Holding On.

But I don't know why I kept holding on...

Why did I?

I don't know.

For reasons I won't go into, I kind of feel like smacking him in the face right now. I feel... miffed... angry.  He either doesn't know [about the investigation], or he knows and it wasn't a big deal at all.

Either way I feel bitter.

I was talking to my mom tonight about PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's something alot of soldiers get when they come back from combat. I have it.  She also told me that she spoke to another therapist about me. (Because me seeing my own therapist twice a week isn't enough, right?) That woman recommend EMDR, which is the second time I have been referred to that type of therapy. My sister had a really nasty dog bite- more like attack, that left her leg ripped open and landed her in the hospital and she has never walked with a dog again. That was 10 years ago. She did an EMDR session once, but it was too "out there" for her. Being the judgmental person she is, I'm surprised she tried it at all, but, right now I almost want to say I am proud of her for trying it. It's way out of the box for her personality.  That said, my mom is an MFT and even she called it a bit of hocus pocus, but the point of the therapy is de-sensitization to the trauma, so anything that helps, right?

I don't know, it was just something we talked about so I thought I would mention it here too.

A taste of the ATTACK BEAGLE

Just a little day in the life of our dog park adventures... and a little taste of the ATTACK BEAGLE that lies within!

Wordless Wednesday: Our Secret Place in Summer

Charlie Brown Bagel & I went location scouting for a photo shoot and returned to our Secret Place as a possible locale (and it was a success! You can see the pics from that shoot over at my work blog: http://eheizerphotography.blogspot.com/2011/07/oh-alice-you-dont-even-know-what-tea.html )

Afterwards we came home, Charlie was kind of hot and did his Dumbo impression- and Al Bundy I guess too. Sorry, I didn't apply a modesty patch; I'm not as sophisticated as the Dooche or Pioneer Woman blog to do that.



   

Ughhh.

 Source: http://www.etsy.com/listing/73739086/8x10-recycled-art-print-never-go-with-a

As far as I can tell, they are still working on the "investigation."  As far as I can tell, anyway. 

The last email I had from the sergeant he said that they were at a"pivotal point in the investigation" and that they were  approaching the point of "active engagement." That was a couple weeks ago.

I emailed the sergeant last night some dates he requested- he wanted to know the exact dates that Matt had pulled me over "for fun," and I wasn't sure so I had to research it. I was able to narrow down the dates using email and calendars, but couldn't go beyond that without further help. I ended up having to play hardball with the cell phone company to get my records so I could go through them day by day to pick out a conversation I know I had with my friend Kristin in Utah the day the pull-over/stop happened. She and I were talking on the phone while I was driving out to meet Matt for a lunch date and Matt kept beeping into the conversation. I went through the records day by day within the narrowed down dates until I found a series of calls that matched up with my memory, which I did. I passed that information along to the sergeant. 

He responded to me today, thanked me for the research and said that he would check it against what they had already uncovered- something like that. 

So I'm not entirely sure at this point if Matt knows or not. The good thing is nothing has happened so far if he does. I am getting more comfortable and confidant in leaving the house and I am not so afraid. The bad thing is I have had a number of hang ups from a blocked number on my cell phone. It could just be my Mom, but it's making me uncomfortable... The first three weeks following the interview my phone was broken and I was, for all intents and purposes, protected from the outside world because of it. No calls from parents, investigators or friends. No client calls. No text messages. No middle of the night calls from my night owl buddy to startle me out of sleep. It was like being in a cocoon of safety. And an excuse to keep everyone at an arm's length too. I needed that space. Not only could I "not" talk to anyone because my phone was physically broken (drowned in the dog's water bowl) but I wasn't really capable of doing so, and having this 'excuse,' if you want to call it that, protected me. Fewer questions, more hibernating. I needed that for myself. 

It's been a month now, and I'm starting to come out of my hole. I only worry that I'm becoming comfortable with a false sense of safety- if he doesn't know yet, if his family is unaware, this could blow up at any time and I won't be prepared. 

(Of course, that's why I have an attack beagle.)

