Graduate School Update

Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/213217363580571720/

I've become even more confused about graduate school than I was.

SMU
 I was notified by Southern Methodist that they would like to interview me in like a week in their Plano, Texas office in person and please consider that in your travel time... There was no option for a long distance interview. I'm like 5 states away. And that is no notice. This really irked me. I responded very politely that I would love to be interviewed, and how could we arrange a phone or Skype interview since I don't live anywhere close? They agreed to a phone interview, which would last an hour, but there was no real indication as to what the context of the interview would be, despite the fact I asked three separate times in three separate emails. I finally said, it was difficult to prepare for an hour interview with no idea of the context, but I'd try my best and the secretary said, well it would probably only be 30 minutes... Well, why say it would be an hour then?

I was so nervous I couldn't sleep all night, and just read more about their program and the woman interviewing me. I finally fell asleep around 7am, and my alarm got me up at 8:30am. Interview was to start at 9:30am. I sat by the phone for TWO HOURS. Nobody called. After 30 minutes I sent a message to the secretary and said I was really looking forward to speaking with the director and just in case my number was misplaced- here it is again. I got an auto-response that this lady was out until Monday so she was no help and I had been given no contact info for the director, not even an email address.

At the one hour mark I was supposed to start a webinar with University of Denver so this was a problem. Then a friend called for help with another issue. I called the SMU department office- no one answered an there was only one number on their website. I left a message saying I was supposed to have an interview and the director was a no-show, just making sure they had the right number and I was waiting by the phone. (In a nice way.) I emailed the secretary again and asked if we needed to re-schedule, and finally after two hours, tracked down the director's email through the campus directory and expressed my concern and whether she was "okay"- had something horrible happened- and that I had waited for almost 2 hours for her to call and I hoped everything was okay. That I would be ready to re-schedule at her convenience whenever she was ready.

She responded with a SINGLE LINE OF TEXT saying, "I completely missed this was a phone interview. This was my error. Would Monday or Tuesday work for you instead?"

I waited TWO HOURS for this lady. I sat up all night I was so anxious about this call. How do you miss the fact a student doesn't live in the same state? Hello? This same school also lost all of my transcripts and wanted me to re-send them (which would have cost $100+). They also complained that I didn't use the proper form to send them- which is not anywhere on their website, or on the application, nor is there any reference to this form in either location. The only way to know you need this form is to get ahold of someone in the office (I've still never spoken to anyone on the phone, despite leaving 6+ messages over the last 4 months) and ask, and/or have them lose your transcripts and have them complain about you not using this mysterious form. I'm curious as to how I am supposed to use the form since the transcripts are coming directly from the schools, and not from me.

So far, super impressed.

Sarcasm aside, I actually am impressed with the actual PROGRAM if not their organizational and communication skills. It's the only program with an emphasis on counseling, which is great. That appeals to me, and while I don't want to be a counselor, to tap into the same tools as a mediator would be very helpful, IMO.

UMASS, BOSTON
I got notice on Friday that I have been accepted to the University of Massachusetts, Boston. I am in shock. I never thought I would get in. It's a GREAT school. I am hugely flattered. And totally confused.

Great opportunity, great school, amazing thing right there. I think I had the realization when I got the notice that I really want to go to a public school. I value it more or something. I don't know why. But the cost of living in Boston is astronomical. However, the tuition is lower than even Oregon.

What spooked me in my acceptance letter however would be the 5 news items about the department all relating to international conflict. This is what the school specializes in. It's an east-coast school. They think globally. This isn't my interest.

DU
Attended a webinar with the director/dean of the department. Only one other person attended and she had not yet applied to the program. The director just rubs me the wrong way. I felt that way on the phone, and I felt like that when I saw her on camera. She feels- both abrasive and fake. She's like a fake smiler. It doesn't feel genuine, she doesn't feel relaxed or natural and my back goes up when I hear from her as a consequence. I am honored to be accepted in the program, I was one of only 21 students accepted. This is a prestigious thing. However, I am apprehensive. I love the area, I think it's beautiful and I've been dreaming of Colorado for a long time, but something about this department makes me nervous. I think DU is where I am going to accept but I can't shake this feeling of uneasiness. I am afraid they won't really care about me.

