The whole time we were dating, Daniel and I had never been facebook friends. At first, I wasn't even interested in friending him, and never asked to do so. I know he had tried to find me on Facebook a few times and had had trouble doing so because my personal profile is fairly well hidden. The night he finally figured out my facebook name was pretty hilarious because I felt like I could literally see the lightbulb shining over his head!
The day of his motorcycle accident was the day he extended the friend request my way, but he had said several times he wanted for us to wait for us to be friends until after he took the MPRE because he was concerned it would be a distraction for him. I sort of raised by eyebrows over this but said I could give him a grace period of sorts. That period went sour pretty quick and this was the argument I initiated over text the week before. I had started feeling a little insecure over the whole thing but I didn't really understand why. I saw the man every day. We spent every available non-school, non-working hour together. What on earth did it matter if I had access to his social media? In restrospect I'm sure this was an internal cue that something was amiss. After we DTR'd the previous week though, he had sent the request over, and this absolutely cooled my jets on the topic. I just needed the gesture. In turn, I could give him the space he asked for by not immediately accepting it until after his exam. I just needed to know he wanted me and everything was okay.
After he took the MPRE (an ethics exam for lawyers), we had a date the following day at my house and were hanging out. I turned to him a bit flirtingly and said "Some random guy tried to friend me on Facebook and I'm thinking I might accept!" He looked confused for about half a second and then his eyes twinkled at me and he said, "Oh you mean ME!" And so, cuddling on the couch together watching Gilmore Girls, I accepted his friend request and we sat and went through each other's profiles, asking questions and browsing and chatting about this and that. Getting to know each other on a social media level, if you will. He didn't have a ton on his profile so I was pretty well satisfied after a few minutes and gave him some smooches and we went back to watching our show and chatting, per usual. It was nice and low key and lovely.
Daniel has really long days on Mondays so he did not spend the night that Sunday so he would sleep well for his 6am cross fit class and long day at school. I walked him out the front door, and as I did so he paused and said, "So once I go, are you going to snoop through my profile?" And I laughed and said, "Of course not, what else is there to look at? I already looked at everything!" And we kissed and hugged and said goodbye. He walked over to his car in my driveway and turned again and made another comment about snooping and said goodnight, and this... little flag went up in the center of my chest.
I went back in the house and sat on the couch holding my phone in my hand and stared at Gilmore Girls on pause. "I'm going to restart the show," I thought. Then I just sat there. For 40 minutes.
It was like he had showed me his card. I knew there was something there or he would not have made those two comments. Daniel knew my full history with Matt, and he knew if there was anything to find, I would find it. But I didn't want to. And I trusted him. And what on earth could there possibly be to find?
I casually scrolled through his profile again. Nothing of note.
But I knew what I was looking for. So I plugged his name, and the first name of his last ex into the search bar, and up pulled the last time they had been checked into a location together. Not a year ago, like he had told me on our first date. But in May. Of this year.
My heart raced. Please not this again. My insides started to wail.
Maybe it was someone else with the same name? I clicked on the update... Nope. He had posted a photo of the two of them in the comments. He had been with this person this year. Not last year.
He had lied.
I've been down this road before and I know how to do this. I checked her out, and I checked him out and compared notes.
She and I had a friend in common and I did my detective work there too. The good news: there was no overlap between our two relationships. He had not cheated on either of us with the other. That was good.
But he lied about time line, and in reality this was not a guy who had taken a year to heal and was ready to move forward- this was a guy on the rebound. And not only that- this relationship he had just gotten out of, it wasn't just a relationship, it was an engagement.
This was news to me.
They had been engaged very briefly and from all accounts it was a shit show. In my opinion, they both rushed, they were not a good match, and I'm guessing she must have come from a conservative background because she had a rule that they couldn't live together unless they were engaged. So they got engaged the week they moved in together, and it blew up after about a month. There's a lot more to that story, but the story as a whole is humiliating. What I will say is, I don't blame him for not wanting to disclose that information. As my friend Connor said, if I had known at the time, I would have pumped the brakes. And Daniel liked me from the outset. He didn't want to scare me off. Sometimes when we are wounded, things just fly out of our mouths. After Matt, I told people he died. It would just come out, like a tick. I have empathy for it. I can put myself in his place and feel that pain. I never knew how to untangle myself from those accidental deceptions. I didn't mean to, it just came out. So I understood where he was coming from.
For me though, it was wrong he lied. On a generous day, I can say he misled me, or he fudged the timeline. But the truth is he lied. And that one lie- "I've been single for a year," begot another lie, and another. Because things needed to be explained. I tried to answer as many questions for myself as possible before going to Daniel and talking to him about it so I would be fully armed with information and would know if he was being dishonest when we discussed the situation. I also discussed everything with Connor and Kristin and tried to make a decision in advance as to whether this was a deal breaker for me.
And whether I was crazy for thinking it wasn't.
I was so hurt, and so upset, but also, I had compassion for him, and loved him and knew all the reasons that relationship had ended. And I hear the dilemma of maybe falling for someone sooner than you expected. I decided that if he came clean to me on his own that it would not be a deal breaker. But if he lied about any detail whatsoever, or didn't admit to it, the relationship was over.
I went to bed too, although I didn't sleep at all and faced a long day of faking it with him over text until I could see him in person. We didn't usually see each other on Mondays because of his crazy schedule, but I knew if I asked to visit he wouldn't say no. I felt quite bad over it because I know how drained he would be, and how he would turn for me for hugs and comfort if I went to his house, but I couldn't let the knowledge I had sit another day after that. So I laid in bed and waited for the morning to come, and the long day ahead before I could talk to him about what I had found. I couldn't believe I was here again.
Sunday, November 08, 2015
Thursday, November 05, 2015
Shopping Excursion!
In all of my years experience as the wonderful girlfriend ;) that I know I am, somehow I never had the experience of shopping with my significant other. Right after Daniel and I DTR'd he asked me to go shopping with him for an entire new wardrobe. My mind was absolutely blown at this request. Not only did he actually want to go shopping, but he wanted me to go with me... and he wanted my input. He actually wanted me present. Matt never shopped ever. (Probably because his wife was the one doing the shopping.... long pause....) and David didn't want me involved in his life at all. I was absolutely delighted. Even more delighted when I ended up behind Daniel at a red light and got to see him rocking out in his Volkswagen by himself, which was hilarious and adorable. (And yes I called him up right then and teased him about it. :)
We struck out at the first store trying to find something that worked for his body shape. I was a little surprised how similar it was shopping for men versus women in some respects. Some things just don't work on certain frames. He was a bit like a deflated balloon after the first store, but once we got him into Banana Republic it was a whole new ball game. I got to actually pick out things for him (!!!!) which was both exciting and intimidating for me, and go in the dressing room with him. I told my friend about it afterwards and she laughed and said, "Yeah, YOU'RE IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP!" I had never experienced such a thing before. It was awesome. He actually listened to my input. Even my bad ideas he went along with until I finally admitted the failure.
It was a lovely afternoon of credit card swiping (so much so he got fraud alert calls while we were out) and we dined at Boudin's after. But again, dinner got weird. While we were eating he mentioned something about an ex-girlfriend having lobster for the first time back east (where he's from) when she met his parents. I wasn't aware she had met his parents, as I had been under the impression it had been a short, non-serious relationship. We had also just discussed this person during our date at the HideAway the week before. It was not so much the content of what he was saying, but the way he said it and the way he primed me. "Well you probably don't want to hear this, but..." And then he would pause and look at me. And so I would prompt him, "Just go ahead." Because I wanted him to be able to tell me anything. And also, he was already saying it. So he went ahead and told me the story.
My internal barometer was reflecting back what he was feeling though and that was pure, raging anxiety. Something felt wrong about that relationship. He had been single for a year and the way he referenced this person felt off. Like it was unresolved or that it had been perhaps a more serious relationship than he had initially let on. I tried to shake off my worries at dinner but it put a damper on the high I had felt all day. Like he had thrown a stick in the spoke of my bicycle.
