University of Oregon Master's Commencement

I know we thought this day would never ever come, but it did! I graduated! I was pretty anxious leading up to graduation because I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to have the perfect party and have everybody come and I REALLY wanted to make it a big deal and a big celebration. It was really frustrating to me in planning this that despite giving some of the closest people in my life 6+ months notice, people bailed out at the last minute and left me hanging. I heard a lot from people that "graduations are boring," and "nobody goes to them anymore." Almost always these comments were a follow up to me sharing how important mine was to me and how excited I was for this day. I found this so incredibly rude. Unlike many other life cycle events- weddings, for a simple example- graduations celebrate ACHIVEMENT. And by LORD did I work hard for this. The degree itself was a lot of work, but getting here, to this point in my life, and overcoming all of those hardships was another matter entirely. I am incredibly proud of all that I have accomlished, and I am grateful that I believed in myself enough to get out of California and into a new life. It was the best thing I could ever have done for myself in terms of healing and truly helped me move on and grow as a person in a way I don't think anything else really could. Yes, therapy, and medication and getting a dog and working and having hobbies- all awesome things. But starting over was by far the best choice for me.

 Sandwiched between Connor and Kouang right in the middle.

For a program as small as ours (around 20 graduates this year), our commencement is extremely intimate and very special. Every person you see in this audience photo (or almost everybody,) is someone I know. My friends were all sitting together, and Connor's family and our friends were all in the same section together. Only our department graduated that day, and each student was spoken about individually. It's truly special. The law school hosted appetizers, drinks and a bar afterwards as well. They really go all out.

 So, this is another long story entirely, but there was a lot of drama with our graduation speaker. Our school wanted to bring in an outside person, but we had had a lot of staffing changes the second year of our program and had lost our old director- he had essentially been forced out of the program. Connor and I teamed up, and asked if our old director could be brought back to give our commencement speech, because we all had felt something akin to little lost lambs that year and really wanted familiarity and guidance from someone who knew US. Unfortunately it was made clear that this was not something that could happen because of the circumstances under which our director left- he was essentially force out of the program by our new director, who wanted his job because she thought she could do it better, or that it should be done differently. A person I might add was the advisor on my thesis and refused to meet with me. In two years of attending this school, in a tiny building where everybody knows everyone, I met the woman ONCE. She refused to meet with me to advise on my project- something that is literally in her job description. She then did not show up to my defense, jeopardizing my ability to graduate. Connor and I, armed with knowledge started a petition to have our director speak at graduation, and with a few mis-steps, actually won this fight. Connor has said a few times, it was really me who got this done, and it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't done this (I made the mis-steps which forced the law school's hand in allowing the speaker change to happen.) While I really did not acknowledge how heavy my role was in this publiclly, in all honesty Connor is probably right.

What I will say about this experience, which overall was exhausting, upsetting, offensive, and frustrating, is that having our old director speak was the BEST thing ever. I was so anxious up until that moment, but during his speech, I felt felt my whole body relax. At one point, he turned to the audience on the other side and apologized for not facing them, but that he needed to turn and look at his students because WE were the ones that needed to hear him that day. That moment was so incredibly meaningful... It was amazing. The director and I don't really mesh, but I will be forever grateful that he gave us those moments and filled the emotional hole so many of us had experienced that last year after being abandoned by the administration.

My pretend baby brother Connor was elected as class speaker, and I was so proud. He spoke about one of our first assignments we ever had as students- writing about Forgiveness. In our Philosophy of Conflict course, a summer class taught by an Oxford professor, we read the book "The SunFlower" by Simon Wisenthal. It is, in part, about a Holocaust victim, and an SS man. Connor and I have both had difficult journeys in our personal relationships with others, and forgiveness is such an important theme in our lives. I wept as I sat in my chair and heard his important words. He did a good job and I was so proud of him.

 Then came the moment I wasn't exactly excited for- they called my name, I stood and they talked about me for several minutes! It was rough! They called me the Clark Kent of the program, with my double life (so funny given my history) as a student, mediator, and wedding photographer. I sort of looked like I wanted to die the entire time they were talking and my phone blew up with messages like, "You look truly troubled."

