On finding point and purpose

I've reflected a lot the last year on what exactly "the point" is the last year. Living with intention, and "What exactly is it that makes you happy?"
"What do you want to do with your life?"
"What are the things you want to do?"

Some things I thought of were:

• traveling
• cooking and baking
• learning the guitar
• improving my foreign language skills (I know French, German and ASL fairly terribly)
• gardening and growing my own food stuffs
• being more intentional with my actions

I have reflected on the travel piece a number of times, and I try to take advantage of every holiday weekend I can. This year I have been to Australia (including the island of Tasmania), China, Olympic National Park, Mount Rainier National Park, Seattle, (car camped on that trip), Mount Lassen National Park, Yosemite National Park, Connecticut (Gilmore Girls Fan Fest! Amazing!), Asilomar (just for a conference) and I'll travel to the UK, Turkey, and eastern Europe (Poland, Hungary, Slovenia and Croatia, as well as ring in the new year in Paris this year. I want to see everything I can. 

As far as cooking, I probably am not improving much on that front, but I did become vegetarian this year, (for the 4th time), but this is the longest I have stuck with this. Tying in to that "living intentionally," idea, I have always been bothered over the idea of the treatment of animals, and the longer I go without consuming meat, the more I am overwhelmed with conviction about my decision. I never cared much about meat before, unless it was very processed so I really don't feel like I am missing out. The only thing I miss might be McDonald's and that's not that big of a deal. I can get a cheeseburger with not meat, and I still get the same experience with the fries, toy and the tiny onions, which I love! I also have found so much reward with intentionally avoiding plastic, processed food, and preparing food for myself. I eat out so much less, and get MOST of my food from the farmer's market. 

Connecting to this, I learned to bake my own sourdough this year, as well as kombucha. This eliminated my need for soda because I brew my own at home! It's so easy, very little effort and makes me feel like I am doing something good for my body and i am saving SO MUCH ALUMINUM AND WASTE! I don't feel like I am rotting my teeth or giving myself brain cancer anymore by drinking LaCroix or soda by the case load. Instead I get fruit from the farmer's market once a week, infuse it, and let it ferment. That's it!

The sourdough I was eating too much of, so I made sourdough pancakes and English muffins, and mastered mixing in nuts and herbs from the garden and when I had mastered all of that I just started giving away my loaves. It's been loads of fun, and again I am delighted in being able to maintain a project, know exactly what's going in my body and it's so much cheaper. And so much less waste. 

I've made no progress on learning the guitar or progressing with my language skills, and my garden suffered severely this year as I was off my feet for six months with my foot injury. I was in a boot and then a cast, and crutches and a scooter from March- August this year and that kept me from getting to the backyard at all. I did get tomatoes and peppers down and they are still producing. Better luck next year. I just put down radish seed. We'll see how that goes. 

I'm still alone. I struggle so much because Clifton never ceases contact and I cannot bear to let go, but I cannot move on if he is talking to me. I am more isolated than ever. I love my little house, but I don't want to live here and struggle internally so much. I am getting older and haven't moved forward with the life milestones I had hoped I had reached by now. The depression is so normalized that coming out of a spell to dysthymia was enough to terminate with my therapist. I am confused by my alternating low self esteem (which I had never experienced before), and a deep conviction of how much I like myself and my hobbies and interests and why WOULDN'T someone like me or want to date me? It's so mixed up. 

Beyond this, my weight is up again, quite a bit, and I want to get it under control and I am unsure how. Every time I have become vegetarian in the past I have gained weight, the sedentary last year due to my injury was of no help to that plight and now I find myself 36 pounds above goal weight and no progress thus far. I am doing yoga several days a week now (that's good), and my steps are up, but I'm not consistently hitting my step goal (was 8,000 but I bumped it to 10,000 today despite only hitting 2,500 today... ugh.)  and I've gone to the gym maybe 4 times since I've gotten out of the boot. 

I WANT to get back to my goal weight and I want to make progress on my life. Where do you get the motivation to do that?

I also constantly find myself seeking "something." I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm looking for... I look at etsy and instagram and pinterest but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm missing the art in my life? I'm not sure. I'm seeking something, but... I have no idea what. I wish I could go back to eating chicken breasts and vegetables but I just can't bear to do it. 

