Uneasy

Driving home from my sister's tonight I started feeling uneasy thinking about things. I swear, everything changes day to day: my feelings, my stability... I don't know, it just feels like it is ever-changing, and yet, at the same time, nothing ever changes.

What I was thinking was how Matt manipulated and toyed and used my emotions and attachment to him to his advantage. I don't like saying that, but I know it's true because I have the facts now, and there is no alternative explanation.

In October, I broke things off with Matt (it was sort of mutual, but I initiated it and he was ok with it; he agreed) because the long distance just was not working with how his schedule was at the time and how much effort he was putting in. He had to go on-shift in the middle of the conversation, and never called me back so we never wrapped things up, which was... I don't know...unnerving? Rude? Something. A week later I was working at a wedding and he texted me and told me his dad had been rushed to the hospital because he had gone numb on one side. Sounded to me like he was having another stroke. I was REALLY upset, I even told the bride at the wedding what was going on and told him as soon as the wedding was over that I would drive up to Redding if he needed my support.

I didn't hear from him for a couple of weeks and ended up combing through the obituaries to see if his dad had DIED. When I finally heard from him, after texting and calling and emailing every day, he casually said that "it was a minor concern, but it was fine."

Now knowing NONE of that was true, what was the point? To gain sympathy and attention? To which he didn't even take advantage of? To feel like I was crawling at his feet or something?

And then... him coming back in February and begging for forgivness for everything and saying all the right things, asking for support through the rough period of his appealment hearing for his job, asking me to put our issues on hold for him that night he stayed here, the first night I had seen him in a very long time and the first since we had smoothed things over. And he got me to agreed to not discuss anything... we had pizza, watched a movie and he tried to make the moves on me (which I ignored). When he was sweet talking me on the phone before the visit, he told me that he had driven down here to empty out his house and sign papers to foreclose it and he was so depressed because he had just lost his job, and his house and he felt like he had nothing because he didn't have me.

But none of that was true. NONE of it. It was pure manipulation. It had to be. There is no other explanation for it. Right?

And in addition to that, none of that was necessary either. I was waiting for him to come back... I just needed him to apologize and accept responsibility for his actions (or rather, lack of actions) and let me talk about it, and do better. I didn't need some big orchestrated song and dance to guilt me into coming back to him. What was the point?

Also, knowing there never was a appeal hearing, that was a ploy in order to spend the night at my house. Because he wanted to "drive down the night before" so he wouldn't be stressed driving 2 hours in the morning.... But really he was probably driving 15-20 minutes from his house. Or maybe he came from his office. I don't know. I don't know how he explained the longer absences from home... I mean, I just...? He spent ALOT of time with me at some points... a lot of our time was limited because his "grandparents were taking the family out to dinner in Dunsmuir to celebrate the new job as a special agent at ATF"..... and he had to leave by 4pm in order to arrive on time and get dressed and stuff... and typing that now I realize... 4pm... I bet they get home from work at 5pm. And he had to be home by then. Because he was probably supposed to be home during the day. So he had to make it look like he had been there all day. Not on a date with me, hanging out with me and fooling around with me all afternoon. Right.

What is wrong with him?

Blubbery Mess

I have Pride and Prejuidice playing in the background and just the music and my feelings are making me weepy.

I want my Matty. I miss my Matty. I want him to come home. I want him to hug me and hold me and tell me he loves me and everything is ok. Like he has always done.

I don't want this woman's husband, Matt Langford, I don't even know who he is. I want who I knew, Matt Timmons. That man was my partner, my love, my BEST friend! I've never had a man tell me I was their best friend before and when he said it, I wasn't there yet. But I got there eventually. And he knew me, all of me. Every crazy part of me, and he loved every part of me. And I miss my sweet, sweet Matty. I wish he hadn't died. I would give anything...

Some realizations today... I think he tried to get out of it. My dad made some terrible comments about how his story was so complex and detailed and it had to be practiced and plotted and done before on other women... these were the most hurtful words my broken heart could have heard. And talking it over with friends, I don't think it's true. I don't know how or why he got into this, what motivated him, what drives any person to do this, if he was looking for attention, he felt neglected because of the baby, maybe he doesn't wear the pants in his relationship and wanted to be in control, he wished he could start over again, maybe he wasn't ready for all of it... I don't know. I can only guess. But I do think that it went much further than he intended. (Maybe, I honestly can't know and I hope I am not minimizing what he did... I'm afraid I am.)

Early on in dating he said his parents had asked him to move to Redding to be near family and he had to seriously consider it because of XY and Z. I was really upset because our relationship was just starting to get serious.... Now looking back... if he didn't intend on this to be what it turned in to... maybe he picture a few afternoons away from home talking to someone new or something... but he met me instead and we started getting serious... so he tried to back pedal. This could be logical. It eases the pain at least...