In the main commons, (where the exercises were held) quotes from each of the graduates flashed up on the screen throughout the ceremony and during the party afterwards. Mine:

I now have duck feet!

And all of my wonderful friends from Oregon!

 I was so, so happy to get a shot with both of my boys! Kouang will probably fall off the planet and never be heard from again but HA I got the photo before he disappeared!

Joanna and Stephanie (and Claudia) came from Southern California and of course all 4 of my parental figures and my Aunt Dorothy came too!

And my favorite picture from that day- of just me!

We all went to Plakntown Brewery after for dinner. It was so very nice, Sarah's grandparents came in addition to my friends. It was perfect and just what I wanted!I felt like we got the spirit of Springfield and it was the perfect closing to my time in Oregon too.

The Hot Buttered Rum Run 12k (#14 of 14) Grief and Mourning

It was our very last race of 2014!!! November 30th, 2014 in Vancouver, Washington! The grand finale to all of my and Sarah's hard work all over the state of Oregon- we wrapped up our big adventures just over the border! I honestly didn't do much to train for this race other than walking the dog regularly, but I did finish the race!

 

The big stop in the middle was waiting outside the bathrooms for a lady I ended up bonding with. I promised to wait for her, and I did! It was very cold and by the end I was pretty much walking all of it (or it felt like it). I was just so cold and tired! And it was so windy!

 

 

This race was the Saturday after Thanksgiving. On the Thursday before, my friend Natalie who I had known since kindergarten, and who had lived around the corner from me all of my childhood- her mother died from brain cancer. I felt numb. I had messaged my parents on Wednesday night letting them known Sandy was going home on hospice if they wanted to go see her- the family was asking for visitors. But Natalie posted on Facebook Thursday morning that Sandy was already gone.

 

My best friend Kristin's dad Jerry had already died in August, and that had been so overwhelming I had just gone into "helper" mode. Another good friend whose mom died too young had helped me make goody bags to entertain all of the kids at the funeral so the grown ups could just focus on taking care of themselves, and I had just tried to pitch in and help wherever I could. Jerry always treated me like a spare kid- even added me and labeled me on Facebook as one of his children (a loving act I didn't feel I could acknowledge without upsetting my parents, but one that endeared me to him forever.) Sandy dying unleashed those feelings much more so. That was Thursday.

 

On Monday (before Thanksgiving) I had been at school talking with the program assistant in the office and said goodbye and walked out of the building to go home. My phone beeped with a text message from my friend Kristin, Jerry's daughter. It said, " Did you see Kelly Dorn died."

 

My brain talked to me like it was a separate entity from my body. I heard it say, "Do you want to go to your car and be in private when you react to this? Or do you want to go back into the office and be with people? You have about 20 seconds to get where you want to be, and then it will be too late."

 

I met Kelly Dorn in 7th grade. She was a really good friend. She was a fellow wedding photographer . She asked me to shoot her wedding actually (I was booked though; something I will always regret), and came to me for advice regularly. Kelly came to my birthday parties, was a confidante, and signed my year book every year. We sang in choir together, took craft classes and had dozens of mutual friends. Her best friend Barbara was another mutual friend. Kelly used to read this blog. Kelly knew all of my secrets.  

 

When Kelly delivered her daughter 4 years before her death she was diagnosed with a fatal heart condition (PPCM) Peri/Post Partum Cardiomyopathy. Her heart functioned like an old person's. With careful care and monitoring she could live awhile, but Kelly didn't have great coping mechanisms with the stressors in her life and probably shortened her life because of it. Her husband came home from a late shift at the hospital and she was gone. She had been home alone with their daughter at the time. It was the first night their daughter ever slept through the night without climbing in bed with mom and dad. Ever. Tender mercies.

 

The day I found out I stared at my phone for a second, and then turned around and ran back into the law school. I wanted to be with people. I didn't want to do this alone.

 

I burst back into the program assistant's office and said "My friend died. Close the door."

 

Another student was in the office- a student whose parents had passed away a few years ago and she reached over and closed the door. They both looked back at me wide eyed- horrified at my words.

 

Then I lost control.

I hyperventilated.

I sobbed.

