Nightmares

My nightmares are back. I'm having terrible, terrible nightmares. I dream he comes to the house. He hurts me. He comes to the front door with his fist clenched so tight- like he did that day in the house.

I dream he's been suspended from his job. I dream he's angry. I dream he doesn't care. I dream and dream and dream. I wake up startled that he's not there. The dog howling at noises on the porch makes my hair stand on end.

I'm scared.

I'm not sleeping well. I guess I should say I'm not sleeping at all. Last night I was up until 5am, and only after I put in one more call regarding that lawsuit against him. I woke up at 7am. I haven't been back to sleep since.

I have a newborn photo shoot today, thrown together at the last minute, the dad is shipping out- he's military and he's leaving tomorrow. I don't know how I am ever going to make it through. I'm so tired. The session is also in Matt's territory. It makes me nervous. Such happy, sweet memories now turned sour and scary.

Someone else has complained about him. Yes- a THIRD person. He threatened them. The only thing is I'm not entirely sure it's my Matty or not. I think that's triggering me partially. He sounds angry, pent up, and taking it out on the job.

I'm nervous.

Games People Play

Every night for the last year I have played the same game with myself.

How long can I possibly sit here and put off going to sleep?

No matter how tired I am, or how much I love sleeping... or how tired my animals are, already curled up in their own beds or under the covers even, still, I just do anything I can think of to just avoid putting down the distraction, and turning over to sleep.

Because that's when the tears come.

Just thinking about trying to stop distracting myself and going to sleep... and the tears stream down. I hate going to sleep. I hate being left alone with my thoughts. I hate feeling alone with him gone. Not "being alone" but of being alone in this life without him in it. And then angry for all that he has done.

I hate going to bed.

 

Source: http://www.etsy.com/listing/66752072/goodnight-moon-quote-board-on-canvas

Almost There

 Source:  http://www.etsy.com/listing/46589328/everything-is-alright-poster

I can't believe we're almost there.

Tomorrow it will be a year.  A year ago today I was beginning to suspect something was very wrong. My world was starting to crumble. A year ago tomorrow it was destroyed. I'm not ready for it to be a year already...

A lot of things have been happening.

The name that Matt had used while we were together- the name I knew him as, was the name of a real person, a co-worker, a police officer. A friend. They were friends on online I found out recently. Even more recently, they appear to no longer be friends... I think this is because they must have found out about the investigation. The "real" Matt, if you will, may or may not have known what my Matt did with his name tag when we were together. I have no idea. But he certainly found out once the Office of Investigations hauled him in for an interview about it... So I think he knows. I think they all know.  I can't think of any other reason why they would have suddenly severed ties with each other.

I reposted my case online [on a legal website], provided more information, and checked allot more boxes. I got allot of calls from attorneys, which freaked me out nicely. None appeared to have read my case anyway. Except one, who seemed genuinely interested. But he had a recent reprimand from the state bar. I read all of the information on it, and it's not THAT bad, considering, but I would prefer an attorney with a clean record, obviously. I already have trust issues, why would I hire someone who already has given reason not to trust them?

A friend did some research and found out that Matt is being sued by someone else. I'm trying to get my hands on as much information as possible. It was filed relatively recently (this year) and my head about exploded when I found out. It really brought to the forefront of my mind all those questions the investigators asked me at the start of the interview- "Why now? Why are you bringing this up now?" The suit had been filed about 5 weeks prior to me filing. I didn't know anything about it then, so it was truly just a coincidence and when they asked me, I told them the truth as it was: I realized we were closing in on a year, I was worried about too much time passing before filing a complaint, and I had been working on these issues in therapy for the last 10 months trying to get ready for this. I also had been unable to find any attorney and that was part of what I had been waiting on. I wanted to do that first. Since that hadn't happened yet, and I was closing in on my anniversary, I felt pressured and rushed (by myself) to take action. I was afraid that if I didn't file the complaint now and I couldn't find an attorney, that there would be no way to take any action against him, or to tell anyone in an official capacity what he had done. So I filed the complaint, very spur of the moment, a very rushed and hurried decision. But that was why. I just found out about this other lawsuit last week. The law suit is work related, but has escalated from local court to federal court already. It could be all fluff, or it might not be. But it probably didn't look good to have multiple complaints filed within such a short period of time, regardless of what happened with the other person.

I also found a way to commemorate my anniversary tomorrow. I am [hopefully] going to be spending it with three little boys, and their mom, who is expecting their baby brother or sister in the next couple of weeks. She lost her husband, suddenly, without warning, to an unknown medical condition a few months ago.  He was only 35. He kissed her goodnight and never woke up. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to get her message and request to do this family and maternity session for her. To do it on a day that means so much to me... I can't even... It means so much. It's what I needed, and it felt like it was God's steering us to each other to open that message. Finding her... to be able to do this for her... I couldn't be more relieved of my burden to give to someone else whose hurting on this day. It means SO much. So, so much.

