Blubbery Mess

I have Pride and Prejuidice playing in the background and just the music and my feelings are making me weepy.

I want my Matty. I miss my Matty. I want him to come home. I want him to hug me and hold me and tell me he loves me and everything is ok. Like he has always done.

I don't want this woman's husband, Matt Langford, I don't even know who he is. I want who I knew, Matt Timmons. That man was my partner, my love, my BEST friend! I've never had a man tell me I was their best friend before and when he said it, I wasn't there yet. But I got there eventually. And he knew me, all of me. Every crazy part of me, and he loved every part of me. And I miss my sweet, sweet Matty. I wish he hadn't died. I would give anything...

Some realizations today... I think he tried to get out of it. My dad made some terrible comments about how his story was so complex and detailed and it had to be practiced and plotted and done before on other women... these were the most hurtful words my broken heart could have heard. And talking it over with friends, I don't think it's true. I don't know how or why he got into this, what motivated him, what drives any person to do this, if he was looking for attention, he felt neglected because of the baby, maybe he doesn't wear the pants in his relationship and wanted to be in control, he wished he could start over again, maybe he wasn't ready for all of it... I don't know. I can only guess. But I do think that it went much further than he intended. (Maybe, I honestly can't know and I hope I am not minimizing what he did... I'm afraid I am.)

Early on in dating he said his parents had asked him to move to Redding to be near family and he had to seriously consider it because of XY and Z. I was really upset because our relationship was just starting to get serious.... Now looking back... if he didn't intend on this to be what it turned in to... maybe he picture a few afternoons away from home talking to someone new or something... but he met me instead and we started getting serious... so he tried to back pedal. This could be logical. It eases the pain at least...

Now, conflicting with this is that we were an official couple, nuts about each other, all over each other, talked constantly, texted all day, talked on the phone every day and I met him on duty for lunch, practically every single day he worked. We were crazy about each other and couldn't get enough of each other... So it wasn't ever a casual thing... but, anyway, for theory's sake, he tries to back pedal and instead of getting out of it? We ended up telling each other we loved each other that day. That conversation, realizing he would be going away, I wanted him to know how I felt about him, and we had both beaten around the bush earlier, making clear how we felt without actually saying the words so we could do it in person, but because this issue popped up and we didn't have a planned day together for a couple more days, I ended up telling him I loved him and it ended up being this big emotional, happy thing and he told me some of the most dear, wonderful, sweetest things I had ever heard that day. And earlier, it had been awful, thinking I would lose this amazing man I had just met, had just fallen in love with but sharing those feelings changed everything. It stopped the dynamic from changing.... I can step back and think about this and see... he tried to get out of it, and we got closer instead.

Same thing happened with the stroke and him moving away... he came over here to tell me if he would give long distance a shot and he was so stubborn and hard lined and had absolutely no reasons as to why he wouldn't try it and I just couldn't understand. He just said it wouldn't work. And I said, well, if we're going to break up because of this, and not because you are rejecting me, we love each other, just the timing is off, then let me say goodbye how I want to. I want you to cuddle and hold me and talk and just be normal so the last moments I have with you are happy... He was upset and said that would be so much harder for him to do that and I told him well I didn't really care what he thought because he was breaking my heart here for no actual reason! lol So we snuggled and cuddled and he held me and we laughed and talked... that was a huge defining moment in our relationship... One of the most special days we had I think... and he told me he couldn't imagine leaving me or giving me up, he couldn't and we would make it work. He tried to get out of it... and we got even closer to each other. Closer than I had ever been with anyone else. The emotional intimacy that I had with Matt is not comparable to any other relationship I have been in.

It's plausible... I don't want to let him off the hook... he did a terrible thing, but this is something I can think about and put myself in that place and try and understand how it felt and how he got stuck... I don't know how he ended up on this path to begin with, but, I think I can see his confusion over what to do with both of us. If this theory is right... it would also meant that his sentiments for me were true and that he loved me, which would be a huge relief.