He had to go home to study for the MPRE so I walked him to his car and we hugged and kissed goodbye but he pulled away a bit and I told him, if you wouldn't fight me on the hugs I wouldn't stall so much- and he apologized for pulling away. Something just still felt off with him. But if I asked him about it, he would just say, "It's No-Fun November!" and that finals stress was getting to him, and the MPRE was a huge deal and he wasn't doing as well on the practice exams as he had hoped. And I of all people certainly understand law school stress. This was probably him just being freaked out over school. So I tried to be supportive and to not complain too much. I hadn't seen him go through exams before and he had cited concerns previously about my (or any partner's) ability to support him through such a stressful time. Law school kills a lot of relationships but we both hoped that my prior knowledge of the experience would leave me better equipped to cope.
So I kissed him goodbye and tried to let it go.
We struck out at the first store trying to find something that worked for his body shape. I was a little surprised how similar it was shopping for men versus women in some respects. Some things just don't work on certain frames. He was a bit like a deflated balloon after the first store, but once we got him into Banana Republic it was a whole new ball game. I got to actually pick out things for him (!!!!) which was both exciting and intimidating for me, and go in the dressing room with him. I told my friend about it afterwards and she laughed and said, "Yeah, YOU'RE IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP!" I had never experienced such a thing before. It was awesome. He actually listened to my input. Even my bad ideas he went along with until I finally admitted the failure.
It was a lovely afternoon of credit card swiping (so much so he got fraud alert calls while we were out) and we dined at Boudin's after. But again, dinner got weird. While we were eating he mentioned something about an ex-girlfriend having lobster for the first time back east (where he's from) when she met his parents. I wasn't aware she had met his parents, as I had been under the impression it had been a short, non-serious relationship. We had also just discussed this person during our date at the HideAway the week before. It was not so much the content of what he was saying, but the way he said it and the way he primed me. "Well you probably don't want to hear this, but..." And then he would pause and look at me. And so I would prompt him, "Just go ahead." Because I wanted him to be able to tell me anything. And also, he was already saying it. So he went ahead and told me the story.
My internal barometer was reflecting back what he was feeling though and that was pure, raging anxiety. Something felt wrong about that relationship. He had been single for a year and the way he referenced this person felt off. Like it was unresolved or that it had been perhaps a more serious relationship than he had initially let on. I tried to shake off my worries at dinner but it put a damper on the high I had felt all day. Like he had thrown a stick in the spoke of my bicycle.
He had to go home to study for the MPRE so I walked him to his car and we hugged and kissed goodbye but he pulled away a bit and I told him, if you wouldn't fight me on the hugs I wouldn't stall so much- and he apologized for pulling away. Something just still felt off with him. But if I asked him about it, he would just say, "It's No-Fun November!" and that finals stress was getting to him, and the MPRE was a huge deal and he wasn't doing as well on the practice exams as he had hoped. And I of all people certainly understand law school stress. This was probably him just being freaked out over school. So I tried to be supportive and to not complain too much. I hadn't seen him go through exams before and he had cited concerns previously about my (or any partner's) ability to support him through such a stressful time. Law school kills a lot of relationships but we both hoped that my prior knowledge of the experience would leave me better equipped to cope.
So I kissed him goodbye and tried to let it go.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Little Bumps
That week after Daniel returned from Yosemite was a little rough. I could feel that he was emotionally checked out and talked to a couple of friends about it. The difference from the week before- holding each other on the sidewalk after our date at The Rind- to this week was palpable. I suggested to Daniel that we have a date night set aside where we could have some solid bonding time, and an introvert day set aside for just him (and I separately) to be alone. He had spent quite a few days locked up in a hotel room with a bunch of classmates and really needed some alone time, and was thrilled with the idea. We planned our date for Friday, and his introvert day for Saturday. I was hoping this was a solid compromise to the disconnect I could feel we were having and would smooth out whatever little bumps he was having that were bleeding over into our relationship.
Wednesday Daniel had his tattoo appointment, Thursday I don't recall if we did anything, but on Friday we headed to the HideAway, the scene of our first date tryst ;) for dinner. I met my sweet heart at his house in a nice dress up dress and heels (fine, wedges) and headed over to south Sac for dinner. I got the exact same meal as last time- a Philly Cheese Steak sandwich with blue cheese crumbles and he had a beet salad. Both were excellent. The HideAway is a little divebar, and not exactly a place you would expect to have gourmet food but it is awesome. They play 50's music and it seems to attract a bit of an off-beat crowd. I love it!
I had really wanted this date to be fun, and lighthearted. This was something I had brought up several times and had gotten a bit tense over. I actually initiated an argument over text (something I am totally ashamed of) about this because Dan and I had this absolute tendency to be extremely serious with each other, and it was a bit draining. I think this was more than likely due to the fact that he was probably depressed and feeling down, and something I realized about myself from this relationship is that I really absorb other people's emotions. If my partner is down, I am going to detect it and reflect it back. That is not something I was aware of before, but it is something that I very much became aware of with Daniel. I think going forward this would need to be something I would have to be very cognizant of because I wear my emotions so plainly that I think it could (or perhaps even did) negatively affect my partnerships. Whatever Daniel was feeling I reflected back to him, which he in turn, felt amplified. This was not good for us and we needed to work on.
Despite all of my hopeful priming about a light hearted evening, our dinner conversation ended up turning into a deep, soulful rehashing of old relationships, heavy duty secrets and got super emotional for both of us. I think we were both really supportive of each other during the conversation, and it was bonding, again, but it was also really draining. I think the conversation also made Daniel feel really vulnerable with me and I don't know why but it made him pull away again. We handled it well, and again, my heart was so full of love for him, but he was I think overwhelmed. Whenever he would expose himself to me in this deep way, he needed some way to take space and recharge. It was almost as if he would scare himself with how close we were or how intimate our relationship was. I accepted him for all that he was and all that he shared with me. There wasn't anything that he told me that made me second guess anything that night, but for some reason opening himself up made him want to close himself back up. I don't know why. I know I am writing this very plainly, but I also have to say that the way he would pull back would probably barely be even detectable to anyone else. I felt like I could read him and knew him so well, and could tell what he was feeling so well that when he had even a flick of any feeling cross his mind that I could just sense it and couldn't help but respond or react to it. We were very emotionally entangled with each other and read each other very, very well. We also supported each other very well, in my opinion, and the more he shared with me I couldn't help but love him more. I certainly didn't love him any less although I think he was a little afraid of that. I accepted him just as he was. Flaws, tattoos, bikes and all. He was a package. And I liked what I had, very, very much.
We lingered over dinner for a few hours, talking, and then wandered up the street to Gunther's, the ice cream shop we had tried to go to on our first date, but it had closed before we got there. This time we actually made it in time!
I remember him being a little withdrawn and quiet while we were in line, but maybe my memory is deceiving me now. So much is lost when you write later on about things. We got our cones and wandered around the cute little neighborhood and then headed to Dimple, which used to be called Tower Records and went shopping for vinyl albums. This is something I had never done before and was SUPER fun. I honestly didn't even know this was a thing still and I really enjoyed browsing through the stacks of beat up Doobie Brothers, Fleetwood Mac, Everly Brothers and more albums and combing through the racks of CDs. I actually have a turntable, I just hadn't ever used it. Daniel bought a couple of Ryan Adam's albums and we went back to his little Victorian in midtown to listen to them.
While this date night was for sure not the smoothest, it was also one of my favorite dates we ever had. We were connected and intimate, poured our hearts out, and then laid there for hours and listened to albums. I spread across his bed and he played his guitar for me. At one point I was talking about something silly to him and he stopped me and said, "You know you are seeing a really private 'Dan moment' right now, right?" and I stopped and watched him instead. He wanted me to just be present in the moment and I shifted gears and tried to be mindful. We listened to "Live from Carnegie Hall," (Ryan Adams) and he played a million things on the guitar, including Wonderwall, which made me smile. That song (like it is to so many people I am sure), is very meaningful to me.