MARQUETTE
I can't reach anyone in the department. No one calls me back, I have no idea when the deadline is. It is probably long past and I have no idea.  However, I saw some of their commercials on Youtube, and I died- I loved them! They touched me in a way I can't describe. The university's motto of "Be the Difference" is really what I believe as a person and pretty much what I wrote about in my essay and I didn't even realize. I also loved that they were working hard to fight back against sexual assaults on campus, which is a huge issue. Milwaukee has some nasty rape statistics that frankly made me uncomfortable. This alleviated some of that anxiety because the school is fighting back. However, snow 8 months of the year and a beer guzzling culture also makes me uncomfortable. It's very far away, and I'm just not sure.

My bottom line, I realized as I laid in bed last night was, I really, truly need to visit these campuses in order to make an educated decision, and I just don't have the time before the deadlines. I don't know what to do. If I don't get into Oregon, I am totally lost. I don't want to regret my decision and I am afraid not visiting campuses is going to be a huge regret.

Link Updates

I went through and did some blog maintenance so the "Link Within" links- the little boxes at the bottom of each post that links you through to related posts should now work with this blog and should take you to the correct post and the side bar links to my story have all been updated. Everything should work now. If you come across another dead link, let me know and I'll try and up date it!

Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/213217363580571710/

At least I have choices.

I'm starting to hear back from graduate schools and the results haven't exactly been what I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong. It's great. I GOT IN. That is Freaking Awesome. Capital F, Capital A. And I got into more than one school. I have choices. That's even more amazing.

But I made a huge mistake. I got my heart set on one school and I got waitlisted.  Never get your heart set on a particular school. Big mistake.

That happened once when I applied to law school too, and I waited until the week before school started and I never heard a peep from them again. Nothing. Nadda.

University of Oregon waitlisted me, and I keep asking myself "Why?" What did I do wrong? I should have re-taken the GRE. They told me my score was fine. I shouldn't have gone by what the office said. I had way too much to overcome in my application and they probably hadn't reviewed it yet. They probably didn't realized how many deficiencies I had. Or maybe I blew the interview. Maybe there were trick questions. Maybe I didn't have the right answers. Maybe it was because I missed the phone call the first time around and had to call him back. What did I do wrong? I got into fancier schools, why not U of O? They even told me they are going to have a bigger class this year. Why not me?

I got the letter and I cried and cried and cried. I really wanted to go. If I had gotten an acceptance letter I would have dove out the front door with my bags packed and fled for the border right then!

Part of me thinks, well, if you do get in later, you'll really appreciate it.

And part of me thinks, maybe there's a reason you didn't get in. But I feel like I'm trying to convince myself. I really feel like it was the best fit for me and I don't know what to do now. I want to succeed at my new school and I am terrified I won't somewhere else. I don't want to fail. I'm totally freaked out. And literally have no idea where I should go. NO IDEA. There are bad things (and good things) about all of the remaining schools and I haven't heard from all of them yet. I am very nervous and anxious and worried.

U of O said I could send it one more recommendation letter to help my cause. I've already sent in FOUR. (Again, what have I done wrong?) What I know is lacking in my file is academic recommendations because I am a non-traditional student. I've been out of school a long time and been working in other fields. This is supposed to make me desirable though, not undesirable. But it also makes things like recommendation letters hard to come by. Only one out of those 4 letters was truly an academic reference.

I am still friends with a professor from my freshman year of collage-12 years ago. But she wrote one of my law school reference letters and I hesitate to ask her for another again. What do you think? It's only one letter, but she already did so much, and I did not succeed in law school. I failed, I didn't live up to the expectations she said I would in the first letter she wrote for me. I was a failure. It feels shameful to ask her again. It's been six years since she wrote me that letter but I still feel very embarrassed and not really right about it. Also, it would be short notice.

Here are the results of my applications so far, and the tuition rates for the schools I applied to, which has been a major source of anxiety for me. My FAFSA came back with a loan for only $20,500. Money is going to be a HUGE issue. I am not making it now. Moving somewhere expensive, going to an expensive school.... all huge problems. Schools are ranked in order of cost. The lower number is in-state tuition, which most of those numbers are wrong and the higher/second number is out of state tuition, which is mostly correct.

