The rage of feeling unheard

I have a couple of friends- one a good friend I've known for a long time, and one I've known briefly and whom I'd refer to more as an "associate."

The first, I love. The second I like. Neither hear my words. I find this sometimes frustrating and occasionally infuriating.

With my beloved friend I have attempted to bring up some questions I've been having with myself about my lack of desire or interest in dating. I have taken a step back and begin to explore this on a larger level. I've had some serious traumas, sure. That affects me, sure. But... I don't really feel anything for others a lot of the time and it takes me quite a bit for me  to feel close to someone. I don't relate to folks who have crushes on celebrities or people they don't know or have just met. I need to know someone pretty well before I can feel really anything. Months of online "dating" or corresponding before I'm ready to meet or allow things to progress is very normal and even then things move at a snails pace. Forget physical.

I tried sharing some of my (deeply personal, extremely vulnerable) thoughts with her about this and she challenged me at every turn. The first time I brought it up, she appropriated the feelings and said she felt that way often too. She then launched into a hormonal, sexualized tirade expressing the exact opposite of my lack of interest-exemplifying she really had no idea what I meant. I felt frustrated I couldn't share or talk about something I felt very emotional and confused about. The second time I brought it up, I was more assertive, intentionally so, and she equally assertively told me what I was sharing was the "opposite" of how she had experienced my personality in my twenties.

This is untrue. First, no one knows what has truly gone on inside my head except me- or my relationships. Secondly, everything I've written above has always been true. I relate to having crushes on characters- because they have fully formed personalities you know, with back stories. But I didn't care about the actors- I wished the characters were real. I just felt totally ignored and cast aside in this conversation and for someone I've known for a long time and trust, I was frustrated.

On to the second vent.

The newer friend likes to project dating ideals on me. I've been very vocal about my absolute opposition to dating. I am done. I have been burned three times in 18 months. The break up with Daniel was crushing and losing Clifton is still so fresh, so sad and still feels like such an error- I have no interest in repeating these jaunts down emotional turmoil lane again. I do not speak in absolutes but I am now. I am not interested in marriage, kids, dating or even being touched. I don't want anything remotely resembling emotional vulnerability in my life again. I quit. The only thing I desire is contentment with myself, which is hard enough.

Having said this loudly and angrily and repeatedly not just after I realized Clifton was probably not coming back, but every single time I see her- this woman has continued to try to force dating scenarios on me. Staring with forcing apps on me. First she tried to spam me with some ridiculous (and expensive) new platform. I was ticked. Why would I want to be spammed, first of all? Secondly, I am still actively talking to Clifton. What is wrong with you? Even if I was interested, it's totally wrong on my part because my heart is obviously somewhere else. That's not the way to do things.

Then she's trying to pass off her dating rejects on me. That's right. This woman is several years older than me, we have zero overlap in who we would date- her type: education irrelevant, 40s-50s, divorced, kids, etc. If I were to date st all, which I am absolutely not, the kind of partner I'd be dating would be highly educated, childless, rootless or open to being so, an active traveler, never married and probably still learning about themselves. And very liberal. Someone who would be ready to commit but also ready to scoop up and start over somewhere new shortly. Someone still leaning. And definetly no more than early thirties.

I meet one of her dates at a concert- he's an old man. He makes aggressive comments against the homeless and mentally ill. He went to school online. His kids are in their twenties. He's at least in his late 40s. He "works freelance." (Are you unemployed?)

It doesn't work out between them and she is OVER THE MOON to set me up with him! WHAT? First, he's so old! Secondly, how many times have I said I don't want to date? And he was horribly offensive with the microaggressions against transient communities- it was gross. I didn't even want to hang out with him on her date! He was terrible! AND I DONT WANT TO DATE! I would have kept my mouth shut if she liked him but really? What exactly did she think we had in common? Beyond the fact I'm not available, we share no interests and he could literally be my dad.

I just want to be heard. Is anybody listening?

The thirty something single wanderer

What exactly is it that I am supposed to be doing right now?