About 2:00am I had started to fall asleep listening to him and suddenly he patted me awake and said, "Okay!" ...As if it were time for me to go. It was 2:00am. I sort of stared at him. He had to be kidding. This was our bonding date. Why would I not be sleeping over? Also it was 2:00am on a Friday, on the night before Halloween. The only people out right now would be drunks. I gave him a look that made clear I thought he was insane.
"Well, I want to be able to start introverting as soon as I get up in the morning and I don't want to have to push you out the door first thing. "
"So you're going to hustle me out the door at 2 o'clock in the morning instead?!"
He dramatically flops over on the bed. "I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry. Please stay."
"Yes, yes, you are. But that is not consent, and it's certainly not an 'enthusiastic yes,' so I am not going to stay."
Both of us being present on college campuses, we had each had extended conversations about what exactly constituted consent. I had studied Title 9 issues when I was at University of Oregon, and of course there is a lot of material in the media at present about consent being an "enthusiastic yes," and as I said in that moment, "THAT was not an 'enthusiastic yes,'" and I was not going to stay the night because he felt bullied or pressured into it. I wanted him to want me to stay over because it's what he wanted, and no other reason. Period.
I started crying, and he got very upset and in all it was a fairly horrible way to end what was otherwise a very good date. He hugged me, and held me, and apologized profusely and asked me to stay repeatedly but I declined. He asked to walk me to my car and I weepingly and overly dramatically heaved out a hearty "NO!"
And he said, "Really?" in a bit of a worried tone. Walking several blocks in the dark to my car in the middle of the night was not something either of us thought was a good idea in general.
"NO!" I repeated, and crossed my arms over my chest like an pouty three year old.
He gave me a bit of a raised eyebrow.
So I sobbed out, "Well, you have to walk me to my car because I'll probably get raped but I don't want you to on principal!" And he laughed. He held my hand and walked me to my car and hugged and kissed me good bye and asked me to text him when I got home safely, which I did.
The next day we each took our introvert days and I for some reason ended up being very sick. I threw up all over myself in the bath tub the next morning and had a raging headache even though I hadn't had more than a couple of beers the night before (and basically beers that were all water- PBR equivalent). I spent most of the day in bed sleeping and feeling crappy. The date the night before confused me. I couldn't understand why we had spent the night getting so close and being so intimate and how it could have ended on such an odd note. I didn't understand what had happened or why he had pulled away. It felt so unnatural and incongruent to what had gone on between us up to that point.
Then around 6pm my phone started blowing up with text messages- apologies from Daniel. He was supposed to have spent the day studying, but instead had gone to the Bay and picked up his new motorcycle instead. Despite the fact he hadn't ridden regularly in several years, he had then in turn spent the entire day riding- long past his endurance point. Although he hadn't driven on freeways (imagine driving from the Bay Area to Sacramento on streets and country roads.... it took him over 3.5 hours to get back here) he still rode an excessively long period of time, and then had gone out of his way to keep riding even after he got close to home. (He drove all the way up to Auburn.) And then, over tired, had stopped at a stoplight or stop sign in a neighboring town (Roseville), forgotten to shift from 2nd into 1st, and then tried to make the bike go. The bike jumped, he flew off the back and broke off... something.... resulting in some gear shift issue, rendering the bike totally un-drivable. On the first day he had it.
"I can hear your smugness through the texts," he said. I couldn't help but laugh, because it was true.
But he went on to apologize, profusely for all of the rookie mistakes he had been making. Not just with the bike,but with me, and with our relationship. The push pull, the being emotionally distant, the booting me out at 2:00am. He told me how angry he was at himself for all of the stupid things he had been doing and he wanted to start making it up to me right away. He asked me if I would come out to where he had wrecked the bike and talk to him, but I told him no. He asked if I would come over to his house and if we could go to dinner, but I again told him no. I didn't feel well and I was totally unwilling to put in any effort into something he was ruining. He asked if he could come over and start making it up to me because he had been such an asshole and I said of course, my home was always open to him. So he said he would be over as soon as the bike got towed and started sending me pictures from where he was at. He had broken his toe (in a couple of places I suspected) and gotten some nasty road rash on his leg even though his thick jeans but was otherwise totally okay. I was just glad he was safe, and nothing worse had happened, and that hopefully this was the wake up call he needed, which is how he seemed to be taking it.
Once he got home, I got a facebook friend request from him. All of these months later and we still weren't facebook friends. Here we were, essentially in a committed relationship, and in love with each other (although undeclared) and yet we weren't even on each other's facebook's. It was absurd and one of the things I had become upset about. In the beginning, I hadn't been interested in being on social media with each other because I wanted to get to know him in real life, but at a certain point it became absurd that we weren't on each other's accounts but he said it would be a distraction before the MPRE. This seemed equally absurd to me but I tried to bite my tongue. My frustration had bubbled up over text the day before and seeing the friend request pop up over my phone gave me so much mental reassurance. So much so, that I didn't accept it. I decided I didn't really need it after all. The gesture was enough, and if he wanted to wait until after his exam, that was totally fine. So I just left the request pending.
Daniel got to my house after an hour or two and found me sitting in the backyard in the dark. He sat down in the chair opposite mine and put his hand on my leg and apologized again for all of the things he had done. It was cold so we went in the house and kept talking about things. We talked for a good hour and I challenged him on every single thing he said. When he said he really wanted to be in this relationship I questioned him good and hard. But he told me, he wanted to "jump" with me, and he was ready. That he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and he wanted to be with only me, and he was sure. He had feelings for me, and he wasn't really sure why he had struggled, but that things had just moved so fast it was scary, but the time alone was really what he needed to evaluate things.
So I begrudgingly agreed to be his girlfriend. ;) But I told him, NO BACKSIES this time. From the first week we dated he had swung back and forth on this commitment to me. Always behaving as if we were in a serious, committed relationship, but the language he used was absolutely inconsistent. And that inconsistency ultimately led to quite a bit of insecurity on my end. We saw each other every day. We certainly weren't seeing anyone else. And we were falling in love with each other. As fast or slow as it moved, why did it matter? Our behavior was clear- we were in a relationship. And as I had told him several times previously, I can give you a grace period on this, but regardless of what you call this, we ARE in a relationship. We are already there. We were from the first week. Call it what you want but we already are. Denying it is just an insult and an upset. Eliminating the back and forth was very important for me. I needed that security.
After our conversation I fully expected him to go home because I think he had a commitment the next morning or had to study or something but he actually asked to stay over and I was delighted. It felt like a band aid from the upset of the night before. Charlie (my beagle) actually forced Daniel into spooning him and Daniel woke me up early in the morning because he couldn't turn over because the dog was so tightly cuddled against him. "It's okay to just push him off!" It was adorable and hilarious all at once. :)
It was a rough week, but it ended on a good note. I don't really consider Halloween to be our anniversary because, truthfully we had been together since September. But it felt good to have that verbal affirmation of what had already been in our hearts for so long.
Wednesday Daniel had his tattoo appointment, Thursday I don't recall if we did anything, but on Friday we headed to the HideAway, the scene of our first date tryst ;) for dinner. I met my sweet heart at his house in a nice dress up dress and heels (fine, wedges) and headed over to south Sac for dinner. I got the exact same meal as last time- a Philly Cheese Steak sandwich with blue cheese crumbles and he had a beet salad. Both were excellent. The HideAway is a little divebar, and not exactly a place you would expect to have gourmet food but it is awesome. They play 50's music and it seems to attract a bit of an off-beat crowd. I love it!
I had really wanted this date to be fun, and lighthearted. This was something I had brought up several times and had gotten a bit tense over. I actually initiated an argument over text (something I am totally ashamed of) about this because Dan and I had this absolute tendency to be extremely serious with each other, and it was a bit draining. I think this was more than likely due to the fact that he was probably depressed and feeling down, and something I realized about myself from this relationship is that I really absorb other people's emotions. If my partner is down, I am going to detect it and reflect it back. That is not something I was aware of before, but it is something that I very much became aware of with Daniel. I think going forward this would need to be something I would have to be very cognizant of because I wear my emotions so plainly that I think it could (or perhaps even did) negatively affect my partnerships. Whatever Daniel was feeling I reflected back to him, which he in turn, felt amplified. This was not good for us and we needed to work on.
