Emily's Adventures in Wonderland

Friday, December 28, 2012

An Unfortunate Discovery

About 10 days after the hearing I was reading an article in Glamour Magazine about love scams/online romance scams. Mostly the article was about people who stole innocent people's pictures and used them on dating profiles, then started an intense relationship with someone online, and then somehow got them to give them money.

This isn't exactly what happened with Matt, but it's similar. Same ballpark.

The article mentioned two support websites to turn to for help if you had been a victim. You could get info on how to spot another scam, and how to have a healthy relationship post-scam, and even look and see if someone you were suspicious about had been previously reported as running scams. It even had a little database searcher.

I wasn't going to look at it, I was just laying in bed trying to sleep. And then suddenly I was overwhelmed.

"Get up and look. You'll find it. He's on there."

And I thought... you are such a paranoid retarded freak. SHUT UP.

"He's on there. Go and look. You have to get up. Get UP."

I swear I slapped both of my hands across my face and groaned and swore but I got up. It was like 2am and I was tired.

I plugged his info into the websites. Nothing came up. (See, Emily, I knew you were a paranoid, retarded freak). But then I saw this other search result. It apparently scans the web for people with that user id.

HELLO VOMITING PILE OF SEARCH RESULTS.

Matt is using a third identity and is claiming to be 18 years old in one, and 25 in another. (He's in his early 30's.) He also still has an active account with the name I knew him as. All associated with that email he used when we were together.

I was alarmed and freaked out and didn't know how to handle the information. People have been telling me for two years I wasn't the only one he ever did it to, but I never really believed them. (I honestly still think I hallucinated our whole relationship most of the time. It's just too bizarre and insane).

Can you think of a single, legitimate, above board reason why a 33 year old man would be pretending to be 18?

Let's say he hasn't used this in 3 years. Let's say he stopped after the incident with me.

THAT JUST MEANS HE WAS IMPERSONATING A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD, PEOPLE.

These profiles age with the user. That just makes it WORSE.

I posted on Facebook, with my intent to just be, how the heck do I process this information? But I got this overwhelming response of "leave it alone, move on," blah blah blah. All of which was supremely unhelpful and minimizing of the situation.

Please. Sit down. Think about this. Nice old grandpa who lives next door likes to watch your daughter after school. He's sweet, friendly, Grandma is nice. No problem. Your daughter starts coming home with bruises all over her thighs and is acting secretive.

DO YOU JUST LET THAT GO???

I was not posting on Facebook to request what course of action I should take. I posted for support. I got judgment. As my therapist said, that didn't really help me. It really just pissed me off. And I had posted in a panic at 3am, so way too many people say the post, people who don't even know my situation so I just deleted it.

And then I sat and stewed, as I often do.

I was assaulted as a child. I would not wish that on anyone. I believe in the laws of this country. I believe in the quote, "If you remain silent in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor." No one spoke up for me when I was a child and was hurt by a bad, bad man. Who is going to speak up now, if not me? What if no one else even knows?

What's one reason why a married 33 year old would be pretending to be 18?

One. Name one legit reason.

There isn't one.

Months ago I posted about how I started shrieking at the computer "HE'S AN ONLINE PREDATOR!" because I came to suspect he met his wife online as well. Well, I'm genuinely suspicious he is. And you want me to turn a blind eye? I freaking think not. Like I could LIVE with myself if he was corresponding with underage girls or boys. I don't even want to think about that. It's a crime.

Of course, even if it's true, I don't think I could ever believe it, or really acknowledge it in my heart or soul because when I look at him, I see the man he pretended to be. I don't know if I'll ever make that separation. It is very hard to accept the love of your life (to this point in my life) was a fictional character. I understand his wife to a greater extent than I did. She lives in the land of denial. How could she do anything else? How do you admit you're married to a monster? She has kids. She's surviving. She's also crazy, but I pity her. I wish I could shake her and say, "Don't you know what you're worth?! Don't you know that God loves you? Heavenly Father wants more for you than this! He wants more for your children! Don't you know you're loved?!"