I only worry because I haven't gotten a confirmation from her yet with the address and everything. I hope it's not too much for her. I'm a little nervous, but moreso very excited to get to spend time with her boys and really preserve this time in their lives. This last year has been hell for me, and I can imagine, it is for her too, but at the same time, you want to remember it because you want to remember where you have been so you know how far you've come. Also, this baby is this perfect present her husband left behind for her, and he or she isn't here yet... they are waiting to be unwrapped... and I get to preserve this last time she gets to be pregnant with this so special baby made out of the love between herself and her husband. That means so much to me. I just so hope that I get to do it....I get teary thinking about it.

Charlie Brown gets a Blankie

The kitties have lots and lots and LOTS AND LOTS of blankies that are just for them. Sweet, silky baby pink satin blankies backed with minky, baby blue squishy soft blankies... blankies, blankies everywhere. The kitties LOVE their blankies. I think Charlie got a white blankie to share with his brother and sister on the back of the couch so it wouldn't get so soiled with all that "paw traffic", but he doesn't really have a sauscie of his own. (Sauscie is what I called my special blankie when I was little. :) )


So today, I went to the fabric store (okay, Walmart, whatever) and got some fabric, and after several TORTURED hours at the sewing machine where the thread broke approximately 30+ times (not exaggerating) doing a blanket stitch around the edge of the zig zag, I got this little number whipped up for him!!! Tee-hee.

You can't see it here, but Charlie BB actually has a yellow and black zig zag tag too. I tried to flip it around but he was having none of that business.

   











   

(The zig zag does look alot better in person.. I dunno why it looks so uneven in the picture... I cut ONE M stacked in a chain- like a chain of paper dolls, so they really are all uniform. :shrug: It looks cue in person. )


He'll be getting a Charlie Brown sweater in the mail this week or next too. Too much? It is his name after all.

Small Victory (and some concerns)

 I spent most of Sunday in bed, crying and asking God to bring Matt home. It was not a high moment in my life.

Let's not talk about it.

It just reminds me that I am still grieving.

Saturday was just a draining, exhausting day overall. I shot an all-day wedding in near 100 degree heat- all outside, hours without water, and driving home extremely ill with a migraine- I was probably very vulnerable to an emotional breakdown just because I was so run down from the day before. It's no wonder I had a bad day.

So, I want to tell you about the small victory I had today, but I know now that there is someone reading my blog I specifically did not invite, and am not really friends with anymore, and I'm not comfortable talking about it because that person is a big gossip and likes to throw information around to make themselves sound important and to put other people down.

Fantastic. So now I'm in a position of censuring myself. I'm not sure what I should do. If I should change my blog address or make it private or what.  Right now I feel like I should go back and change names and details because this person is such a busy body. People who have left comments... I'm fine with all of you guys. People who are following, I love you guys, please stay. But I'm not sure how to fix this. It's not like MySpace where you can block certain users from reading.

I feel very frustrated.

I'm not having a good night.

Source: http://www.etsy.com/listing/76414082/everything-was-beautiful-and-nothing

I'm not having a good night. I am watching Will & Grace. Will & Grace was Matt's favorite. It would just make him crack up just talking about it. He would send me pictures of him watching Will & Grace in his patrol car while he was doing overtime shifts. (Which entail sitting parked at CalTrans construction sites and not ever moving, he said movie watching was fine; he preferred Will & Grace marathons. I don't actually know if this was okay or not now...)

Everytime I missed him, I would watch the show. Early on in our dating he commented people often said he looked like Jack and that he used to do the "Jack-2000!" impression thing. I hadn't noticed it at all before, but once he said it, I kind of cocked my head to the side (much like my beagle) and totally saw it. Matt was so soft spoken and gentle with me and the way he laughed, he could totally be feminine about it- but in a FUNNY way. He wasn't girly, but, I don't know, what was it they said on FRIENDS? That Chandler just had a "quality" about him that made everyone think he was gay? Well I NEVER thought Matt was gay, never, never, never, but he did have that "quality" of... something. He could totally be Jack. lol  But not in a bad way, in a sweet way. He would do a Jack impression and it was just, LOL, it was adorable. So when I look at Jack being ridiculously flamboyant... I think of Matty. (He was very manly to me too, he just had... a quality... lol.)

And right now, I just miss him and I feel like I am missing out on our relationship. Right now, in this moment, I don't hear any of the bad things he did. They are just gone, POOF'ed out of my head. All I hear and see and remember is this sweet, gentle, loving man who took care of me and loved me. He would wrap me in his arms and I would bury my head in the middle of his chest and he would ask me how my day was. And it was better because he was in it. My life was better with him in it. And it has been worse with him absent from it. And I know, that yes, knowing the truth has saved me, saved my life; my life will be better in the long run and while it has not been good this last year, it should, theorhetically, get better from here on out.  But I don't feel that tonight. Tonight I just miss my partner. I want our life back, and our dreams back.

I want him to come home.

 

Source: http://www.etsy.com/listing/77702890/ministry-of-poster-l004-opened-doors