Despite all of my hopeful priming about a light hearted evening, our dinner conversation ended up turning into a deep, soulful rehashing of old relationships, heavy duty secrets and got super emotional for both of us. I think we were both really supportive of each other during the conversation, and it was bonding, again, but it was also really draining. I think the conversation also made Daniel feel really vulnerable with me and I don't know why but it made him pull away again. We handled it well, and again, my heart was so full of love for him, but he was I think overwhelmed. Whenever he would expose himself to me in this deep way, he needed some way to take space and recharge. It was almost as if he would scare himself with how close we were or how intimate our relationship was. I accepted him for all that he was and all that he shared with me. There wasn't anything that he told me that made me second guess anything that night, but for some reason opening himself up made him want to close himself back up. I don't know why. I know I am writing this very plainly, but I also have to say that the way he would pull back would probably barely be even detectable to anyone else. I felt like I could read him and knew him so well, and could tell what he was feeling so well that when he had even a flick of any feeling cross his mind that I could just sense it and couldn't help but respond or react to it. We were very emotionally entangled with each other and read each other very, very well. We also supported each other very well, in my opinion, and the more he shared with me I couldn't help but love him more. I certainly didn't love him any less although I think he was a little afraid of that. I accepted him just as he was. Flaws, tattoos, bikes and all. He was a package. And I liked what I had, very, very much.
We lingered over dinner for a few hours, talking, and then wandered up the street to Gunther's, the ice cream shop we had tried to go to on our first date, but it had closed before we got there. This time we actually made it in time!
I remember him being a little withdrawn and quiet while we were in line, but maybe my memory is deceiving me now. So much is lost when you write later on about things. We got our cones and wandered around the cute little neighborhood and then headed to Dimple, which used to be called Tower Records and went shopping for vinyl albums. This is something I had never done before and was SUPER fun. I honestly didn't even know this was a thing still and I really enjoyed browsing through the stacks of beat up Doobie Brothers, Fleetwood Mac, Everly Brothers and more albums and combing through the racks of CDs. I actually have a turntable, I just hadn't ever used it. Daniel bought a couple of Ryan Adam's albums and we went back to his little Victorian in midtown to listen to them.
While this date night was for sure not the smoothest, it was also one of my favorite dates we ever had. We were connected and intimate, poured our hearts out, and then laid there for hours and listened to albums. I spread across his bed and he played his guitar for me. At one point I was talking about something silly to him and he stopped me and said, "You know you are seeing a really private 'Dan moment' right now, right?" and I stopped and watched him instead. He wanted me to just be present in the moment and I shifted gears and tried to be mindful. We listened to "Live from Carnegie Hall," (Ryan Adams) and he played a million things on the guitar, including Wonderwall, which made me smile. That song (like it is to so many people I am sure), is very meaningful to me.
About 2:00am I had started to fall asleep listening to him and suddenly he patted me awake and said, "Okay!" ...As if it were time for me to go. It was 2:00am. I sort of stared at him. He had to be kidding. This was our bonding date. Why would I not be sleeping over? Also it was 2:00am on a Friday, on the night before Halloween. The only people out right now would be drunks. I gave him a look that made clear I thought he was insane.
"Well, I want to be able to start introverting as soon as I get up in the morning and I don't want to have to push you out the door first thing. "
"So you're going to hustle me out the door at 2 o'clock in the morning instead?!"
He dramatically flops over on the bed. "I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry. Please stay."
"Yes, yes, you are. But that is not consent, and it's certainly not an 'enthusiastic yes,' so I am not going to stay."
Both of us being present on college campuses, we had each had extended conversations about what exactly constituted consent. I had studied Title 9 issues when I was at University of Oregon, and of course there is a lot of material in the media at present about consent being an "enthusiastic yes," and as I said in that moment, "THAT was not an 'enthusiastic yes,'" and I was not going to stay the night because he felt bullied or pressured into it. I wanted him to want me to stay over because it's what he wanted, and no other reason. Period.
I started crying, and he got very upset and in all it was a fairly horrible way to end what was otherwise a very good date. He hugged me, and held me, and apologized profusely and asked me to stay repeatedly but I declined. He asked to walk me to my car and I weepingly and overly dramatically heaved out a hearty "NO!"
And he said, "Really?" in a bit of a worried tone. Walking several blocks in the dark to my car in the middle of the night was not something either of us thought was a good idea in general.
"NO!" I repeated, and crossed my arms over my chest like an pouty three year old.
He gave me a bit of a raised eyebrow.
So I sobbed out, "Well, you have to walk me to my car because I'll probably get raped but I don't want you to on principal!" And he laughed. He held my hand and walked me to my car and hugged and kissed me good bye and asked me to text him when I got home safely, which I did.
The next day we each took our introvert days and I for some reason ended up being very sick. I threw up all over myself in the bath tub the next morning and had a raging headache even though I hadn't had more than a couple of beers the night before (and basically beers that were all water- PBR equivalent). I spent most of the day in bed sleeping and feeling crappy. The date the night before confused me. I couldn't understand why we had spent the night getting so close and being so intimate and how it could have ended on such an odd note. I didn't understand what had happened or why he had pulled away. It felt so unnatural and incongruent to what had gone on between us up to that point.
Then around 6pm my phone started blowing up with text messages- apologies from Daniel. He was supposed to have spent the day studying, but instead had gone to the Bay and picked up his new motorcycle instead. Despite the fact he hadn't ridden regularly in several years, he had then in turn spent the entire day riding- long past his endurance point. Although he hadn't driven on freeways (imagine driving from the Bay Area to Sacramento on streets and country roads.... it took him over 3.5 hours to get back here) he still rode an excessively long period of time, and then had gone out of his way to keep riding even after he got close to home. (He drove all the way up to Auburn.) And then, over tired, had stopped at a stoplight or stop sign in a neighboring town (Roseville), forgotten to shift from 2nd into 1st, and then tried to make the bike go. The bike jumped, he flew off the back and broke off... something.... resulting in some gear shift issue, rendering the bike totally un-drivable. On the first day he had it.
"I can hear your smugness through the texts," he said. I couldn't help but laugh, because it was true.
But he went on to apologize, profusely for all of the rookie mistakes he had been making. Not just with the bike,but with me, and with our relationship. The push pull, the being emotionally distant, the booting me out at 2:00am. He told me how angry he was at himself for all of the stupid things he had been doing and he wanted to start making it up to me right away. He asked me if I would come out to where he had wrecked the bike and talk to him, but I told him no. He asked if I would come over to his house and if we could go to dinner, but I again told him no. I didn't feel well and I was totally unwilling to put in any effort into something he was ruining. He asked if he could come over and start making it up to me because he had been such an asshole and I said of course, my home was always open to him. So he said he would be over as soon as the bike got towed and started sending me pictures from where he was at. He had broken his toe (in a couple of places I suspected) and gotten some nasty road rash on his leg even though his thick jeans but was otherwise totally okay. I was just glad he was safe, and nothing worse had happened, and that hopefully this was the wake up call he needed, which is how he seemed to be taking it.
Once he got home, I got a facebook friend request from him. All of these months later and we still weren't facebook friends. Here we were, essentially in a committed relationship, and in love with each other (although undeclared) and yet we weren't even on each other's facebook's. It was absurd and one of the things I had become upset about. In the beginning, I hadn't been interested in being on social media with each other because I wanted to get to know him in real life, but at a certain point it became absurd that we weren't on each other's accounts but he said it would be a distraction before the MPRE. This seemed equally absurd to me but I tried to bite my tongue. My frustration had bubbled up over text the day before and seeing the friend request pop up over my phone gave me so much mental reassurance. So much so, that I didn't accept it. I decided I didn't really need it after all. The gesture was enough, and if he wanted to wait until after his exam, that was totally fine. So I just left the request pending.
