Happy Birthday to Me!

My 31st birthday was on Monday of last week. I spent it mostly alone, as usual. My birthday always gets me down because I never get to celebrate how I'd like to.

I'd like to spend a nice day alone with my partner doing fun things and having a special meal. That's my dream birthday.

But I'm single. And no one is ever free on my actual birth-day which to me is the most important part. The friends I do have in town were out of town for spring break. 

I also hate always having to plan and coordinate things. I want someone to know what I like and just do it. Last year was pretty good. My friend made me an amazing 30 layer rainbow cake and took me cheese and wine tasting. It was basically perfect. Except it wasn't on my birthday so I was left to reflect on how alone I felt again. Even though it was wonderful, I wanted to avoid those feelings.

This year I knew I'd be alone so I tried to think about what I'd enjoy doing.

I took myself to the $1.50 theatre and saw "Delivery Man," with Vince Vaughn which was great and felt fitting given my age and childlessness. I had fun. I almost had the theatre to myself (1130am on a Monday) but not quite!

After that I ran up Mount Pisgah with Charlie Brown. I CUT MY TIME in HALF! I hiked it last fall and it look forever. Like 2 hours. I was down and back in under an hour this time and ran parts of it! Charlie was so tired HE needed breaks instead of me! That was awesome.

At the last minute I decided I was going to go to my friends boyfriend's birthday party. Yes, I went to someone else's birthday on my birthday. There was live music and it was fun.

(What I wore to Mariah & Jeremy's!mustard  tights!). 

My mom also mailed me a birthday cake. I loved that!!!

Lastly, Charlie ripped up my flower bed so my dog basically gave me a bouquet of tulips! Then my mom sent me a bouquet of daffodils! That was fun too!!!

Winter Term Grades & Dating

Lets start with the fun stuff (obviously NOT school): Dating. Or, "date," singular. I went out with Alex about 10 days ago. It was great, I rapidly developed this HUGE out of control crush on him (due to lack of activity in this area of my life over the last few years, I'm sure) and with a few bouts of doubt, finally accepted he's just not interested and I have no idea if he ever was.

I got all emotional earlier today and my one guy friend (Vince, from HS) called and let me bawl on the phone with him for about an hour about how no one wants me and that I'm unlovable and only attract losers. (Vince was very gracious [or too dumb] to realize the loser label would have included him, but he said nothing. Probably a wise choice given my whining.).  I'm still a dweller, so it'll probably take awhile (few days... Or years... Y'all know me by now) to block out his name and this super embarrassing fantasy I know you all know I invented in my head about it. But, this is the difference between three years ago and now. I don't know if I'll be in a relationship again, but I know I'll get over this and be fine. I'm mostly embarrassed,definitely rejected and a little hurt. It'll be okay, though. This I know.

Meanwhile to save face I am back pedaling into friendship mode. I still enjoy the guys company, think he's interesting and who knows, maybe he'll introduce me to my next best friend, a work associate, or maybe even someone who DOES want to date me. So... Deep breaths. I'm rusty, but that's okay. 

Next, grades and end of term. Finals were hell. I wrote over 80 pages of finals, six different papers including 4 research papers. Pure hell. One teacher told me I was an incompetent writer and needed serious help from the undergraduate writing center. Super upsetting experience- to the point I'm embarrassed to see her or work with her again.

Another paper I killed myself over and LOVED writing I got a B on. A "B"?! That's basically flunking in a grad program and is my lowest grade in this entire program. I was pissed at myself and wished I could have re-done it. Still considering it. I was pretty panicked that even though I had A's on the other assignments that I wouldn't be able to save myself from the dreaded B grade. As someone who flunked law school with C's and had a 2.8 undergrad average, grades are important to me now. 

Waiting for grades was a very anxiety provoking experience, but now that they are posted,  I'll let you check them out for yourself! 

Not so bad right? Who knew they gave A+'s in grad school?!

Like Ripping Off a Bandaid (First Date)

I did it! I went on my first date in 3.5 years. Can you believe it?! August 3rd, 2010 was the date of my discovery of Matt's tangled web, and it has taken me all of this time to find my way back to some kind of normalcy, but I think it's going well!

After I wrote that last post about being stood up, I very quickly heard from my date, who, had overslept and apologized profusely, and pretty much begged to let him take me out. He asked me out for every day this weekend, and after being promised a pony, a magical carriage, and the balance of his trust fund, I agreed. :)

We went for coffee, which quickly morphed into full breakfast, but we only hung out for about an hour. I feel like I talked way too much, and revealed too much about myself- blabbered on- like I am so inclined to do- but he did talk a decent amount, I think he's funny and I do like him. We have lots of silly personality things in common, like being disorganized and easily distract-able and having messy school desks as children. (I actually snorted coffee out my nose as he mirrored his childhood experiences with mine about that!) I think he's cute, and more importantly, honest and respectful and just very genuine. I had a very nice time, and as anxious as I was about it, I think I handled it well!

Frankly I have no idea of what his interest is, because he did say he needed to go to school and cut it off pretty cleanly at the hour mark. He's in law school, so that is very possible and could have just been an honest answer. It could also be though that he just wasn't interested, felt guilty about standing me up and fulfilled an obligation. I have no idea. He said he'd get in touch or something like that when we left, but he did hug me goodbye and shouted a joke to me as he went by on the street.

