from it because I couldn't handle dealing with it. It was too much.  It takes me a long time to accomplish things because there are usually a number of things that I have to do first in order to get that simple task done, which sends me into a total meltdown.

Like, selling this baby gate I bought 6 years ago for my patio (so I could let my cats out to play) that wasn't wide enough and I lost the receipt for.

Everybody wanted to know how wide it was. So I had to research and track down the brand to find how wide it was OR, rip up my house and tack down my measuring tape.

Then everyone wanted pictures... Well, to take pictures I have to remember to photograph it during the day. I have chronic insomnia and am always forgetful so several YEARS pass and I keep forgetting to take a picture of it. And for me, I can't take a picture on my phone because there is no way to get the picture from the phone to the computer. (Or there wasn't until a couple weeks ago.) So I had to haul out the pro camera, etc. But that also means I had to clean the gate before I could photograph it. And oh yeah, clean a space to photograph it. Have you ever seen "Hoarders"? Yeah, that's what my house has looked like since Matt. So I either need to remember to take it outside during the day to shoot it, or clean my house so I can shoot it inside.

SIX YEARS LATER...

This is the story of my life!

Lately I have been very slowly getting things done. If I am focusing on that, that means I'm neglecting other stuff, because I can only do one thing at a time, but I have to take care of this stuff! So here are some things I've gotten done (just like a big girl!) and I am so proud!

I took care of the STUPID FREAKING BABY GATE and sold it for $10 on Craig's List. That was even my asking price, so WHEWWWW!

I listed my Barbri (Bar Prep) books for the CA State Bar, and other law school prep books, and my unused LSAT books on Craig's List but no takers. I even took pictures. Maybe I'll try ebay.

2 years ago I bought a 90 minute massage on Living Social, which I can't use because I can't handle someone touching me at this particular juncture, thanks. After four email exchanges with Living Social which I increasingly became whacked out, they credited me $45. Win for Emily.

Also 2 years ago I bought a Sunday newspaper subscription through Groupon which I also couldn't use. The first three messages they said they couldn't do anything. By the fourth they told me I was actually part of a class action lawsuit and could potentially collect.  Annoying, but might work.

Renewed my car registration online, that wasn't too bad.

Have to go down to city hall tomorrow to renew my business license. It's almost 2 months late. They make you do your taxes before you can renew the license so this always throws me for a loop! Taxes aren't due until April and you want me, ME(!!!) to finish in December?! Are you NUTS?! It's only a $15 late fee to finish before March 1st, so I will take it down tomorrow, don't let me forget. I have been working on my taxes for almost three freaking months, I think I've figured it mostly out. Ugh.

I have to physically go to the DMV and renew my driver's license and get my picture taken. (Haven't done that since I was 15.) I have figured out which of the 5 DMV's by me I'm going to go for the shortest line, I just need to schedule the appointment... But I got part of that done! I know where I'm going!

I'm trying to slowly put my house in order to move. So while it's still a disaster area, I'm maintaining it just at THIS level of disaster and trying to not let it cross over to the level that's worse than this. And then I got my bathtub semi-clean (win), AND, this is exciting, after a year of asking questions, I am starting to sort clothes for donations. So I have a garbage bag in my room night now and I am getting rid of clothes. WHEWHOOOO!

I had a client meeting today, and I brought some of my spare magazines, slapped a logo sticker on them and gave them to her. That's two spare bridal magazines out of my house. Win.

I sorted through the 100's of magazines that have to be in my house, and brought some of them to my therapist's office and got rid of some of them that way. I somehow got on some magical magazine list where I have like three magazine subscriptions that I didn't pay for and I am receiving for free. LIke a year ago I got a postcard in the mail that said this was going to happen, but I thought it was junk mail and threw it away... Uh, guess it was real. I have no idea why they are giving it to me. Among the freebies though is Latina Cosmo though, and given that I am Caucasian, I don't know what to do with that and feel like I am, like, nosing into something I'm not supposed to be reading when I get it. So I brought all of those to her office instead. Oh, and US Weekly! Which comes weekly. (And I also got for free.) It's fun to read, and I hate to throw it away, but WOW does it generate a lot of trash in my house.

And then I have a friend who is working really hard and dropping lots of weight, so I gathered up the health magazines (that I pay for) and have read too many times to count and gave those to her, so I hope she likes those.  I still have about 50,000 more magazines, but I didn't want to overwhelm anyone with too many at once, but I got some of them out!

I also took some time and emptied 70% of the backseat of my car! How about that! I also found about $50 or more in Suzy's Zoo stickers that I had bought for Matt (to put on letters I wrote him when he was "away" [but wasn't really, I just didn't know that]). I split them with a teacher friend and gave her most of them and just kept at least one of each for myself, and some extras of the cute ones. My next goal is to go through my scrapbooking supplies again and give her more of those because when I tried to give her those last time, I whimped out and only gave her a little of what I had and I could have given her way more. I guess I just wasn't ready. I just kept thinking about how much money I had spent on all of it. (Sigh.)