Daniel got to my house after an hour or two and found me sitting in the backyard in the dark. He sat down in the chair opposite mine and put his hand on my leg and apologized again for all of the things he had done. It was cold so we went in the house and kept talking about things. We talked for a good hour and I challenged him on every single thing he said. When he said he really wanted to be in this relationship I questioned him good and hard. But he told me, he wanted to "jump" with me, and he was ready. That he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and he wanted to be with only me, and he was sure. He had feelings for me, and he wasn't really sure why he had struggled, but that things had just moved so fast it was scary, but the time alone was really what he needed to evaluate things.
So I begrudgingly agreed to be his girlfriend. ;) But I told him, NO BACKSIES this time. From the first week we dated he had swung back and forth on this commitment to me. Always behaving as if we were in a serious, committed relationship, but the language he used was absolutely inconsistent. And that inconsistency ultimately led to quite a bit of insecurity on my end. We saw each other every day. We certainly weren't seeing anyone else. And we were falling in love with each other. As fast or slow as it moved, why did it matter? Our behavior was clear- we were in a relationship. And as I had told him several times previously, I can give you a grace period on this, but regardless of what you call this, we ARE in a relationship. We are already there. We were from the first week. Call it what you want but we already are. Denying it is just an insult and an upset. Eliminating the back and forth was very important for me. I needed that security.
After our conversation I fully expected him to go home because I think he had a commitment the next morning or had to study or something but he actually asked to stay over and I was delighted. It felt like a band aid from the upset of the night before. Charlie (my beagle) actually forced Daniel into spooning him and Daniel woke me up early in the morning because he couldn't turn over because the dog was so tightly cuddled against him. "It's okay to just push him off!" It was adorable and hilarious all at once. :)
It was a rough week, but it ended on a good note. I don't really consider Halloween to be our anniversary because, truthfully we had been together since September. But it felt good to have that verbal affirmation of what had already been in our hearts for so long.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Prometheus
Daniel got back from his trip with ELS to Yosemite and was totally wiped out. And... kind of... withdrawn. He had spent Thursday-Sunday at this Environmental Law Conference (I was actually pretty jealous because an enviro photographer I adore was there, James Balog and if I had known I would have asked Daniel to get him to sign a book of his I had!)and while he seemed to have lots of fun- partying, hiking (He did not do the "death march" to Half Dome in a single day, opting just for a quick 5 mile hangover hike instead...), spending time with friends (I saw the photos of the fridge absolutely LOADED with booze and some of the party pics) Daniel is a bit of an introvert and needs alone time from time to time, and was sharing a hotel room with like, 5 girls or something. He got back so late on Sunday I didn't get to see him, and then he was up for cross fit at 5am the next morning and had class until late on Monday. To my memory he swung by quickly after class at 7:30pm or 8:00pm for a hug just so we could see each other and we might have watched a quick sitcom or episode of Gilmore Girls just to be together, but Daniel was visibly tired and out of it, and after so many days apart it was hard to watch him leave. I missed him.
The biggest thing that happened that week, of course was Daniel got a tattoo! I had really struggled with learning to accept Daniel's love of tattoos (and motorcycles) and had reflected hard on whether this was something I could learn to accept about him. I had been working on it, internally and talking with friends for the last couple of months and by the time the end of October rolled around we were actually planning out his tattoo together! Since I was going to have to look at the thing for the rest of my life, we both wanted it to be something I could deal with and that I would like, too. I really appreciated how much input he allowed me to have in the design and he actually changed some major elements based on my feedback, which really impressed me. I had never had a man so value my opinion before, or include me. It made me feel special, and important.
The appointment was scheduled for that Wednesday and I asked if I could come to the appointment with him and while he warned me it could be a little gory, he said I was more than welcome to come! So about half through it, (and puzzling through some cryptic text messages Dan sent me through the pain) I walked into my first tattoo parlor!
It was so much cleaner than I had expected; bright white like a doctor's office with beautiful artwork framed on all of the walls. Daniel was laying down on a table at the opposite end of the room behind the counter. When I got there I asked the artists if I could go back but they said I couldn't due to spacing constraints. This really bummed me out because I had driven about 20+ miles just to watch him get it done and from the angle I was at I couldn't really see anything. So that was frustrating. I wish they could have at least walked me back for a minute to at least let me SEE how it worked at least? What was even more frustrating was after I had been leaning on the counter for about 30 minutes craning my neck trying to see what the artist was doing (I could literally see almost nothing) another customer walked straight in, got waved behind the counter by Daniel's artist and came over and watched her for a couple of minutes. That infuriated me. I did try to pay very close attention to what I COULD see, however, and to notice everything I could. From the pedal on the floor (like a sewing machine pedal) to the instruments used, to the equipment, how fast she moved and how detailed she was- I tried to make the most of the experience for me. I also just enjoyed the fact that I got to be there at all. It felt intimate regardless. This artwork was going to be on his body forever. That's a big deal.
What WAS really special and memorable about the whole experience though, and something I will never forget is when I walked in, and Daniel and I saw each other, we simultaneously had full body reactions to each other. I don't know exactly what I did- but I felt my body react to him. Head to toe I had some kind of a physical reaction. What I can say is what I saw he did. He was laying on this table (picture a massage table) wearing jeans with his shirt off, and his whole body moved and jumped- like a whole body smile sort of. The artist actually had to pull back quickly when he saw me, and then she laughed at both of us as we reacted to each other because our reactions were so obvious and so full-body. I've never had that experience before. I felt rosy and glowy and literally... Daniel's whole body just glowed when he saw me. I won't forget that. I told him that later and he blushed. His body had betrayed his feelings for me. He couldn't hide it. It was a very sweet and dear moment. Both of our smiles were very big for each other. I loved that moment. It makes my heart happy, even now, remembering that.
It meant a lot to me that he included me in the process, because to him, tattooing is a private, meditative kind of thing. So to allow me there was a big deal. When he took a break he came over and we talked and I took a picture of it and I liked it a lot. I also felt so much more attached to the artwork and keyed into everything because I had been so involved in the process. It really helped get me on board with everything. I really enjoyed it.
I really would have liked to have stayed, but Daniel implied he wanted me to go. It was some kind of invasion of his space for me to be there I guess, and while he didn't directly ask me to go, I could tell that was what he wanted, so I left even though it did upset me. I was there for about an hour, but I called a friend after a little out of sorts. I couldn't understand why he asked me to come if he didn't want me there. Looking back on it though, I can reframe the experience to say that this activity for him was something private and personal and special for him to share with me. It took a lot for him to share it with me. It was also very helpful for our relationship for me to be able to be present for a portion of the process. But he also still needed to take care of himself and for him, he needed to focus on his own self care and to do that, he needed to be in the zone and be alone. He and I could always see each other after. And we did! He was sore and tired but very excited. I was still feeling a little sensitive about our days apart and the push pull... but I was happy for us to spend time together because that's where I felt most at home.
Here's the artwork before and after.
The original sketch included these red and teal polka dots... which really reminded me of a particular Dr. Suess book and led me to blowing up his phone with screen shots of the book. NAME THAT BOOK in the comments. ;) That is the major component he ended up changing by the way. :)
The above picture I took at the break right before I left and the below is the one Daniel sent me when he was all done! He ended up spontaneously getting a second small tattoo on his wrist of a lit match which I didn't even notice until later when I was running my hand over his wrist and noticed the healing skin, much to his amusement. He loved that he pulled a fast one on me. Stinker.
The biggest thing that happened that week, of course was Daniel got a tattoo! I had really struggled with learning to accept Daniel's love of tattoos (and motorcycles) and had reflected hard on whether this was something I could learn to accept about him. I had been working on it, internally and talking with friends for the last couple of months and by the time the end of October rolled around we were actually planning out his tattoo together! Since I was going to have to look at the thing for the rest of my life, we both wanted it to be something I could deal with and that I would like, too. I really appreciated how much input he allowed me to have in the design and he actually changed some major elements based on my feedback, which really impressed me. I had never had a man so value my opinion before, or include me. It made me feel special, and important.
The appointment was scheduled for that Wednesday and I asked if I could come to the appointment with him and while he warned me it could be a little gory, he said I was more than welcome to come! So about half through it, (and puzzling through some cryptic text messages Dan sent me through the pain) I walked into my first tattoo parlor!