It was very nice. I feel good. :)

Run to Get Lucky 5k Race Report (#3 of 14)

Race #3 of our 14 in 2014 Race Series. Time: 44:00

 

Sarah, Mitch (her boyfriend/my classmate) and I did a race in Corvallis on March 15th. This was the first race Sarah and I did together and my third race of the year! Mitch did the 15k, Sarah and I did the 5.

I had a horrible race here too. I started having bad calf pain and had to stop and walk alot. It was disappointing. But, it was a fun race, we got a free commemorative pint glass and a tech shirt and went to Panera afterwards!

After this race we also decided to start cross training and started hiking Mount Pisgah (3-4 miles round trip with a 1,000+ foot elevation climb.) regularly which I really think made a difference for our next race which was at the end of April!

First Date

Don't get too excited, as this didn't really go how I planned. But a couple three weeks ago I asked a guy out on a date for coffee. (Otherwise known as a "coffee thing.")

We met during a styled photo shoot I had  designed recreationally for work and was one of the "models," who were actually all friends or acquaintances and students at the law school I'm doing my graduate work at.

He was pretty scruffy looking when I saw his pictures and when we first met in person, but he immediately stuck me as just being so kind and genuine. A lot of the qualities I mentioned in my last post about my guy friend at school-  this man clearly possessed also and it struck me. I waited for an opening and emailed him an invite for coffee. Because he is a law student, his time is over-scheduled, and while he responded enthusiastically, it's taken us three weeks to find a date and time.

I had become increasingly anxious because this would be the first time I've gone out with anyone since Matt. I'm rusty, and was never really good at this anyway. I fretted over clothes, dodged him on campus and just totally psyched myself out. 

I did do it though, and showed up (just a couple minutes late! ...ok, 7 minutes late;)  at the cute little espresso house he suggested across town.

And I waited... And waited... And waited.

I have now been sitting here for over an hour, alone, feeling a mixture of relief and extreme sadness. 

I was really looking forward to, and was excited about, getting back to normal. That the universe was going to show me that men are not all bad, and can be kind and gentle and loving and treat people well.

I feel kind of stupid now. It's probably something silly, like he forgot or something came unexpectedly. It happens. I understand. And it's forgivable. 

I just feel very... Alone. And unimportant. Left behind. Lonely. Not special. Rejected. And that my life is not ever going to change. I have done the work here, and I will continue to do it. But I am disappointed that its still not my time yet, and fearful, just a bit, that it never will be. 

Runs for Cookies Virtual 5k Race Report (#2 of 14)

Race #2 of our 14 in 2014 Race Series. Time: 50:53

Today was Runs for Cookies virtual 5k race! Because I am a HUGE nerd, I ordered myself a t shirt off Vista print from the design Katie did on the blog. :)

I set a time goal of 45:00 minutes and sadly I missed it by alot.

I'm still having loads of trouble with my Garmin vs. iPhone app mileage calculations, I am super unsure of my times but I'm pretty confidant now that the iPhone is definitely wrong. 

To help out the Garmin pick up the starting signal (it takes close to 3 minutes to find satellites...) I walked .25 to the corner to the top of the wetlands levee trail for a starting point. From what I can see of the online map for the Garmin, it looks like it picked up my accurate starting point this time so yay!

While I did not beat my PR from the CloCow 5k race (which was my first and super hilly), I did reach an amazing achievement - I ran a straight mile without stopping!!!!

Since I started walking/running in August, I've never been able to do that! I ran it in 14:54, which I'll bet is more accurate than my running app (which claimed I did it in around 9:50! No way!) but either way, all technological devices concurrent- I ran that first mile FO SHO!

I had originally intended on ditching Charlie and running on a treadmill in our complex gym or the school's rec center, but I felt guilty so we ran the neighborhoods and quite a bit on a local logging trail. I tried really hard to stay on the flats to help my time and we did pretty good. Charlie only misbehaved a little bit ( ok, a lot, but he was good for long stretches of time and then would have a breakdown, which was more  manageable than just freaking out the whole time. )

My official time, per Garmin is 50:53, although my phone claimed I did it in the neighborhood of 35:00. Since I run on trails, I can't check it with my car or anything, so I'm just going to make an executive decision and say the Garmin is most accurate. 

I am immensely proud of doing that first mile- the whole time I kept chanting in my head, "sustainable pace!!!"  I ran much more continuously overall than I have been and I am definitely  relieved to have made it over this hump when I kept pooping out without going very far. I believe moreso now that I'm really gonna be able to do this! I am absolutely making it a personal goal to start intervereling on the treadmill. That has to be accurate, so I gotta try and get a sense of if the Garmin is really right. 

When I got home I took a hot shower and made a cup of hot chocolate mint tea- it feels great! I'm so proud!

Here are my two maps, the first is my total distance according to my phone and the second according to my Garmin. (There's a time discrepancy because I stopped the Garmin to discipline Charlie on the way home but the trails walked SHOULD be identical. (Which they don't reflect, of course...)

 

Fascinating how the iPhone thinks I ran almost 7 miles, and the Garmin says not even 4 miles!!! This sucks!