The alternative is of course is that this was a big game, and he liked being in control and he was able to perfectly control me in our relationship. This seems to be what most people think (although I'm pretty sure everyone else doesn't think about this 24 hours a day like I do, but I also have more to lose emotionally by admitting he really did this), and it is also consistent with the pure bad intentions he had in putting a personal ad online. Which is how we met. Yeah, I just came out... We "met" at Starbucks, but we came to know of each other's existence on this earth via Yahoo Personals... and he contacted me. He had a paid subscription. And that is not the behavior of somebody who wasn't looking for trouble. And he told me he had contacted other people. And while we dated he had told me about going on coffee dates with other women, which in retrospect, were also probably during his marriage. I didn't remember that in time to share that with "them," but I'm not dealing with that anymore. That time has passed now. There are a couple of other things I have since remembered that make me very uncomfortable that I think they should know... big things... but, I have to stay out of it.

I want a puppy. Amelia says, "Hi."

Overwhelmed

I am starting to hear comments from people that what has happened to me wasn't a big deal and I need to just get over it and move on and I should feel guilty for what I "did." (Even though I didn't know.) And I need to spend my time reflecting on "them." (You know who I am talking about.. and we are not mentioning them on this blog anymore. We are not.)

I don't want to talk about them any more. I can't. I can't handle it. The fact that they even exist is so traumtic and disturbing to me that it sends me into a tailspin.

I already feel guilty. I already blame myself. I already feel ashamed and dirty. Alone. Horrible. I just feel horrible. I always want to cry and find myself shaking in fear of what could have happened to me, or what may happen to me later, or screaming out loud. I have nightmares and startle awake scared someone is in the house.

They were cheated on. They were lied to. This is true. This is sad. But they will go to counseling and they will work things out. It is probably a big relief that it is all in the open now and there are no more secrets, and it is all onwards and upwards from here.

I let a con man into my home. This man held me in his arms and kissed me and touched me and cuddled me, He told me he was going to marry me and make babies with me. And I didn't even know his real name. I DIDNT KNOW HIS NAME.

I'm sure that I will totally be over this by morning. No biggie at all. Right?

Drastic Measures

The last few days I have been all over the place. From wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to crying so hard I sounded like a dying animal... to for a few minutes of calm distraction. Like now, writing, tv on, sipping water with the cat on my lap. And then the anxiety overwhelms me.

HOW could he do this? WHY did he do this? WHY? WHY WHY WHY? WHY did you do this Matty? Matty! Why? I think about him being here and lying straight to my face... my stomach churns.

The psychologist held me after IOP (outpatient thing) to talk... I heard myself saying aloud to her that I hated myself. No wonder I wish I was dead. Right now I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing and my body flushing red all over and just... overwhelmed with emotional exhaustion. On Friday I realized just how much I was holding it in. I (apparently) was sitting very taunt and tense in the chair, arms crossed, holding myself for an hour while everyone talked and when it got to my turn it just came exploding out of me. I was crying so hard they could barely understand me and shaking and I couldn't bear to look at anyone. One woman was there because her husband liked to look at things online... you know what I mean... and had cheated like 12 years before. She jumped all over me and was like "And you didn't know about his wife and child?" I didn't even know his real name! Of course I didn't know he was married! But I could hear her judgment and skepticism before she would accept my story and that hurt.

The therapist said something about how I must feel rejected and how I wasn't looking for closure and I was like, HUH? First of all, this was the first and only relationship where I NEVER felt personally rejected! Never! There isn't anything wrong with me and there never was! I was perfect in every way and he told me so! And of course I want closure. Of course, I can't close the book on this yet, but being able to have a final conversation with him would be invaluable. That's closure to me. And I want that more than anything. To look at his face and know his real name and to have him look at me, just me seeing him... even that... it would be enough. He never looked at me when I was there... and I understand... but it made it that much more horrible for me. And nobody cares about me. Because I am "the other woman." Even though, I never knew I was. I will always be hated for the crime I didn't know I committed. I was victimized more than his family was! I let a con man into my home, into my life... in every sense of the word. For her, yes, he had an affair, or he cheated on her, but that was it. For me, all of this is much more traumatic and going to affect me in so many ways for so much longer.