I shook.

 They tried to put me in a chair or on the floor and tried to get me to slow down my breathing until I just started crying that everybody dies, and why does everybody have to die? 

 

I don't remember much about being there. I don't really remember anything else about the rest of the day. Sarah picked me up at home that night.

 

Saturday I ran Hot Buttered Run, and I ran it with this shirt I made.

The front said, "You are so dear to me." And the back said, "Jerry, Sandy, Kelly."

 

About halfway through the race a woman struck up a conversation with me about my shirt and I told her about all three of my friends who died, and we talked about them for the whole second half of the race. I cried off and on, but I finished.

 

And that's all that really was important about that day.

 

 

One Mile Treadmille Test Day #2

On Tuesday of this week I mentioned I was trying to improve my running speed by doing 1 mile running tests on the treadmill every few days. Previously, my race PR had been 11:51. I had never ever run remotely close to that while training, so it was very exciting to me, but I can't maintain that pace, or beat it. Until now!

So on Tuesday I did my first test and I brought my time down to 11:27. I was THRILLED. I had started to think my time wasn't improvable. I'm so excited I found something new and simple to try that requires little effort (catering to my lazy personality) and is giving me immediate results!

Today I had a pretty busy day. I am getting ready to head on a trip, my friend will be staying in my house so I had to clean, I've been dealing with some fairly serious legal issues that I had to work on, and I was experiencing an unprecdenteded amount of facebook drama with both family and friends- both of which were upsetting and distracting. Beyond that, I also had class and had to pick my friend Sarah up at the airport. She was supposed to come in on Tuesday, but her flight was diverted in the last 30 minutes of the three hour flight due to FOG! (Isn't that awful!?) She missed two extra days of work, on her own dime (damn United, they didn't even pay for the hotel!) until they could get her back here today/Thursday. She spent two days in a crappy Denver hotel room staring at the walls and eating take out.

Anyway, I rushed to try and get out to my complex gym before I had to take the dogs on a short walk around the block and then head to my swing class! I didn't really have time for my 5 minute warm up walk, so I just walked a couple of minutes while I fixed my ponytail and got my music ready. As soon as I had it, I cleared the machine, hit QUICKSTART! and bolted. I ran so much faster this time, it was amazing. I had so much more confidence that I could make it and I pushed myself much harder. I kept looking at the machine speed and thinking, WOW, am I really doing THAT?! The first time I was keeping around 5.3mph, but this time I just bumped it to 6.0mph (around a 10 minute mile/at a 1 incline) right away because 5.3 felt so easy. I did have to take my walk break much sooner- around the 6:20 mark (Tuesday I made it all the way to 8 minutes), but I took a shorter break and got my speed back up again. I took another walk break around the 9 minute mark.

I was a little worried with the two walk breaks that I had slowed my time too much, so I really pushed myself at the end, and was, again, STUNNED at my time:

An 11:18 mile?! That's so crazy for me! Also that I beat my time from Tuesday by 9 seconds?! Crazytown! I'm so excited!

I do have to say, I am well aware that running on a treadmill is much easier than road running, and also that the miles can be short. That said, I made a point to run on the same treadmill both times so far, so I'm hopefully the distance is at least consistent even if it's not quite a mile. I am also ensuring I'm staying at least a 1 incline. All of that said, this is doing so much for me. It's reassuring me that I have more potential in this body of mine. It's also giving me instant gratification in my training. Rather than working a YEAR at C25k and only getting through 4 weeks of it (and wanting to die every second of it), I feel totally gratified in just competing against myself. I also don't always have time to run, but taking out 15 minutes to do a mile test is pretty easy and I still had time to walk the dogs!

I'm so excited!

Running Goals

In 2014, I raced a grand total of 14 races and around 60 miles. My year end total mileage was around 700. (Map My Fitness stopped recording most of my work outs- not sure what the glitch is- it recorded my 12k/7 mile races as only 2 miles, for example...)