My secondary worry with the situation at present time is whether they will be able to verify what I have told them [the investigators]. I hope so. That's one my top 5 list of worst nightmares- not being believed. I want them to find everything I have told them, just as I said it would be. I want to be a good eyewitness. I want to be accurate in everything I remembered. Part of me is terrified I have remembered things wrong. I question myself, it's all so serious, you can't help but do so. Did he really sign his name with the fake name on the credit card receipts? Did he really wear that name tag? Yes, that's what I remember... I can picture him signing the slip in my head... I can see the name tag on his uniform now even... But what if they go and find the receipts at the restaurant I told them to go to and it's not signed with the fake name? What if it's signed with the real name? What if I just thought it had the fake name on it? What if he altered the way he signed his real name to make it look like he was signing his pretend name? Or what if I had the restaurant wrong? What if it was a different restaurant where he signed with the pretend name and I sent them on a wild goose chase? I am so worried they won't be able to verify what I have told them.  And I don't think I can ask if they have been successful so far. Mentally, I just don't think I can... and even if I could... I don't think they would or could answer.

I am so worried.

Made a Big Boo Boo

I posted the link to my blog on my Facebook account for a couple of hours... and I blocked a number of people from seeing my wall and updates, but not everybody... and, well, since nobody responded to the post I wrote, I thought that nobody saw the link and so I deleted it.

Then some people have casually brought this blog up in conversation.  And, the hits on this blog spiked by 300%.

COUGH, COUGH, HACK, HACK.

I think I'm going to die.

I don't know how ready I am for people to know everything that happened this last year. I mean, I posted the link. I asked for it. I started trying to tell people beyond the like, 10 that knew the whole story, but the ones I started confiding in didn't respond in ways I expected or hoped- like the confidential email I sent someone who never responded or acknowledged it, and when I checked in to make sure they got it, all they said was they had and that they were busy. (Um, okay....? Thanks for the support?) 

It makes me feel really vulnerable and revisit those feelings of right after everything happened and I told one of my best friends and she promptly disappeared from my life. Literally. I broke my foot a few days after I went to the house by walking into a couch at a friend's house while essentially being babysat until I could start the outpatient program at Kaiser because of all this. That "best friend" ding dong ditched crutches on my porch and has never been seen or heard from again. She heard what Matt did to me, made some nasty, snide comments, and POOF'd from my life. I've called, texted, sent her a holiday card... I have no idea what happened. I guess that saying "You find out who your friends are" holds true... I didn't think it would happen to me though. Of course, I didn't think any of this would. I never thought I'd live a day of my life without Matt. I thought he never would, and never could, hurt me. I was wrong.

Posting that link, I'm afraid it's going to put me at risk for more of those things happening and it scares me. I cannot handle the lack of support. I lost the most important person in my life- my partner, and people need to recognize that part of it first and foremost before anything else. I have spent unbelievable amounts of time trying to cope with comments other people have made about him, and not dealing with the situation itself, or taking care of myself and that's not helpful.

I am terrified of not being able to control who finds out. So far, the people who have found out are people I specifically told. If I told someone, I told them individually. Not their spouse, not their friend, I told them individually and told them not to repeat it. That has been honored up to this point. The majority of followers of this blog are not people I know in real life and I take enormous comfort in that. The clients of my business predominately do not know. One or two who were around when it happened know, but that's it. The rest have vague bits of information that I lost Matt but they don't know how or why. Some think he died, others that we  broke up. If they ask, I don't clarify, and simply say it's too upsetting to talk about, because it is. I can't have a professional relationship with my clients if they know I have a panic attack when I go to the grocery store. If I'm in work mode, I'm in work mode, and I can do it and it's fine. But if I shift gears into the victim that I have been for the last year, I can't function, and I can't let that shift happen while I'm with clients. I don't know if I'd be able to stop myself from shutting down if that shift started.

I have come a long way, but I don't know if I'm ready for this level of openness, because there's a level of vulnerability that will go hand in hand with it. If people I know in real life know what happened, then inevitably, they will tell other people that I know... people I didn't choose to tell. Who may make judgements about things they don't know about or understand, or when they don't know the full story. I am terrified of being judged. I didn't know... I didn't know the truth about Matt, any of it, until the day I found out, and the day I exposed him. But that didn't stop some woman in group therapy from accusatorily saying to me, "And you DIDN'T know he was married with a baby?" in a nasty tone... I'm afraid someone I know will say or think something like that about me. Or take her or their side. But I didn't know... I didn't know... I never knew, and when I knew.. I told. And I'm not the one whose allowing my child to be raised by someone who is so disrespectful to women... a criminal...who committed forgery, committed identity theft, ... I'm not someone who is overall teaching their daughter that it's okay to be in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage (with HER [wife] being the verball abuser) and that it's okay to be cheated on. That THAT is a good example to provide and live.