But it's wrong for me to think those things about her... because she is the wife and it is not her fault and she is innocent... and I am the other woman and always will be. And I hate myself.

I want and need to do something drastic. Dye my hair blonde, or go to Canada or camp in the desert or embark on a cross country trip and lay in the grass and stare at the sky and feel alone. I hate the term "find myself" because it is so touchy feely and I feel, really sort of stupid, but... I think I lost myself here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else. I want to go somewhere or do something really different and just escape.

I want to run away.

And because I am too upset to work I have around $100 in my bank account, which is the lowest it has ever been since I was in college. And I feel terrified. And trapped.

What's up this week...

Last week wrap up: Tuesday the world came to an end and everything went down, Wednesday I had a breakdown. Thursday, Therapy. Friday, car accident. Saturday I had to shoot a wedding... horrible. Saturday night my friend Cecilia came and got me to babysit (as in, to babysit ME) and I stayed at her house over Sunday, but I ended up walking into a couch REALLY hard and breaking a bone in my foot. I went to the Emergency Room on Monday after I attended my orientation for my crisis intervention counseling thing and got x-rays. I'm now in a very ugly and retarded looking boot/shoe thing and am hopefully getting crutches tomorrow. I'm on codeine too, which makes me really sleepy... which is a pretty good thing right now.

I just finished writing this out and since I won't be able to express it directly to Matt, I just decided to share it on here. These are questions I would like to ask Matt.

Why did you do this? What was going on personally that prompted you to do this?
Have you done this before?
Why did you lie so much? Why not just find someone who was interested in something extramarital?
How many partners have you had?
Was this your intention from Day 1?
Did anyone actually know about me? Did your partner know?
Are you Mormon? Were you married in the Temple?
When did your wife suspect? Why did she suspect? Have you guys not have a good relationship?
Why did you try to end things and then back out? Especially with the elaborate stories, rather than a straight break up?
Where did your wife think you were when you were with me?
What were you looking to get out of this? Physicality? Attention?
Were you having marital issues before this?
Why do to the extent you did with the lying? (Talking about marriage, kids, your parents saying "Hi" to me and how excited they were to meet me? etc.)
Who is Matt Timmons? Was he a part of this, or is he aware of this?
Did you think it was funny, or did you feel bad or...?
When you found out what a rough dating history I had, why didn't you get out of this?
Were you concerned I would find out?
Was any of it real for you? Were any of your feelings real? Did you or do you love me?
Were you ever in love with me?
Did you think I was crazy for being so into you when you knew the truth? Embarrassed?
Any regrets?

Sigh.

Ugh

I feel tense. Panicky. Overwhelmed. Shakey. I do not feel good. I can feel the tension running through my veins. I am on the verge of a big hysterical fit and I know it. And I am trying to hold it off. It hurts too much to feel it. My whole body has been trembling for the last couple of hours.

I am dreading the wedding I have to work tomorrow. Thank God that it is only 3 hours. That is a small piece of mercy for me. I told the couple I was looking forward to seeing some happy people but really I am just dreading having to put on a fake smiling face for those 3 long hours. I dread it with every fiber of my being and my lower jaw is chattering. I feel sooo tense.

All I want to do is crawl into my car and drive out in the middle of nowhere and I don't know. Rot.

I keep having these flickers and flashes of what happened and how his life must have been going back and forth. And the absurdity of the fact I wrote him love letters with the wrong name on the envelope.

My stomach is churning and I feel like there is electricity is running through my veins. Literally- like I'm being electrocuted. Shakey, trembling, freaked out, tense. I hate this.