I'm working on my freezer of all things too. I have successfully kicked the fastfood habit that was draining my back account. So I was grocery shopping a lot instead, which saved money, but I was still hitting the grocery store at least once a week, sometimes twice a week. So both last week and this week when I ran out of my usual goods, I started digging through my freezer. I pulled out a container of soup I froze about a year ago and ate that last week, and ate another one (expired a year + ago) this week. Yesterday I whipped out some zucchini lasagna I made (zucchini, cottage cheese, homemade pasta sauce, everything from scratch, no pasta) about 3-4 years ago and ate that for dinner. (It was fine, no worries.) Tonight I pulled out some brie in phyllo pastry with apples and some buffalo chicken. The buffalo chicken is probably 2 years old, and the puff pastry I think expired in 2007. (Puffed up just great. Me n' Charlie split it.) Also made an arugula salad. I realized I have to empty this freezer and it will both save me money by eating it and be less wasteful.

I think I'll climb back in my room again tonight and go through some more clothes for the donation bin next!

No Suicide.

 

 

My sister got engaged last fall and it's been... interesting. Planning is in full gear and I don't know. It's just strange adjusting to the idea that she's engaged/getting married. When I think of this sister, I see myself in this moment when I was a teenager:

 

 

I stepped off the school bus, and the bus pulls away. It's fall. The Santa Anas are blowing. It's windy.

These big crunchy brown maple leaves blow right in front of me.

I adjust my back pack and take a couple of steps off the sidewalk and into the street.

There is this huge bang.

Like a car back firing.

I stop. I look all around me, and I don't see anyone. All I can hear is the wind. I can feel it on my skin. Like a blanket it envelopes me.


I take a couple more steps diagonally across the street to my house and I hear it again:

BANG.

I stop.

My whole body just cringes.

It's cold.

I look up the street, looking for the source, but I'm the only one outside. The bus is gone, no one is on the street. The noise seemed like it came from behind the house or from below, but I can't tell where.

I just stand there.

It feels like an eternity.

The wind blows.

The leaves go by.

Finally I lift my feet and walk to the front door.

I push it open and the chimes on the back of the door sing as I slam it shut. I throw my bag down, like I always did, and go about my business.

My sister is in her room, being annoying. As she always was. She was always in there, with the door shut; always mean to me. If she wasn't yelling at me, she was ignoring me. That's all she ever did. Lock me out of the house, punch me in the arm, hide my stuff; that is the story of our entire relationship. There is an 8 year age gap and we have never exactly been close.

I don't think about it again.


Until about ten or twelve years later. When my sister was going through a hard time, trying to start recovering from an addiction. She had gotten into trouble, and this report on her life had been written.

Our whole family had come down to Southern California to support her and we were all at the house, on my dad's back patio passing around this big 50 page report that had been written on her life. My brother says, "Did you read she tried to shoot herself? What was up with that?!" Or something.

My heart stopped cold. "What." It wasn't even a question. I just... knew.

"Yeah, she shot holes in the floor. Are the holes here? Did anyone look for them?" My siblings handed me the report and wandered off to look for the "holes" and left me on the patio in my dad's porch swing, surrounded by my dad's beloved tropical begonia plants. And this... bomb in my hand.

And I started flipping pages. And there it was.

She had gotten a gun. And she didn't know how to use it. And she was going to kill herself. She was done; done with life. She had had a bad relationship with some guy I'd never heard of and she'd decided to shoot herself so she'd gotten a gone from someone, somewhere. But she couldn't figure out how to use it. All she had managed to do was "shoot two holes in the floor of her bedroom floor when she heard her little sister come home from school," and she realized... I realized,

I, Emily at this moment, realized why suicide was a selfish act.

In this report it said she was standing in her bedroom with the gun in her hand, and she had just fired these two rounds into her bedroom floor trying to shoot herself in the head, and she heard me walk through that front door; she heard the chimes sing on the back of our front door, and she realized if she did this, that I would be the one to find her body. And that I would have to deal with that.

And she stopped.

And she put the gun down.

And she walked away.

She was selfless, in that moment.  By choosing not to do it. She protected my childhood by choosing not to do it. By choosing to continue her own suffering, which was so awful, she had only moments before been ready to spray the insides of her cranium all over her bedroom walls- she was instantly paused by that reminder. Emily. Me. A child. I would find her body. She couldn't do it. Because of me. Me. It is the most loving, selfless thing she has ever done for me.

I sat on that patio and I cried, and cried and cried. Because I remembered. I knew that day. I knew that moment. I stood in the street, and I saw the leaves blow by and I heard her fire those shots into the floor. And I am haunted by it. And she has no idea. I never told her. She wasn't there the day we all read the report and we never talked about it. I think it would upset her to talk about it now, but I wish I could.

Every time she emails me about the wedding, this is what I think about.

Standing in the street.

