I guess I better update!

Things with Matt have flip flopped again!!

I talked to him about everything last Saturday and he was upset at first and jumped to the wrong conclusion, but by the end he somehow got the point. The very next day he started saying good morning to me again, which I love, and he has even been able to call a few times. turns out he is unhappy at work. The next youngest guy on staff has been a cop for 15 years. Matt is 29. The guy next closest in age to him is at least 40. This is an issue. Especially since he is new, he has to work a day shift the first month to learn the area. This means that some guy who has had that shift for 20 years just got put on a swing shift and is MAD!!!!! Everyone is shunning him and treating him badly. They even have an acrnoym for it.... I will edit it for you but it is something like Pooping New Guy. But the first word actually starts with an "F". Matt is really religious and conservative and he is NOT happy about his new "nickname". I am also concered about his safety as they are not teaming up with him like they should. This has created alot of stress and discontent for him.

So, that explains some of it. And once he started calling he did mention it. I know he is very unhappy at work. Which makes me really sad because he LOVES his job, and always has. He has not had this happen before, so it is very, very unfortunate.

We talked all last week, and then on thursday he was able to com efor a visit. YAY! His first visit!!! :)

He had court at 130pm, had to leave my area by 11am, but couldn't start the drive to Sacramento until 8am when he called the court. He planned to be here from 10am-11am. A short visit, but a visit is a visit, so WHEWHOO! If he didn't have court, he would have to go on his regualar shift at 10am, so I was really hoping he had court.

I set the alarm for 8am to check in and see if he was coming, and then get up and clean some if he was, or go back to bed if he wasn't.

I texted him, "So do you have court? Are you coming?" He texted me back "I'll be there in15 minutes" AHHHHHH!

Apparently he wanted to see me so bad that he just decided to assume that he was going to get called in to court and just left at 63oam to come see me so we could have some extra time together!

YAY!

We had a great time and laughed alot. I love him so much and I know he loves me so much. It felt really good to have some fun time without any stress or drama going on. It has been a long time for us! I got him for 3.5 hours and it was great! I can't wait to see him again! He has been good since then and I have heard from him everyday. Mostly he has said good morning to me everyday, but I got a few I miss you's instead too. :)

So let's hope it will be smooth sailing for awhile! We need the break!

Next, I have so far submitted 8 applications to the state, all for a "staff services analyst" job with job duties that are different for each department.

So ar I sent applications to

Department of child support services
families first, dept of child and family services
California Highway patrol ( I could work for the chp like Matt!!! But I would be at the academy, but still, maybe I won't get anymore tickets now! lol)
dept of consumer afairs, pschology division--- 2 apps went here
cal trans

I can't remember the other two..hmmm

anyway, cross your fingers for me!!

My friend Michelle and I are going to a 9am showing of the new harry potter movie, and lunch aterwards, so I am hoping to have good fun tomorrow!

I also pulled a bunch of money out of my savings ( which I hated doing :( ) and paid off my credit card. But then I charged groceries, so now I owe $75, but that is a small amount.

More bad news, I got my first ever complaint from a client about pictures. Sadly it turned out that they were lying because they couldn't afford to pay me their finaly payment and asked to be released from their contract. So, I don't have a wedding on August 8th anymore. But that does mean I have a weekend free!

Another bad thing, another bride took a funny email I sent her the wrong way and is writing bad things baout me online, but acting like everything is fine when she talks to me directly. I don't know what to do about that, but it is very upsetting. They are also having money issues and are using this as some kind of excuse... ugh.

I cannot wait to escape my job!

A good thing was the wedding I did last weekend was in san franciso and was great!

I also went and saw that sandra bulluck movie- the proposal- by myself last week. I was all upset so I needed a break so I just went and I felt better. Yay for emily for taking care of herself!


Now we just need to get me to stop eating and go back to the gym before I start gaining weight!!

What next?

......Deep Sigh.......

Emily is NOT having a good day. I am not feeling well, I am feeling very bad actually. And by "feeling" I mean emotionally, not physically. :(

Matt left Tuesday afternoon and everything was great. He messaged me the whole way up to Redding. But the second he got there, he stopped answering my messages.

...Ok, so he is having dinner with his parents, and getting settled.... that's fine. No biggie.

