ACCEPTED!

The final score on graduate school was as follows:
Accepted:
University of Massachusetts, Boston
University of North Carolina, Greensboro
Marquette University
University of Denver
University of Oregon

Recommender didn't sent in my letter/my App was never finished:
Salisbury University

Rejected:
Southern Methodist University

SMU actually said that I was not suited to the program and I should pursue a different field. Their letter was extremely rude and unprofessional, as were all of my interactions with them. The interview, which I asked repeatedly how to prepare for, or what I would be asked, and my questions were ignored, I was finally given the answer that she "just wanted to get to know me better." This was a total lie. The interview was more like an interrogation and I was thrown completely off, especially since I had been given no warning and been misled.

I was initially waitlisted at University of Oregon, so I accepted at University of Denver but continued to have bad feelings about it. When I accepted, I did not receive a congratulations, or even an acknowledgement. Nothing. I emailed both the director and the program assistant and I got nothing. I did not feel welcomed or cared about. It felt consistent with my other interactions with the program and I asked the program assistant what else I could do to help myself get into UO and she suggested another recommendation letter, I contacted my freshman English professor and she wrote me another highly personal letter. I was accepted to the program within a week. The assistant called me personally to let me know.

I was COMPLETELY OVERJOYED and screamed into the phone (almost) when she told me. I'd had the flu for over a week and had no voice and screamed so that I had no voice (open mouth, no noise lol) when she told me. It was great. And so different from how DU reacted. I am hoping it will be a very different program with people who care about me!

As time as gone on this past month or so I have gotten very anxious and upset about the prospect of moving. I of course can't really move- more like half time status because my job is here in CA, and o I will be commuting between CA and Oregon most of the time. I've already arranged all of my transportation between OR and CA for all of my events here through the rest of the year. What I hope is to just continue business as usual, and just expand my shooting territory to the Pacific Northwest, which is beautiful!

This week I went and tried to find a place to live. It was very overwhelming and upsetting. I fought with my mom the whole time, which also upset me but I couldn't seem to prevent it. I had panic attacks every day I was there and was popping my medication like candy. I felt bullied by the manager who I ultimately signed up and I am completely questioning all of the decisions I've made. I am having a really hard time this week. Not to say it hasn't been good leading up to this, with some hiccups, but currently I just want to run screaming away. It's too much too fast. I don't want to leave this house...

I am afraid of all the changes and being uprooted and losing the very little support system I have left.

The last few years my mother and I have been really close and the last six months or so she has changed dramatically. She seems to be having issues in her personal life and it has directly affected our dynmanic in a dramatic and negative way. We do not mesh or understand each other and do not communicate well. It really frustrates me. I don't feel like she listens to me or hears me, which is the thing I count on most in my mom. I feel like I am talking to a wall.  And then because there is so little positive back and forth I feel like I've taken advantage of her for the things she tries to do to help because our interactions have become increasingly unpleasant.

One of my summer classes very closely conflicted with my work schedule, and as a concession, school is letting me miss 2 hours of class, but as punishment, I have to make up the time in one on one tutoring with the director, volunteer to act in an in-class play, and then retake the entire class again over break. This doesn't seem reasonable to me, and upset me. It should be one or the other not both. All of the feelings of being overwhelmed and anxious and problems arising have exploded to  a point so fanatic that when this newest one arrived, I thought, I can't do this, I am dropping out of this program. Forget it. I am trying to stick to it, but I am so frightened now I feel like I am drowning. I don't know that I will fit in, how will I move? How will I unpack? Can I afford my apartment?

It's way too much to deal with right now.

I also have anger. Why do I have to move away when Matt was the one that did everything wrong?

Graduate School Update

Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/213217363580571720/

I've become even more confused about graduate school than I was.

SMU
 I was notified by Southern Methodist that they would like to interview me in like a week in their Plano, Texas office in person and please consider that in your travel time... There was no option for a long distance interview. I'm like 5 states away. And that is no notice. This really irked me. I responded very politely that I would love to be interviewed, and how could we arrange a phone or Skype interview since I don't live anywhere close? They agreed to a phone interview, which would last an hour, but there was no real indication as to what the context of the interview would be, despite the fact I asked three separate times in three separate emails. I finally said, it was difficult to prepare for an hour interview with no idea of the context, but I'd try my best and the secretary said, well it would probably only be 30 minutes... Well, why say it would be an hour then?

