He's married?

Watching this wedding video on a videographer's blog. Starts off with a little speech from the FOB (father of the bride) about the bride and how she met the groom and sprung this whole marriage thing on him (the dad), and then it launches into a music sequence of the bride getting her make up on, the groom getting ready, bride ascending the aisle, goofing off with the groom, giggling during their ceremony, hanging out with the bridal party...

And I realize, with this sinking, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach... he already did all that.

Matt and HER... they had their wedding day. They had A WEDDING. He has memories of getting up and getting ready and putting on a suit or a tux and hanging out with "his boys" and marching in and standing in front of everyone, and she walked down the aisle... The took portraits and cut a cake and...

I don't know what to say.

We're back to the surreal, out of body, mind-boggling part of this again. How did this happen. He had been married a little less than two years or so, maybe 18 months when he and I started dating. Those memories were fresh in his mind. Those memories... they were still new when we sat in that sandwich shop and he took the straw wrapper off his drink, tied it around my ring finger and said he would try to contain himself until the next week to propose with a real ring.

He had JUST done that.

For real.

She wore a dress.. he wore a suit... they got married. They danced a first dance... maybe he danced with his mother... And one day he got up and thought... I don't like this, let's start over? And hit the mental "delete" key and deleted ALL of those memories right out of his head. The last four years of his life, five years? He just deleted her, everything about her, his wife and their relationship out of his life and life experiences. POOF. Never happened.

One of the pieces of material I turned over to the investigators was an instant messenger conversation where I asked him how long he has been single. No hesitation. "four and a half years... as long as I have been a cop." No wife mentioned there. He even asked, "define single... do shitty dates count?"  How do you delete an experience from your life as huge as a WEDDING? Especially when you're the freaking GROOM?!

My friend Paige said she couldn't believe that they- Matt and his wife were pretending that he hadn't been in this big serious relationship for HALF of their marriage, that they were going on, having another child like everything was wonderful.

Matt went on pretending with me like he hadn't been married the last two years. He's pretending now that he wasn't in a serious relationship with someone other than his wife for nearly two years, and then, he did the same with me.  The man likes to play pretend, apparently. And so does his wife, I guess, because she ignores it. I've been told repeatedly this is all going to blow up in her face but it's hard to feel sorry for her when I still look at her and see nothing but the life I lost, including, basically, my husband. He was the man I thought would be my husband. I never doubted it from the second I felt that first prompting. And I have had the hardest time shaking that conviction. I have never been more sure of anything in my life. ... And I guess, never more wrong either. How do you feel sorry for someone who has the life you dreamed of, wanted, and thought you would have?

Today, I don't think I have ever felt more strongly that I don't want to be married. Ever.  I don't even feel sad about it right now, as I usually do. I feel... disgusted.

In therapy today I was asked what I wanted to happen with Matt and his job. Every day I have a different answer. Some days I am wracked with guilt and I just want him to [continue to] live (my inner deluded belief is that they are ecstatically happy) in la la land and have nothing come of it, and for all to be well. Some days a letter will suffice. Others, a suspension, paid or unpaid. I dream of his wife's smugness over a paid suspension because then he could be home to help with the baby. A paid vacation! Today I had a new answer for my therapist. I wanted him fired. She asked why. It took me twenty minutes to go through all the ways in which he had personally victimized me through his job and how he could do it to others. A pathological liar on a witness stand? Using your position of authority to gain trust and power in relationships? Using highly personal information, to manipulate someone for your own benefit? How do you put someone like that in a job as high powered as a police officer? He should be fired. He should never be permitted to work in law enforcement again.

That's how I felt today.

I may or may not meet with the investigator tomorrow. I don't feel so sick, just sickly exhausted/tired. I'm actually sleeping at night and my body doesn't know what to make of it. Nothing is nailed down yet so I don't know what's happening.