I'm 34. I am single. I have a good, stable job that generates enough income to both pay my bills and purchase the occcasional plane ticket. I even get to blow money at Target from time to time and they haven't threatened to cut the power off in my house for months. I threw an extra $50 at my student loans last week. I don't want to be in a relationship again. At least not in the foreseeable future.

Now what?

I feel restless, depressed and unhappy. Something is missing. Maybe a lot of things are missing.

This dissatisfaction I feel overall is pretty high and I spend most weekends wracked with anxiety and crying over I'm not even sure what. Missing Clifton. Missing an emotional connection with anyone really. I'm not close to my family and while I would like to have that, we just aren't a match.

I went out last night with some friends and that was fine, but when it was said and done it didn't really feel like me anymore. Standing in a cold garage listening to a band play, I felt irritated and tired. I wanted to go back home and sit on the couch in front of the tv.

But when I am sitting at home, I feel anxious and tired. Sitting at home all day I am overwhelmed with emotional exhaustion and often fall asleep. What is wrong with me? Is this all just depression? Or am I running ragged?

I'm working over 50 hours a week on site at work and some hours beyond that at home. Then I'm taking 6 units at Berkeley. That requires 8 hours of commuting a week, which in turn requires a whole lot of decompression time. I'm an introvert and on my non-class days I really just want to be away from people. I do enjoy my commute, but I feel tired. My sister was diagnosed with cancer recently and it's very serious. But we also don't have a relationship and not to make excuses but my schedule overwhelms me when I try to think of some way to help. I would like to help and I offered to, but when I get to the days I am home, I am looking at 10 hours of homework. A trip to the grocery store for myself is difficult, let alone for someone else; cooking and driving 40 minutes elsewhere and delivering a meal in a timely manner seems impossible. Even writing that and thinking about executing or planning that again overwhelms me. And that's just the functional parts. That's not even touching all of the emotional baggage that goes with that interaction, which is huge and stressful. She and I are not a match for each other. I want to be there. But I don't know how to cope with any of this.

Back to the beginning.

I'm looking for something more. I would like to move. As my friend said, I have outgrown Sacramento. I am bored. I want more. I need something fresh. I also need emotional support and I don't have a support system here. My friends aren't here and the ones that are aren't really a fit. They are younger or older or in different life places. I don't have much in common with couples of any age-and their primary interest is in getting me coupled- or using me as a temporary escape from their partner. Squeezing me in here and there. Single folks much younger or much older have different agendas. I don't really know anyone in my same life place. I can't honestly think of a single person with a relatable position. So now what?

I started classes at Berkeley last spring but I haven't met a close friend in that group yet. One person I enjoy, but keep in mind, they live in the bay, and this many months in and I still don't have their email  or phone number. We aren't exactly besties.

I would like to move somewhere out of state. The mid Atlantic, or Northeast or Pacific Northwest. I'm not really sure. I'm at least a year from being able to make such a move, but it's on my brain. I would need to be really smart and calculated about doing such a thing. I'd have to complete my program at Berkeley first, and apply for jobs. The latter could take a year all it's own. I'm not sure. Getting this job took 18 months. I don't think I'd be willing to leave for a pay cut and living in a more expensive area or for a lower quality of life. I have it pretty good already- I would want equal or an upgrade. It's not an end all be all, but I want to keep moving forward career wise and get to where I want to be in higher ed.

Something else is missing though. I'm not really sure what it is though. Maybe that connection with another person? Clifton leaving me behind certainly left a huge void in my heart. He was such a huge emotional support and his absence is difficult. I miss him, every day. He was so good to me. It wasn't perfect, but it was so, so good and I really couldn't have asked for more. I think of those 7 months and it feels like a whirlwind though. I was like a little torpedo I was moving so fast. I feel like I was very demanding and needed so much all the time. I'm not sure if that's an accurate perspective but I feel that way right now. I always needed to be stimulated and to go out and be busy and I was always just... so fast. Now I move so slow. I always want to be home and do nothing and that feels good. Clifton would enjoy my rhythms so much right now. Laying in bed and doing nothing forever. This was basically his ultimate fantasy. I wish I could show him I like being quiet sometimes too. It's odd looking back on those months. They were SO HAPPY for me. Like I was so pumped full of happy hormones I couldn't slow down. I have no idea. Now I'm so full of sad I am just marinating in it.