I was so nervous I couldn't sleep all night, and just read more about their program and the woman interviewing me. I finally fell asleep around 7am, and my alarm got me up at 8:30am. Interview was to start at 9:30am. I sat by the phone for TWO HOURS. Nobody called. After 30 minutes I sent a message to the secretary and said I was really looking forward to speaking with the director and just in case my number was misplaced- here it is again. I got an auto-response that this lady was out until Monday so she was no help and I had been given no contact info for the director, not even an email address.

At the one hour mark I was supposed to start a webinar with University of Denver so this was a problem. Then a friend called for help with another issue. I called the SMU department office- no one answered an there was only one number on their website. I left a message saying I was supposed to have an interview and the director was a no-show, just making sure they had the right number and I was waiting by the phone. (In a nice way.) I emailed the secretary again and asked if we needed to re-schedule, and finally after two hours, tracked down the director's email through the campus directory and expressed my concern and whether she was "okay"- had something horrible happened- and that I had waited for almost 2 hours for her to call and I hoped everything was okay. That I would be ready to re-schedule at her convenience whenever she was ready.

She responded with a SINGLE LINE OF TEXT saying, "I completely missed this was a phone interview. This was my error. Would Monday or Tuesday work for you instead?"

I waited TWO HOURS for this lady. I sat up all night I was so anxious about this call. How do you miss the fact a student doesn't live in the same state? Hello? This same school also lost all of my transcripts and wanted me to re-send them (which would have cost $100+). They also complained that I didn't use the proper form to send them- which is not anywhere on their website, or on the application, nor is there any reference to this form in either location. The only way to know you need this form is to get ahold of someone in the office (I've still never spoken to anyone on the phone, despite leaving 6+ messages over the last 4 months) and ask, and/or have them lose your transcripts and have them complain about you not using this mysterious form. I'm curious as to how I am supposed to use the form since the transcripts are coming directly from the schools, and not from me.

So far, super impressed.

Sarcasm aside, I actually am impressed with the actual PROGRAM if not their organizational and communication skills. It's the only program with an emphasis on counseling, which is great. That appeals to me, and while I don't want to be a counselor, to tap into the same tools as a mediator would be very helpful, IMO.

UMASS, BOSTON
I got notice on Friday that I have been accepted to the University of Massachusetts, Boston. I am in shock. I never thought I would get in. It's a GREAT school. I am hugely flattered. And totally confused.

Great opportunity, great school, amazing thing right there. I think I had the realization when I got the notice that I really want to go to a public school. I value it more or something. I don't know why. But the cost of living in Boston is astronomical. However, the tuition is lower than even Oregon.

What spooked me in my acceptance letter however would be the 5 news items about the department all relating to international conflict. This is what the school specializes in. It's an east-coast school. They think globally. This isn't my interest.

DU
Attended a webinar with the director/dean of the department. Only one other person attended and she had not yet applied to the program. The director just rubs me the wrong way. I felt that way on the phone, and I felt like that when I saw her on camera. She feels- both abrasive and fake. She's like a fake smiler. It doesn't feel genuine, she doesn't feel relaxed or natural and my back goes up when I hear from her as a consequence. I am honored to be accepted in the program, I was one of only 21 students accepted. This is a prestigious thing. However, I am apprehensive. I love the area, I think it's beautiful and I've been dreaming of Colorado for a long time, but something about this department makes me nervous. I think DU is where I am going to accept but I can't shake this feeling of uneasiness. I am afraid they won't really care about me.

MARQUETTE
I can't reach anyone in the department. No one calls me back, I have no idea when the deadline is. It is probably long past and I have no idea.  However, I saw some of their commercials on Youtube, and I died- I loved them! They touched me in a way I can't describe. The university's motto of "Be the Difference" is really what I believe as a person and pretty much what I wrote about in my essay and I didn't even realize. I also loved that they were working hard to fight back against sexual assaults on campus, which is a huge issue. Milwaukee has some nasty rape statistics that frankly made me uncomfortable. This alleviated some of that anxiety because the school is fighting back. However, snow 8 months of the year and a beer guzzling culture also makes me uncomfortable. It's very far away, and I'm just not sure.

My bottom line, I realized as I laid in bed last night was, I really, truly need to visit these campuses in order to make an educated decision, and I just don't have the time before the deadlines. I don't know what to do. If I don't get into Oregon, I am totally lost. I don't want to regret my decision and I am afraid not visiting campuses is going to be a huge regret.

Link Updates

I went through and did some blog maintenance so the "Link Within" links- the little boxes at the bottom of each post that links you through to related posts should now work with this blog and should take you to the correct post and the side bar links to my story have all been updated. Everything should work now. If you come across another dead link, let me know and I'll try and up date it!