And I don't even believe in God half the time. (But she does and it's a medium she'd relate to.)

(I try, it's a struggle. I'm super analytical. But I recognize religious beliefs provide personal enrichment, so I try.)

So, after stewing a little while longer, I called the Internal Affairs bureau of the CHP. And I simply asked them, "What should I do?" (BTW, totally did not spazz out on the phone this time talking to the officer. yay me!)

They told me to file a Citizen's Complaint. They said it was the prudent, appropriate thing to do. I clarified about five times.

Then I sat on it for the last couple of weeks. I still didn't really want to do it.

I went to therapy and talked about it, and as I talked about all of my apprehensions, I said, "I just don't know what the right thing to do is." Then I interrupted myself and said, "Of course I do. The right thing to do is to file the complaint. They can't do anything if no one tells them."

This is the right thing to do. I know this is true. I know this is right.

So I wrote it, and then sat on it some more.

Today I went and printed it out, but before I did that, I emailed the investigator who handled the original complaint:

Dear Sgt.

You were the investigator on a Citizen's Complaint I filed in June 2011 regarding Matthew L-----------'s use of the identity "Matt T-----." It recently came to my attention that Officer L-------- is using a third identity and is posing as an 18 year old on a social media website. I am very uncomfortable with this information and really want no part of another complaint, but when I called IA downtown and asked them what the right thing to do was, they said I should file another Citizen's Complaint. I just wanted to ask if you agree with that or have different advice. I am still terrified of L------ and I'm concerned he'd try to claim I was harassing him or something if I filed a second complaint. (That whole bit on the form about the officer being entitled to file civil action is very disconcerting.) But my concern that he may be corresponding with minors, or that he's possibly some kind of an online predator scares me even more. I'm just not sure what to do.

Emily

And he responded:

Miss -----,

It disappoints me greatly to hear these allegations. Our Internal Affairs Office was correct in directing toward filing another complaint. Please do not let the required legal wording, located on our form, dissuade you from filing a justified complaint. Your allegations have many ramifications and if true need to be dealt with. I have made our Woodland Area's Acting Commander, ----------, aware of your contact and noted concerns. I will be forwarding your original e-mail (below) to the Woodland Area so they may have it for any possible subsequent file. If you do not hear from the Woodland Area in the very near future please feel free to contact them directly through the information provided below.

Sgt.

So, with a lot of apprehension, I mailed this yesterday. But the Sgt's comments are re-assuring.

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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Going to Court, Part 2

Okay, so we left off with me frantically flipping through papers and then not providing everything I had. Hmmmm.

I handed what I thought were all the papers I needed to the bailiff, and he walked them back to Matt and his wife. Who were sitting on the Platintiff's side of the room for some reason. ...He's a cop, he goes to court all the time, and each podium was clearly labeled on each side. ("Plaintiff" on the right, and "Defendant" on the ~~wrong~~ left side.)What is he, slow? Thanks for supporting me and sitting on the Plaintiff's side buddy!

Anyway, he gave him the papers, and they handed the wife's email to me. I only skimmed it to make sure my words hadn't been changed, so it looked okay with this preliminary glance, although it wasn't.

One or two cases went ahead of us, and they were basically time-fillers. both cases were people who only had one party present and needed to reschedule or something. I don't remember.

As soon as we were done playing with the 589,082,749 pages of paperwork we were called up.

I think I said, "Are you freaking KIDDING me?!" I did not want to be first.

Myself, my friend C who served him, my mom, my dad all stood up and were sworn in. On Matt's side, he and his wife were then sworn in.

Then the judge (or referee, he's actually not a judge, but it doesn't really matter) told all of our witnesses to leave. ALL of them. So my parents, C, and his wife didn't hear any of my or Matt's testimony. The only ones who did was my dad's wife, who declined to be sworn in (and wore a face mask, which prompted my friend to ask if she had cancer or something- "What is up with that?!" She had an organ transplant almost 2 years ago and is immune-suppressed so catching a cold could be a huge problem for her, so she's careful. But I agree she looked like a freak. No judging though, no judging. LOL) My attorney got lost and didn't have her cell, and she made it in about half way through my testimony. She also apparently hopped out in the hall and gave my parents an update, which they all appreciated, and I did too. That was very nice of her and I didn't expect it. I didn't even know she was there though, just my dad's wife, and I was relieved to have not been in there alone.

