The First Supper

As we all know, I've been struggling with eating. Living off turkey sandwiches on wonderbread is not exactly normal.

So I have a big announcement! Today, for the first time since everything happened, I had a Lean Cuisine! I did! And I ate it! and I didn't throw it up!

Let's review THE FIRST SUPPER.

It was a chicken veggie bacon ranch diet flatbread thing for around 350 calories. It was a bit too flavorfull. Too creamy. The chicken was a bit much and I fed some of it to the cats. But I did eat it. So that's good...

Unfortuately, it also made me sick. It gave me a really horrible stomache ache and it went right through me. Not so good.

But I tried something else....

***

Earlier today, or maybe it was yesterday I went over to my blog, this blog. And I saw my header staring back at me. And it surprised me. I felt stunned and a little sick and I had to change the page.

***

Meet me on Monday

1. What is the best dish you can make?

Hmmm. I have absolutely no idea! My favorite thing to make for myself is probably veggie fajitas: red and yellow bell peppers, red onions, summer squash and zuchini dry stir fried with pam and garlic salt, loaded in a tortilla warmed in the pan, and spread with fresh guacamole, made with creamy avodcado, garlic salt, lime juice, little chopped red onion, finely chopped cilantro. Sometimes I do pico, sometimes I do tomatos, salsa. More often than not I just go the simple route.

In my family I am known for my pies.

I'm not really sure if I have a best dish!

2. How often do you change your sheets?

...You're supposed to change your sheets?

3. What is the longest car trip you have ever taken?

We drove all over the western US as a family trip when I was 8. We went from Orange County CA to Las Vegas to Nebraska, Kansas, South Dakota, Yellostone... we went everywhere. More recently with me driving I went from Sacramento CA to Provo, UT. That was over 10 hours.

4. What is your favorite fruit?

I really am not a fruit person. But my favorite would have to be a HUCKLEBERRY! Even though I have never eaten an actual fresh hucklberry. I have only ever had huckleberry jam, preserves, candy, etc. But it's my favorite. Otherwise I guess I would say raspberries or boysenberries, strawberries? Not really a big fruit person. It usually rots in my fridge if I buy it. As an adult I have wised up and now I freeze it.

5. Would you rather have breakfast for dinner or dinner for breakfast?

Okay, this so confused me at first. But I would rather have breakfast for breakfast and dinner for dinner! Aren't we allowed to think INSIDE the box!? I guess if I have to pick breakfast for dinner is okay. But dinner for breakfast would be okay too. I do that half the time anyway! When you don't get out of bed until 3, or if you just plain old don't eat your first meal of the day until 9pm at night, well then, aren't you eating dinner for breakfast?

Wondering

#1 I am breaking out in hives.

#2 I keep finding approximately inch long white hairs growing out of the top of my head. WHAT? An inch implies new growth, which implies that it is some sort of stress factor related to all of this. So are you telling me I am going to be some balding white haired lady before I'm 30? Are you KIDDING me?

#3 I went to the anxiety class; I had them bill me. I'm not going to go to the depression support group. Of course the second I typed that I now feel overwhelemed with anxiety about not going and I don't know if I can handle not going even though I can't afford it and AHHHHH.

#4 I started wondering today (well it's 330am so I guess yesterday) whether I had betrayed Matt because I went and told his wife when I found out instead of going to him to discuss it and talk about it with him. Did I betray our relationship by doing that? Suddenly I feel like I"ve done something wrong, like I wronged him, like maybe he is angry with me. It made me upset. My thinking is probably convaluted but it made me upset to think about that.

#5 Some man tried to approach me on the street while I was trying to look at a flyer for a house and wouldn't leave me alone. There was probably nothing wrong with him, but I couldn't bear to look up at him and just kept looking at the paper and trying to walk away and make him go away. I don't know what to do. I don't want them to talk to me. I don't want MEN to talk to me. I want them to go away. They scare me, they make me anxious, I'm afraid they are going to do something to me, I'm afraid they are going to hurt me and I want to run away and cry when they approach me but that makes me a crazy person so I have to find something else to do, so what do I do???

#6 Allison, my friend, assigned me the homework of inspecting some random man's shoes in my anxiety class as some sort of desensitizing exercise. I got there late and ended up sitting by the door so while I was staring at the floor, per usual, I got to check out everyone's shoes when they came in. I think I saw work boots and blue flip flops and some nasty old man's bare feet again. Am I cured now?

I want to SCREAM and THROW THINGS I am so frustrated!

The dough that doesn't rise.

This is me.



I am bread dough.



But I am jacked up bread dough.



Because I don't rise.



I just get blobbier.

A sticky, blobby, blubbery mess of goop that never rises or grows and just gets messier every day.

That is what I have turned in to. That's what I feel like every day...

*

I weighed myself again. I lost some more. Not too much. So, I guess that is okay.