What do you think?

Financial Freedom

Source: https://www.etsy.com/listing/62656464/unless-life-also-hands-you-water-and?ga_search_query=lemonade

My finances have been incredibly stressful lately. I'm not really sure what's going on, but business has plummeted. I'm just not receiving the volume of inquiries I used to. It's gone on for so long that I've depleted my savings and gotten myself into real trouble. I always pay off my credit cards every month and I've had to dial back in order to conserve the limited funds I had left. I was looking at a savings account balance of only $1500 total and I was going to be in real trouble. I moved some things around, took some penalties and reserved some savings, but I really didn't have much left.

I also made some big sacrifices and changes.

My biggest regret is not recognizing how much of a difference those changes would make and that I could have made them sooner and made my savings last a whole lot longer.

I've recognized a few bad habits in myself that really suck up my finances:

Wasteful grocery spending
Fast food expenditures
Take out
Online shopping

This accounted for HUGE charges every month. Like dramatic charges. I don't have exact numbers for you but it was A LOT. In the hundreds, at least.

I completely banned all online shopping period, all fast food, all take out, all unnecessary driving, and strategically planned my trips to the grocery store to coincide when I would be in that area. I had hoped to get my grocery bill down to $25 a month. (From like, I'm sure $300+ or something insane. I have absolutely no idea. I just bought whatever.)

How on earth could I do that?

Well, first of all, I started eating all that expired food out of my freezer. That was #1.

#2, I stopped shopping at the grocery store. I switched entirely to Grocery Outlet, which is much, MUCH cheaper, and I'm shopping on a $25 budget, which I actually stuck to. I didn't make it a month, I made it about 2 weeks, but when I went back to the store, I shopped with $11 in cash I had found somewhere and only spent that on milk and fruit to tide me over.

I think I'm going to come in somewhere around $100 (possibly under) or something on groceries for the month, which, granted is not $25, but it's better than $300. And I have virtually eliminated all other expenditures which has been a huge help. That also included cat litter, cat food, and some medications. (And chocolate. I cracked.)

I'm still working on my credit cards, which is a problem since I don't have much coming in and am not re-cooping my savings and I'm going to have a huge tax bill. I feel like other people look at my savings accounts and think- oh, that's plenty of money. But you have to remember- I DONT GET A PAYCHECK. I have no idea when the next time I will get paid is! It's not like I can wait 2 weeks and I'll get another check. Even if a client is under contact and "supposed" to pay me on such and such date- there's no guarantee that will really happen. Couples break up, they cancel dates. Nothing is real until that check clears.  And then, that money goes in savings, straight away. I really need $10k+ in savings to be able to sleep at night. Because that's enough money to go 3 months without receiving any income at all and be totally okay, and in my industry, that's pretty much the norm. I booked a wedding last month, and I booked one in December. That's it. That's all I've done in the last 3 months. And the one I booked last month hasn't paid yet, she's on a payment plan. It's INCREDIBLY stressful.

As a sole proprietor, my dad and I figured out I get taxed at almost 40%. WTF?!

Having $1500, or $3k in the bank means I have one month until I live in a cardboard box. I can't o that!!!! I have to have WAY more than that in the bank to be safe! I can't even RISK it getting down that low! Right now, my tax bill alone far exceeds those amounts, so between that and my bills for next month so I am so deep in the red my dad actually offered me my inheritance. (I declined.)

I'm proud that I buckled down and decreased my expenses. I'm not spending as much. Excellent.
I got my gym membership decreased by $15 a month. Cable went down by $35 a month. Photo forum canceled- that's $15 a month saved. Phone plan changed, that saved $70 a month. I considered canceling all of these things, and actually made the calls and tried to do so, and burst into tears on the phone with the rep as he went through the motions to do it and I just couldn't handle it. I don't know why, it was like it was too much change or something. I got them all reduced at least, and they promised I could call back at any time and get them all canceled later.

I ran some mini-sessions and a client purchased some extra time for their event and bam- rent for next month got paid. Another client paid her balance. Great. But it's all basically meaningless. Between rent, health insurance, therapy, student loans, car insurance, dog insurance, the credit card, all of the utility bills, the credit card, and the tax bill thus far, I don't have enough. Not even close. I'll be in the negative a couple thousand dollars at least.