On feeling worthless

No matter what experiences I've gone through- break ups, bad reviews, family fights, dropping out of law school- I've never thought of myself of "less than" or "unworthy."

For the first time, that's not true anymore. Since the break up with Clifton and changing managers (twice) since then, and coming to some resolutions about what I want for my life going forward (essentially nothing...) I have felt my life has no value, meaning or purpose. I am worthless. Literally no one wants me. It doesn't matter what I do or how many degrees I have and or how many publications I have, I am unwanted.

My family doesn't want me. They haven't asked me to spend a holiday with them in years.
I no longer visit close friends. I was asked not to.
Every partner I've had who has meant anything to me has left me.
My friends from college or grad school have told me things like they "might have a work assignment due two weeks from now so it's important they stay close to home." Or, I offered to come visit so we could all spend time together and go to a game together. "Oh I think we'd rather stay home." Ok. So I won't come fly a couple of states to come visit you then... because you don't want to walk ten minutes across your town. No suggestions of other activities so I'm going to take that as you are uninterested in general.
My thoughts and feelings in general are dismissed- at work, by friends. I asked a friend to trim a piece of hair I couldn't reach on the back of my head. She "textured" it with kitchen shears. It's horrifically uneven. I asked her why she did that and she said because that was better. It's my head, my body- did that matter? No.

I don't have any desire to be vulnerable any more. I don't want to be close to anyone, which goes against every fiber of my insides. I miss Clifton terribly and we had been texting all the time- something I thought meant something but it apparently didn't. A month of daily messages and we haven't seen each other. I'm not good enough.

It tears me up because there are things I use to want and I just can't anymore.

This horrible person at work harasses me about my personal life, laying on pressure about why I should do this or that or return to dating. I find it deeply offensive and violating that he talks about my life like this and yet he continues. I feel like I've lost my voice. I can't speak for myself anymore.

The rage of feeling unheard

I have a couple of friends- one a good friend I've known for a long time, and one I've known briefly and whom I'd refer to more as an "associate."

The first, I love. The second I like. Neither hear my words. I find this sometimes frustrating and occasionally infuriating.

With my beloved friend I have attempted to bring up some questions I've been having with myself about my lack of desire or interest in dating. I have taken a step back and begin to explore this on a larger level. I've had some serious traumas, sure. That affects me, sure. But... I don't really feel anything for others a lot of the time and it takes me quite a bit for me  to feel close to someone. I don't relate to folks who have crushes on celebrities or people they don't know or have just met. I need to know someone pretty well before I can feel really anything. Months of online "dating" or corresponding before I'm ready to meet or allow things to progress is very normal and even then things move at a snails pace. Forget physical.

I tried sharing some of my (deeply personal, extremely vulnerable) thoughts with her about this and she challenged me at every turn. The first time I brought it up, she appropriated the feelings and said she felt that way often too. She then launched into a hormonal, sexualized tirade expressing the exact opposite of my lack of interest-exemplifying she really had no idea what I meant. I felt frustrated I couldn't share or talk about something I felt very emotional and confused about. The second time I brought it up, I was more assertive, intentionally so, and she equally assertively told me what I was sharing was the "opposite" of how she had experienced my personality in my twenties.

This is untrue. First, no one knows what has truly gone on inside my head except me- or my relationships. Secondly, everything I've written above has always been true. I relate to having crushes on characters- because they have fully formed personalities you know, with back stories. But I didn't care about the actors- I wished the characters were real. I just felt totally ignored and cast aside in this conversation and for someone I've known for a long time and trust, I was frustrated.

On to the second vent.

The newer friend likes to project dating ideals on me. I've been very vocal about my absolute opposition to dating. I am done. I have been burned three times in 18 months. The break up with Daniel was crushing and losing Clifton is still so fresh, so sad and still feels like such an error- I have no interest in repeating these jaunts down emotional turmoil lane again. I do not speak in absolutes but I am now. I am not interested in marriage, kids, dating or even being touched. I don't want anything remotely resembling emotional vulnerability in my life again. I quit. The only thing I desire is contentment with myself, which is hard enough.

Having said this loudly and angrily and repeatedly not just after I realized Clifton was probably not coming back, but every single time I see her- this woman has continued to try to force dating scenarios on me. Staring with forcing apps on me. First she tried to spam me with some ridiculous (and expensive) new platform. I was ticked. Why would I want to be spammed, first of all? Secondly, I am still actively talking to Clifton. What is wrong with you? Even if I was interested, it's totally wrong on my part because my heart is obviously somewhere else. That's not the way to do things.