I miss him. Maybe that's what I am feeling. All that remains now is the memories.

Personal Practice (Clifton)

[A proposal of words to say upon meeting after a shattering of hearts.]

Thanks for meeting me. 

I'd like to talk a bit before we do anything else. 

I need this for me. 

I feel like we are making a huge mistake here. 

I feel like I said and have been saying all of the wrong things and have been really rude and insensitive because I just didn't think how it would come off to you.  

It didn't really occur to me until the weekend but, when I thought I was trying to check in with you, it probably just sounded really complain-y and passive aggressive on the couch that night. 

When I really thought about it, it probably sounded like an ultimatum. Which is not what I have meant at all. All I wanted was to hear what you thought and I 1.) don't think I ever asked that question very well and 2.) I think you tried to tell me as best you could that that's just not something you can do right now and I could not hear you. 

That's mea culpa. 

I've never done this before and I know that's a really lame excuse but it's the truth and I'm really sorry for how that felt on the receiving end. It probably sounded like some kind of fucked up all or nothing and never in a thousand years did I think that. If I thought that's what a relationship had to be like, I can totally see being apprehensive about being in one. 

I'm really sorry I did that to you.

Clifton, when I told you I was committed, I meant it. Our relationship can be whatever we want it to be. We can set whatever boundaries or rules we want. If we each need more alone time to do stuff that's OK. This is our relationship and we set the rules. I had told you I was so bored lately. I realized in the spring I had class one night, yoga another and homework! My life was crazy. No wonder it feels so empty now. It's not your responsibility to fill every hole. 

I just love having my buddy to share life with and that's what I want to do. I need to find some balance here. I love being home but I need to find ways to be intellectually stimulated away from work because it's so stressful. I know you already have a lot of this figured out. I really want us to start fresh here. I really believe it would be a mistake not to. It would be a disservice to us both to not fully see this year out. Our relationship is the BEST and we have so much more to do with each other. I really do not care about the rest as long as I'm with you. 

<3 i="">

Easter Brunch at Evan's Kitchen

This was such a fun date! Clifton had been boasting of his bottomless mimosas with his roommate at a neighborhood joint in East Sac and I wanted in on the fun. I had honestly hoped to crash their party but the two of us ended up going together and that was just fine. I had never spent a holiday with a boyfriend before and it was really sweet and special! The bunny had left us baskets in the morning, and we had brunch after! :) It was a rainy day and the 57th Street Antique Mall was closed- Clifty really had wanted to take me, but we had such a sweet morning. I had a tri tip eggs benedict, but with the eggs scrambled because runny eggs are so gross to me.

We took so many pictures outside afterwards. Such a good, good day.

It is so nice being with someone who isn't shy of taking pictures with me! This has always been such an issue for me and this was just effortless!

He wore a red hat (Clifton)

Two months after Geoff and I broke up and after I found out he had rebounded with another girlfriend, I went back on OKCupid. I don't remember a whole lot about being back on there, expect pretty immediately finding this particular profile that struck my attention.

A witty, craftily written piece of prose that just prompted a response on my end. There were some deep in the weeds questions that sort of nagged at me, but I was simply giddy at the thought of writing this bearded man with the big black rimmed glasses. Three hours later his clever response sat in my inbox.

Back and forth our messages flew. For a couple of weeks we wrote each other and then we swapped numbers. I don't usually move this fast, but this going right, right from the beginning. It was easy, it was witty and the banter was fresh. Then one day, he owed me an email and didn't answer. Then the texts disappeared. I was disappointed, but I let it drop off. Thus is the nature of online dating. I assumed his relationship status had changed or it simply got too close to the holidays.