But I can't even handle thinking about it because it is SO awful.

I AM proud of all that I have done so far. I am.

And I do have some more things to do.

I need to amend my taxes from last year. This is hugely stressful because it is such a big job. I also can't do it on this computer because the tax program I have to use isn't compatible with Windows 8, so I have to fire up the old back up computer that is packed away. This is going to get started fairly quickly because I want it done before I do my 2012 taxes. Those are mostly done already (hence I already have a good grip on what I owe), but I am hoping what I overpaid in 2011 can be put towards 2012 and help bail me out/break even.  But the whole thing is going to be very complicated. And NO, I'm not going to go to a tax firm/CPA to do it. I store all of my records online, so it's not like I can present a pile of receipts. I do my taxes by logging into 10 different online accounts and inputting it into excel. I'm a nightmare to work with, I'm sure.

There are also some minor money makers in relation to moving that I want to get done.

Selling the dining room table.

Selling the stereo cabinet.

Selling my GRE books and flashcards.

Possibly selling the Piano. (I am realizing it's going to be hard to move, and I am hoping my mom will give me our family piano at some point).


And some general cleaning house things that will make me feel much better:


Dumping the pile of clothes I've slowly been sorting into a bin at Goodwill.

Getting the garbage out of the house

Continuing to get the bathroom clean, sorted and presentable for company

Throwing out my rugs- but probably not until much closer to the actual move so there's no risk of hurting the carpets in the meantime.

Continuing to dump out my huge collection of magazines.

Progress, progress.

I wish I knew why everything has slowed so dramatically so I could fix it. This post ended up sounded incredibly depressing, but I started writing it because I was really proud of myself and I want to repeat that. I am PROUD OF MYSELF! I got into trouble and I am figuring it out. I'm going to keep working to figure it out. I have tightened my belt and I am going to keep tightening it and thinking hard and applying for jobs until I figure this out. I love my job, but I can't help but be resentful of these hoards of people invading our industry, shooting on automatic and charging for their services. I got beat for a wedding job a couple weeks ago because a friend of the bride's "just started" a business and would only charge $500 for unlimited everything. Her pictures suck and she doesn't know what she's doing. I started in the same place, I know, and we all have to start somewhere, but when you're doing this full time, and you're doing it the right way, I can't tell you have frustrating it is to be beat out by someone who does it as a hobby, and has no freaking clue.

Promise of the Somewhere Between

And just like that, sometimes your heart is just relieved of all of the anxieties and worries you've placed under it.

Just like that.



Although I've never been "opposed" to adoption, and I 100% believe in it and think it's a beautiful thing, IUI's and IVF and the good old fashioned way of making babies are a whole lot cheaper options, and that had always kind of been my plan. But post-last-days-of-being-29-heart-attack-freak-out, I stumbled into this documentary, and just watching the preview alone? I felt this sudden sense of peace and calm. And I got that just off the preview.

A lot of you who know me in real life probably don't know this, but my family kind of looks like the United Colors of Benetton. My sister's kids are Mexican, my cousin's on my mom's side are black, and my dad's family is Chinese. I just never think about it. It just is.

My aunt's second husband immigrated from China in the late 50's or maybe early 60's with a little boy. (The mother abandoned them or something. The story has always been somewhat unclear.) My aunt adopted and raised him and she and the husband had several children together as well. The oldest son who came from China is my cousin, he calls my aunt his mom, and he just IS my cousin. I never think about the fact he's not biologically related to anyone. I don't actually have any memories of meeting his dad at all and they have been divorced for 20+ years. It probably occurs to me about once every 10 years that technically, we're not actually related, and usually I remember this when I start to make a comment about how alike we are and it must be our genes. Erm.

He married a Chinese woman (pretty sure from China) and they have three children together.  My other [Chinese] cousins also all have [interracial Chinese] children. They all had red egg parties and did all of the usual cultural stuff. Mixed with you know, German traditions. The oldest son's wife used to pick all the honey off our honey baked ham every year, which always pissed off my aunt, and always made off with the expensive $4 cookies my dad would bring from the pricey bakery, which annoyed him. All in all we're a great big happy Chinese-German-Mexican-Afghani (cousin's husband) family.