When I told her she already knew. She had confronted him multiple times. Me, I never suspected a thing until the day it all unraveled. He cheated on her for half their marriage. He and I started dating when their daughter was 10 days old. We said our "I love you's" right after their wedding anniversary. She knows all of those facts. WHY would you stay in a marriage like that? What kind of a marriage IS that? The day after the house (the day I went to their house and told her her had been living a double life) we emailed and she told me she was "still so in love with her husband" and that "she got married for forever, not just a little while." How long do you think HE got married for? You took vows... How quickly did he break his? What kind of a marriage do you HAVE? You don't have one! You don't have honesty, fidelity, love, honor... what the hell is there? I would NEVER stay in that relationship, and I would not want my daughter to think that it was okay for a man to ever treat me or another woman- even if it was the "other woman"- like that! It's not okay to tell another woman you're another man, with a fake life- fake parents- fake home, fake job--- what the hell?
At the same time, I understand why you would want to stay... but I would never, ever make that choice. Especially with a child, and most certainly not with a daughter to set an example for.

Despite all of those things, some people want to demonize me, make those two- Matt and his wife- the innocent parties in this? Huh? Like I had anything to do with making the situation what it was? I AM the victim, and it is okay that I am the victim. His wife should have been one too, but she chose to stay in the disfunctional relationship and there are going to be penalities she's going to suffer because of that. I was very uncomfortable in persuing any type of action against Matt because of her- I did not want her to be affected, but what I was told at therapy, in outpatient, group... when she chose to stay with him, she also chose to suffer the consequences of his actions right along with him, and she was entitled to make that choice. So let her. That's what she wanted.  I've called over 30 law firms at this point. I've been told to go to WEAVE and VIVA for help. I'm not the bad guy in this, I'm the victim, and that's okay. And no matter what people say to me, I have to hold on to the facts of what happened, and that is, I was a victim. And this was not my fault.



I am so incredibly afraid of not being supported. My family did not stand up for me and was not there for me after it happened... I can't take any more hurt. Especially right now, when I am finally trying to take back my life.

Dreams

Since the interview, I've been having some seriously weird dreams. First, it started off with this really intense dream about me being in labor with my baby. (A baby I am definetly not pregnant with at current time.) It was this really long, intense dream... I can't say much more about it than that. I remember I was wearing blue, and my hair was up. I think I was having a girl, and I was holding a pillow. I don't remember pain or anything, I just remember this feeling of calmness. We had things we were doing to get ready, and somebody was helping me with that and I was holding the pillow and standing around the house waiting- in labor. It was very strange.  My only real guess about this is that I have  alot of friends who are pregnant right now, and I have alot of interest in natural labor, but I've never dreamed about something like that before. Weird. A couple friends on facebook said I should write it down. It might be one of those pre-deja-vous things... Of course considering how I feel about having babies because of this whole experience with Matt, I don't know if that will ever happen.

Last night I had another odd dream... about reconciling with Matt. THAT is definitely not something I ever considered consciously. In my dream... we were all there talking.. the wife, him, some friend of theirs, in some beach house.. but it was a beach house with grass, like one you'd see on the east coast. And for some reason I was sneaking around it, and they come back to the house, and it's fine that I'm there, like the wife plops on the couch like she knew I'd be there, tired and we all talk. I sit next to Matt and he's holding my hands and trying to kiss me and I tell him no because I don't want to hurt her. She finally walks away and then the police come, who, interestingly enough is some random guy I went to high school with- Matt Fry- who I don't even know if he works in law enforcement. He comes and leads us outside, unbeknownst to Sydney and we all walk quickly around the outsode of the building and he advises Matt on how to leave her, and they talk about the abuse he has gone through, from one cop to another.  Then he runs to the back door of the house to get all of his stuff as quickly as possible before she makes a scence and it gets out of hand.

...I guess my subconscious found some loophole? He's being abused and that made him do it?? I don't know, I woke up confused. In all these months, I have never considered this ever, I have never wanted that, ever. The guy in that body in that house is NOT the person I was with. He just isn't. That person is gone and he has been since August 3rd, he died. He can't ever come back. One of the things I've struggled with in therapy is the statement "He's not coming home." I'll tell her I just want him to come home, and she'll answer with that and I just lose it. It's a really powerful statement to me and REALLY upsetting. I can barely stand to hear it. I don't know, I guess, last night, in my dream, my subconcious found a way to bring him home in a way that would be okay. (I don't even know if that would be okay, but it was okay with me in the dream.)

I don't know what to say. That's just what I dreamed.