Frustrated and wanting more.

I took the time to email the investigator the remainder of the information that had not been reviewed in the interview, and forward him all of the images of accidents they had asked for. What did I get in return?

"Received by Sergeant So and So."

That was it.  For ALL of them, including the at least two page note including additional facts and details that had been missed the first time around. I could have used a little more than that. How about a, 'thank you for the additional information, I will add it to our notes, we will contact you if we need more'? Something more than RECEIVED?

I would have been okay with the received until I got the last email from him maybe 30 minutes to an hour later responding to a secondary note I included about the time Matt pulled me over "for a non-enforcement reason" as they called it. I also asked if I could be notified before or when Matt finds out about everything so I would be prepared in case he or someone in his family contacted me. He did respond to that, but what he said was No, and that Matt would be told to not contact me.

 I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. I want to know if he's going to find out about this in six months or in six weeks or six days.  I can't sit here for the next however many weeks not knowing if he knows, and watching my back! I can't drive into Woodland (where he lives!) and meet clients and shoot weddings (of which I have TWO this year) and be afraid if he or his family sees me that they'll come after me because they'll know I turned him in. I can't, I can't, I can't. Not good enough. I need more information, I need to prepare. I feel seriously freaked out and I really do not trust the investigators anymore. I didn't trust them to begin with, but now I feel so freaked out I really don't. I know that I am triggering right now, and getting myself all upset over something probably someone else wouldn't, (gee, thanks Kaiser for the over-education), but this feels real to me and my concerns feel real. Just telling Matt, "You better not contact her!" and waggling their index fingers isn't good enough!

I want an attorney. I feel panicky. I want to file civilly, I want to do it quickly, before he has time to react to this. But I feel like it's already too late to do that because I already interviewed and turned him in.

::waving hands wildly in the air like a hysterical person::

I'm not ready for all this crap, I can't deal with it, I want it to all go away. Make it go away, I can't do it. Somebody else, please, PLEASE just take care of it. Just make it go away. I am begging you, make it go away. I can't freaking handle it for one more second, I need a break! I have been up all night worrying and stressing, I just can't settle down. I just want it to stop. Make it go my way. Please. Make it go my way. Protect me and make it all be okay. Why can't I just know that it will?

Meet me on Monday: Nacho Mania

1.  What is your favorite food?
Avocados. Guacamole and chips specifically. Love nachos too. I love the smooth and crunchy contrast. Dirty little secret? I LOVE fake cheese, the nacho cheese. Like Tostitos Nacho Cheese/Queso. Oh, it's so good! I don't like nachos with real cheese! Well, I do, but it's just not as good. I want the oohey, gooey runny fake stuff. Mmmmm. lol

2.  What color scheme is your bedroom?
White. In the past I have done reds (Pottery Barn's Poppy set, purchased off eBay and made my own duvet with a cheap $5 Walmart flat sheet), and blues, but I was really inspired by Charlotte York's white bedroom/house on Sex & the City and I liked how peaceful it looked. My walls are yellow, but the curtains are a flimsy, flowy white, I have a white decoratively pleated duvet cover, and a light gray bedskirt. I really like details on fabric, made out of fabric. Like pleats! Or ruffles. Things like that.

This isn't my room, (my room is tiny and full of crap) but when I have a house, something similar to this would be my goal, and my bedset itself is the same.I would want something softer, this has a touch of a western feel with some of the ivory touches and the blind treatments, but you get the idea.

3.  Do you carry a donor card?
I have the sticker on my driver's license. My dad's wife had a liver transplant last year. She had a rare and severe allergic reaction to a commonly prescribed antibiotic and it shut down her liver and put her into full liver failure in about 3-4 weeks. (She was NOT a drinker or drug user or anything like that. This was a horrific, one in a million freak side effect/accident). Luckily she got a transplant (from a twenty-something drug addict who overdosed in a park...) and is currently stable. She will be on huge amounts of medication for the rest of her life and her immune system is so suppressed a cold could be fatal because she has no way to fight it because of the medications she's on, but she has had a stellar recovery and has been very lucky. Since the transplant she and my dad got married and she is planning on retiring this summer. (Or so she says. It just keeps getting postponed but she says she means it this time.) Thank goodness the drug addict had the sense to do this one good thing in his life. A lost soul, but he ended his life in a way that saved so many others. Carry a donor card! You have no idea how many people you could save by doing so, and doing it yourself encourages others and that is so important.