All day Wednesday, nothing. I shoot him a message early that evening, and he says he's been asleep all day and is going back to bed again. Ok......

Thursday.... nothing all day. Nothing. It's his first day of work too, so I know he has to be up at some point, and when he was here on Tuesday, he said he would be more able to talk to me on shift because he would have a signal in places on the highway. (No signal at his parent's.) At 10pm or 11pm, maybe it wasn't even until midnight, I messaged him and he sent me two messages back, then nothing. No goodbye, no goodnight, nothing.

It's is now 8:30pm on Friday, and so far today? Nothing.

I realize he is settling in. I recognize it is probably a little freaky starting out at a new office, and you're the lowest on the totem pole. I am sure his parents are very distracting.

But the last 3 weeks have been pure hell for me. Yes, I know they have been bad for him too, and yes I feel bad about it. But now he is up there, and he has committed to being with me, and I need him to go back to the normal "I"m a fantastic Boyfriend" Matt. I feel very insecure, very neglected, and am now totally questioning whether I should be doing this. I don't want to be on a constant emotional roller coaster with him. I can't take it. It is really taking a toll on my depression stuff and at this point I feel like my medication is not even working. I am sure it is... but the fact I feel SO bad, and SO low despite being on really high doses of anti-depressants, that it is really a testament to how much this has stressed and upset me.

I need reassurance, I need to feel loved, and I need that security that has been lacking the last few weeks. this week has been a total emotional rollercoaster and I don't know what to do about it.

He is supposed to be back here on Sunday or something, but he hasn't told me his plans or anything, and i didn't have a chance to ask him since he keeps stopping sending me messages while we are texting before I can ask, and I don't even bother calling because the connection is SO bad.

I am really tired of this. I feel awful. I do love him, and I think he is a GREAT match for me, and I can really see us building a life together... BUT I am just exausted and I really need somebody to take care of ME for awhile.

:(

I got so upset earlier this afternoon I just got in bed and laid there for a long time, and then realized this really wasn't very healthy so I got up and went to the movies by myself. It was hard to relax but it was a good break. I saw "The Proposal". It's was cute. I dunno if I would buy it, but I would definetly watch it if it was on tv. Then I wandered around Target teary eyed.

I am so tired.

Going to my aunt & Uncle's for the 4th... I am bringing some reese's brownies and I am going to make a flag cake (the one with the strawberry stripes and blueberry star part. I haven't started either yet. But I don't have to be over there until around 4pm tomorrow so I have time.

Drama up the Wazoo...

The last few weeks have been SOOOOOO POOPY. :(

But it's getting better!

Finally, finally, FINALLY after over 2 weeks without seeing him, and 3 weeks since spending actual time together, Matt and I sat down together on Monday at my house. At first things were chatty and fine. Then we started talking about things and BOY WAS THAT BAD.

Basically, rather than openly discuss stuf and come up with a mutually agreeable plan, Matt was like, no, I'm not doing this. I love you and I care about you but I hate long distance relationships and I'm not doing it. My feelings are black and white, and they are fact, LDR's do not work. If we had been together a long time, like a couple o years, or lived together, that would be different and I would be willing to put in the effort, but I still wouldn't like it, but we've only been together a few months and still don't know each other well and I am not willing to put in the effort.

So I am stating all of the logical argument back, but at some point I realize his mind is so closed off he can't even physiclly listen to me because over the last two weeks o obsessing about this- and talking to NO ONE about it, he is really hardcore in his descion and I never had a chance, period. (Which is what I suspected anyway, but I did not expect him to be so hard lined.) He sat there most of the time with his arms folder across his chest (defensive and closed off) and not looking at me.

He also told me that he could buy a house up there for the same price of renting and he was probably going to do that, and then either he would sell the house here, or when the market turned around, sell the house there for a profit. He said it wold probably take like 8 months to find a house and buy it. I think this is a dumb idea. Why make a HUGE financial committment when you are already complaining about not having enough money AND you want this move to be a temporary thing?

I made him look at me when I was crying and his eyes were ALL glossy and I knew he was trying not to cry too. He wasn't trying to be mean, but he was really upset too. After I accepted what he was saying, I calmed down a little and I told him, well I want you to come in my room and lay down with me and snuggle.