Feeling the wind on my skin.

Listening to my sister shoot a gun into her bedroom floor.

We probably will never be as close as we were that day. But I love her.

I WON!

Okay, so not literally. :) More in a spiritual sense.

I went into this lawsuit with the goals of taking back my power, confronting my abuser, creating a public record, speaking articulately and clearly and I did all of that. I won the day I testified, despite the hiccups. No matter what, he still got his a** dragged into court to explain why he did what he did. TRUE. He may have lied under oath, and perjured himself, and he may be a pedophile, but he has at least experienced some annoyances for the things he has done and not completely gotten away with it. He should be relieved I did not return Judge Judy's bajillion phone calls.

Early last week I called the court to check in because it was 8 weeks last Thursday since I testified and we were supposed to hear after about 3-4 weeks. I left a message for the clerk and told her to please not tell me the result in any messages, but please give me an update. She called back and said that the other clerk was typing it up at that moment and it would go out in the mail that day.

As I do in any moment of crisis, I ran right out and did something drastic to my hair. Since I had just dyed it the week before, I chopped it off and got bangs.

 

I was going for Zooey DesChanel... I felt more like Miss Frummpy, and then a little bit like Samantha Parkington, and then I had a good hair day, and then blah... I'm working on my bang skills.

 

The letter came sometime at the end of the week and I got my hands on it Saturday. I wanted to do something symbolic because I have been wanting to do anything symbolic this whole time. With past therapists we've discussed funerals, balloon releases, letter writing (I've done that many times), burning stuff, plate smashing... But nothing ever happened, or the things that I did do weren't satisfying.  This time I needed something to close the circle. I kidded at first, but it was important. I tried to coordinate a large group, but with so many different schedules it was too hard, and while at one point it could have been like 10 or more people standing out in a field with me and 10+ people on the phone lines there ended up being just four of us, two in person, two on the phone.

 

My friend Angie and I drove out to a friend a few minutes from my house where I have done some work stuff and I set up my little fruit crate I use for baby shoots.

 

 

 

The letter from the court, matches, and THE picture I carried into the house that day and handed to Matt's wife. After she finished shoving it into his face and screaming at him, she handed it back to me, saying she "didn't want it" and I said I didn't want it either, and folded it into fourth's, stuffing it in my pocket. When I got home I threw it on my piano and it's sat there ever since, save for a couple trips to therapy.

 

We called the long distance people on the phone and got started.

 

 

I had played with this idea of burning the picture of Matt and I, or burning Matt's face off and burying me. I repeated this idea to a few friends, but they screeched at me, "DONT BURY YOURSELF!!!!" And I said, "No, no, it's not a bad thing, it's a good thing, there's some metaphor here I can't quite articulate yet, but I know there's something there..." I tried for a whole "rise from the ashes" like Stefano from Days of our Lives, but nobody seemed to believe me. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, so on the way there I was just STRUCK(Or as the Mormons tell me "prompted"- Would that fall under the same usage of the term? I understand the general usage as "guidance," but just wondering if this is the same. Anyway...)

Sometime last spring my friend Nicole was prompted to send me a care package. The idea just occurred to her and she felt I needed it. She sent me some treats and this talk from the LDS General Conference about Forget Me Nots. She included a copy of the talk, and a pretty copy of a quote from the talk, and a package of seeds. From the talk:

You must be compassionate and patient with yourself. 
The people you think are perfect are NOT. (The crowd laughs. lol This is an important point to note for ME given my constant comparisons to the life I believed I was missing out on.)

Some sacrifices are better than others.

Be happy now.

You are loved.
Do not abandon hope.

 

You may at times feel a little like the forget-me-not—insignificant, small, or tiny in comparison with others. I hope (the forget-me-not) will be a symbol of the little things that make your lives joyful and sweet.”

 

Elder Uchtdorf

 

You can watch the talk here as well:

I appreciated the gift at the time (Okay I totally bawled to just be remembered, and it just felt so poignant how forgotten and unimportant I am to my own family and how welcomed I have been by my Utah "family."

But I didn't really get it, until this moment.

I was driving, and this moment, driving to this field, trying to process what was going on, and trying to figure out the burying my picture in this field thing and then I just GOT IT.

I wasn't BURYING myself.

I was PLANTING myself.

I was the forget me not.

I was going to take this picture.

Sever this evil part of my life from me ever more.

And plant this old part of me in the earth to grow into something new.

Because I don't want to be that person anymore.

I miss her, and I don't blame her. It wasn't her fault. She didn't see this coming. She was an innocent.

But I don't ever want to be there again.

So, I would plant her, and let her grow. And she won't be forgotten. But she will grow into something new and beautiful and wonderful.

I got it.

Took me awhile, but I'm slow. Thank you Nicole. I got it.