4.  In your opinion, is the glass half empty or half full?
Right now, half empty. I am so upset with my life right now. Is that more optimistic than saying I hate my life? I am upset with my life. This week, these last few days... this MONTH, this YEAR... when is it going to be over? How much longer? How much longer will I have to endure this? Can someone just tell me? "Are we there yet?" If you could just tell me how much longer, it would just help so much... please... :(

5.  Vanilla or Chocolate?
Depends on the context. Vanilla shakes, yes. Chocolate candy bars, yes. Chocolate ice cream, yes. Fast food restaurants tend to do a crappy job at chocolate shakes so I always go for Vanilla. 

Betrayal: After the Interview

Maybe if I can just.. think of him as having really passed away. If he is really gone, if he is not on Earth any more, than what I have done has not betrayed him. If I can just accept that he is gone and doesn't exist anymore and that this isn't him, that I am not talking about him, that I did not sit in that room, and shake and cry and tell those officers all of the things he did... maybe it will be better. If I can just grieve him, grieve my loss of him, and just miss him in the way my heart misses him, then maybe the pains and pangs of betrayal and hurt won't be so terrible. It is so terrible. I can't even tell you how terrible it is. When I left the house, the last thing I did was listen to Stephanie Nielson's video from her blog, as I have many times, and I drew peace from that. I've seen it so many times I didn't need to watch it. I walked out of the house thinking, "He is at my right hand and at my left. My right hand and at my left. My right and my left. Right and left. Right and left. Right and left." Over and over again. It is one of the most terrible things I have ever done.

"When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.


Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised:

I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up. [D&C 84:88]


That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble."

Elder Holland

Today is the big day.

This morning I will be going in for my interview with two of the investigating sergeants. We are meeting at an engineering firm in a business/industrial district that has no affiliation with the CHP or the state as far as I can tell. I have no idea how they managed to coordinate doing this interview on private property. It is pretty strange.

My mother flew in this afternoon and will be there for at least part of the interview for moral support. I asked the sergeant if it was okay that she be there and he was actually really negative and discouraged her presence. This was primarily due to the same concerns I had- that I would hold back or edit myself in front of her; their concerns were about being able to ask me absolutely anything they wanted to, apparently. (Whatever that means?) He also said she absoutely cannot speak or emotionally react to anything that is said, that I can't be comforting or dealing with her. There are honestly some things I really don't want to talk about in front of her and have debated about her presence. I have a friend who I really, REALLY wanted there (Al) but she can't because she's not local so I guess I should be grateful my mom could be there.

Mormon missionaries stopped by today while I was going through old letters between Matt and I. I thought the timing funny.

Having some problems with my mom triggering anxiety episodes in me. My mom is conservative and proper, but at the same time I'm her adult daughter, so she thinks certain things are okay to do in front of me and they just really upset me. Like she started changing her clothes in front of me. And her feet were bothering her after she got up from a nap and so she was trying to stretch them and they were up in the air, and it just was a very awkward body position.... She also has this habit of always sitting in the car with her hand between her knees/thighs and because her legs are so short, it has always bothered me just because of how it looks, even though she is just tucking her hand between her knees to keep it warm as a habit. Like someone would sit on their hands. All of these things, together and as a whole, all trigger red flags of *SEXUALITY*  and completely and totally freak me out. Honestly, when she started to change her clothes I cried and had to stand up and face the wall and ask her to stop. I felt like a lunatic. Like, seriously, it's my mom changing clothes to go to the dog park. Or she's stretching her leg. Or warming her hand, and it all means, like nothing, but when I see those things, instead of seeing normal things someone does in private, my whole body freaks out and screams something sexual is going on and I need to run away because something very bad and very wrong is happening. It is totally and absolutely because of Matt.

We had this little breakthrough over the weekend, I remembered this instance when I had hugged Matt when he was on duty and he had his bullet proof vest on and he made kind of an "Awwww, shucks!" noise and I asked him what was wrong and he said because of his vest he couldn't feel my body the same way when he hugged me. Basically, he made hugging, a totally normal, platonic, but loving act as partly sexual. This is probably why hugging has been such a trigger to me and why it upsets me so much. My sister's long term boyfriend/partner hugged me goodbye over Christmas and I had a panic attack in the car and couldn't stop wiping my chest, like I couldn't get myself clean, I couldn't get the flithy shame and dirt off my body even though nothing happened... that it was innocent.  I've progressed to the point where I can tolerate a hug without the other person realizing how upset I am (this is primarily with men) and keep calm, but in my head, it is all hysteria still. But outwardly, I am handling it much better these last few months.

Anyway, going through all those letters and papers the last couple of days in preparation of this, and it bringing all of that stuff up again and basically triggering it. So my mom doing those things is absolutely making me hysterical. I am so grossed out and feel dirty and want to scream. For absolutely ridiculous, nonsense reasons.  Just don't ever put on a sweatshirt or something in front of me or brush your hair or I might pass out in terror thinking you're trying to assault me.  I mean, come on! But... I am so serious. I feel sick, I feel so disgusting.