Almost six weeks later, I got a text- from Clifton! An apology for the delayed response and a flirtatious request for a date. We were back on. I slyly asked him what girl he had broken up with, but he denied it. He said things had been going so well between us he had gotten nervous with all of the pressure and it had turned into a "thing" and he hadn't known how to respond and it built into a situation where he just couldn't respond. It all sounded ridiculous, and yet, completely relate-able. Out on a friend date with his friend Alesha, she heard the story and demanded he text me on the spot, and apparently he did.

Our first date was fr Milkshakes at Vic's in Land Park. When he made the date I looked up the sweet little 50's diner and saw they closed a mere hour after our 8pm date time. I thought of mentioning this, but ultimately decided, he's the guy, let him steer it. For all I know, he planned that on purpose. it also leaves me with a smooth getaway if I don't like him.

Per usual, I was awash with anxiety on the drive over an by the time i walked up, I wanted to throw up. Then I saw him sitting outside the shoppe. With that red beannie. With... a little Indian girl pin? It turned out to be a pin of Rory Gilmore but I swear on my life it looked like a little Native American Girl pinned on this fire engine red beanie. With his bright red beard and harsh glasses. Why did he wear that hat?! I immediately thought, "NO!" and was grateful for the hour time limit. ...But then we started talking.

The jokes never stopped, and neither did the banter. I was full throttle on the jokes and suddenly found myself telling him about his book I had started to write once. How had we gotten on this story? He had a degree in English and liked to write and suddenly I found myself not quite pea-cocking, but being inadvertently vulnerable even though I hadn't quite meant to be. We drank our milkshakes, but Clifton had an uneasy eye on the soda jerks- they were cleaning up and he didn't want to hold them up. We were the last ones in the shoppe. We slurped up the last of our shakes and walked outside. We exchanged an awkward hug and I stammered out a few more quick comments before- in Clifton's words, sprinting to my car.

He had wanted to ask me for a walk, but never actually articulated the words. I felt I stood there awkwardly and he had made no motion or suggestion of another activity and I didn't want to stand in the parking lot alone after this mini date. I wasn't sure if either of us were interested so off I went.

Apparently we were both interested. We were just pre-heating.

I always find this odd plot twist with boyfriends to come. My immense hesitancy, holding back, refusal to cooperate and ultimately the feeling of "love comes softly." Ultimately this should be how I know this is the one who I am going to be paired with in short order but I never quite see it coming.  The gentle man with the silly red hat- he had plans for me.

The Only Guy I ever dated that I met in the Wild (Geoff)

August 13th I somehow rounded up a semi-large group of people to go to the BikeKitchen for the once monthly free concert. It's a fundraiser of sorts of the Bike Kitchen, which I guess is a cooperative and community learning business that allows people to work together and learn how to repair their own bikes. Something like that. On the second Saturday of each month when the weather is nice, they have three bands play for free and they have $3 beers and free snacks. I had been going with Raj all spring and after that friendship exploded into tiny little pieces (literally an explosive phone call in which he criticized me in detail because our friends had assumed more about our friendship than there was- an assumption I had also been confused about). I was quite pleased to have rounded up this big group! All of our friends from Sloppy Moose (running club) and my friend Brian had all come so there were close to ten people I was personally acquainted with present. It felt like I really had friends, which felt great.

This one girl from runningclub had brought a random guy- a vertically challenged, tan fellow in a plain white t-shirt with a quick whit who made a few snappy sexually twinged jokes I couldn't help but snort at. We had the same sense of humor and as the night went on, and we drankmore beers we sort of drifted off into our own conversation. My friend Brian left and while I followed him around on the street for a bit, I ultimately came back and spent more time talking with this guy, whose name was apparently Geoff.

Geoff had work early the next day and didn't get out much so he left on his bike to go back home. After he did, the girls in the group immediately began quizzing me about Brian, which confused me. "We're just friends." I relayed the story of our ill-fated attempt at dating from over two years ago and they stared at me blankly while Eric texted wildly in the corner. Geoff apparently was not un-interested, but refused to ask for my number.

Now drunk, I texted him from Eric's phone and told him not to be a pussy. While I did that, Katrina pickpocketed my phone, texted Geoff from my phone impersonating me.