I talked about the Forget me nots with everyone who was there and on the phone, and then Maren prayed. She prayed for me, and the situation and most importantly she prayed for Sydney and the children. I had felt okay until this point but then I cried. I feel terrible for them. They are trapped. They will probably always be trapped. And they have nothing but my sympathy. They deserve so much more and they don't even know it. Maren called him evil and I had never thought about that like that, but she is right. He is. He is an evil person. You can't fix that. They deserve so much more. I cried for her. Not for me, but for her.

I felt for the longest time that I was robbed of my life. I lost my partner, my home, my children, my entire life.

No.

I got my life back.

I am going to go to graduate school. (Knock on wood.) I am going to move to a new place and start a new life, a new, exciting one. I will meet new people, travel and do exciting things. I will be educated and do fun things.

She will remain trapped. Even he- he has maintained the status quo. Yes, he has a high income, but what is the quality of life in a home filled with violence, hate and lies?

I did not lose my life. They chose to destroy theirs. I am creating a better one.

(That would be me setting his picture on fire, shredding the remnants and burying the remnants in horse shit).

We opened it. I won. No money. That's fine. I knew I wasn't likely to win anyway. I believed in my case, but my lawyer prepped me it was unlikely. And that wasn't my goal. I wanted to protected his victims. I am happy. My dream was to be free. I feel free. If I had received a judgment, we would have been dragged back to court for months for appeals. That's not free.

I am happy.

...Off to plant myself ...

"No matter how dark your days may seem. No matter how insignificant you may feel.... No matter how overshadowed you may think you may be. You have not been forgotten.... You are  loved with an infinite love."

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Dr. Phil Episode

So this Dr. Phil episode is cool for a couple of reasons. This episode is about a guy who cheated on his wife with somewhere between 1-5 nannies. (Up for debate.) I recognized a chick from the dog park in the audience, which is hilarious, since it tapes in LA. The guy is fascinating to me because he is attractive and charming and smiles when he lies and just reminds me SO MUCH of Matt. He also works in either law enforcement or is a firefighter. At first they said he was a firefighter, but then reference him being an L.E.O., so I'm unsure. He's totally disgusting. The stuff he did to the nanny is gross, and who knows what the real story is, but it doesn't really matter, the psychology between him and Matt is the same.

Dr. Phil describes him as: "selfish, didn't care what anybody thought, it was just all about you."

Dr. Phil: What does your therapist say?
Wife: --This is a pattern.

Dr. Phil: THIS IS A PATTERN! That whenever he gets in a bind, then what is often described as consistent with Sociopathic tendencies, they will SAY anything and DO anything in the moment to get back in YOUR good graces. They don't feed bad about what they did, they FEEL BAD THEY GOT CAUGHT. Like I found God. Or I need your help.


Skip to around 56:45 to hear the part I am referencing, but I enjoyed the whole show. Listening to him lie is fascinating.

No, there is no news or updates about the case. It was 7 weeks on Thursday.  I was supposed to hear after 3-4. I gotta call the court and find out what's going on next week.

Honestly, I am feeling so much better. Each day this weight comes off more and more. I feel so much more free. Testifying, turning him in on the possible pedophilia, I just... It was so the right thing. I did what I was supposed to do, and while I will always wish with all my heart that I could pull Sydney and those kids out of this, I can't. My heart will ache for them forever and I hope they can escape that hell some day. I want to get out, and go out and be in public and be social again. I really do. It is very difficult, but I really do. I am back on the anti-anxiety medication, but it is working well and I feel pretty good. I feel fat, granted, but I feel pretty good.

An Unfortunate Discovery

About 10 days after the hearing I was reading an article in Glamour Magazine about love scams/online romance scams. Mostly the article was about people who stole innocent people's pictures and used them on dating profiles, then started an intense relationship with someone online, and then somehow got them to give them money.

This isn't exactly what happened with Matt, but it's similar. Same ballpark.

The article mentioned two support websites to turn to for help if you had been a victim. You could get info on how to spot another scam, and how to have a healthy relationship post-scam, and even look and see if someone you were suspicious about had been previously reported as running scams. It even had a little database searcher.

I wasn't going to look at it, I was just laying in bed trying to sleep. And then suddenly I was overwhelmed.

"Get up and look. You'll find it. He's on there."

And I thought... you are such a paranoid retarded freak. SHUT UP.

"He's on there. Go and look. You have to get up. Get UP."

I swear I slapped both of my hands across my face and groaned and swore but I got up. It was like 2am and I was tired.

I plugged his info into the websites. Nothing came up. (See, Emily, I knew you were a paranoid, retarded freak). But then I saw this other search result. It apparently scans the web for people with that user id.

HELLO VOMITING PILE OF SEARCH RESULTS.

Matt is using a third identity and is claiming to be 18 years old in one, and 25 in another. (He's in his early 30's.)  He also still has an active account with the name I knew him as. All associated with that email he used when we were together.

I was alarmed and freaked out and didn't know how to handle the information. People have been telling me for two years I wasn't the only one he ever did it to, but I never really believed them. (I honestly still think I hallucinated our whole relationship most of the time. It's just too bizarre and insane).