I'm proud of what I've accomplished, but there's more I want to do. I've had a lot of trouble improving my paces, for example. My worst race was around 53:00 minutes, which was my Runs for Cookies 5k last January. I was really proud though, because I had run the entire first mile. (In over 15 minutes). My best time was around 38:00 minutes, which was in early fall. I'm consistently hitting around the 40 minute mark (Between 39-42 minutes) but I haven't PR'd in a long time now, and I'd like to try something different to try and improve.

I've been working on the Couch to 5k program since last January. (Yes, an entire year) Because of my trouble with my knees, I've just taken my time and haven't pushed myself too hard. I have truly followed the program in that, if a week felt too hard, I repeated it... over and over. I'm up to week 4 now...

When I did C25K in 2008 or so, I pounded through it in 6-8 weeks and I felt amazing. I also messed up my knees and was banned by three separate doctors to never run again. And I didn't, until 2012.  (You know you're a "real" runner when you do it against doctor's advice...)

Part of what I think the problem is is that I've been 100% being doing road running. I don't like road running much. I really prefer the treadmill. I love going to the gym and people watching and watching tv, and being able to stare at my speed on the 'mill while I do it. It's a social thing for me. Also, when I had a gym membership, I always made myself do weights afterwards. Without a regular gym these last 18 months, I haven't done any weight training in all that time. I went with my friend to the Provo Rec Center at the beginning of December and did a little bit of weights there and was so happy! However, I find it phenomenally boring to do at home, and I have no clue where the dumbbells I have are, anyway. (I can only imagine how the lack of overall body strength affects me in running.)

So this was my idea: Run ONE mile, 5-7 days a week on a treadmill. (I wasn't sure if I should do it every day, and then I missed today, so would 5x a week be good?) My goal would be to run the ONE mile as fast as I could, and try to beat my previous time. My PR mile record before my New Year's Eve race was 11:51. So my goal was to beat that. I headed to my complex gym Tuesday morning to run my ONE mile.

I brought my ipod for music, and I walked for 5 minutes as a warm up. Then I cleared the machine and cranked the speed to a whopping 5.3mph. ;)

I was able to maintain that speed for I think 8 minutes, which is a really, REALLY long time for me. (In a race, my goal is to run the first 5 minutes and I don't always make it.) I took a quick break (walking, with the timer still going) and then cranked it up some more, and then got some adrenaline flowing and tried to finish strong.

My mile time was 11:27, even with a walking break!!! I was THRILLED!

So my goal for next next is 11:27 or better.

I did 5 minutes ( actually might have been 10 as I sort of spaced out walking, I was TIRED!) of cool down walking, and then I did the weight machines that I knew how to use.  I missed today, but my goal is to do the same thing at my apartment gym tomorrow.

Let's see how this goes!

Food Stuff and the 25 Pound Difference

I've been having a darn hard time with eating the last few days- and I mean that in two ways.

For one, I've had the flu the last 10 or so days, which means that I was having a hard time even hitting 1200 calories because I just wasn't hungry. I couldn't even smell my food and there was no fun in it. I might have been enticed if someone had delivered me Happy Meals (my beloved "sick" food item... Yes, I know that makes no sense, but it's a sort of comfort food item from childhood, so it all kind of works around!) but since there was no delivery person available (still single over here) and also I'm broke, that was not in the cards. Hitting 1200 at a minimum was carefully planned and I made up at least half the calories per day in cookies. Kid you not.

The other side of this is, while I am still definitely sick, I am no longer running a fever and got up and ran errands today. I felt good yesterday too. Where did that lead? To me wanting to binge all day long. Granted, I'm not doing horrendous... but I logged 1900 calories in food yesterday and I gave up logging today at 1600 because I couldn't even remember all of the things I had bit, nibbled and tasted all day long.

Tomorrow I want to make a plan to eat decisively all day. I will try to consciously get up and eat breakfast, rather than laying in bed whining to myself. I am hoping if I eat more earlier on, it will make a difference in the late night snacking. I'm also hoping it doesn't rain tomorrow. The humidity from the rain made it near impossible for me to run yesterday and I turned home after I started having an asthma attack. (Something which hasn't happened in years and I was totally unprepared for.) If it's not rainy and not quite so humid, my hope is I can make another attempt at a training run (1 year in and I'm on Week 4 of Couch to 5k...) or at least a long (4-5 mile) walk with the dogs.