Source: http://pinterest.com/pin/213217363580571710/

At least I have choices.

I'm starting to hear back from graduate schools and the results haven't exactly been what I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong. It's great. I GOT IN. That is Freaking Awesome. Capital F, Capital A. And I got into more than one school. I have choices. That's even more amazing.

But I made a huge mistake. I got my heart set on one school and I got waitlisted.  Never get your heart set on a particular school. Big mistake.

That happened once when I applied to law school too, and I waited until the week before school started and I never heard a peep from them again. Nothing. Nadda.

University of Oregon waitlisted me, and I keep asking myself "Why?" What did I do wrong? I should have re-taken the GRE. They told me my score was fine. I shouldn't have gone by what the office said. I had way too much to overcome in my application and they probably hadn't reviewed it yet. They probably didn't realized how many deficiencies I had. Or maybe I blew the interview. Maybe there were trick questions. Maybe I didn't have the right answers. Maybe it was because I missed the phone call the first time around and had to call him back. What did I do wrong? I got into fancier schools, why not U of O? They even told me they are going to have a bigger class this year. Why not me?

I got the letter and I cried and cried and cried. I really wanted to go. If I had gotten an acceptance letter I would have dove out the front door with my bags packed and fled for the border right then!

Part of me thinks, well, if you do get in later, you'll really appreciate it.

And part of me thinks, maybe there's a reason you didn't get in. But I feel like I'm trying to convince myself. I really feel like it was the best fit for me and I don't know what to do now. I want to succeed at my new school and I am terrified I won't somewhere else. I don't want to fail. I'm totally freaked out. And literally have no idea where I should go. NO IDEA. There are bad things (and good things) about all of the remaining schools and I haven't heard from all of them yet. I am very nervous and anxious and worried.

U of O said I could send it one more recommendation letter to help my cause. I've already sent in FOUR. (Again, what have I done wrong?) What I know is lacking in my file is academic recommendations because I am a non-traditional student. I've been out of school a long time and been working in other fields. This is supposed to make me desirable though, not undesirable. But it also makes things like recommendation letters hard to come by. Only one out of those 4 letters was truly an academic reference.

I am still friends with a professor from my freshman year of collage-12 years ago. But she wrote one of my law school reference letters and I hesitate to ask her for another again. What do you think? It's only one letter, but she already did so much, and I did not succeed in law school. I failed, I didn't live up to the expectations she said I would in the first letter she wrote for me. I was a failure. It feels shameful to ask her again. It's been six years since she wrote me that letter but I still feel very embarrassed and not really right about it. Also, it would be short notice.

Here are the results of my applications so far, and the tuition rates for the schools I applied to, which has been a major source of anxiety for me. My FAFSA came back with a loan for only $20,500. Money is going to be a HUGE issue. I am not making it now. Moving somewhere expensive, going to an expensive school.... all huge problems. Schools are ranked in order of cost. The lower number is in-state tuition, which most of those numbers are wrong and the higher/second number is out of state tuition, which is mostly correct.

What do you think?

Financial Freedom

Source: https://www.etsy.com/listing/62656464/unless-life-also-hands-you-water-and?ga_search_query=lemonade

My finances have been incredibly stressful lately. I'm not really sure what's going on, but business has plummeted. I'm just not receiving the volume of inquiries I used to. It's gone on for so long that I've depleted my savings and gotten myself into real trouble. I always pay off my credit cards every month and I've had to dial back in order to conserve the limited funds I had left. I was looking at a savings account balance of only $1500 total and I was going to be in real trouble. I moved some things around, took some penalties and reserved some savings, but I really didn't have much left.

I also made some big sacrifices and changes.

My biggest regret is not recognizing how much of a difference those changes would make and that I could have made them sooner and made my savings last a whole lot longer.

I've recognized a few bad habits in myself that really suck up my finances:

Wasteful grocery spending
Fast food expenditures
Take out
Online shopping

This accounted for HUGE charges every month. Like dramatic charges. I don't have exact numbers for you but it was A LOT. In the hundreds, at least.

I completely banned all online shopping period, all fast food, all take out, all unnecessary driving, and strategically planned my trips to the grocery store to coincide when I would be in that area. I had hoped to get my grocery bill down to $25 a month. (From like, I'm sure $300+ or something insane. I have absolutely no idea. I just bought whatever.)

How on earth could I do that?

Well, first of all, I started eating all that expired food out of my freezer. That was #1.