Can you think of  a single, legitimate, above board reason why a 33 year old man would be pretending to be 18?

Let's say he hasn't used this in 3 years. Let's say he stopped after the incident with me.

THAT JUST MEANS HE WAS IMPERSONATING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD, PEOPLE.

These profiles age with the user. That just makes it WORSE.

I posted on Facebook, with my intent to just be, how the heck do I process this information? But I got this overwhelming response of "leave it alone, move on," blah blah blah. All of which was supremely unhelpful  and minimizing of the situation.

Please. Sit down. Think about this. Nice old grandpa who lives next door likes to watch your daughter after school. He's sweet, friendly, Grandma is nice. No problem. Your daughter starts coming home with bruises all over her thighs and is acting secretive.

DO YOU JUST LET THAT GO???

I was not posting on Facebook to request what course of action I should take. I posted for support. I got judgment. As my therapist said, that didn't really help me. It really just pissed me off. And I had posted in a panic at 3am, so way too many people say the post, people who don't even know my situation so I just deleted it.

And then I sat and stewed, as I often do.

I was assaulted as a child.  I would not wish that on anyone. I believe in the laws of this country. I believe in the quote, "If you remain silent in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor." No one spoke up for me when I was a child and was hurt by a bad, bad man. Who is going to speak up now, if not me? What if no one else even knows?

What's one reason why a married 33 year old would be pretending to be 18?

One. Name one legit reason.

There isn't one.

Months ago I posted about how I started shrieking at the computer "HE'S AN ONLINE PREDATOR!" because I came to suspect he met his wife online as well. Well, I'm genuinely suspicious he is. And you want me to turn a blind eye? I freaking think not. Like I could LIVE with myself if he was corresponding with underage girls or boys. I don't even want to think about that. It's a crime. 

Of course, even if it's true, I don't think I could ever believe it, or really acknowledge it in my heart or soul because when I look at him, I see the man he pretended to be. I don't know if I'll ever make that separation. It is very hard to accept the love of your life (to this point in my life) was a fictional character.  I understand his wife to a greater extent than I did. She lives in the land of denial. How could she do anything else? How do you admit you're married to a monster? She has kids. She's surviving. She's also crazy, but I pity her. I wish I could shake her and say, "Don't you know what you're worth?! Don't you know that God loves you? Heavenly Father wants more for you than this! He wants more for your children! Don't you know you're loved?!"

And I don't even believe in God half the time. (But she does and it's a medium she'd relate to.)

(I try, it's a struggle. I'm super analytical. But I recognize religious beliefs provide personal enrichment, so I try.)

So, after stewing a little while longer, I called the Internal Affairs bureau of the CHP.  And I simply asked them, "What should I do?" (BTW, totally did not spazz out on the phone this time talking to the officer. yay me!)

They told me to file a Citizen's Complaint. They said it was the prudent, appropriate thing to do. I clarified about five times.

Then I sat on it for the last couple of weeks. I still didn't really want to do it.

I went to therapy and talked about it, and as I talked about all of my apprehensions, I said, "I just don't know what the right thing to do is." Then I interrupted myself and said, "Of course I do. The right thing to do is to file the complaint. They can't do anything if no one tells them."

This is the right thing to do. I know this is true. I know this is right.

So I wrote it, and then sat on it some more.

Today I went and printed it out, but before I did that, I emailed the investigator who handled the original complaint:

Dear Sgt.

 

You were the investigator on a Citizen's Complaint I filed in June 2011 regarding Matthew L-----------'s use of the identity "Matt T-----." It recently came to my attention that Officer L-------- is using a third identity and is posing as an 18 year old on a social media website. I am very uncomfortable with this information and really want no part of another complaint, but when I called IA downtown and asked them what the right thing to do was, they said I should file another Citizen's Complaint.  I just wanted to ask if you agree with that or have different advice. I am still terrified of L------ and I'm concerned he'd try to claim I was harassing him or something if I filed a second complaint. (That whole bit on the form about the officer being entitled to file civil action is very disconcerting.) But my concern that he may be corresponding with minors, or that he's possibly some kind of an online predator scares me even more. I'm just not sure what to do.

Emily

 

And he responded:

 

Miss -----,

 

It disappoints me greatly to hear these allegations.  Our Internal Affairs Office was correct in directing toward filing another complaint.  Please do not let the required legal wording, located on our form, dissuade you from filing a justified complaint.  Your allegations have many ramifications and if true need to be dealt with.  I have made our Woodland Area's Acting Commander, ----------, aware of your contact and noted concerns.  I will be forwarding your original e-mail (below) to the Woodland Area so they may have it for any possible subsequent file.  If you do not hear from the Woodland Area in the very near future please feel free to contact them directly through the information provided below.

 

Sgt.

 

 

So, with a lot of apprehension, I mailed this yesterday. But the Sgt's comments are re-assuring.