Anyway, I stood up, walked to the podium with my huge binder, took a huge shaky breath and said, "Good Morning."

Then I started to read this speech. About three sentences in, the Judge interrupted and said he knew I was nervous but he needed me to slow down because he needed to take notes. I took a slower deep breath, repeated my sentence and read the following:

(I would just like to apologize to all of you in advance for not being able to watch this on Judge Judy. I know how you all desperately wished for my moment of reality TV glory. lol)

Good Morning your Honor.

My name is Emily H------ and I was in a relationship with the Defendant from February, 2009 to August 2010.

If you reference the Points & Authorities I filed with my Amended Complaint on October 11th, you can see my causes of action are Fraud, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, Assault, False Imprisonment, Assault, Battery, and Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress. I have discussed each tort in detail in this document with discussions of my claims.

The Defendant is a California Highway Patrolman, and during our relationship claimed to work out of the San Francisco and then the Fairfield office of the CHP. During our relationship, he created a false identity for himself, and went by the name Matthew T--------. As a result, I suffered financial damages, which I am suing him for to restore me to the position I was prior to meeting him.

-Here is our initial point of contact when the Defendant emailed me through an online dating website and identified himself as "Mat in Woodland."
-- If you refer to Attachment ONE in your packet, the first page is an instant messenger conversation where the Defendant identifies himself as a CHP in San Francisco and that at the time of the conversation, he had been single for 4.5 years. Also attached in Attachment ONE is another instant messenger conversation where he provides his phone number, which is the same number listed in the complaint.
--Here is an email he sent me with the name "Matthew T--------," listed as the sender.
--Here is an instant messenger conversation where he states his name is Matthew T--------.

--If you refer to Page 4 of Attachment FOUR in your packet, which is the statement written on my behalf by the CHP investigator, the investigating Sergant, W---- C-----, conclusively states that the Defendant, Matthew L-------- and the person I dated, Matthew T-------- are the same person. In Sergant C------'s summary of my statement, he recounts my memory of the Defendant signing credit card receipts under the unauthorized alias, and of meeting the Defendant on-duty, where I clearly recall the Defendant wearing a name tag with the name "T--------" on it. For the record, the Defendant worked at the Fairfield office of the CHP with another officer who was apparently named Matthew T-------- and was likely the source of the Defendant's unauthorized nameplate use.

I agreed to date the Defendant under the false belief that he was who he claimed to be: A single, never married man named T-------- who very much wanted to get married and have children. In reality he was Matthew L--------, married and with one child already. I looked into the Defendant's background but was unable to find any information which contradicted what he told me. As he was a CHP officer, and I had met with him on-duty, and he presented himself as an honorable, forthright person, I had no reason to suspect otherwise.

--Here is a news article I found on a man who was a Officer with the Fairfield Office of the California Highway Patrol. When I asked the Defendant if the man in the article was him, he said yes.

On August 3rd, 2010, approximately 17 months into our relationship, I became suspicious that the Defendant had not been honest about something, but I wasn't quite sure what. He had claimed his father was a superior court judge, but the name he provided for his father was not someone who was listed on the California Bar's website. I wrote a letter to someone who I believed was a family member of the Defendant's and asked that person if the Defendant had been honest with me. That person, who requested they remain anonymous, informed me that the Defendant's name was not Matthew T--------, but it was actually Matthew L--------, that he had lied about his parent's names, his place of residence, where he attended college, that he had lied and said he was fired from the CHP, but he actually hadn't been, that his house had been foreclosed on and he had moved several hours away, and that he was married, and had an eighteen month old child, who had been born 10 days before we began dating. I did not know or suspect any of these revelations and the impact was devastating.

--Here is the email exchange between myself and the Defendant's family member. I have redacted the family member's name at their request, but I can provide a clean copy instead if that is necessary.