It was so much cleaner than I had expected; bright white like a doctor's office with beautiful artwork framed on all of the walls. Daniel was laying down on a table at the opposite end of the room behind the counter. When I got there I asked the artists if I could go back but they said I couldn't due to spacing constraints. This really bummed me out because I had driven about 20+ miles just to watch him get it done and from the angle I was at I couldn't really see anything. So that was frustrating. I wish they could have at least walked me back for a minute to at least let me SEE how it worked at least? What was even more frustrating was after I had been leaning on the counter for about 30 minutes craning my neck trying to see what the artist was doing (I could literally see almost nothing) another customer walked straight in, got waved behind the counter by Daniel's artist and came over and watched her for a couple of minutes. That infuriated me. I did try to pay very close attention to what I COULD see, however, and to notice everything I could. From the pedal on the floor (like a sewing machine pedal) to the instruments used, to the equipment, how fast she moved and how detailed she was- I tried to make the most of the experience for me. I also just enjoyed the fact that I got to be there at all. It felt intimate regardless. This artwork was going to be on his body forever. That's a big deal.
What WAS really special and memorable about the whole experience though, and something I will never forget is when I walked in, and Daniel and I saw each other, we simultaneously had full body reactions to each other. I don't know exactly what I did- but I felt my body react to him. Head to toe I had some kind of a physical reaction. What I can say is what I saw he did. He was laying on this table (picture a massage table) wearing jeans with his shirt off, and his whole body moved and jumped- like a whole body smile sort of. The artist actually had to pull back quickly when he saw me, and then she laughed at both of us as we reacted to each other because our reactions were so obvious and so full-body. I've never had that experience before. I felt rosy and glowy and literally... Daniel's whole body just glowed when he saw me. I won't forget that. I told him that later and he blushed. His body had betrayed his feelings for me. He couldn't hide it. It was a very sweet and dear moment. Both of our smiles were very big for each other. I loved that moment. It makes my heart happy, even now, remembering that.
It meant a lot to me that he included me in the process, because to him, tattooing is a private, meditative kind of thing. So to allow me there was a big deal. When he took a break he came over and we talked and I took a picture of it and I liked it a lot. I also felt so much more attached to the artwork and keyed into everything because I had been so involved in the process. It really helped get me on board with everything. I really enjoyed it.
I really would have liked to have stayed, but Daniel implied he wanted me to go. It was some kind of invasion of his space for me to be there I guess, and while he didn't directly ask me to go, I could tell that was what he wanted, so I left even though it did upset me. I was there for about an hour, but I called a friend after a little out of sorts. I couldn't understand why he asked me to come if he didn't want me there. Looking back on it though, I can reframe the experience to say that this activity for him was something private and personal and special for him to share with me. It took a lot for him to share it with me. It was also very helpful for our relationship for me to be able to be present for a portion of the process. But he also still needed to take care of himself and for him, he needed to focus on his own self care and to do that, he needed to be in the zone and be alone. He and I could always see each other after. And we did! He was sore and tired but very excited. I was still feeling a little sensitive about our days apart and the push pull... but I was happy for us to spend time together because that's where I felt most at home.
Here's the artwork before and after.
The original sketch included these red and teal polka dots... which really reminded me of a particular Dr. Suess book and led me to blowing up his phone with screen shots of the book. NAME THAT BOOK in the comments. ;) That is the major component he ended up changing by the way. :)
The above picture I took at the break right before I left and the below is the one Daniel sent me when he was all done! He ended up spontaneously getting a second small tattoo on his wrist of a lit match which I didn't even notice until later when I was running my hand over his wrist and noticed the healing skin, much to his amusement. He loved that he pulled a fast one on me. Stinker.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Mom's Visit and I "come out"
Daniel left for Yosemite the next morning, and the next day my mom came to visit for her 50th high school reunion. (Some insanely high number.)
While this blog may speak otherwise, I am a pretty private person, and I do not share the details of my dating life or personal life with my family- basically, at all. They really only become aware of things by accident, snooping, or because I am experiencing some sort of mental break. Because of the sequence of events that took place when I dated Matt, I really wanted to try hard to involve them when I met somebody special the next time around. When I met Daniel, I called my dad after our second date (on the way to a wedding no less) and told him about this great guy I met and how things had been going. My dad was positive, delighted, and we had a great conversation about it. I was pleased at how easy he made it. (I expected otherwise.)
Now about 3 weeks-5 weeks in, depending on when you started counting (first correspondence? Or first date?) I figured mentioning it to my mom in person was probably the way to go. Especially since I really didn't want to do it at all, but since she would be there in person, I should just do it.
I think we went to lunch at Jack's Urban Eats, which is actually a spot Daniel and I loved grabbing take out later on when he was studying a lot at home and didn't really have time for a dinner date out, so I was a little shy about bringing my mom there. Like, I was taking her to a place where I was doing naughty things or something! But anyway, that's where we went, and about halfway through lunch, she rather curiously said, "So what's new with you?" As if she already knew I had been making out and pouring my heart and soul out to this music-crazed, tattooed, rugby playing, motorcycle-riding, man-child already.
And with a deep gulp, I said, "I started dating somebody."
I swear to you on a stack of self help books her eyes bugged so far out of her head she 1.) looked like a Pug and 2.) I thought she was going to choke on her lunch.
It took her a minimum of 60 seconds to somewhat compose herself and I again, swear to you, she looked so rattled it was hard not to laugh. I imitated her entire reaction to every person I possibly could for the next week.
I think after all was said and done after Matt, she never really thought I'd put myself out there again. And she just didn't really see that one coming. Or maybe she just didn't think I'd ever tell her. I don't know.
But she asked the usual questions about his bio, of which I gave a glowing report and she unsuccessful tried to restrain her glee. When I showed her a picture she burst out laughing. She liked his smile but the way the photo was cropped she initially thought he was bald. I dug up a second photo to prove that no, my 27 year old cub maybe-boyfriend did actually have a full head of beautiful brown hair, thank you. She asked me how many times we had gone out and I told her we had seen each other basically every day since we met and again, her reaction was over the top. She was very excited. I was very excited too, but I tempered my responses back to her with a "Well, we'll see what happens." Several times she asked to meet him and THANK GOD is all I can say is that he was out of town. I have this gut instinct she would have pawed him like a hungry tiger, but now in retrospect... nobody close to me got to meet him as my significant other and that's a milestone I missed. Because I was proud of him. I wanted to show off this little (ok, huge, tall, towering giant of a tree-man) darling of mine.
The advantage to that I suppose is, he was all mine for the time I had him. I might not have gotten to show him off, but he was all mine for every second we were together. Regardless of what he believed about possession in relationships. Emily doesn't like to share her very favorite things.
Having my mom there that weekend helped pass the time a little more quickly, as my wedding season had JUST ended, and spending every day with Daniel up to that point, or working left my days glaringly empty except for editing alone at home. I had plenty of that to do, but it was back to the isolating grind, which is something I pretty much detest. Daniel had no reception the entire time he was in Yosemite so we had no contact for almost 5 days, which was pretty much torture and I missed him terribly. Having mom there, tense relationship or not, helped.
The other component to this weekend, which is not really on point to this story, was some family history stuff came up between my mom and I. Not stuff I'm comfortable writing about, but extremely upsetting stuff that I wasn't aware of. Stuff she thought I knew about, but actually didn't, and I ended up having to pull over on the side of the freeway as I drove her to the airport at the end of the weekend to talk about. It was rough and I felt very drained trying to process it. I was anxious for Daniel to come back and for things to get back to normal, and also for my wedding season to TRULY end (editing and all) so I could focus on the job hunt and really use this fancy master's degree I worked so hard to get!
While this blog may speak otherwise, I am a pretty private person, and I do not share the details of my dating life or personal life with my family- basically, at all. They really only become aware of things by accident, snooping, or because I am experiencing some sort of mental break. Because of the sequence of events that took place when I dated Matt, I really wanted to try hard to involve them when I met somebody special the next time around. When I met Daniel, I called my dad after our second date (on the way to a wedding no less) and told him about this great guy I met and how things had been going. My dad was positive, delighted, and we had a great conversation about it. I was pleased at how easy he made it. (I expected otherwise.)