Now, conflicting with this is that we were an official couple, nuts about each other, all over each other, talked constantly, texted all day, talked on the phone every day and I met him on duty for lunch, practically every single day he worked. We were crazy about each other and couldn't get enough of each other... So it wasn't ever a casual thing... but, anyway, for theory's sake, he tries to back pedal and instead of getting out of it? We ended up telling each other we loved each other that day. That conversation, realizing he would be going away, I wanted him to know how I felt about him, and we had both beaten around the bush earlier, making clear how we felt without actually saying the words so we could do it in person, but because this issue popped up and we didn't have a planned day together for a couple more days, I ended up telling him I loved him and it ended up being this big emotional, happy thing and he told me some of the most dear, wonderful, sweetest things I had ever heard that day. And earlier, it had been awful, thinking I would lose this amazing man I had just met, had just fallen in love with but sharing those feelings changed everything. It stopped the dynamic from changing.... I can step back and think about this and see... he tried to get out of it, and we got closer instead.

Same thing happened with the stroke and him moving away... he came over here to tell me if he would give long distance a shot and he was so stubborn and hard lined and had absolutely no reasons as to why he wouldn't try it and I just couldn't understand. He just said it wouldn't work. And I said, well, if we're going to break up because of this, and not because you are rejecting me, we love each other, just the timing is off, then let me say goodbye how I want to. I want you to cuddle and hold me and talk and just be normal so the last moments I have with you are happy... He was upset and said that would be so much harder for him to do that and I told him well I didn't really care what he thought because he was breaking my heart here for no actual reason! lol So we snuggled and cuddled and he held me and we laughed and talked... that was a huge defining moment in our relationship... One of the most special days we had I think... and he told me he couldn't imagine leaving me or giving me up, he couldn't and we would make it work. He tried to get out of it... and we got even closer to each other. Closer than I had ever been with anyone else. The emotional intimacy that I had with Matt is not comparable to any other relationship I have been in.

It's plausible... I don't want to let him off the hook... he did a terrible thing, but this is something I can think about and put myself in that place and try and understand how it felt and how he got stuck... I don't know how he ended up on this path to begin with, but, I think I can see his confusion over what to do with both of us. If this theory is right... it would also meant that his sentiments for me were true and that he loved me, which would be a huge relief.

The alternative is of course is that this was a big game, and he liked being in control and he was able to perfectly control me in our relationship. This seems to be what most people think (although I'm pretty sure everyone else doesn't think about this 24 hours a day like I do, but I also have more to lose emotionally by admitting he really did this), and it is also consistent with the pure bad intentions he had in putting a personal ad online. Which is how we met. Yeah, I just came out... We "met" at Starbucks, but we came to know of each other's existence on this earth via Yahoo Personals... and he contacted me. He had a paid subscription. And that is not the behavior of somebody who wasn't looking for trouble. And he told me he had contacted other people. And while we dated he had told me about going on coffee dates with other women, which in retrospect, were also probably during his marriage. I didn't remember that in time to share that with "them," but I'm not dealing with that anymore. That time has passed now. There are a couple of other things I have since remembered that make me very uncomfortable that I think they should know... big things... but, I have to stay out of it.

I want a puppy. Amelia says, "Hi."

Overwhelmed

I am starting to hear comments from people that what has happened to me wasn't a big deal and I need to just get over it and move on and I should feel guilty for what I "did." (Even though I didn't know.) And I need to spend my time reflecting on "them." (You know who I am talking about.. and we are not mentioning them on this blog anymore. We are not.)

I don't want to talk about them any more. I can't. I can't handle it. The fact that they even exist is so traumtic and disturbing to me that it sends me into a tailspin.

I already feel guilty. I already blame myself. I already feel ashamed and dirty. Alone. Horrible. I just feel horrible. I always want to cry and find myself shaking in fear of what could have happened to me, or what may happen to me later, or screaming out loud. I have nightmares and startle awake scared someone is in the house.

They were cheated on. They were lied to. This is true. This is sad. But they will go to counseling and they will work things out. It is probably a big relief that it is all in the open now and there are no more secrets, and it is all onwards and upwards from here.

I let a con man into my home. This man held me in his arms and kissed me and touched me and cuddled me, He told me he was going to marry me and make babies with me. And I didn't even know his real name. I DIDNT KNOW HIS NAME.

I'm sure that I will totally be over this by morning. No biggie at all. Right?

Drastic Measures

The last few days I have been all over the place. From wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to crying so hard I sounded like a dying animal... to for a few minutes of calm distraction. Like now, writing, tv on, sipping water with the cat on my lap. And then the anxiety overwhelms me.

HOW could he do this? WHY did he do this? WHY? WHY WHY WHY? WHY did you do this Matty? Matty! Why? I think about him being here and lying straight to my face... my stomach churns.