On the same day I wrote the letter to the family member, I found the address of his actual residence that he shares with his wife and child. The Defendant's wife invited me into her home, and thanked me for being honest with her. She asked me a series of humiliating questions, which I answered as best I could. I was crying, shaking, and near hysterical at points. I was able to tolerate this until the Defendant arrived home, and the two began to rage and scream at each other. I felt both terrified and threatened as to what would happen and feared I could be hurt. I crouched against a wall, but felt too afraid to just run out. I knew the Defendant carried a firearm on his person at all times, and given his angry state, I did not know what he was capable of. I asked the Defendant's wife permission to leave the home, and she consented, however, before I could leave, the Defendant and his wife's confrontation cumulated in the Defendant punching holes in the walls, and smashing a glass framed picture to bits. I ducked to avoid being hit. This is the grounds of my first assault claim.

I then rushed out of the house, asking the Defendant's wife if she was safe or if I could call the police. She declined and began screaming at the Defendant again.

Due to my reliance upon the Defendant's consistent and continual deliberate misrepresentations regarding his identity, I treated him as my partner. We planned to be married, and I had gotten quotes from various wedding vendors prior to my unexpected discovery of his actual identity. Due to my reliance on the Defendant's deceit, I spent an incredible amount of money on the Defendant, with the purchase of gifts, food, gas, scrapbooks, printed photos, christmas gifts, cards, letters, gift cards, and baked goods. I also incurred costs to myself as a result of the fraudulent relationship. At one point the Defendant claimed to have accepted a job as a Special Agent with the federal agency Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and as a show of my support as his wife to be, I purchased a "I love my Special Agent" tshirt, and an ATF sweatshirt. I also purchased a ring to represent our relationship, my support of his new career, and our impending marriage. Additional costs include two cell phone bills which the Defendant was responsible for and already offered to pay, but which I declined as I believed our relationship was real, and with additional incidentals arising from highly expensive gas costs and wear and tear on my vehicle as I traveled at some points, daily, to the Fairfield area to meet with the Defendant.

-If you refer to Attachment TWO in your packet, you can see the summarized total of costs incurred during the relationship.
-If you would like an itemized list, I have one available here as well.

As I have discussed the Defendant is liable for actual fraud against me for these intentional misrepresentations of his identity so that he could incur these monetary and physical benefits. He also committed the torts of IIED and NIED.

The Defendant was fully aware of his true identity throughout our relationship and that he was living a double life. The Defendant made it a point during our relationship to invent a colorful array of personal tragedies to make our relationship more dramatic and emotionally distressing. He claimed to have been fired from his job, he claimed his house had been foreclosed on, that his dog died, and his father had a stroke and his mother a nervous breakdown. He did these things so I would become upset, and then feel sympathy for him. The Defendant actually did this so much that I had to seek counseling during our relationship to cope with the things he was telling me. He purposely and with intent engaged in this outrageous and offensive behavior throughout our relationship in order to cause me emotional distress.

Arising out of the Fraud and my discovery of his double life a lengthy 17 months into our relationship, I suffered an incredible amount of mental distress. I became agoraphobic, afraid to leave my home, and was admitted into a daily outpatient psychiatric care facility to deal with the shock. I was unable to eat, bathe or get out of bed unless absolutely required. I became terrified of men, sirens, uniforms and police. I suffered hyperventilating panic attacks in grocery stores, at work, in restaurants, and airports. After being pulled over by another CHP officer, I became so terrified and inconsolable, the officer insisted on calling an ambulance, which I had to refuse because I knew I would be more disturbed by the presence of more men in uniforms. Thinking I had seen the Defendant on the street the week of my discovery, I got into a car accident, and then spent an hour on the side of the rode hysterically crying while the driver of the other car tried to assure me that what the Defendant did was not my fault and that I would get better. The next day, due to a fear for my safety because I was so afraid of the Defendant, I stayed with a friend, and was so upset and distracted, broke my foot. Over the last 28 months, I have attended at least twice weekly therapy, and have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depression and Anxiety and Panic Disorder as a direct result of the defendant's actions. As a member of law enforcement, the Defendant took a vow to protect the public and uphold ethical standards in his professional and personal life. He violated these standards when he without cause and for his own personal entertainment, procured an unauthorized law enforcement stop on me when at the time I was unaware that it was my boyfriend pulling me over. When I included these incidents in my citizen's complaint to the CHP, they conclusively found that the Defendant had misused his position and misidentified himself. As he is a peace officer, he owes a duty to the public, and as I am a member of the public he owed that duty to me. When he committed these actions, he not only intentionally caused me emotional distress, but his careless and reckless disregard for my well being negligently inflicted distress as well. Therefore, I believe he is additionally liable for NIED.