Now about 3 weeks-5 weeks in, depending on when you started counting (first correspondence? Or first date?) I figured mentioning it to my mom in person was probably the way to go. Especially since I really didn't want to do it at all, but since she would be there in person, I should just do it.
I think we went to lunch at Jack's Urban Eats, which is actually a spot Daniel and I loved grabbing take out later on when he was studying a lot at home and didn't really have time for a dinner date out, so I was a little shy about bringing my mom there. Like, I was taking her to a place where I was doing naughty things or something! But anyway, that's where we went, and about halfway through lunch, she rather curiously said, "So what's new with you?" As if she already knew I had been making out and pouring my heart and soul out to this music-crazed, tattooed, rugby playing, motorcycle-riding, man-child already.
And with a deep gulp, I said, "I started dating somebody."
I swear to you on a stack of self help books her eyes bugged so far out of her head she 1.) looked like a Pug and 2.) I thought she was going to choke on her lunch.
It took her a minimum of 60 seconds to somewhat compose herself and I again, swear to you, she looked so rattled it was hard not to laugh. I imitated her entire reaction to every person I possibly could for the next week.
I think after all was said and done after Matt, she never really thought I'd put myself out there again. And she just didn't really see that one coming. Or maybe she just didn't think I'd ever tell her. I don't know.
But she asked the usual questions about his bio, of which I gave a glowing report and she unsuccessful tried to restrain her glee. When I showed her a picture she burst out laughing. She liked his smile but the way the photo was cropped she initially thought he was bald. I dug up a second photo to prove that no, my 27 year old cub maybe-boyfriend did actually have a full head of beautiful brown hair, thank you. She asked me how many times we had gone out and I told her we had seen each other basically every day since we met and again, her reaction was over the top. She was very excited. I was very excited too, but I tempered my responses back to her with a "Well, we'll see what happens." Several times she asked to meet him and THANK GOD is all I can say is that he was out of town. I have this gut instinct she would have pawed him like a hungry tiger, but now in retrospect... nobody close to me got to meet him as my significant other and that's a milestone I missed. Because I was proud of him. I wanted to show off this little (ok, huge, tall, towering giant of a tree-man) darling of mine.
The advantage to that I suppose is, he was all mine for the time I had him. I might not have gotten to show him off, but he was all mine for every second we were together. Regardless of what he believed about possession in relationships. Emily doesn't like to share her very favorite things.
Having my mom there that weekend helped pass the time a little more quickly, as my wedding season had JUST ended, and spending every day with Daniel up to that point, or working left my days glaringly empty except for editing alone at home. I had plenty of that to do, but it was back to the isolating grind, which is something I pretty much detest. Daniel had no reception the entire time he was in Yosemite so we had no contact for almost 5 days, which was pretty much torture and I missed him terribly. Having mom there, tense relationship or not, helped.
The other component to this weekend, which is not really on point to this story, was some family history stuff came up between my mom and I. Not stuff I'm comfortable writing about, but extremely upsetting stuff that I wasn't aware of. Stuff she thought I knew about, but actually didn't, and I ended up having to pull over on the side of the freeway as I drove her to the airport at the end of the weekend to talk about. It was rough and I felt very drained trying to process it. I was anxious for Daniel to come back and for things to get back to normal, and also for my wedding season to TRULY end (editing and all) so I could focus on the job hunt and really use this fancy master's degree I worked so hard to get!
Thursday, October 22, 2015
When I knew I loved you.
All that week, I was wrestling inside of myself- I think I love this man. Do I love this man? Be sure. Are you sure? How do you know? Is it too soon? When is too soon? Can it ever been too soon? When do other people know?
We couldn't seem to stay away from each other. We'd make plans to not see each other on certain days so he could do homework. and then he'd drop by my place or I'd drop by his for a quick hug, or an episode of Gilmore Girls, or a Lethal Weapon movie date night while he did (or was supposed to be doing) homework. It felt magnetic. Being separated felt agonizing. And every time we were together, while it wasn't just fun and silly, and romantic, it was also always soul-baring. We told each other our stories, and bared our insides with an easiness that really wasn't known to me before.
Telling our stories and sharing our feelings came really natural and easy to both of us- With past relationships, or attempts thereof I have really had to check myself and think, "Can this person handle what it is I want to share with them?" or "Is it wise to be this vulnerable?" One of the very early compliments I gave Daniel, I told him, thank you for making it SAFE for me to be myself with you, because I have never had that with anyone, at any other time." Not even with my family.
There is this Emily Bronte quote, "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." That is precisely how it felt for me. He would look at my face searchingly, and know my feelings, or know if I was hesitating or holding back. "Whatever it is, just say it," he would tell me, and then I would. "I'd rather it be out than in." And same for me with him. Sometimes he would say, "Oh, but it is easy with me, because I wear my heart on my sleeve." That was true, but the difference with each of us was that we were each willing to ask the question and also prepared to hear the answer.
I can't even begin to express how rare a quality I have found that to be in other people. And how much I admired it in him.
Thursday October 22nd Daniel was leaving for Yosemite, so we planed a romantic date for Wednesday night at the Rind, on the 21st, with a sleep over so we could stay together right up until he had to go the next morning. Our relationship was at the peak of romance, and the thought of being away from him for 4 days without cell service was excruciating.
The Rind has a great deal on Wednesdays that if you buy a bottle of wine, you get a free cheese board. So we specifically wanted to go for that reason, beyond it just being a great experience the week before. I wore my navy blue and white graduation dress that I was wearing in my profile photo on eHarmony that Daniel had just adored- it was only the second time I had worn it, and Daniel called me silly, because it was such a good dress and I should wear it more often. We walked from his apartment to the restaurant holding hands. I wanted to wear heels again, but the walking did me in and I put on sandals.
We sat at a table in the middle of the restaurant, lit by candles, and I faced away from the door. This was a little ritual with us because I would get distracted by the comings and goings of people, but if we faced me towards a wall then I would be able to tune in more easily and not get distracted. :) It was never much of a problem, but we joked about it and just started always siting that way anyway. We ordered a bottle of Daniel's favorite New Zealand white wine, the cheese board, I got a lovely salad I think, and Daniel got the beet macaroni and cheese and we pretty much settled in for the evening. The cheese board was pretty funny, because Daniel is so obsessed with Australia that he wanted Australian cheeses, and Spanish cheeses also, so they based the cheese pairings on region, rather than flavor. It was pretty entertaining. We went through two bottles of wine, I think another cheese board, Daniel ordered a desert wine I think, and we shared a blue cheese cheesecake, which was amazing, made from Point Reyes blue cheese! It was incredible. The meal was amazing, but so was the conversation. We just sat and talked for hours. I think we sat in that restaurant for at least 4-5 hours. We talked about everything.
At some point the conversation turned to us and our relationship, and I said, but "I don't think we will-" And I trailed off, and he said, I know. You don't think we ever will break up." And we reached across the table and held hands and stared at each other for a minute and these big tears came down my cheeks. I could just feel the love I felt for him pouring out of my body and I could barely hold my feelings back. I loved him so hard, and I just knew this was it. My whole body and soul. I've never felt those feelings or sensations before. Not with anybody, not like that. Then just a funny, thing, I don't know if it was a part of that conversation, or a bit later, but I was crying at the table and I laughed and I said, "I don't know, I'm drunk!" And the owner of the restaurant walked by just as I said that and started laughing hysterically. It was such a great night.
Afterwards we walked next door to Ginger Elizabeth's again and he let me treat him to a little chocolate truffle and I got a cookie or two and we walked home holding hands. About halfway home we were talking about his tattoos again and he said, well, he had originally scheduled tattoos for about every two weeks this whole fall. And his voice trailed off, and he looked at me.
He hadn't gotten any tattoos since we had been together... That meant he had postponed his tattooing schedule for me. He wanted to give me a chance to get used to the idea; to get used to this part of him and get on board with it, because he cared about my feelings and was willing to slow his own schedule and priorities down for me.