The last few weeks have seen a decrease in my physical activity- mostly due to weather and being over-scheduled, but also some changes in my eating. I developed some weird problems this fall and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It seems like I've developed something similar to acid reflux, although I wouldn't quite label it as that. When I eat particular foods, I have gotten a very fast- and intense- stomach reaction which mostly leads to me throwing up. With the help of a friend, we figured out raw tomatoes were a huge trigger point after I vomited up my entire dinner from a great sit down restaurant we went to in Bend after our Cosmos 7K race in September. Probably about 15 minutes after I had finished eating and we had gotten into the car I had to pull over and run in a gas station to be sick, and was sick the whole way home afterwards. (Sarah drove). It was really awful. I've tried to avoid raw tomatoes since, but have also had trouble with high-fat foods, or things that seem like they would produce gas. If I eat even a little too much, my stomach bloats and I have excruciating pain unless I head it off with a gas pill- I'll throw it back up. It's made me a lot more contentious of portion size and pacing myself while I'm eating. I haven't been to the doctor and at this point, don't plan to. It seems that with behavior modification I don't have a problem and I'm not interested in allergy testing or going on any medication. My suspicion is this has something to do with the dietary changes I made when I started dieting this year and maybe I gave myself a sensitivity or something. My gut says (har-de-har-har) that it will go away with time, or I'll figure out how to manage it.

These things said, I've done really good on my weight this fall, and my one year total loss is just over 25 pounds! That puts me squarely half way to my goal weight. On the one hand, I'm thrilled and so excited I have gotten down this far. On the other... I know it's at about this weight I usually get stuck, and then end up gaining it all back, so I also feel a little paranoid. What makes this time any different than the other couple times I've been down this far? (2004 post-college and 2010 post-Matt are the only times since junior high my weight has been in this range.) Another thing... both previous times at this weight (181/182) I was around a size 10. I'm currently a size 14. I find that wildly disappointing. This weird 30 year old puberty I went through where everything seemed to shift around seems to have left my belly hanging out in the cold. That is a HUGE bummer. Especially since I have been exercising, it's not like I don't have muscle mass... Apparently my belly doesn't care what the rest of me is doing, I guess.

So, my plan is to keep running down these next 25 pounds. I'm hoping it doesn't take a whole additional year to get there, but if I make it at all, it will be amazing. Just to even lose 3 pounds before the new year would be amazing... I'd be in the 170's, I'd be the weight on my driver's license (made up when I put it there in high school... Truly, I picked a random number. I probably weighed 210 at the time.), and I'd also officially cross over from "obese" to "overweight" on the BMI scale, which is something I would be proud of, regardless of the reliability of that measurement. 170's and below are really unfamiliar territory for me, as when my weight was that low before, it only lasted a few days or weeks before I rebounded. (Again, I'm nervous) I'm also really excited though, too. I'm hopeful those smaller pant sizes are more forthcoming in the pounds to come!

Here I am so far, as of 6-7 pounds ago. The "before" is from my sister's wedding and the dress was not flattering and I returned it afterwards. My clothes in the second picture are much more form fitting since I had just finished my 12k!

**Edited to add this second set of pictures. I'm wearing the same top in the before/after, but different pants. It's sort of startling to me how LITTLE difference there is after so much work and time.. but I do see the difference. I just kind of have to squint and cock my head to the side a little... ;)

First Kiss with K.. 1Hell

Yep. I know you've been wondering and I've been trying to catch you up!

K and I have been hanging out since July, but I just could not figure it out because he was so hot and cold with me.

On Halloween, my friends and I went to a big law school party called 1Hell, which is a fundraiser for first year law students (1L's). It was held at a terrible little rat hole restaurant all Kalloon's, which is probably the last place in Eugene willing to take us because there is a history of law students doing serious damage (because their lives suck so bad they have to drink heavily to cope with life and then make poor choices), including doing things like peeing on the bar. Yeah, apparently that's happened the last three years. (Not this year, though, PHEW!)

I debated about dressing up as the Dean of the law school (LOL) and even got his permission to do so. But ultimately, I went as my favorite person... An In n Out employee!

