Marriage

Do men ever REALLY want to get married?

Not because "it's time," or because their girlfriend gave them an ultimatum, or it's just something you do in life. Or because your religion says you have to, or you should, or "it'll be good for you, you'll like it, " or so you can have sex without "sinning",  because they got their girlfriend pregnant and her father came after them with a shotgun, but because honestly, they really, truly WANT to be married, for no other reason, than they WANT TO BE MARRIED?

Really. Does that happen? Ever?

Bewildered today

I am just... bewildered today.

How did this ever happen?

He did what? With who? What? WHAT?

What are you TALKING about?

No, no, no... That couldn't have happened. No...

I don't believe it today. I miss him. I need a hug! I want to just pick up the phone and give him a call. I feel so casual.. Like nothing happened. Oh, what? That happened? He did all that? Huh? I don't know what you're talking about. Because the guy I was with, he was AWESOME. He loved he so much... I can't even tell you how wonderful he was. How he loved me, treated me, looked at me. We are spending the rest of our lives together.  All this other crap is hoo-ha.

Can we say denial?

Did I mention that they are having a baby together? Oh yeah. They stayed togeher. She had made that choice within less than 12 hours after I went to the house and told her her husband had been cheating on her for half their marriage. And not just that. Not just that he had been with me for the last 18 months, but that he had been living a double life too. With a fictional life story, a fictional relationship with his parents, fake friends names, a pretend friend who was killed in the line of duty, a pretend memorial tattoo for said friend, a pretend job as a special agent for the federal government he had just given up and a bedridden father, debilitated by a stroke. 12 hours... "I got married for forever, not just a little while. .. I can only hope he will get the help he needs..." My therapist cocked her head to the side and said something like, "What about her? Doesn't she need help? Her world just crashed down. And what about them as a couple? They should each be in individual counseling and in couples counseling too. Not just him.. this isn't just about him and this doesn't just affect him, and him going to therapy alone won't fix this situation.  Nothing will. "  Three months after I went to their house, and told his wife everything he had done to US... she was pregnant. It practically made me retch. Three months after I found out... I still wasn't eating or sleeping. Letting that man touch me? Sleeping with him at all, let alone without protection is... WHAT???

 A very smart friend of mine said something like, she couldn't believe they were just going on, pretending like he hadn't been in a serious relationship with someone else. That was key for me. He's married... and he was in a serious relationship with someone else. Me. ME. She also said the whole thing was creepy and that yeah, having a baby the first time around worked out so well, what with him assuming a second identity and trying to basically become a polygamist by trying to marry me- maybe he never would have, maybe he would have stalled forever, but who knows. Yeah, having a baby the first time worked out great what with him running off and starting an affair 10 days after the baby was born. Go ahead, have another one. Sounds like  a GREAT PLAN! Three months. They waited three months. Or I should say she. You know this wasn't his idea. Or if it was, it was used as a manipulative distration. HERE. Get pregnant, focus on something else and get off my back. Then you'll be happy, and leave me alone. Just like last time...

Seriously, this is my life now? How did I get dragged into these people's jacked up marital problems?

Nightmares

My nightmares are back. I'm having terrible, terrible nightmares. I dream he comes to the house. He hurts me. He comes to the front door with his fist clenched so tight- like he did that day in the house.

I dream he's been suspended from his job. I dream he's angry. I dream he doesn't care. I dream and dream and dream. I wake up startled that he's not there. The dog howling at noises on the porch makes my hair stand on end.

I'm scared.

I'm not sleeping well. I guess I should say I'm not sleeping at all. Last night I was up until 5am, and only after I put in one more call regarding that lawsuit against him. I woke up at 7am. I haven't been back to sleep since.

I have a newborn photo shoot today, thrown together at the last minute, the dad is shipping out- he's military and he's leaving tomorrow. I don't know how I am ever going to make it through. I'm so tired. The session is also in Matt's territory. It makes me nervous. Such happy, sweet memories now turned sour and scary.

Someone else has complained about him. Yes- a THIRD person. He threatened them. The only thing is I'm not entirely sure it's my Matty or not. I think that's triggering me partially. He sounds angry, pent up, and taking it out on the job.

I'm nervous.

Games People Play

Every night for the last year I have played the same game with myself.

How long can I possibly sit here and put off going to sleep?

No matter how tired I am, or how much I love sleeping... or how tired my animals are, already curled up in their own beds or under the covers even, still, I just do anything I can think of to just avoid putting down the distraction, and turning over to sleep.

Because that's when the tears come.

Just thinking about trying to stop distracting myself and going to sleep... and the tears stream down. I hate going to sleep. I hate being left alone with my thoughts. I hate feeling alone with him gone. Not "being alone" but of being alone in this life without him in it. And then angry for all that he has done.

I hate going to bed.

 

Source: http://www.etsy.com/listing/66752072/goodnight-moon-quote-board-on-canvas

Almost There

 Source:  http://www.etsy.com/listing/46589328/everything-is-alright-poster

I can't believe we're almost there.