--You can review the conclusions made by the CHP in Attachment SIX of your packet.

--You can refer to Attachment THREE, which includes letters from two separate therapists who have treated me. I redacted my personal information from the letters, but I have a clean copy if you require one.

--My medical expenses to date have been summarized in Attachment TWO through the date of filing, October 9th.

--I have a detailed graph which itemizes each visit to the doctor or therapist. I also have a second version which details my expenses through this week.

Also during our relationship, while the Defendant was a guest in my home, he attacked me and forcibly applied a set of professional handcuffs to my wrist. This is the grounds for my cause of action related to Battery, Assault and False Imprisonment. This was done without my consent, and scared me horribly when it happened. I demanded he remove them, and he refused. The handcuffs were locked with a key, and my wrist was too big for me to be able to simply pull them off. I tried a variety of negotiating tactics to get the Defendant to remove the handcuff, but he refused. We argued for a period of approximately twenty minutes followed by him, forcing me to involuntarily accompany him to a local restaurant, where he again refused to remove the handcuffs unless I went with him inside, which after more failed negotiations, I did. When we returned home he finally removed the handcuffs with his key. This incident lasted an hour or so.

In light of these factors he is liable for Battery, Assault and False Imprisonment.

As I discussed all of the causes of actions Your Honor do you have any questions for me?

The judge then turned to Matt, and asked him to "Go ahead" or "do you have anything to say," or something like that. He did not have a speech prepared, and sort of rambled. He did not speak as long as I did. (I think I spoke about 20 minutes. I had rehearsed it at about 11 minutes, rushing, but when the judge told me to slow down, I slowed WAY down.) Matt spoke maybe 5-7 minutes.

*He openly admitted to the relationship, but he called it an "extra-marital affair."

* He openly admitted he lied to me about his name/identity, and that he had never told me his real name.

*He openly admitted that we had talked about marriage and children, but very loudly clarified that we did not have a date set for our wedding, and that he had only ever said "someday." (???)

He used the email I sent his wife to claim our relationship ended in October, 2009. This is not true. Our relationship ended the day of discovery when he sent me a text message saying he "didn't want a wife or a girlfriend right now." At the time he didn't know I knew he had both. I had put in an order for 30 yards of white silk from Joann's from my wedding dress and had been talking to my friend about her mom helping us make a pattern so we could design my dress from scratch. I had gotten quotes from two photographer's, Ravenberg, and the Sloan's. I had also contacted a videographer.

Suuuure, we weren't together at all.

I was really upset when I wrote about this last time because I was afraid that by me not providing the evidence that we were together through August 2010 I harmed my chances of being about to win for Fraud. I went out to dinner with my attorney a few days after the hearing (yay me! I went out!) and I realized that I was okay with losing based on legal merit. If I lost because I had no legal standing for my case, that was okay. But if I lost because I was unprepared for court, I could not handle it. That's why I freaked out.

Anyway, through our talking we both remembered/realized the statute of limitations on fraud is three years, not two. So even if Matt successfully convinced the judge our relationship ended almost a whole year earlier, it didn't matter. I stilled filed within the three year deadline, AND fraud is calculated based on the date of discovery anyway.

Matt also argued this was a he said-she said. I thought this was stupid. I had paper evidence and through all my anxiety and upset I still almost rolled my eyes when he said this.