#2, I stopped shopping at the grocery store. I switched entirely to Grocery Outlet, which is much, MUCH cheaper, and I'm shopping on a $25 budget, which I actually stuck to. I didn't make it a month, I made it about 2 weeks, but when I went back to the store, I shopped with $11 in cash I had found somewhere and only spent that on milk and fruit to tide me over.

I think I'm going to come in somewhere around $100 (possibly under) or something on groceries for the month, which, granted is not $25, but it's better than $300. And I have virtually eliminated all other expenditures which has been a huge help. That also included cat litter, cat food, and some medications. (And chocolate. I cracked.)

I'm still working on my credit cards, which is a problem since I don't have much coming in and am not re-cooping my savings and I'm going to have a huge tax bill. I feel like other people look at my savings accounts and think- oh, that's plenty of money. But you have to remember- I DONT GET A PAYCHECK. I have no idea when the next time I will get paid is! It's not like I can wait 2 weeks and I'll get another check. Even if a client is under contact and "supposed" to pay me on such and such date- there's no guarantee that will really happen. Couples break up, they cancel dates. Nothing is real until that check clears.  And then, that money goes in savings, straight away. I really need $10k+ in savings to be able to sleep at night. Because that's enough money to go 3 months without receiving any income at all and be totally okay, and in my industry, that's pretty much the norm. I booked a wedding last month, and I booked one in December. That's it. That's all I've done in the last 3 months. And the one I booked last month hasn't paid yet, she's on a payment plan. It's INCREDIBLY stressful.

As a sole proprietor, my dad and I figured out I get taxed at almost 40%. WTF?!

Having $1500, or $3k in the bank means I have one month until I live in a cardboard box. I can't o that!!!! I have to have WAY more than that in the bank to be safe! I can't even RISK it getting down that low! Right now, my tax bill alone far exceeds those amounts, so between that and my bills for next month so I am so deep in the red my dad actually offered me my inheritance. (I declined.)

I'm proud that I buckled down and decreased my expenses. I'm not spending as much. Excellent.
I got my gym membership decreased by $15 a month. Cable went down by $35 a month. Photo forum canceled- that's $15 a month saved. Phone plan changed, that saved $70 a month. I considered canceling all of these things, and actually made the calls and tried to do so, and burst into tears on the phone with the rep as he went through the motions to do it and I just couldn't handle it. I don't know why, it was like it was too much change or something. I got them all reduced at least, and they promised I could call back at any time and get them all canceled later.

I ran some mini-sessions and a client purchased some extra time for their event and bam- rent for next month got paid. Another client paid her balance. Great. But it's all basically meaningless. Between rent, health insurance, therapy, student loans, car insurance, dog insurance, the credit card, all of the utility bills, the credit card, and the tax bill thus far, I don't have enough. Not even close. I'll be in the negative a couple thousand dollars at least.

But I can't even handle thinking about it because it is SO awful.

I AM proud of all that I have done so far. I am.

And I do have some more things to do.

I need to amend my taxes from last year. This is hugely stressful because it is such a big job. I also can't do it on this computer because the tax program I have to use isn't compatible with Windows 8, so I have to fire up the old back up computer that is packed away. This is going to get started fairly quickly because I want it done before I do my 2012 taxes. Those are mostly done already (hence I already have a good grip on what I owe), but I am hoping what I overpaid in 2011 can be put towards 2012 and help bail me out/break even.  But the whole thing is going to be very complicated. And NO, I'm not going to go to a tax firm/CPA to do it. I store all of my records online, so it's not like I can present a pile of receipts. I do my taxes by logging into 10 different online accounts and inputting it into excel. I'm a nightmare to work with, I'm sure.

There are also some minor money makers in relation to moving that I want to get done.

Selling the dining room table.

Selling the stereo cabinet.

Selling my GRE books and flashcards.

Possibly selling the Piano. (I am realizing it's going to be hard to move, and I am hoping my mom will give me our family piano at some point).


And some general cleaning house things that will make me feel much better:


Dumping the pile of clothes I've slowly been sorting into a bin at Goodwill.

Getting the garbage out of the house

Continuing to get the bathroom clean, sorted and presentable for company

Throwing out my rugs- but probably not until much closer to the actual move so there's no risk of hurting the carpets in the meantime.

Continuing to dump out my huge collection of magazines.

Progress, progress.