He looked at me like I was nuts and was like, that would make it WAY worse, I am not doing tat, that is too hard and I feel too uncomfortable. We went back and forth about it for at least 20 minutes, and i even stood up and pulled on his hands some.

He kept saying he was a jerk and that I would never talk to him again and that he didn't blame me if I hated him, because he hated himself. I said, I am not like that. that is not who i am.

Then I told him that if he was going to leave me, and break my heart, that he owed it to me to do this one thing for me- snuggle me until it was time to go. That there is HUGE difference between two people loving each other and the timing being off, versus something rejecting you completely and not wanting to touch you and leaving forever all tense and wound up. I told him he was being selfish, and if he didn't do it, he was being a jerk. That if he was going to do this to me, that he needed to put my needs first above his and make me the priority right now, because he was doing this to ME. He didn't move and he just sat there for a long time and I finally just sat down next to him and didn't know what to do. He asked me what I was thinking and I said something like, I can't believe I'm never going to see you again or something. And then he was quiet for a even longer time and then he said that he had to come back into town for court next week and maybe we could get coffee. I said sure. Then he said, well if it isn't totally awkward. And I said... well, it's only going to be awkward if you MAKE it awkward, because I wouldn't make it like that and i wouldn't act like that, regardless of how you hurt me. Then he said again, I really hope it's not awkward. (lol acknowledging it would all be him doing it)

Then he said maybe I could stop on my way to this wedding in August through his new town and say HI. I said sure. Then he said, well there is the phone too, you can always call and stuff. I said sure. And then I said well it would be really hard not to send the flirty or mushy messages to him. He was quiet for a long time (AGAIN) and then almost whispered he could lay down for an hour or so. I told him thank you and we went and laid down.

We were not in there for more than 5 minutes before he was trying to smother me under a pillow, or burp pn me (eewww) or a hundred other ridiculous, silly things that couples do. We were laughing and talking about something and he stopped all of a sudden and said he felt thought he knew how he felt and now he wasn't sure. He felt confused. He said, out there, I was very finite and firm on my feelings, and the second I laid down here next to you I am totally overwlemed by my feelings and... and then he hugged me and said he loved me. He said that alot. And he kept looking at my face and looking me in the eye... He kissed me too. (when we were on the couch and I tried to kiss him he turned away)

He asked me about this gift I got him that I had been teasing him about. I told him I got him a 25 cent present, and he asked me what it was. I said it was silly and stupid, but he made me tell him. I printed him that black and white picture of me I put on facebook so he could have a picture o me if we stayed together. He asked if he could still have it and I said of course, he could pick whatever one he wanted, and then he said could he have more than one and I said he could have as many as he wanted. (I took those pictures just for him, for that purpose and got a bunch of different ones printed.)

Then he told me there was something else he hadn't told me... about an hour or two before he came over, they offered him an overtime shift from midnight to 5am. He has just canceled a 12 hour overtime shift earlier in the day because he promised he wouldn't sign up for overtime and then forgot and did it anyway. He said he had thought he would come over here, tell me what he thought and I would ask him to leave. So he figured it wouldn't matter and he would need to get his mind off things anyway, and so he took it. And he told me he didn't want to leave, but he would have to in awhile. Then he asked if he could visit me the next day. I hesitated (because I had no idea where this was going) but I said ok. So we just cuddled and talked and stuff until he had to go. (Ok, we might have made out a little too, but I am not admitting to ANYTHING!)

The next day (tuesday) he came over and it was a total 180 from him. He was happy, friendly, affectionate, told me he loved me openly and held me, everything. He said he could only stay a little bit and I fed him the tirimisu I had made him the day before, which he had not eaten because of the chaos/drama, and I packed up the reese's brownies I made him, and he took a picture of me. We were talking about something and I said well "IF" we do X again, and he interupeted me and said no, WHEN we do X again. And I looked at him, and I was like, well you didn't say you wanted to, so I figured we still weren't going to stay together (I told Kristin I would bet #1, he wouldn't show up at all Tuesday, #2 that he would come but we would still break up, and that if we stayed together i would be totally SHOCKED). He said there was no way he would have been like that with me the night before if he wasn't going to stay with me. I hugged him and I asked him if he was really going to try and he said he doesn't do things half way. It is all or nothing.