Geoff and I soberly put together the orchestrated set up over the next few days and committed to revenge. We plotted pranks and I liked him even more when he ran through some of the lame attempts at pranks he had made in the past. (No one can compete with me.) In the course of all that texting, we finally got around to liking each other and planning a date, although it took quite a while. Geoff not only moved slow, had no sense of urgency, but also claimed to be a feminist. in my purview, this really came off more as laziness than anything else. There was no equality in the situation. He expected all moves to be made by the woman, which, just resulted in no movement at all. We eventually got a date planned to go to Federalist, but only after I very directly had to ask whether he was interested in me at all because based on his behavior, it didn't seem like it.

Federalist had a line out the door so we wandered over to Kupros and ended up having a great conversation and despite his dorky white socks, and his awkward stare at the end of the date, I liked him. He was going out of town for over a week and we talked pretty incessantly while he was gone.

He was testing to become a Wildlife or backwoods or something EMT and failed miserably. Everyone in the course worked professionally in the field and he had an Environmental Science degree and worked in hazardous waste. He called himself a sell out on the environment, and had other dreams, it was just a matter of getting there. I appreciated that he gave it a try and was willing to work hard towards his goals. When he got back, we went to Ruhstaller for another date and it was weird.

He immediately struck up a conversation with an older couple and I felt like I was being dumped on the date. He physically turned his back to me and ignored me. For over an hour he was engaged in a deep conversation with the guy and I attempted to connect with the drunk woman. For all that we had talked, I felt so confused. I liked the guy, I thought he was cute, but he wasn't even trying to get to know me in person. I was smart, funny, well educated, and he literally was rejecting me before our date had started. It was bizarre. I tried to ignore it and assumed either he or I would just leave at some point or this would be the end of the date. At some point I mentioned to the woman this was only our second date and she looked horrified. She assumed we had been together a long time. She signaled to her husband and almost immediately left and shut both conversations down. I was relieved and grateful she did this. It was like a flip of a switch. Geoff and I got up and moved from the bar to a table, sat next to each other and talked. It was great. It was easy and sharp. He was very harsh, but it worked and I liked that he was smart.  We were at Ruhstaller a long time before we stopped and got a pizza dinner somewhere. He tried to talk me into going to the penny arcade but I felt drunk and didn't want to stand.

He walked me up to my car while he wheeled his bike with his dorky helmut on top of his head. He looked so idiotic it was cute and I couldn't help but laugh. I wanted to kiss him. We got to my car and I waited. Nothing. I still felt buzzed and felt so frustrated I finally just reached across and grabbed him.

We made out under a streetlight at D and 10th for over 25 minutes. That's the only time I've ever kissed a man first.

Geoff turned out to be a real asshole and in retrospect, it was there all along. He was flakey and unreliable. He was controlling and manipulative. He pressured me and overall wasn't very interested but was looking for a space filler. He used me and ultimately dumped me via text message after we had dated for almost 3 months. I literally never saw him again. There was no goodbye, no returning of items, no closure, nothing. He left on a trip, and that was it. He's a horrible person and if I see him again I'd punch him in the wiener. The only good thing he ever gave me was the experience of using a kayak. Otherwise I wish I could have erased this entire experience from my life. I essentially lost all of my friends from running club over his idiocy.

Weeks after the text message break up, he was periodocilly still texting me, saying he would be bringing by a wooden shelf he had built for my bathtub. I had explicilty told him- do not promise me you're going to build me this thing if you're not really going to do it. It's just upsetting. He promised he would do it. Then he'd send updates. I didn't insist on closure because allegedly this was coming. Then on snapchat he's holding hands with some girl. Apparently our break up was actually due to some girl either he previously dated, or liked or was friends with becoming single again. I confronted him over text about how he never closed out our relationship before moving on to the next one. You do not date someone for three months and break up with them over text message. That is wrong. You don't lead them to believe you have feelings and you're making plans for the holidays and birthdays and so on and dump them over a text two days later without warning. He's a horrible person. Again. I hope I never see him again but if I do, I'd punch him in the wiener.