I stopped and looked at him, and started to cry and just grabbed him and kissed him and we held each other there on the sidewalk for a long time. Again, that love just poured out of me. If it was strong in the restaurant, it was bursting at this moment. His care for me and my feelings meant so much to me. Nobody puts me first, especially not partners, and knowing how much his artwork means to him, that he would do something like that for me was such a testament to his feelings for me. So we just held each other on that sidewalk, so tight and hard, and kissed, and then walked the rest of the way home.
And I knew I loved him.
When we talked about that moment later, he told me the love was written all over my face. There was no holding back at all. Regardless of how things ended up turning out. I am so grateful for that night. It was beautiful and meaningful and that moment in the street was precious and dear and I am grateful I got to share it with my darling Daniel, who I so loved.
Daniel packed for his trip that night or the next morning, and I snuck a super silly handmade card into his bag with a photo of us from the Hideout- the shadow photo.. But the funniest thing, was Daniel never actually found the card. He was on that trip for 4 days, and I stuck the card at the bottom of his bag and he never found it. He came back from the trip, and I waited days and days, and still he didn't find it. Even one day when I was leaving his house, I asked him if he found anything in his bag and he said no, and looked confused, and he STILL didn't find it. The time after THAT I finally went through his bag, found it, and gave it to him.
This was the front of the card- we had had this conversation about "belonging" to each other, and Daniel didn't like the possession part of it, that people should be equal partners, which I agree with, but I also adore the concept of our beloved's hearts belonging and being entwined with each other. So on the inside, I wrote, "Not in the sense of ownership, but more like a deluded proclamation over the territory, like Columbus." Or something similar. It was something ridiculous and funny on the inside. It was my way of saying, my heart belonged to him.
And these were the two images I had printed through my professional printer and I included these two. I have a copy of our shadows printed also. I love it, but it hurts that that is all I have from a relationship that meant so incredibly much to me. The value of this relationship to me is priceless, but the remnants and evidence of it, are all but non existent. And that hurts so much. Oh, how much I would give to have more.
We couldn't seem to stay away from each other. We'd make plans to not see each other on certain days so he could do homework. and then he'd drop by my place or I'd drop by his for a quick hug, or an episode of Gilmore Girls, or a Lethal Weapon movie date night while he did (or was supposed to be doing) homework. It felt magnetic. Being separated felt agonizing. And every time we were together, while it wasn't just fun and silly, and romantic, it was also always soul-baring. We told each other our stories, and bared our insides with an easiness that really wasn't known to me before.
Telling our stories and sharing our feelings came really natural and easy to both of us- With past relationships, or attempts thereof I have really had to check myself and think, "Can this person handle what it is I want to share with them?" or "Is it wise to be this vulnerable?" One of the very early compliments I gave Daniel, I told him, thank you for making it SAFE for me to be myself with you, because I have never had that with anyone, at any other time." Not even with my family.
There is this Emily Bronte quote, "He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." That is precisely how it felt for me. He would look at my face searchingly, and know my feelings, or know if I was hesitating or holding back. "Whatever it is, just say it," he would tell me, and then I would. "I'd rather it be out than in." And same for me with him. Sometimes he would say, "Oh, but it is easy with me, because I wear my heart on my sleeve." That was true, but the difference with each of us was that we were each willing to ask the question and also prepared to hear the answer.
I can't even begin to express how rare a quality I have found that to be in other people. And how much I admired it in him.
Thursday October 22nd Daniel was leaving for Yosemite, so we planed a romantic date for Wednesday night at the Rind, on the 21st, with a sleep over so we could stay together right up until he had to go the next morning. Our relationship was at the peak of romance, and the thought of being away from him for 4 days without cell service was excruciating.
The Rind has a great deal on Wednesdays that if you buy a bottle of wine, you get a free cheese board. So we specifically wanted to go for that reason, beyond it just being a great experience the week before. I wore my navy blue and white graduation dress that I was wearing in my profile photo on eHarmony that Daniel had just adored- it was only the second time I had worn it, and Daniel called me silly, because it was such a good dress and I should wear it more often. We walked from his apartment to the restaurant holding hands. I wanted to wear heels again, but the walking did me in and I put on sandals.
We sat at a table in the middle of the restaurant, lit by candles, and I faced away from the door. This was a little ritual with us because I would get distracted by the comings and goings of people, but if we faced me towards a wall then I would be able to tune in more easily and not get distracted. :) It was never much of a problem, but we joked about it and just started always siting that way anyway. We ordered a bottle of Daniel's favorite New Zealand white wine, the cheese board, I got a lovely salad I think, and Daniel got the beet macaroni and cheese and we pretty much settled in for the evening. The cheese board was pretty funny, because Daniel is so obsessed with Australia that he wanted Australian cheeses, and Spanish cheeses also, so they based the cheese pairings on region, rather than flavor. It was pretty entertaining. We went through two bottles of wine, I think another cheese board, Daniel ordered a desert wine I think, and we shared a blue cheese cheesecake, which was amazing, made from Point Reyes blue cheese! It was incredible. The meal was amazing, but so was the conversation. We just sat and talked for hours. I think we sat in that restaurant for at least 4-5 hours. We talked about everything.
At some point the conversation turned to us and our relationship, and I said, but "I don't think we will-" And I trailed off, and he said, I know. You don't think we ever will break up." And we reached across the table and held hands and stared at each other for a minute and these big tears came down my cheeks. I could just feel the love I felt for him pouring out of my body and I could barely hold my feelings back. I loved him so hard, and I just knew this was it. My whole body and soul. I've never felt those feelings or sensations before. Not with anybody, not like that. Then just a funny, thing, I don't know if it was a part of that conversation, or a bit later, but I was crying at the table and I laughed and I said, "I don't know, I'm drunk!" And the owner of the restaurant walked by just as I said that and started laughing hysterically. It was such a great night.
Afterwards we walked next door to Ginger Elizabeth's again and he let me treat him to a little chocolate truffle and I got a cookie or two and we walked home holding hands. About halfway home we were talking about his tattoos again and he said, well, he had originally scheduled tattoos for about every two weeks this whole fall. And his voice trailed off, and he looked at me.
He hadn't gotten any tattoos since we had been together... That meant he had postponed his tattooing schedule for me. He wanted to give me a chance to get used to the idea; to get used to this part of him and get on board with it, because he cared about my feelings and was willing to slow his own schedule and priorities down for me.
I stopped and looked at him, and started to cry and just grabbed him and kissed him and we held each other there on the sidewalk for a long time. Again, that love just poured out of me. If it was strong in the restaurant, it was bursting at this moment. His care for me and my feelings meant so much to me. Nobody puts me first, especially not partners, and knowing how much his artwork means to him, that he would do something like that for me was such a testament to his feelings for me. So we just held each other on that sidewalk, so tight and hard, and kissed, and then walked the rest of the way home.
And I knew I loved him.
When we talked about that moment later, he told me the love was written all over my face. There was no holding back at all. Regardless of how things ended up turning out. I am so grateful for that night. It was beautiful and meaningful and that moment in the street was precious and dear and I am grateful I got to share it with my darling Daniel, who I so loved.
Daniel packed for his trip that night or the next morning, and I snuck a super silly handmade card into his bag with a photo of us from the Hideout- the shadow photo.. But the funniest thing, was Daniel never actually found the card. He was on that trip for 4 days, and I stuck the card at the bottom of his bag and he never found it. He came back from the trip, and I waited days and days, and still he didn't find it. Even one day when I was leaving his house, I asked him if he found anything in his bag and he said no, and looked confused, and he STILL didn't find it. The time after THAT I finally went through his bag, found it, and gave it to him.
And these were the two images I had printed through my professional printer and I included these two. I have a copy of our shadows printed also. I love it, but it hurts that that is all I have from a relationship that meant so incredibly much to me. The value of this relationship to me is priceless, but the remnants and evidence of it, are all but non existent. And that hurts so much. Oh, how much I would give to have more.
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