Matt flat our denied the handcuffing incident. I was shocked. I am still shocked. He also claimed the CHP backed him up that this never happened. (Not true, CHP said they couldn't discipline him for it because it happened off-duty. They also called him "boorish" in relation to that incident.) He flat our perjured himself. THAT HAPPENED. He handcuffed me. I am not dreaming that up. Under oath, he lied. He flat out lied. But it wasn't until that moment I realized I had no proof it happened. But I swear on a stack of Bibles, that man tackled me, handcuffed me and took me to PIZZA HUT. My wrist was locked with a key and I could not get it off. He did not take it off until we got home. We never mentioned it again and I pretended it didn't happen.

In reference to this, Matt said I was being creative or exaggerating--- neither of those words are right, but he used a pretty phrase that basically called me a liar. Which I didn't realize until I left court, which made me a little angry. Who are you calling a liar?!

This post is long enough. Next time!

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Monday, December 10, 2012

Going to Court, Part 1

Although everyone said I did really well in court, I did not feel adequately prepared. Everything was put off until the last minute. I couldn't find clothes, I couldn't find someone to do my hair, I was running around making copies the night before. I didn't get to start writing my speech until almost midnight the night before and was nearly hysterical as I had not been able to reach my attorney. I cried off and on the whole day before and was extremely stressed. This is exactly what I did not want for this day.

I did manage to get my copies done, organized into a binder organized by my talking points. I made copies of items I did not want to present to the court unless Matt tried to deny them, but I brought them in case he did.

I found a top at Target the night before, showered, dyed my hair and blow-dried it before I went to bed. My mom, dad and his wife all came in to town that afternoon.

I got up a little late on the morning of, after 5:30am. I couldn't find something or other, and was about 15 minutes late picking up my mom.

About half way there I realized I had forgotten my Xanax prescription that morning and started to hyperventilate on the freeway. My mom grabbed me and made me slow down my breathing and calm down my crying. I was just so freaked out.

We got there and parked facing the court house door so I could watch as to when it opened, and to make sure we were the first ones there. I knew the court house door wasn't open yet, so my mom and I stayed in the car. I opened my binder and it blew up in my lap. A ton of my pages fell out and my mom tried to grab it and I screamed at her STOP STOP STOP STOP! Then I burst into heaving tears and apologized over and over- I hadn't meant to yell. I was just SO tense and SO freaked out. She tried to help me get everything back where it was supposed to be, and held it tight so it wouldn't break open again.

A couple minutes later I noticed a car pull up about 5 spaces to our right, with a woman driving with dark hair like mine, and a man in the passenger seat. I instantly thought, "It's them." But then had to redirect my mind that it wasn't. I turned away, and then my Dad and his wife, and then my friend Cecilia pulled up. We all had our cars lined up in parking spaces next to each other, and rolled down the windows to talk back and forth. We planned to have everyone sworn in, in case there was a question of our proof of service (Cecilia did a sub-service on him, so she could attest to that), and the rest all had witnessed my emotional distress.

I looked up and suddenly realized that the people who had been in the car a few spaces over had gotten out and were walking up to the ramp of the courthouse. They were holding hands. He was wearing something dark, and she had a red sweater on. That's all I saw. I knew it was them.

I was upset, but tried to look away, and Cecilia was already asking me another question about something else, and I was trying to practice my speech one last time. Then I saw they had been let into the building, they were the first ones there, which upset me. We had gotten there so early so that wouldn't happen. I had a specific plan about where I wanted everyone to sit in the waiting room so we could be first in the court room door and could snag the first row of seats behind the Plaintiff's podium so even if my family didn't stand up with me, they would be RIGHTTHERE with me.

I hurridly read through the rest of my speech and got out. This is when the chaos started.

I had put a towel down for my mom to sit in in the car, but not myself. I had cat hair and dog hair and lint all over my black skirt suit, and was trying to get it off so I didn't look like a mess. My dad and his wife seemed to be picking each individual piece of hair off my jacket like it was some kind of science experiment. (DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND URGENCY?) They were also laughing, and joking, which I did not take kindly to.