Skylar, Sarah, Chloe, Karen and I all got ready at Skylar's house, and then went to K's for a pre-party. K was really drunk and was there with a few friends, including this girl who will be forever known as "The Unicorn." (Because that was her costume... a footsie pajama'ed unicorn costume!). They seemed really into each other and both Skylar and Karen's first reaction was that they were involved with each other. I wasn't too worried, but I noticed the heavy duty interaction.

At some point I went and stoof by K to talk to him and he slipped his hand around my waist... Which REALLY surprised me, but then I thought... He's really drunk. It's nothing. However, when we went to say good bye, after all of my girls were out the door, K held the door sort of half closed and then hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek.

I then proceeded to freak out the entire way to 1Hell.

Yes, PROGRESS, but uh... On the cheek? What does that mean? At the last football game together, I had kissed him on the cheek a couple of times (I also accidentally punched him in the face...) and there were all of these "moments" where we would stare at each other and I just kept thinking, KISS ME ALREADY. But it always felt like he was holding back. It was so confusing and I could not figure out why he was so restrained.

I remember very little of1Hell, but all of my friends were there. Connor came, my girls were there and lots of other people I knew. At some point, Skylar came up to me and said she felt the need to inform me that K and the Unicorn were definetly sleeping together and it was really obvious. I had been doing pretty good at staying away from him and ignoring him, but when she said this, I got really upset. I walked around the dance floor and he was out there dancing by himself. I tried to pass him by, but he grabbed me and pulled me out there with him.

As soon as my feet hit the dance floor, he grabbed my face with both hands, pulled me in close to him and kissed me.

...

He held my face and told me he wanted to be with me and kissed me again.

...

Because I want to keep this post G, I'm going to skip over the part where I freaked out and cried in the bathroom while Skylar was sick, and sober Chloe (she's allergic to alcohol) drove me to his house later that night bawling about how freaked out I was about him kissing me. We ended up making out at his house. Guess I didn't skip over that part.... ;)

K kissing me felt like such a relief. It also felt really natural and comfortable. While I totally flipped my lid, it did also just feel good. I was scared when I thought about all of it, but actually being together felt safe. I had so much anxiety but it was okay. As Chloe posed to me when I was on the floor of the bathroom, "Do you feel safe with him? Do you trust him? Would he EVER do anything to hurt you?" As soon as she asked me, I knew I was okay with it and that's how I ended up at his house.

That kiss on the dance floor was truly one of the most exciting and dramatic kisses of my life so far. It was such a culmination of feelings. It was really special. I won't forget it.

What sucked about this entire story is after that night... Nothing happened. We helped Sarah move into her new house the next day- all of us extremely hung over and awkward with each other, but there was no communication between him and I about the things that he had said to me. I found it kind of bizarre, but he has always been that way with me, so I just waited.

About a week later we went to an on campus concert together, got drinks, and he walked me to my car and I drove him home. At that point we still hadn't talked about anything, and I felt like I needed to force the issue because he wasn't being assertive. He had told me all this stuff that night about having feelings for me, and wanting to be with me, and yet nothing, again was happening.

Then there is this LONG AWKWARD PAUSE.

"I really don't want to jeopardize our friendship and I really don't think we should be anything other than friends."

My face, for sure, was blank. In my head however you could have heard the WTF's from a mile away.

Calmly, I said okay, and I understood, but then, with some hestation asked him WHY he had said all of that stuff at 1Hell. ...Then he asked me what exactly he had said.

Turns out he did not remember any of it. NONE of it. The only thing he remembered was me "showing up" at his house. He didn't remember that it was by his own invitation, or that he had poured out an emotiona vomit of feelings for me. Regardless of what he had said, or what he truly felt or didn't feel, he didn't want to go forward with anything.

My feelings were hurt, for sure, but, overall I think this was good. It was really difficult for me to get involved with someone at all, and this sort of panned out to a toe dipping in the water. Like a practice run, if you will. And I think the good thing about all of this is that when he says that he considers me a friend and wants to keep it that way... I actually believe him. I don't doubt at all that we will remain friends. I hope I'm not wrong on that, but I'm pretty sure he can be trusted on that.

On to the next.