Going to Court, Part 2

Okay, so we left off with me frantically flipping through papers and then not providing everything I had. Hmmmm.

I handed what I thought were all the papers I needed to the bailiff, and he walked them back to Matt and his wife. Who were sitting on the Platintiff's side of the room for some reason. ...He's a cop, he goes to court all the time, and each podium was clearly labeled on each side. ("Plaintiff" on the right, and "Defendant" on the wrong left side.)What is he, slow? Thanks for supporting me and sitting on the Plaintiff's side buddy!

Anyway, he gave him the papers, and they handed the wife's email to me. I only skimmed it to make sure my words hadn't been changed, so it looked okay with this preliminary glance, although it wasn't.

One or two cases went ahead of us, and they were basically time-fillers. both cases were people who only had one party present and needed to reschedule or something. I don't remember.

As soon as we were done playing with the 589,082,749 pages of paperwork we were called up.

I think I said, "Are you freaking KIDDING me?!" I did not want to be first.

Myself, my friend C who served him, my mom, my dad all stood up and were sworn in. On Matt's side, he and his wife were then sworn in.

Then the judge (or referee, he's actually not a judge, but it doesn't really matter) told all of our witnesses to leave. ALL of them. So my parents, C, and his wife didn't hear any of my or Matt's testimony. The only ones who did was my dad's wife, who declined to be sworn in (and wore a face mask, which prompted my friend to ask if she had cancer or something- "What is up with that?!" She had an organ transplant almost 2 years ago and is immune-suppressed so catching a cold could be a huge problem  for her, so she's careful. But I agree she looked like a freak. No judging though, no judging. LOL) My attorney got lost and didn't have her cell, and she made it in about half way through my testimony. She also apparently hopped out in the hall and gave my parents an update, which they all appreciated, and I did too. That was very nice of her and I didn't expect it. I didn't even know she was there though, just my dad's wife, and I was relieved to have not been in there alone.

Anyway, I stood up, walked to the podium with my huge binder, took a huge shaky breath and said, "Good Morning."

Then I started to read this speech. About three sentences in, the Judge interrupted and said he knew I was nervous but he needed me to slow down because he needed to take notes. I took a slower deep breath, repeated my sentence and read the following:

(I would just like to apologize to all of you in advance for not being able to watch this on Judge Judy. I know how you all desperately wished for my moment of reality TV glory. lol)

Good Morning your Honor.

My name is Emily H------ and I was in a relationship with the Defendant from February, 2009 to August 2010.

If you reference the Points & Authorities I filed with my Amended Complaint on October 11th, you can see  my causes of action are Fraud, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, Assault, False Imprisonment, Assault, Battery, and Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress. I have discussed each tort in detail in this document with discussions of my claims.

The Defendant is a California Highway Patrolman, and during our relationship  claimed to work out of the San Francisco and then the Fairfield office of the CHP. During our relationship, he created a false identity for himself, and went by the name Matthew T--------. As a result, I suffered financial damages, which I am suing him for  to restore me to the position I was prior to meeting him.

-Here is our initial point of contact when the Defendant emailed me through an online dating website and identified himself as "Mat in Woodland."
-- If you refer to Attachment ONE in your packet, the first page is an instant messenger conversation  where the Defendant identifies himself as a CHP in San Francisco and that at the time of the conversation, he had been single for 4.5 years. Also attached in Attachment ONE is another instant messenger conversation where he provides his phone number, which is the same number listed in the complaint.
--Here is an email he sent me with the name "Matthew T--------," listed as the sender.
--Here is an instant messenger conversation where he states his name is Matthew T--------.

--If you refer to Page 4 of Attachment FOUR  in your packet, which is the statement written on my behalf by the CHP investigator, the investigating Sergant, W---- C-----, conclusively states that the Defendant, Matthew L-------- and the person I dated, Matthew T-------- are the same person. In Sergant C------'s summary of my statement, he recounts my memory of the Defendant signing credit card receipts under the unauthorized alias, and of meeting the Defendant on-duty, where I clearly recall the Defendant wearing a name tag with the name "T--------" on it. For the record, the Defendant worked at the Fairfield office of the CHP with another officer who was apparently named Matthew T-------- and was likely the source of the Defendant's unauthorized nameplate use. 

I agreed to date the Defendant under the false belief that he was who he claimed to be: A single, never married man named T-------- who very much wanted to get married and have children. In reality he was Matthew L--------, married and with one child already. I looked into the Defendant's background but was unable to find any information which contradicted what he told me. As he was a CHP officer, and I had met with him on-duty, and he presented himself as an honorable, forthright person, I had no reason to suspect otherwise.

 

--Here is a news article I found on a man who was a Officer with the Fairfield Office of the California Highway Patrol. When I asked the Defendant if the man in the article was him, he said yes.