You don't want to know what I have been thinking.

But I am going to subject you to it anyway. And I do know how everything sounds... and please try not to worry. I won't do these things. It's just how I feel. It is how I ache right now. I just want to be able to say how I feel. Because it helps people to understand how I am feeling so much better.

Wednesday, the day after was pretty terrible. I wanted to hurt. I couldn't stop crying, or crying out. I fantasized about taking too many pills... drinking nail polish remover... stabbing myself in the legs with a screwdriver... driving my car into a telephone pole on the freeway. Burning myself. Cutting myself. Shaving off all my skin. I wanted so badly for my physical pain to mirror my emotional one.

I had to work very hard, but I took (an appropriate amount) of medicine and went to sleep for several hours. Everything feels differently when you sleep. And my feelings weren't as intense when I woke up. I was by no means in a good place, but I think the immediate danger had passed. The sleep was restless though. I woke up several times and sat straight up in my sleep several times, screaming at the top of my lungs. In my haze I kept thinking someone had broken into my house.

I had a therapy appointment on Thursday. I haven't been sleeping well, obviously. I couldn't fall asleep until well after 5am and set the alarm for 11am so I wouldn't miss my appointment at 1pm. When I woke up it felt too early to get ready since I had no intention whatsoever of showering or changing my clothes. I ended up falling back asleep and waking up at 1pm on the nose. It was a 25 minute drive to the appointment. I had to pay a $50 copay to be seen for the remaining 20 minutes. I told her everything. She was sort of stunned, as have we all been. She just took control though and signed me up for some crisis intervention support out patient therapy thing. It's supposed to be like 3 hours a day. But when Kaiser says 3 hours, it usually means more like 5 hours. I think it's every day. I don't know how long it goes on or anything about it. I just know I felt dumped by my therapist when she said she wouldn't schedule me for another appointment with her until after my class was over. This makes no sense to me.

I keep trying to forget. But if I do, it's only for a few moments before the sound of that door slamming and the glass breaking rip through my ears again.

I still sleep with his shirt. It's all that is left of the man I loved. I hold it and I cry. It smells like him.

I rear-ended a woman today on the street. I was going fast. And not looking. I stood on the brakes but it wasn't enough and I hit her. We pulled over and there was virtually no damage at all to either of our cars. Some bird poop from my car to hers had been smeared on her bumper but that seemed to be it. It is amazing there was no damage. I was probably going 40mph and she was completely stopped.

She told me it was ok and I could go and I guess I started to get teary eyed and she said, "Oh, honey, no! Don't cry! It's ok!" And she grabbed me. And then I just started telling her everything. What he had done. What I felt I had to do. How much pain I was in. And I cried, and cried. She said to me she didn't know about me but she was a Christian and she told me to sit down on the hood of my car and we talked. If angels exist... I surely met one today. What happened on the side of the road today was nothing but... I don't know. An unbelievable act of kindness on her part.

I can't remember everything she said, even from the moment the conversation ended I was already fading, but the feeling of how important that conversation was stayed. The one thing she did stay that I managed to hold on to, was how there was a purpose and plan for everything, and that this was supposed to happen. It happened to teach me something. She said that the person I was in love with was no different than a character in a play or an actor in a movie. But that didn't mean he didn't care either. That after so much time together, it hard to believe anyone wouldn't care at that point. And that what this taught me, was the person I thought he was, is the person I am supposed to be with. That the image he portrayed to me is who I want in a partner, and that is my match. And I won't take anything less than that now that I know.

That's what she said. I can't believe it now. But I do hear it. And I will remember it. Right now, to trust anyone anymore is not possible. He even lied to me about his name. I have a stack of love letters here for him that he hadn't picked up yet. They are all address to Matt Timmons. Or Matthew J. Timmons. His real last name is Matthew D. Langford. Even his name was a lie. How?