Still on the wonderbread diet. Amazing, all these weeks later and turkey sandwiches on wonderbread just really doesn't get old. How is that possible?

Practical advice time:

I am having trouble filling out the Kaiser paperwork... I have to call and ask them questions. This is difficult because all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep and cry. So is it worth the effort of filling it out? Probably, but it is going to take me awhile to get it filled out. I need to present bank statements and show how much I have paid out of pocket to my HMO in the last year. How exactly to do that I have no idea...

Anyway the question is do I go to my groups this week? It will cost me $50 to go to both... One is an anxiety class, that is Thursday, and the other is a support group for depression, that is Friday. I honestly feel completely incapable of making descions. I was going to email my therapist since she runs the second group and knows about my money problem, but they don't usually tell you what to do... I have been much, much weepier this week than I have been since I don't know when. I just think of him all day long. Hold his shirt. Cry. Miss him. Want it to all go away. Go to sleep... Wonder what the point is in doing anything at all anyway...

Not that I am anticipating this as being an issue any time soon, especially since I am flirting with agoraphobia (where you're afraid of leaving the house), but I still want something prepared, so I can have a long time to think about it and be prepared. What if somebody asks me out or tries to set me up? I don't know what to say. A man approached me at a wedding the weekend before last and was trying to talk to me about my camera and I was super panicky. There wasn't anything wrong with him; he was nicely dressed, attractive, there alone, but he scared the crap out of me and I didn't know how to get away from him. Under ordinary circumstances I would just chit chat, mention my sweetheart at home, flash my ring, and move along. This time I felt trapped. Since most of my friends still think Matt and I are together (as far as I know anyway... I haven't said anything to them) I don't anticipate it being an issue immediately but I want to be prepared. What do I say or do?

I almost cried in the line at Walmart yesterday. Some middle aged guy tried to stand super close next to me when I was putting my stuff on the conveyor and I asked him to move away and he wouldn't. I actually picked up the cart and pushed it inbetween us to get him to move away from me and he wouldn't. I was pinned against the check out thing and between my cart and people were staring and the guy was some kind of Eastern European and I couldn't understand what he was saying and I started getting so upset and everybody was staring.... Finally the checker realized that the guy had been at the counter before trying to buy something else earlier and had had an issue and that's why he was up so close. I don't know why he didn't just go up to the checker and why he was standing next to my hip like that and touching me but it scared me and startled and upset me. I think the language thing was the primary problem. The checker apologized... I really don't want to feel this way or to experience this stuff. I don't want to go in public and be afraid. I don't want to be upset all the time! I don't want to cry because some guy stands too close to me in line at WalMart.

What happened to me?

Emily's terrible, no good, very bad day.

First, for anybody that missed it, or has any questions or comments regarding pictures, please read the comments from my last post. I seriously can't handle any more discussion on that front because it is too upsetting.



Today was a really terrible, no good very bad day... someone just reminded me of that book and well, it's currently the theme of my life so why not make it a blog title?



I had some serious mental breakdowns in the last 24 hours regarding my fianances and trying to get help for myself. I realized I'm paying right around $500 out of pocket in co-pays, fees, etc for Kaiser this month ALONE. Did I mention that (despite the fanciness of my work blog and being published and all) I haven't had income in months and I am living on my savings? So every penny that I am paying out trying to help myself dig out of this pit of hell is really just digging me deeper in, because once I run out of money, where am I supposed to go? A cardboard box? What am I supposed to do, be the bag lady with a couple of cats loitering around the target parking lot?



Anyway, I engaged in several hysterical crying phone calls, which decrased in hysteria with each following call I made, but still. I don't know how I'm supposed to pay for all of this. They have me in all of these classes and support groups and I have to go in and see the N.P. and have my medication monitored, all of which costs a crapload of money. I finally found private counseling! Oh yeah! Great, right? With an intern! So it's cheap, right? Nope! $40 a session! That's only $10 less than Kaiser, and when I realized on Thursday afternoon just how much money I had paid in copays this week alone (over $100) I instantly wanted to cancel that therapy appointment that I have tried for so many weeks to get- But on, no! They have a required 24 hours cancelation policy so I couldn't cancel it! So there's another $40! I burst into tears as soon as I got in her office but she didn't offer me any concessions. My mom (who is a therapist) made the comment that when she was an intern (which wasn't all that long ago mind you) that she didn't get paid at all, so this intern who had told me she gets less than half of what I pay her... well, is that my problem?! But now what am I supposed to do?



I had another meltdown in the depression group I went to today about it as well. I tried to find the leader to talk to her about this before I paid to see if she thought I should stay or not and I couldn't find her and I didn't know what to do so I went down and paid- well I guess I forgot my credit card because all I had was my debit. I charge EVERYTHING. I charge it so I can juggle it for a few months, and because I need to reserve every penny of cash I have for things I have to pay in cash- like rent. And I had to pay for the freaking class in cash.