This was serious for me, I don't care if it's "small claims." You treat this experience with reverence and respect out of your respect for ME and how much I have repeatedly told you it means to me. I actually took my jacket away from them and had Cecilia lint roll it, and we started walking into the court. I looked over, and my dad is wearing a t-shirt, with his button down open and hanging everywhere.

"Um, you need to button your shirt."

"Oh, no I'm not wearing this, I'm just wearing the t-shirt."

"We are going in to COURT. Please button your [button down] top."

"This is not formal, it's not a big deal or anything." Then he laughed.

"We are GOING IN TO COURT. BUTTON YOUR SHIRT NOW. EVERYONE ELSE IS DRESSED APPROPRIATELY. BUTTON YOUR SHIRT." I turned on my heel and walked next to Cecilia and just ahead of my mom. I was so pissed he was not taking this seriously. If he had tried to walk into the courthouse (I do not CARE if it is in a portable.) just wearing a t-shirt, I would have asked him to leave. My mom said afterwards she was startled he wasn't in a suit. So was I. My dad lived in suits most of my life, and he certainly wore a suit to my sister's hearing a few years ago. I asked my mom and everyone else what they would be wearing, I did not even worry about my dad because I knew he would be dressed appropriately. But he wasn't.

I didn't hear it, but I guess my mom overheard the conversation between him and his wife-
"Did Emily ask you to button that shirt?"
"Well, yeah, but I'm not wearing this button down, I just had that on to warm up a little. I'm wearing this t-shirt."
"She asked you to button it. Button it. Now."

So I guess he did. And then when I ran into the bathroom (I was having horrific diarrhea from nerves and needed to cry and pull it together), I guess he went in the men's room and tucked his shirt in too.

Why bring a button down if you don't intend to wear it? Why in the heck would you ever think it is okay to wear a t shirt to court? My dad is 70 years old. He knows better. It really hurt my feelings that again, I was not given the same respect as my siblings have been in their life challenges. I was very anxious about something like this happening with him and his wife, and it did, but it was okay I guess. He buttoned his freaking shirt!

I got sick in the bathroom, tried to clean myself up, mopped up my tears (you should always, always, always try wearing liquid eyeliner for the first time in your life when you plan on crying a lot and have no idea how to apply it.) and when I walked out of the bathroom-

Yes, my family sat in the row of seats closest to the court room door like I told them. But did they sit in the seats closest to the door? NO. They sat all the way at the end, as far from the door as possible but still in that row. Why does that matter beyond nit-pickiness and not following my anxiety-ridden directions? The seats they left for me to sit in FACED Sydney and Matt.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

I started to spaz out again, and then Cecilia and I ducked to some seats around the corner where we couldn't see anyone and I started raging about my idiot family.

This is where Cecilia snorted and said that, "Watching you interact with your parents is like watching a science experiment."

I laughed out loud at that.

My dad came around the corner, and wanted to know what was so funny, and tried to crack some jokes. I didn't remember what he said, but all I could think was, I am trying to focus here. Please take this seriously. Just stop. You're making me tense and distracting me from what I need to do. Then he started in with the anxious head/hair ruffling and pulling up his pants. I wanted to scream. Cecilia realized my whole body was shaking and trembling- I hadn't even noticed.

Then they called us in!

I rushed around the corner to go in with my family, but Matt and Sydney had sat so close to the door they were immediately behind my mom. I practically RAN to get in ahead of her so I wouldn't walk in behind them, but I think I ended up walking in in front of Matt. I was totally shaking. We went right to the front and there was the usual shuffling around figuring out who was going to sit where.

I wanted my mom, Cecilia and Daniela in the front row (two strongest emotional supports + attorney) but Daniela wasn't there yet, but initially my dad and his wife went there, and I groaned. After some shuffling my mom, Cecilia, my dad and I ended up in the front row, and his wife in the second.