The psychologist held me after IOP (outpatient thing) to talk... I heard myself saying aloud to her that I hated myself. No wonder I wish I was dead. Right now I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing and my body flushing red all over and just... overwhelmed with emotional exhaustion. On Friday I realized just how much I was holding it in. I (apparently) was sitting very taunt and tense in the chair, arms crossed, holding myself for an hour while everyone talked and when it got to my turn it just came exploding out of me. I was crying so hard they could barely understand me and shaking and I couldn't bear to look at anyone. One woman was there because her husband liked to look at things online... you know what I mean... and had cheated like 12 years before. She jumped all over me and was like "And you didn't know about his wife and child?" I didn't even know his real name! Of course I didn't know he was married! But I could hear her judgment and skepticism before she would accept my story and that hurt.

The therapist said something about how I must feel rejected and how I wasn't looking for closure and I was like, HUH? First of all, this was the first and only relationship where I NEVER felt personally rejected! Never! There isn't anything wrong with me and there never was! I was perfect in every way and he told me so! And of course I want closure. Of course, I can't close the book on this yet, but being able to have a final conversation with him would be invaluable. That's closure to me. And I want that more than anything. To look at his face and know his real name and to have him look at me, just me seeing him... even that... it would be enough. He never looked at me when I was there... and I understand... but it made it that much more horrible for me. And nobody cares about me. Because I am "the other woman." Even though, I never knew I was. I will always be hated for the crime I didn't know I committed. I was victimized more than his family was! I let a con man into my home, into my life... in every sense of the word. For her, yes, he had an affair, or he cheated on her, but that was it. For me, all of this is much more traumatic and going to affect me in so many ways for so much longer.

But it's wrong for me to think those things about her... because she is the wife and it is not her fault and she is innocent... and I am the other woman and always will be. And I hate myself.

I want and need to do something drastic. Dye my hair blonde, or go to Canada or camp in the desert or embark on a cross country trip and lay in the grass and stare at the sky and feel alone. I hate the term "find myself" because it is so touchy feely and I feel, really sort of stupid, but... I think I lost myself here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be someone else. I want to go somewhere or do something really different and just escape.

I want to run away.

And because I am too upset to work I have around $100 in my bank account, which is the lowest it has ever been since I was in college. And I feel terrified. And trapped.

What's up this week...

Last week wrap up: Tuesday the world came to an end and everything went down, Wednesday I had a breakdown. Thursday, Therapy. Friday, car accident. Saturday I had to shoot a wedding... horrible. Saturday night my friend Cecilia came and got me to babysit (as in, to babysit ME) and I stayed at her house over Sunday, but I ended up walking into a couch REALLY hard and breaking a bone in my foot. I went to the Emergency Room on Monday after I attended my orientation for my crisis intervention counseling thing and got x-rays. I'm now in a very ugly and retarded looking boot/shoe thing and am hopefully getting crutches tomorrow. I'm on codeine too, which makes me really sleepy... which is a pretty good thing right now.

I just finished writing this out and since I won't be able to express it directly to Matt, I just decided to share it on here. These are questions I would like to ask Matt.

Why did you do this? What was going on personally that prompted you to do this?
Have you done this before?
Why did you lie so much? Why not just find someone who was interested in something extramarital?
How many partners have you had?
Was this your intention from Day 1?
Did anyone actually know about me? Did your partner know?
Are you Mormon? Were you married in the Temple?
When did your wife suspect? Why did she suspect? Have you guys not have a good relationship?
Why did you try to end things and then back out? Especially with the elaborate stories, rather than a straight break up?
Where did your wife think you were when you were with me?
What were you looking to get out of this? Physicality? Attention?
Were you having marital issues before this?
Why do to the extent you did with the lying? (Talking about marriage, kids, your parents saying "Hi" to me and how excited they were to meet me? etc.)
Who is Matt Timmons? Was he a part of this, or is he aware of this?
Did you think it was funny, or did you feel bad or...?
When you found out what a rough dating history I had, why didn't you get out of this?
Were you concerned I would find out?
Was any of it real for you? Were any of your feelings real? Did you or do you love me?
Were you ever in love with me?
Did you think I was crazy for being so into you when you knew the truth? Embarrassed?
Any regrets?

Sigh.

Ugh

I feel tense. Panicky. Overwhelmed. Shakey. I do not feel good. I can feel the tension running through my veins. I am on the verge of a big hysterical fit and I know it. And I am trying to hold it off. It hurts too much to feel it. My whole body has been trembling for the last couple of hours.

I am dreading the wedding I have to work tomorrow. Thank God that it is only 3 hours. That is a small piece of mercy for me. I told the couple I was looking forward to seeing some happy people but really I am just dreading having to put on a fake smiling face for those 3 long hours. I dread it with every fiber of my being and my lower jaw is chattering. I feel sooo tense.

All I want to do is crawl into my car and drive out in the middle of nowhere and I don't know. Rot.

I keep having these flickers and flashes of what happened and how his life must have been going back and forth. And the absurdity of the fact I wrote him love letters with the wrong name on the envelope.

My stomach is churning and I feel like there is electricity is running through my veins. Literally- like I'm being electrocuted. Shakey, trembling, freaked out, tense. I hate this.