Then she's trying to pass off her dating rejects on me. That's right. This woman is several years older than me, we have zero overlap in who we would date- her type: education irrelevant, 40s-50s, divorced, kids, etc. If I were to date st all, which I am absolutely not, the kind of partner I'd be dating would be highly educated, childless, rootless or open to being so, an active traveler, never married and probably still learning about themselves. And very liberal. Someone who would be ready to commit but also ready to scoop up and start over somewhere new shortly. Someone still leaning. And definetly no more than early thirties.

I meet one of her dates at a concert- he's an old man. He makes aggressive comments against the homeless and mentally ill. He went to school online. His kids are in their twenties. He's at least in his late 40s. He "works freelance." (Are you unemployed?)

It doesn't work out between them and she is OVER THE MOON to set me up with him! WHAT? First, he's so old! Secondly, how many times have I said I don't want to date? And he was horribly offensive with the microaggressions against transient communities- it was gross. I didn't even want to hang out with him on her date! He was terrible! AND I DONT WANT TO DATE! I would have kept my mouth shut if she liked him but really? What exactly did she think we had in common? Beyond the fact I'm not available, we share no interests and he could literally be my dad.

I just want to be heard. Is anybody listening?

The thirty something single wanderer

What exactly is it that I am supposed to be doing right now?

I'm 34. I am single. I have a good, stable job that generates enough income to both pay my bills and purchase the occcasional plane ticket. I even get to blow money at Target from time to time and they haven't threatened to cut the power off in my house for months. I threw an extra $50 at my student loans last week. I don't want to be in a relationship again. At least not in the foreseeable future.

Now what?

I feel restless, depressed and unhappy. Something is missing. Maybe a lot of things are missing.

This dissatisfaction I feel overall is pretty high and I spend most weekends wracked with anxiety and crying over I'm not even sure what. Missing Clifton. Missing an emotional connection with anyone really. I'm not close to my family and while I would like to have that, we just aren't a match.

I went out last night with some friends and that was fine, but when it was said and done it didn't really feel like me anymore. Standing in a cold garage listening to a band play, I felt irritated and tired. I wanted to go back home and sit on the couch in front of the tv.

But when I am sitting at home, I feel anxious and tired. Sitting at home all day I am overwhelmed with emotional exhaustion and often fall asleep. What is wrong with me? Is this all just depression? Or am I running ragged?

I'm working over 50 hours a week on site at work and some hours beyond that at home. Then I'm taking 6 units at Berkeley. That requires 8 hours of commuting a week, which in turn requires a whole lot of decompression time. I'm an introvert and on my non-class days I really just want to be away from people. I do enjoy my commute, but I feel tired. My sister was diagnosed with cancer recently and it's very serious. But we also don't have a relationship and not to make excuses but my schedule overwhelms me when I try to think of some way to help. I would like to help and I offered to, but when I get to the days I am home, I am looking at 10 hours of homework. A trip to the grocery store for myself is difficult, let alone for someone else; cooking and driving 40 minutes elsewhere and delivering a meal in a timely manner seems impossible. Even writing that and thinking about executing or planning that again overwhelms me. And that's just the functional parts. That's not even touching all of the emotional baggage that goes with that interaction, which is huge and stressful. She and I are not a match for each other. I want to be there. But I don't know how to cope with any of this.

Back to the beginning.

I'm looking for something more. I would like to move. As my friend said, I have outgrown Sacramento. I am bored. I want more. I need something fresh. I also need emotional support and I don't have a support system here. My friends aren't here and the ones that are aren't really a fit. They are younger or older or in different life places. I don't have much in common with couples of any age-and their primary interest is in getting me coupled- or using me as a temporary escape from their partner. Squeezing me in here and there. Single folks much younger or much older have different agendas. I don't really know anyone in my same life place. I can't honestly think of a single person with a relatable position. So now what?

I started classes at Berkeley last spring but I haven't met a close friend in that group yet. One person I enjoy, but keep in mind, they live in the bay, and this many months in and I still don't have their email  or phone number. We aren't exactly besties.