My therapist said (before my mom even got here or any of those things happened) that I am just being triggered right and left because of the interview. I spent the last 24 hours trying to confirm the person doing the interview really is who he says he is. I couldn't find him on the state's website and I was having these overwhelming feelings of paranoia that he wasn't a real police officer, because why else couldn't I find him on the website? After spelling his name about 20 different ways I finally got it to come up, but it really didn't provide any relief in my anixety.

I am just so afraid for tomorrow. (/This morning)

Meet me on Monday "I talk to the trees..."

1.  What feature of the opposite sex do you notice first?

Before I was victimized I would notice faces and just overall appearances first. Just an overall impression and stance, like if they had a happy stance, way of being and such. Does that make sense at all? Since everything has happened, I notice their presence and go head down and turn away, cross my arms. I get really physically defensive, whether I am aware of it or not. I am usually aware of it, but sometimes I don't even notice myself tense up.

2.  Do you talk to yourself?

Occasionally. More often I sing to myself. I like to talk to the animals. But talking just to me, myself and I... It isn't like absent minded muttering, it's a conscious choice of giving myself a pep talk, or calling someone a bad word under my breath. lol

3.  What is your current relationship status?

Um... Traumatized? Is that a status? Or... "Stay Away"  How about... "Touch me and die"?

4.  Do you have a garden?

  

This plant is triple this size now... this is from last year and in a MUCH bigger pot. I'm in Southern California shooting a wedding right now, so I'll try to take some fresh pictures when I get home.

Of course. Mostly just flowers, hydrangeas, potato bush, bulbs- daffodils, snowdrops/galanthus, tulips, hyacinth, all of which are now fried by the sun. Also have some catnip, various flowering weeds I sometimes let grow just for the greenery since everything grows in pots on the porch and flowering weeds are better than empty pots, and then I have a giant strawberry plant that unexpectedly took over a pot much bigger than I planned on giving it and it's flowering and has tiny green berries. Lovely. Wish I didn't have so much sun on my porch... my guys like shade- and I like shade plants. Oh, and I have a blue agave from an ex boyfriend that has hung on all these years. :)

5.  What is your favorite licorice flavor?

 If I could ever find it, it would be HUCKLEBERRY! But I like all kinds, black, red, raspberry, strawberry, watermelon, they're all good to me!

Not what I expected

The sergeant conducting the investigation called me day before yesterday. I have to have an in-person interview. I did not take it so well, to say the least.

They are being fairly accommodating, and he said they would not come in "black and whites" (patrol cars?) and I asked if they would have to wear uniforms and he said they wouldn't. He said we could do it in a public place, but semi-private so it wouldn't be embarrassing for me if I got emotional. There will be two sergeants there, and the second sergeant is a woman, which will be helpful for me. I still have so many problems being around men... I appreciated that. He said it would be recorded and that we could do it in my home. (Which I totally and adamantly declined. No way. I do not want that memory of them being in my home. It would feel violating, and I already feel confused enough because I feel like I am betraying the man I was in love with and in a relationship with, my partner, by doing this. I don't want them in my home. Also, it looks like a hoarder lives here. Nobody wants or needs to see that.)

I really felt like I wanted somebody there with me, and when I was talking to my mom about the interview she just announced (without me asking or expressing it) that she was buying plane tickets and would come to be with me. On the one hand it was such a huge relief. I can't believe my family is finally coming through for me and finally, without even asking is just being there to support me, done and done. On the other hand, I am worried about having to discuss some aspects of what happened in front of my mom. I'm not sure I am comfortable with that. I haven't told her everything and there are some things you just don't talk about in front of your parents. There are lines and boundaries and I am sure those things are things that will come up and I don't know if I should ask her to leave for those parts or just buck up and talk about it in front of her. It kind of makes me think about Elizabeth Smart. Her parents, in all these years never knew what happened to her or what the Barzee's did to her until she got up on the stand and testified at the trial. She never told them and they never asked. It's the same kind of thing. Like the handcuff thing. He handcuffed one of my wrists once as a joke. I don't want to tell my parents that. I don't know if I can speak totally freely in front of her but on the other hand I want someone there and she already bought the tickets.

I am terrified of doing this. I never thought I would have to be interviewed in person. I thought the big event here would be a phone call or a letter in the mail confirming details. I never thought this would be part of it. I wasn't prepared for this. I just laid in bed and cried after I talked to the field supervisor and he told me. I also went and got the stuff to make turkey sandwiches again. (Which is all I ate for months after I first found out.)