So we are doing it! We are staying together! talk about a dramatic story though, eh?

Then he told me, his parents/family is very hectic and chaotic and stressful-stress-case freaking out type people and to give them a month to get used to it and then I could start sending him things and visiting. But to hold off until then. He said he has 4 court dates this month (July) that he will have to come back here for so he will see me alot. He asked if he could stay with me since he doesn't live here now and I said sure, and he is coming back on Sunday (hopefully) for the first court date on Monday. He said I could come visit up there, but I wouldn't be able to sleep in the couch at his parents or anything like that, they wouldn't approve. (This seems weird to me, because it is not like we would even be in the same room, and even if they are very strict and proper, I don't get not even offering up the couch to someone who drove 3 hours to visit, especially since they like me and approve of me....) So when I go up I will have to stay in a hotel until Matt gets his own place.

I talked to him about the buying a house thing and I said I did not think it would be wise to act like he is staying there permanetly by buying a house if he did not plan on staying there. If he acts like it's permanet, it's going to be permanet. And he agreed and said he would not buy a house, or start looking. I said at least wait 6 months (the shortest amount of time before he could transfer back) and if things look ugly, then he could start looking. but as for now, if he wants this to be temporary, he needs to act like it. He agreed.

So he took all of his goodies- pictures, brownies, cookies, and left for his parents so he could be there in time for dinner, and he texted me after about 20 minutes and said he missed his girlfriend, and I thought that was cute, and he told me he loved me.

So that is where we are at! I am feeling better, and I am "cautiously happy." I want to be happy and enthusiastic and YAY everything is fine, but this was frankly, traumatic for me and it was a breach of trust. I also think he is dumb (as are most men) in that he could not reocgnize the fact that he felt distant from me because WE HADN'T SPENT ANY TIME TOGETHER IN 3 WEEKS!!! And that OF COURSE when we did somehting that was bonding- like snuggling, all of his feelings for me would feel fresh and renewed. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I really had no expectations when we started cuddling, it was just my way of saying goodbye, but that changed everything for him.

I am happy, but you know... a little uneasy. I want to see him be dedicated to this before I can allow myself to believe it. I don't want to have blind faith if I am going to get hurt. But, as of now, he is acting like that wonderful, awesome, loving guy that he was before.

We took pictures before he left too. He hates having his picture taken and thinks he is ugly, but he did not argue at all when I asked, and when I sent them to him he said that he loved them. :)

GROOOOOOAAAAN!

Groan!

So Matt wasn't able to come over on Wednesday to talk. One of his co-workers sons, who is 15, was killed in a car crash on Wednesday morning. So awful. Matt was called into work to cover because a total of three guys, including the dad went home because they were so upset over the whole thing. Matt said his co-workers are like his family, and it hurts everybody to have something like that happen. :(

So. Haven't seen him. Haven't had the actual "talk" with him about anything, I have no idea where we stand. Finally on Wednesday night I couldn't take it anymore and I asked him why he wasn't saying "I love you" anymore and he said that he was just worried about what's going to happen in the next few months. I asked if he still loved me and he said yes... and I was like, Ok, so why aren't you saying it?? :( FINALLY he said it, and he said it again openly later. He's saying it on the phone better too. I am still very nervous. He won't give me any hint at all as to what way he is leaning. I make references about us being together in the future and he says we will talk about it when we see each other... But he is back to flirting a little, and I can hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. I am so confused, and scared. I am basically on the edge of my seat... But overall I am feeling a little better. Kristin yelled at me and that helped some. LOL

I'm supposed to see him on Monday... if that doesn't get canceled too... I see him the 29th, and he leaves on the 30th.. starts on the 2nd. :(

I'm going to miss him so much...

Heartbroken

When I got into this relationship, I instinctively felt that this was never going to happen again, that I wasn't going to be hurt or heartbroken again because this man loved me so much.

I was wrong.

I haven't seen or talked to him since a week ago Saturday in that parking lot when he said moving was a possibility- and then the following Tuesday got word he had decided to go. The question then for the last week has been, are we staying together or not?