I would like to move somewhere out of state. The mid Atlantic, or Northeast or Pacific Northwest. I'm not really sure. I'm at least a year from being able to make such a move, but it's on my brain. I would need to be really smart and calculated about doing such a thing. I'd have to complete my program at Berkeley first, and apply for jobs. The latter could take a year all it's own. I'm not sure. Getting this job took 18 months. I don't think I'd be willing to leave for a pay cut and living in a more expensive area or for a lower quality of life. I have it pretty good already- I would want equal or an upgrade. It's not an end all be all, but I want to keep moving forward career wise and get to where I want to be in higher ed.

Something else is missing though. I'm not really sure what it is though. Maybe that connection with another person? Clifton leaving me behind certainly left a huge void in my heart. He was such a huge emotional support and his absence is difficult. I miss him, every day. He was so good to me. It wasn't perfect, but it was so, so good and I really couldn't have asked for more. I think of those 7 months and it feels like a whirlwind though. I was like a little torpedo I was moving so fast. I feel like I was very demanding and needed so much all the time. I'm not sure if that's an accurate perspective but I feel that way right now. I always needed to be stimulated and to go out and be busy and I was always just... so fast. Now I move so slow. I always want to be home and do nothing and that feels good. Clifton would enjoy my rhythms so much right now. Laying in bed and doing nothing forever. This was basically his ultimate fantasy. I wish I could show him I like being quiet sometimes too. It's odd looking back on those months. They were SO HAPPY for me. Like I was so pumped full of happy hormones I couldn't slow down. I have no idea. Now I'm so full of sad I am just marinating in it.

I miss him. Maybe that's what I am feeling. All that remains now is the memories.

Personal Practice (Clifton)

[A proposal of words to say upon meeting after a shattering of hearts.]

Thanks for meeting me. 

I'd like to talk a bit before we do anything else. 

I need this for me. 

I feel like we are making a huge mistake here. 

I feel like I said and have been saying all of the wrong things and have been really rude and insensitive because I just didn't think how it would come off to you.  

It didn't really occur to me until the weekend but, when I thought I was trying to check in with you, it probably just sounded really complain-y and passive aggressive on the couch that night. 

When I really thought about it, it probably sounded like an ultimatum. Which is not what I have meant at all. All I wanted was to hear what you thought and I 1.) don't think I ever asked that question very well and 2.) I think you tried to tell me as best you could that that's just not something you can do right now and I could not hear you. 

That's mea culpa. 

I've never done this before and I know that's a really lame excuse but it's the truth and I'm really sorry for how that felt on the receiving end. It probably sounded like some kind of fucked up all or nothing and never in a thousand years did I think that. If I thought that's what a relationship had to be like, I can totally see being apprehensive about being in one. 

I'm really sorry I did that to you.

Clifton, when I told you I was committed, I meant it. Our relationship can be whatever we want it to be. We can set whatever boundaries or rules we want. If we each need more alone time to do stuff that's OK. This is our relationship and we set the rules. I had told you I was so bored lately. I realized in the spring I had class one night, yoga another and homework! My life was crazy. No wonder it feels so empty now. It's not your responsibility to fill every hole. 

I just love having my buddy to share life with and that's what I want to do. I need to find some balance here. I love being home but I need to find ways to be intellectually stimulated away from work because it's so stressful. I know you already have a lot of this figured out. I really want us to start fresh here. I really believe it would be a mistake not to. It would be a disservice to us both to not fully see this year out. Our relationship is the BEST and we have so much more to do with each other. I really do not care about the rest as long as I'm with you. 

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Easter Brunch at Evan's Kitchen

This was such a fun date! Clifton had been boasting of his bottomless mimosas with his roommate at a neighborhood joint in East Sac and I wanted in on the fun. I had honestly hoped to crash their party but the two of us ended up going together and that was just fine. I had never spent a holiday with a boyfriend before and it was really sweet and special! The bunny had left us baskets in the morning, and we had brunch after! :) It was a rainy day and the 57th Street Antique Mall was closed- Clifty really had wanted to take me, but we had such a sweet morning. I had a tri tip eggs benedict, but with the eggs scrambled because runny eggs are so gross to me.

We took so many pictures outside afterwards. Such a good, good day.

It is so nice being with someone who isn't shy of taking pictures with me! This has always been such an issue for me and this was just effortless!