 

On August 3rd, 2010, approximately 17 months into our relationship, I became suspicious that the Defendant had not been honest about something, but I wasn't quite sure what.  He had claimed his father was a superior court judge, but the name he provided for his father was not someone who was listed on the California Bar's website.  I wrote a letter to someone who I believed was a family member of the Defendant's and asked that person if the Defendant had been honest with me. That person, who requested they remain anonymous, informed me that the Defendant's name was not Matthew T--------, but it was actually Matthew L--------, that he had lied about his parent's names, his place of residence, where he attended college, that he had lied and said he was fired from the CHP, but he actually hadn't been, that his house had been foreclosed on and he had moved several hours away, and  that he was married, and had an eighteen month old child, who had been born 10 days before we began dating. I did not know or suspect any of these revelations and the impact was devastating.

--Here is the email exchange between myself and the Defendant's family member. I have redacted the family member's name at their request, but I can provide a clean copy instead if that is necessary.

On the same day I wrote the letter to the family member, I found the address of his actual residence that he shares with his wife and child. The Defendant's wife invited me into her home, and thanked me for being honest with her. She asked me a series of humiliating questions, which I answered as best I could. I was crying, shaking, and near hysterical at points. I was able to tolerate this until the Defendant arrived home, and the two began to rage and scream at each other.  I felt both terrified and threatened as to what would happen and feared I could be hurt. I crouched against a wall, but felt too afraid to just run out.  I knew the Defendant carried a firearm on his person at all times, and given his angry state, I did not know what he was capable of.  I asked the Defendant's wife permission to leave the home, and she consented, however, before I could leave, the Defendant and his wife's confrontation cumulated in the Defendant punching holes in the walls, and smashing a glass framed picture to bits. I ducked to avoid being hit. This is the grounds of my first assault claim.

 

 I then rushed out of the house, asking the Defendant's wife if she was safe or if I could call the police. She declined and began screaming at the Defendant again.

Due to my reliance upon the Defendant's consistent and continual deliberate misrepresentations regarding his identity, I treated him as my partner. We planned to be married, and I had gotten quotes from various wedding vendors prior to my unexpected discovery of his actual identity. Due to my reliance on the Defendant's deceit, I spent an incredible amount of money on the Defendant, with the purchase of gifts, food, gas, scrapbooks, printed photos, christmas gifts, cards, letters, gift cards, and baked goods. I also incurred costs to myself as a result of the fraudulent relationship. At one point the Defendant claimed to have accepted a job as a Special Agent with the federal agency Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and as a show of my support as his wife to be, I purchased a "I love my Special Agent" tshirt, and an ATF sweatshirt. I also purchased a ring to represent our relationship, my support of his new career, and our impending marriage. Additional costs include two cell phone bills which the Defendant was responsible for and  already offered to pay, but which I declined as I believed our relationship was real,  and with additional incidentals arising from highly expensive gas costs and wear and tear on my vehicle as I traveled at some points, daily, to the Fairfield area to meet with the Defendant.

-If you refer to Attachment TWO in your packet, you can see the summarized total of costs incurred during the relationship.
-If you would like an itemized list, I have one available here as well.  

 

As I have discussed the Defendant is liable for actual fraud against me for these intentional misrepresentations of his identity so that he could incur these monetary and physical benefits.  He also committed the torts of IIED and NIED.

The Defendant was fully aware of his true identity throughout our relationship and that he was living a double life. The Defendant made it a point during our relationship to invent a colorful array of personal tragedies to make our relationship more dramatic and emotionally distressing.  He claimed to have been fired from his job, he claimed his house had been foreclosed on, that his dog died, and his father had a stroke and his mother a nervous breakdown. He did these things so I would become upset, and then feel sympathy for him. The Defendant actually did this so much that I had to seek counseling during our relationship to cope with the things he was telling me.  He purposely and with intent engaged in this outrageous and offensive behavior throughout our relationship in order to cause me emotional distress.  

Arising out of the Fraud and my discovery of his double life a lengthy 17 months into our relationship, I suffered an incredible amount of mental distress. I became agoraphobic, afraid to leave my home, and was admitted into a daily outpatient psychiatric care facility to deal with the shock. I was unable to eat, bathe or get out of bed unless absolutely required. I became terrified of men, sirens, uniforms and police. I suffered hyperventilating panic attacks in grocery stores, at work,  in restaurants, and airports. After being pulled over by another CHP officer, I became so terrified and inconsolable, the officer insisted on calling an ambulance, which I had to refuse because I knew I would be more disturbed by the presence of more men in uniforms. Thinking I had seen the Defendant on the street the week of my discovery, I got into a car accident, and then spent an hour on the side of the rode hysterically crying while the driver of the other car tried to assure me that what the Defendant did was not my fault and that I would get better.  The next day, due to a fear for my safety because I was so afraid of the Defendant, I stayed with a friend, and was so upset and distracted, broke my foot.  Over the last 28 months, I have attended at least twice weekly therapy, and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depression and Anxiety and Panic Disorder as a direct result of the defendant's actions.  As a member of law enforcement, the Defendant took a vow to protect the public and uphold ethical standards in his professional and personal life.  He violated these standards when he without cause and for his own personal entertainment, procured an unauthorized law enforcement stop on me when at the time I was unaware that it was my boyfriend pulling me over. When I included these incidents in my citizen's complaint to the CHP, they conclusively found that the Defendant had misused his position and misidentified himself.  As he is a peace officer, he owes a duty to the public, and as I am a member of the public he owed that duty to me.  When he committed these actions, he not only intentionally caused me emotional distress, but his careless and reckless disregard for my well being  negligently inflicted distress as well.   Therefore, I believe he is additionally liable for NIED.