Tomorrow it will be a year.  A year ago today I was beginning to suspect something was very wrong. My world was starting to crumble. A year ago tomorrow it was destroyed. I'm not ready for it to be a year already...

A lot of things have been happening.

The name that Matt had used while we were together- the name I knew him as, was the name of a real person, a co-worker, a police officer. A friend. They were friends on online I found out recently. Even more recently, they appear to no longer be friends... I think this is because they must have found out about the investigation. The "real" Matt, if you will, may or may not have known what my Matt did with his name tag when we were together. I have no idea. But he certainly found out once the Office of Investigations hauled him in for an interview about it... So I think he knows. I think they all know.  I can't think of any other reason why they would have suddenly severed ties with each other.

I reposted my case online [on a legal website], provided more information, and checked allot more boxes. I got allot of calls from attorneys, which freaked me out nicely. None appeared to have read my case anyway. Except one, who seemed genuinely interested. But he had a recent reprimand from the state bar. I read all of the information on it, and it's not THAT bad, considering, but I would prefer an attorney with a clean record, obviously. I already have trust issues, why would I hire someone who already has given reason not to trust them?

A friend did some research and found out that Matt is being sued by someone else. I'm trying to get my hands on as much information as possible. It was filed relatively recently (this year) and my head about exploded when I found out. It really brought to the forefront of my mind all those questions the investigators asked me at the start of the interview- "Why now? Why are you bringing this up now?" The suit had been filed about 5 weeks prior to me filing. I didn't know anything about it then, so it was truly just a coincidence and when they asked me, I told them the truth as it was: I realized we were closing in on a year, I was worried about too much time passing before filing a complaint, and I had been working on these issues in therapy for the last 10 months trying to get ready for this. I also had been unable to find any attorney and that was part of what I had been waiting on. I wanted to do that first. Since that hadn't happened yet, and I was closing in on my anniversary, I felt pressured and rushed (by myself) to take action. I was afraid that if I didn't file the complaint now and I couldn't find an attorney, that there would be no way to take any action against him, or to tell anyone in an official capacity what he had done. So I filed the complaint, very spur of the moment, a very rushed and hurried decision. But that was why. I just found out about this other lawsuit last week. The law suit is work related, but has escalated from local court to federal court already. It could be all fluff, or it might not be. But it probably didn't look good to have multiple complaints filed within such a short period of time, regardless of what happened with the other person.

I also found a way to commemorate my anniversary tomorrow. I am [hopefully] going to be spending it with three little boys, and their mom, who is expecting their baby brother or sister in the next couple of weeks. She lost her husband, suddenly, without warning, to an unknown medical condition a few months ago.  He was only 35. He kissed her goodnight and never woke up. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to get her message and request to do this family and maternity session for her. To do it on a day that means so much to me... I can't even... It means so much. It's what I needed, and it felt like it was God's steering us to each other to open that message. Finding her... to be able to do this for her... I couldn't be more relieved of my burden to give to someone else whose hurting on this day. It means SO much. So, so much.

I only worry because I haven't gotten a confirmation from her yet with the address and everything. I hope it's not too much for her. I'm a little nervous, but moreso very excited to get to spend time with her boys and really preserve this time in their lives. This last year has been hell for me, and I can imagine, it is for her too, but at the same time, you want to remember it because you want to remember where you have been so you know how far you've come. Also, this baby is this perfect present her husband left behind for her, and he or she isn't here yet... they are waiting to be unwrapped... and I get to preserve this last time she gets to be pregnant with this so special baby made out of the love between herself and her husband. That means so much to me. I just so hope that I get to do it....I get teary thinking about it.

Charlie Brown gets a Blankie

The kitties have lots and lots and LOTS AND LOTS of blankies that are just for them. Sweet, silky baby pink satin blankies backed with minky, baby blue squishy soft blankies... blankies, blankies everywhere. The kitties LOVE their blankies. I think Charlie got a white blankie to share with his brother and sister on the back of the couch so it wouldn't get so soiled with all that "paw traffic", but he doesn't really have a sauscie of his own. (Sauscie is what I called my special blankie when I was little. :) )


So today, I went to the fabric store (okay, Walmart, whatever) and got some fabric, and after several TORTURED hours at the sewing machine where the thread broke approximately 30+ times (not exaggerating) doing a blanket stitch around the edge of the zig zag, I got this little number whipped up for him!!! Tee-hee.

You can't see it here, but Charlie BB actually has a yellow and black zig zag tag too. I tried to flip it around but he was having none of that business.

   











   

(The zig zag does look alot better in person.. I dunno why it looks so uneven in the picture... I cut ONE M stacked in a chain- like a chain of paper dolls, so they really are all uniform. :shrug: It looks cue in person. )


He'll be getting a Charlie Brown sweater in the mail this week or next too. Too much? It is his name after all.