Anyway. I watched this preview, just the preview alone and I just exhaled this huge sigh of relief. All of that pressure just blew out of me. I don't know why. I've never really felt strongly about adoption, and I can't really say that I do now either, but I feel like I was spiritually (and quite condescendingly I might add) patted on the head and told "It's going to be just fine. There's a whole plan in play no matter which route you go here. Whichever way you go, it is TOTALLY cool. Go on little grasshopper. Take your time. [pat, pat.]"

L o n g,    s l o w    e x h a l e.

I looked all over the internet to find a free copy of the film and I found TONS but all required I download an extra media thing to watch it, and I was spooked since I've had such had luck with this computer that I'm afraid to download any software on to this computer, so it took me 24 hours to commit since I'm having such financial issues, but as a sort of birthday gift, I spent $2.99 and rented the movie on Amazon. It's wonderful. It's called "Somewhere Between," and if they make it free on Prime I'm going to be pissed.

But right now I'm just so grateful I got to watch it because it was beautiful. I'm also, once again grateful for Sex and the City, my favorite show ever, and Charlotte, who adopted a Mandarin baby herself in the series finale. (With her Jewish husband after discovering she was barren with her Scottish 1st husband, who refused to explore adoption or fertility treatments with her.)  As Charlotte said after she and Harry had been disappointed once again in their journey to try and grow their family together (failed placement- yes, they showed a failed adoption placement on a show called "Sex and the City" for those of you spooked by the title) she smiles, kisses him on his cute balding forehead and says, "Honey, that wasn't our baby. Our baby is still coming. "

I've re-quoted that a million times to friends who were trying to conceive, and wiped tears from girlfriends eyes after negative pregnancy tests and chemical pregnancies and lost babies.

That wasn't the baby you were going to get to raise. Your baby is still coming.

My baby is still coming too.



This post was sickeningly positive, and in order to even the score, I'd like to say that someone said something nasty to me about my relationship with Matt that pissed me off. So there. (sticks tongue out.) It all evens out. I'm still glass half empty after all!

The 30 Year Leap

Art by Katie Daisy/ The Wheatfield on Etsy

Source: https://www.etsy.com/shop/thewheatfield?ref=exp_listing

I am only 29 years old.

For exactly 4 more days.

Then I will be 26.

Okay, this body will be 30 years old. And I am not handling it well at all. I have emotion bubbling out of every orifice. I have had upset stomachs, I have tears pouring out of me, anxiety exploding and finally, I am truly angry with Matt.

I walked into therapy yesterday with tears pouring down my face.

"I am angry." I said.
"Apparently this is what anger looks like for me."
She whipped out her yellow note pad and scribbled some notes.

I started shaking, my face flushed and I raised my voice, gesturing wildly. "He robbed me of the most precious thing I could possibly have- my trust in myself. And if I am so delayed in my life because I have been so traumatized by his choice to drag me into his whacked out martial issues that I miss out on my opportunity to have children, I will pour battery acid on to his penis."

She laughed.

But I didn't.

I'm [almost] 30. My best friend is contemplating whether this is the end of her child-bearing years, and I haven't even started. The half-dozen women's magazines delivered to my house every month announce in large headlines that with every progressive year that my fertility is declining so rapidly that I need to "hurry up" and move along and get going. I need to freeze my eggs, or start fertility testing to evaluate how much time I have left, or do an ovary transplant.

I want a large family. It's not like we're just contemplating one child here. Figuring out IVF or adopting for one child at 40- it can be done. The finances can be worked out, and the timing will be managed. But how about for four kids, or five? How do you do that? If you're just getting started at 35 or 40? How is that done? You know how much adoption costs? IVF? Even IUI's aren't cheap. I don't even have proven fertility, so I have no idea what road I would be taking here, but with each passing year the chance increases that I'm going to have problems.

And here's the bottom line:

I do not want to rush into having children. I want children. I want children with every ounce and fiber of my being. It's what I have always wanted. I have had the same baby names picked out since I was 5 years old. My original major in college was Family & Consumer Sciences. You know what that used to be called? Home Economics. My dream was to be a farmer or a housewife. (Or both.)