 

--You can review the conclusions made by the CHP in Attachment  SIX of your packet.

--You can refer to Attachment THREE, which includes letters from two separate therapists who have treated me. I redacted my personal information from the letters, but I have a clean copy if you require one.

--My medical expenses to date have been summarized in Attachment TWO through the date of filing, October 9th. 

--I have a detailed graph which itemizes each visit to the doctor or therapist.  I also have a second version which details my expenses through this week.

Also during our relationship, while the Defendant was a guest in my home, he attacked me and forcibly applied a set of professional handcuffs to my wrist. This is the grounds for my cause of action related to Battery, Assault and False Imprisonment. This was done without my consent, and scared me horribly when it happened. I demanded he remove them, and he refused. The handcuffs were locked with a key, and my wrist was too big for me to be able to simply pull them off. I tried a variety of negotiating tactics to get the Defendant to remove the handcuff, but he refused. We argued for a period of  approximately twenty minutes followed by him, forcing me to involuntarily accompany him to a local restaurant, where he again refused to remove the handcuffs unless I went with him inside, which after more failed negotiations, I did. When we returned home he finally removed the handcuffs with his key. This incident lasted an hour or so.

In light of these factors he is liable for Battery, Assault and False Imprisonment.

 

As I discussed all of the causes of actions Your Honor do you have any questions for me?

 

 

The judge then turned to Matt, and asked him to "Go ahead" or "do you have anything to say," or something like that. He did not have a speech prepared, and sort of rambled. He did not speak as long as I did. (I think I spoke about 20 minutes. I had rehearsed it at about 11 minutes, rushing, but when the judge told me to slow down, I slowed WAY down.)  Matt spoke maybe 5-7 minutes.

*He openly admitted to the relationship, but he called it an "extra-marital affair."

* He openly admitted he lied to me about his name/identity, and that he had never told me his real name.

*He openly admitted that we had talked about marriage and children, but very loudly clarified that we did not have a date set for our wedding, and that he had only ever said "someday."  (???)

 

He used the email I sent his wife to claim our relationship ended in October, 2009. This is not true. Our relationship ended the day of discovery when he sent me a text message saying he "didn't want a wife or a girlfriend right now." At the time he didn't know I knew he had both. I had put in an order for 30 yards of white silk from Joann's from my wedding dress and had been talking to my friend about her mom helping us make a pattern so we could design my dress from scratch. I had gotten quotes from two photographer's, Ravenberg, and the Sloan's. I had also contacted a videographer.

Suuuure, we weren't together at all.

 

I was really upset when I wrote about this last time because I was afraid that by me not providing the evidence that we were together through August 2010 I harmed my chances of being about to win for Fraud. I went out to dinner with my attorney a few days after the hearing (yay me! I went out!)  and I realized that I was okay with losing based on legal merit. If I lost because I had no legal standing for my case, that was okay. But if I lost because I was unprepared for court, I could not handle it. That's why I freaked out.

Anyway, through our talking we both remembered/realized the statute of limitations on fraud is three years, not two. So even if Matt successfully convinced the judge our relationship ended almost a whole year earlier, it didn't matter. I stilled filed within the three year deadline, AND fraud is calculated based on the date of discovery anyway.

 

Matt also argued this was a he said-she said. I thought this was stupid. I had paper evidence and through all my anxiety and upset I still almost rolled my eyes when he said this.

 

Matt flat our denied the handcuffing incident. I was shocked. I am still shocked. He also claimed the CHP backed him up that this never happened. (Not  true, CHP said they couldn't discipline him for it because it happened off-duty. They also called him "boorish" in relation to that incident.) He flat our perjured himself. THAT HAPPENED. He handcuffed me. I am not dreaming that up. Under oath, he lied. He flat out lied. But it wasn't until that moment I realized I had no proof it happened. But I swear on a stack of Bibles, that man tackled me, handcuffed me and took me to PIZZA HUT. My wrist was locked with a key and I could not get it off. He did not take it off until we got home. We never mentioned it again and I pretended it didn't happen.

In reference to this, Matt said I was being creative or exaggerating--- neither of those words are right, but he used a pretty phrase that basically called me a liar. Which I didn't realize until I left court, which made me a little angry. Who are you calling a liar?!

 

This post is long enough. Next time!