Then when I got back up to the room there were a bunch of men in there. I don't know if I have mentioned this already on the blog but I have been having major issues being around men- being around any man in general is triggering anxiety and panic attacks. The second I got back in the room and realized there were men in there I wanted to run back out screaming.



I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself.


The positive thing about group though was that instead of talking about my big issues, I talked about this money thing, and somebody told me Kaiser has special programs for people in financial crisis. I went to member services after the meeting and first stated to the rep how embarrassed I was to be there, said I needed help, and promptly then burst into tears becoming instantly incomprehendable. The person got the gist and got me the paperwork. They said it was okay and everything would be okay and it wasn't a big deal to ask for help and I just needed to get some paperwork together to verify I don't have any income coming in and to mark all of the papers as urgent and get it in the mail as quickly as possible. So I have the papers, but when I read through the directions myself there are a few more things I need and some things I'm not sure how to fill out or answer.





(Like, I'm supposed to total the amount I have paid out of pocket to Kaiser in the last year. But my credit card, being retarded, only lets you search statements from the last 90 days, so how the freak am I supposed to comb through all these statements and tally it up, and how am I supposed to tell the different between a copay and me buying chapstick in the pharmacy?)





I feel really overwhelmed. This is good, but I am so incredibly overwhelmed and I feel like I don't know if I can do it. I know I have to, but it's just so much.





And now the real reason why I sat down to write tonight and the only thing I intended on sharing with you all when I started typing:





All day, all evening, all I am thinking about, dreaming, day dreaming, fantasizing about... I miss him. I just miss him. I miss how he smells. How he laughs and teased me. How he hugged me and cuddled into the side of my face. I miss wrestling and playing with him. I miss holding his hand. I miss his arms around me. He used to spend so much time just looking at me in the face, looking me in the eye. Just happy. We'd just look at each other. We were so happy. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I miss how he would hug me and pull me into the middle of his chest and I would feel so small and so protected with him there. I miss standing on tip toe to kiss him. I miss hearing him tell me how much he loved me.





I just miss him. I would give anything if I could just have my life back; if my Matty could come home to me and none of this had ever happened or had ever been true. If he had just been the person he said he was, the person he always was with me, and the man I loved so much and admired with every part of my being.

I miss him, and I love him so much.

John Tucker must die

I am watching this ridiculous movie right now on cable. (John Tucker must die, hence my title post). A couple more things are clicking into place for me right now while I watch these teen movie- about a guy who was three timing his girlfriends.

Matt's a liar. He was always a liar. He lied and manipulated and used me. He knew exactly what he was doing from the moment he came up with the idea and had no intention of ever telling anyone or getting caught and would have just gone on indefinetly as long as it benefited him.

He was an absolute and total liar and manipulator. His make up is of the worst traits a person could possibly be.

When his wife emailed me, before she threatened me, one of the things she said was that she was "still so in love with" her husband and that she "didn't get married for just a little while," she "got married for forever." Fair enough.

But how long did he get married for? He already broke all of his marriage vows. If you break your vows, have no remorse, spent at least half of your marriage living a lie- and that's a MINIMUM of half of your marriage, it could have been more for all I know... They have been married for 4 years and he was with me for almost 2 of those years. What meaning do those vows have for him? He wasn't the one who came clean here, he wasn't the one who stopped the relationship or felt guilty or anything. He got caught and now he's just obeying orders.

What kind of a marriage is that? What does that say about how he is treating the relationship or the marriage or how he values it? Nobody what he is saying, look how he has and is acting? One of the first things his wife said when he got in the house was, "No wonder you never wear your f-ing wedding ring" and grabbed his hand and flung it back at him. He wasn't even wearing his ring then. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks because he had been so "depressed" over turning down that federal agent job he had been offered (all lies) and he wanted some space to figure things out. He wasn't even wearing his wedding ring in his own house, coming home to this mess.

What does that say?

Is this really the example of a healthy realtionship that I would want to be setting for my daughter? That this is how men should treat women? Look at how daddy treats mommy? Look at what daddy did to this woman?

I was driving around the other day and it occured to me that he dragged me, really they both dragged me, into their marital problems. When he came looking for me, they obviously already had serious issues, otherwise what on earth was he doing with a paid for subscription to a dating service? 10 days after his daughter was born? I was looking for the right person for me and I got duped and dragged into some other person's martital drama. How did this even happen?

Something that bugs me about that day in the house... I think about this alot. One of the many times his wife called to scream at him on the phone while he was on his way back to the house, she told him that their daughter wouldn't be there when he got there because He didn't get to see her right now. That just struck me as an odd comment coming from my side of the situation. As soon as his daughter was born, he created an entirely new identity for himself where he had no children, no responsibilities and found excuses to spend days, nights, evenings, weekends, as much time as possible away from his family. Did he really care whether he saw her?

I'm sure he does, it's just one of those statements that just stuck with me.