They called roll, and we were first on the list. FIRST. They then informed us that we would have to exchange all paperwork/discovery we would be presenting with the other party prior to our hearing beginning because the case was so long. Everyone had apparently discussed it already. When the mediator called to see who wanted to mediate, I raised my hand, as I had planned, but she pointed at me and said, "I will NOT work on your case. Sorry." And gave me a look like, Holy crap are you guys a screaming mess.

This is where I got thrown off, and what I am having a lot of trouble coping with and letting go of now.

I had made copies of absolutely everything that could potentially be relevant. But I didn't want to give things like, receipts that listed my doctor's name, the date of my last pap, my medical record number, etc., unless I needed to, to contest something he said.

So there I was, frantically flipping through this HUGE binder, that kept breaking open and the pages falling out as I very haphazardly tried to pull out the pages I needed out of the page protectors. The baliff was standing right there, which of course made me anxious, and then I felt pressured to get it all out as fast as possible. I had timed the pulling out of each relevant sheet of paper during my speech, so I was totally thrown trying to pull out 58,284,957 papers while they started calling other cases since I was taking too long. I felt hugely pressured and flustered.

This is where I made mistakes. I didn't pull out every piece of paper because it was taking too long. I also got confused and thought my citizen's complaint from the CHP wasn't needed. I had forgotten there were three other documents attached to the set of pages that had the citizen's complaint on top. I also didn't know that Matt intended on claiming our relationship ended the previous October based on an email I sent him in the fall of 2009. The Citizen's complaint detailed our relationship in total, and showed that my story was consistent.

In contrast, the CHP's copy of my statement was wrong, and manipulated the dates. It also made it sound like our relationship ended in October. I had sent a correction to the CHP, and that was in my initial filing, but the info in the statement was wrong.

When Matt sent his paperwork over to me, the only thing he had was the email I had exchanged with Sydney that detailed our relationship. I saw some things were highlighted, but I skimmed it only briefly to verify that they hadn't altered my email. I did see it had been moved into a word doc and that the time stamps were gone. I had brought the same email, but mine had time stamps, and our profile pictures in the body of each message. Since they were submitting the email, I did not think I needed to submit my copy of the message. It looked accurate to me, so I said okay. I held on to my copy.

Tonight I went through my papers and reviewed the emails I had exchanged with Sydney again. My copy is close to 10 pages, and is in small print.

Matt's copy was half that length, in a much larger font, but included the beginning and end of my message. They removed the middle. The part where I described in detail how we got back together in the Spring of 2010 and were a couple through the summer.

Why does this matter? The only questions the judge asked Matt were in relation to the fraud. Specifically, he asked him did he lie about his name, when did he tell me about his double life, when did I find out about it, if he didn't tell me and when exactly did our relationship end? There were several questions about when our relationship ended and Matt claimed it ended in October of 2009, because in my letter to Sydney, I stated we broke up.

In the next paragraph, I talked about how we stayed in contact, stayed committed to each other, and patched it all up and worked it all out by February of 2010.

When I spoke verbally, I described this, and assumed the letter they had backed me up. Had I remembered to submit my citizen's complaint, it would have also shown the consistency of my story.

But I didn't. I didn't know. I didn't realize what they did. I also did not know I should take notes when he spoke and I felt overwhelmed and upset afterwards because I couldn't keep track in my head all of the things he was lying about or that I needed to respond to and I missed my chance to respond to that stuff.

Anyway we are up through me rifling through my papers in the court room. That's Part 1. I needed to talk about the above because I am really upset about it. I want to let go here, I want to just... release it. And I am dwelling and beating myself up for my mistakes and I don't want to. I want to not care.

Therapy tomorrow, maybe that will help.

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Thursday, December 06, 2012

VE DAY

Not Victory in Europe, but Victory for Emily Day is tomorrow! Tomorrow is my hearing, at 8:15am PST. We probably won't get started until 9:00am, and the whole thing will be done by 10:15am.

My speech is timed to 10 minutes in length. Which is WAY longer than anyone else's I heard last week, but no one had as much stuff going on as me.

Pray for me. Hope for me. I know that as in accordance with the law that I cannot win, but if I can go and stand up to my attacker, that I will have won. And that's all I need.

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