My first priority is finding a life partner who loves me and is dedicated to building a life together for our whole lives. I want to build a life with someone.



I work in the wedding industry. I've been doing this for almost eight years. For eight years I have watched couples, good matches and bad matches stand and make vows to each other. Hold hands, kiss passionately and run off into the sunset together. I've watched them evolve from the crazy in love to the bickering on wedding day to the excited parents-to-be, to totally head over heels with their newborns. I photographed one of my long term clients last week, and the new mom was just so in love with her new baby that she just was openly weeping and giggling and cooing over her sweet new babe all at the same time. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And I've seen it a hundred times and it's just as beautiful every time.

But just as important, and something that made that whole experience so precious was the fact that her partner, her husband, was right there to share it with her at every moment. He was home with us during the newborn session, helping, and running around, getting snacks and changes of clothes, kissing mom's forehead and totally attentive. He loves her, and he loves that baby. And that couple... They have known each other since they were kids. High school. They have known each other for seventeen years, they've been a couple for seven. And they are so in love and so excited. And that's what I want. Someone who I have a solid foundation with who loves me and understands me. Who can hold the baby and change diapers and be a total sport when she has squirty diarrhea all down his shirt, up in between his fingers and down his toes. (Which is exactly what happened.) And the mom stood there and laughed and laughed and laughed and didn't get a towel, and started screeching that she was going to pee her pants. Dad just stood there, smiling, holding the baby, with mustard yellow baby diarrhea running between his hands and dripping between his toes, while his wife laughed at him.

They are so happy, it was ridiculous. They are delighted to be parents. They are in love and they are committed to their relationship. They are not without problems, and I got an earful of it in the hours I spent at their house, and they are completely dedicated to working on them and growing together. They are on the same team, fighting against the world. But that noise doesn't matter. They have each other. That's what I want. I don't just want to parent. I need and want more than that. I want the all inclusive experience. For me, I believe the experience of parenting is not as enriched without a partner to stand next to you and laugh with you when this child you created together vomits into your mouth and down your shirt. To have someone up with you, together all night long when your baby is sick and you are worried and don't know what to do. That is what the human relationship is all about. Being a team. I don't just want a child, I want a family.

I could run out right now, go to a bar, and go home with someone. I could hop online, pick out the most perfect genetic qualities and order a box of sperm and have it delivered right to my front door. (Just like Amazon.) I could probably get some random guy drunk in Vegas and elope. There are even listings on Craig's list all the time for men who want to have babies. I could even adopt.

But obviously, none of those things are what I am looking for. I want the right partner for me and I want to know them the way my couples know each other. At this point in my job, I get a sort of a feeling about a lot of my couples about whether they will work out. Sometimes I don't know, but sometimes I do. You can tell when they are on the same page. Some will work out because they will force it to, and not because they are the right fit. I want to be the right fit with someone and not because I forced it.

I believe in marriage. But more than that I believe in love. From my couples:

"I want to be with you forever."

"You are my hero."

"I promise to weigh the effects of the words I speak and the things I do, to thank you when you delight me and forgive you when you offend me.  I promise to be sweet with you and fierce with you, to apologize when  you are due it and to never take for granted the joy and wholeness that comes from loving you.  You are my best friend, lover, counselor, accomplice, bright shining light, and desert island companion. I have found home in you and  you have my heart."

I am frustrated and sad and scared and this week is a hard week. I am angry at Matt. I don't know if I had not met him if I would be married now, or have children, but I know for a fact I wouldn't be afraid of dating, or afraid that every man is a liar and a cheat who will hurt me. That I wouldn't be dodging eye contact from the nice young men I meet at the park sometimes who simply just want to be friends because I am so scared. I am angry with him for not going out and just hooking up with someone and instead engaging me in a romantic relationship and scamming me into loving him and leading me to believe that this was my life partner and making plans with him. For emailing vendors for quotes for our wedding? How can you go so far to do that? He was MARRIED to someone ELSE. I didn't even know his real name! How dare he so manipulate my love and affection for his own selfish needs. What he did was so wrong. He took from me so many things that didn't belong to him and he didn't deserve. I am angry with him. And apparently, when I am angry, I cry.

"Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor,
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,"
says the Lord.
Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes,"

Isaiah 54: 1-2