I wish I knew why everything has slowed so dramatically so I could fix it. This post ended up sounded incredibly depressing, but I started writing it because I was really proud of myself and I want to repeat that. I am PROUD OF MYSELF! I got into trouble and I am figuring it out. I'm going to keep working to figure it out. I have tightened my belt and I am going to keep tightening it and thinking hard and applying for jobs until I figure this out. I love my job, but I can't help but be resentful of these hoards of people invading our industry, shooting on automatic and charging for their services. I got beat for a wedding job a couple weeks ago because a friend of the bride's "just started" a business and would only charge $500 for unlimited everything. Her pictures suck and she doesn't know what she's doing. I started in the same place, I know, and we all have to start somewhere, but when you're doing this full time, and you're doing it the right way, I can't tell you have frustrating it is to be beat out by someone who does it as a hobby, and has no freaking clue.

Promise of the Somewhere Between

And just like that, sometimes your heart is just relieved of all of the anxieties and worries you've placed under it.

Just like that.



Although I've never been "opposed" to adoption, and I 100% believe in it and think it's a beautiful thing, IUI's and IVF and the good old fashioned way of making babies are a whole lot cheaper options, and that had always kind of been my plan. But post-last-days-of-being-29-heart-attack-freak-out, I stumbled into this documentary, and just watching the preview alone? I felt this sudden sense of peace and calm. And I got that just off the preview.

A lot of you who know me in real life probably don't know this, but my family kind of looks like the United Colors of Benetton. My sister's kids are Mexican, my cousin's on my mom's side are black, and my dad's family is Chinese. I just never think about it. It just is.

My aunt's second husband immigrated from China in the late 50's or maybe early 60's with a little boy. (The mother abandoned them or something. The story has always been somewhat unclear.) My aunt adopted and raised him and she and the husband had several children together as well. The oldest son who came from China is my cousin, he calls my aunt his mom, and he just IS my cousin. I never think about the fact he's not biologically related to anyone. I don't actually have any memories of meeting his dad at all and they have been divorced for 20+ years. It probably occurs to me about once every 10 years that technically, we're not actually related, and usually I remember this when I start to make a comment about how alike we are and it must be our genes. Erm.

He married a Chinese woman (pretty sure from China) and they have three children together.  My other [Chinese] cousins also all have [interracial Chinese] children. They all had red egg parties and did all of the usual cultural stuff. Mixed with you know, German traditions. The oldest son's wife used to pick all the honey off our honey baked ham every year, which always pissed off my aunt, and always made off with the expensive $4 cookies my dad would bring from the pricey bakery, which annoyed him. All in all we're a great big happy Chinese-German-Mexican-Afghani (cousin's husband) family.

Anyway. I watched this preview, just the preview alone and I just exhaled this huge sigh of relief. All of that pressure just blew out of me. I don't know why. I've never really felt strongly about adoption, and I can't really say that I do now either, but I feel like I was spiritually (and quite condescendingly I might add) patted on the head and told "It's going to be just fine. There's a whole plan in play no matter which route you go here. Whichever way you go, it is TOTALLY cool. Go on little grasshopper. Take your time. [pat, pat.]"

L o n g,    s l o w    e x h a l e.

I looked all over the internet to find a free copy of the film and I found TONS but all required I download an extra media thing to watch it, and I was spooked since I've had such had luck with this computer that I'm afraid to download any software on to this computer, so it took me 24 hours to commit since I'm having such financial issues, but as a sort of birthday gift, I spent $2.99 and rented the movie on Amazon. It's wonderful. It's called "Somewhere Between," and if they make it free on Prime I'm going to be pissed.

But right now I'm just so grateful I got to watch it because it was beautiful. I'm also, once again grateful for Sex and the City, my favorite show ever, and Charlotte, who adopted a Mandarin baby herself in the series finale. (With her Jewish husband after discovering she was barren with her Scottish 1st husband, who refused to explore adoption or fertility treatments with her.)  As Charlotte said after she and Harry had been disappointed once again in their journey to try and grow their family together (failed placement- yes, they showed a failed adoption placement on a show called "Sex and the City" for those of you spooked by the title) she smiles, kisses him on his cute balding forehead and says, "Honey, that wasn't our baby. Our baby is still coming. "

I've re-quoted that a million times to friends who were trying to conceive, and wiped tears from girlfriends eyes after negative pregnancy tests and chemical pregnancies and lost babies.

That wasn't the baby you were going to get to raise. Your baby is still coming.

My baby is still coming too.



This post was sickeningly positive, and in order to even the score, I'd like to say that someone said something nasty to me about my relationship with Matt that pissed me off. So there. (sticks tongue out.) It all evens out. I'm still glass half empty after all!