I was unsure at first, but then adamatly felt we could work it out. Because this relationship is SO special. But Matt has given me every indication he can't handle a long distance relationship. He has stopped telling me he loves me. He said it on his own over instant messenger on Thursday, but the only other times I have heard it since then is when I say it on the phone- and he mumbles it back, like he is being forced. He says it so uncomfortably that I do feel that he doesn't want to say it, and therefore must not feel it anymore. I don't know how you could fall out of love so fast after what we both felt we have... It has only been a handful of days since he told me he was in love with me, and how happy he was that I knew I wanted to marry him... And now he doesn't show me any affection at all... I don't understand what is happening.

My therapist group leader lady said he is doing this to self-protect, that he may not even be aware of it.

I wrote him a letter on Sunday night, a long one, pointing out all the reasons why we should stay together, and how much I loved him. I've said my peace...

He is having a bunch of co-workers over today to help him move. I asked if I could come help, or feed the guys some brownies, but he never even answered.

Tomorrow we are supposed to spend the day together. He had said he wanted to come over and visit, and he wanted to go to dinner. I have been dreading this day all week because i know we are going to break up. Because if we weren't, why wouldn't he be acting normally? But the thing I don't understand even more, is that he said he planned to see me again before he leaves on the 30th. He said he has the 29th off. If we are breaking up tomorrow, why would we see each other again after that? I love him, I wanted to marry him, I heard the sweetest words in the world from him... I can't see him. I need to get this grief out and work on getting better again. I am so angry with myself for thinking that I wasn't going to get hurt again. More than ever, this makes me not want to get back out there and date again. If this is what it is like when you have really found someone who is so perfect for you... then... why do it?

So here's the BIG NEWS, in sum.

In short, Matt's family asked him to move to Redding to be with family since the stroke. The stroke was very mild, and his dad is doing very well, but I guess it scared everyone pretty good and they want him home.

Matt tossed and turned about it on his own all last week (although I had my suspicions) and he warned me on Saturday that he had been very obsessively thinking about this and it might happen. I was VERY upset and cried alot. Previously we had discussed that neither of us were willing to do long distance, so I assumed that if he went, we would break up. OBVIOUSLY, considering my feelings for him (and vice versa) this was really devastating to me. I handled it pretty well, considering, but I still stayed and cried for a long time.

The shortest transfer Matt can do is 6 months. He had to notify them by Tuesday of this week in order to transfer as of July 1st. (REALLY fast...) And he did. Tuesday he notified his boss and he is going.

I don't know what is going to happen to us. I am not sure if we are staying together, or if we are even together right now. We haven't been together very long to be able to get through all of this stress and strain at once. I am also afraid that he will go there and then end up not coming back here, and selling his house instead of coming home. I am scared if we got serious and got married, had a family, that he would always put his parents ahead of me on his priority list.

We really need to talk about all of these things. Like, SOON. I am basically going nuts.

He was supposed to have Monday-Wednesday off from work, except for court, but he got called in and has been working regular shifts. (6pm-6am, and then court at 8am- to whenever) He WILL get other days of in order to compensate for this. But I don't know when those days will be yet. Later in the week is harder for me to have time for him- I have a class I take Thursday nights, and I have a wedding this Friday. I had also scheduled a family photo session for this weekend, in San Francisco, which is really far and I am really not up to it, but this session has been canceled and rescheduled at least 3 times. (All on the client's end, but I have been equally uncooperative about the whole thing.. I don't even understand why they are doing it. It is part of a wedding package they bought, but they got married a YEAR ago last March- March of 2008! And they don't seem to want to do it anyway! So why are they doing it? Most people don't use my bonus sessions- especially if they don't WANT to do it!!)

Anyway, so it is a bad week for me to suddenly have him available on these days ONLY when we have SO MUCH serious stuff to talk about.

I really did not want to do long distance... but now that I have found this wonderful man, I cannot imagine giving him up or loosing him. But I don't know how he feels. I am scared. :(

What's your advice for a long distance relationship? What would make it successful? What could we do for each other to keep our connection going strong through this period?

We both have complicated schedules and I don't know if his parents would welcome me into their home as they are pretty old-fashioned and it would be very expensive for me to get a hotel in that area as I don't know anyone there except Matt's family...

What do you think? :(