The Bishop and some Housekeeping

Housekeeping first:

Thank you guys for the emails and the comments. You don't know how much I depend on them, especially now that I have been almost completely cut off from support from my health insurance. It's basically the only feeedback I am getting unless I am able to call the two-three girlfriends that I am able to confide in at this point, but all three tend to be difficult to reach, so really I can't thank you guys enough for being here.

If you look over on the right hand side of this screen, per your requests I have added the "Follower" widget so if you push that button you can become a follower and add my blog to your feeds on Google or Blogger.

If you're trying to find the beginning of the story, I found out about everything on August 3rd and I think the posts begin August 4th. There is a link in the "About Me" section on the right hand side or in my profile.


The Bishop next:

For the last two weeks I have been calling the Bishop for my ward (remember I am not a member of this church, but had been told that that wouldn't matter and they would be happy to help and it was part of their calling to help other people in the community, not just members) and left two messages, both of which went unanswered. I was getting pretty upset about it. To review, I was calling the Bishop in order to get the required referral to counseling through LDS Family Services, and hopefully, to have the counseling done on a sliding scale or at a reduced cost or free because I really can't afford it, but obviously I need more help than what I am getting. (And they upped my medication again...) Well my friend who lives in Utah apparently got fed up and went through her Bishop to track down mine and talked to him on my behalf and got his home number!

I called him, left a message and got a call back tonight- FINALLY! I was so relieved to finally hear from someone. Finally, I can get help! I was so shaky on the phone, and really just choked up. After awhile on the phone I gave him a brief overview on what had happened and I really started to get upset on the phone, but I managed to hold it together and not totally cry so he could understand me still but I was still all chokey, do you know what I mean?

Anyway, after all that, you know what happened? He can't help me! He said I could come into his office for 5 or 10 minutes and he could write the referal to counseling but it was expensive and I mentioned I was worried about that and he said I could try to go through my insurance, but I can't because I have Kaiser, which has it's own psychiatry department- you can't get care outside of Kaiser unless it's an emergency and you accidentally get taken to the wrong hospital. I told him that and he said well maybe he could find an LDS therapist who worked for Kaiser... totally missed the boat there. The whole point of me coming to Family Services was because Kaiser can only see me once every 6-8 WEEKS. It doesn't matter who sees me... that isn't frequently enough for what I have going on. But I can't afford $112.50 for an assessment appt and $75 each appointment after that to see an LDS counselor. I can't even afford my monthly payments on my overall health insurance, let alone the $50 copayments every OTHER month. I don't have any scheduled income for this month to pay my rent for October. I am advertising like crazy, but I can't guarantee I will bring in that money and so I will probably be pulling it out of savings. But I need help. So what do I do?

Update for this week?

Oh, it's been a very special week. Three weddings this week. Sunday on a Iris Flower Farm, Tuesday on a pier on Lake Tahoe and Today/tomorrow (it's the middle of the night now- Saturday) at a B&B type place called Wine & Roses. I have been very emotional all week. Sunday the groom sang a song he wrote for his bride... Tuesday the bride cornered me and asked me what was going on and I burst into tears in the parking lot right after the ceremony I was doing so good right until she cornered me), now what's going to happen tomorrow?!

Tuesday on the way back from Tahoe I broke up the 2 hour drive with a trek into Old Navy to check out the clearance racks and when I came out a scruffy white kid in his 20's started to approach me in the parking lot, he was looking for work, yard work, something like that. The second he started to address me my start started racing and I panicked. It didn't matter what he was saying or who he was. He scared me to death. I literally ran the last few steps to my car, was terrified that the lock mechanism on my keychain was going to unlock all of the doors and he'd be able to get in on the passenger side- that is literally what I was thinking when I was pushing the button and I waited until the last second to push it because of that, so he wouldn't have time to try and get in, or to minimize that window of time. I shoved the key in the ignition and pealed out of the lot like I was in a horror movie or something. I was scared to death. And I cried HARD not because I was sad or something, but because I was SCARED. Absolutely terrified. And the intellecutal part of my brain was thinking, "What on EARTH are you doing?!" I knew it was nuts when I was doing it, but my whole body was in overdrive. I could not get away from him fast enough. I was so scared. I can't even describe that feeling. It was horrible. HORRIBLE.

I've basically been living on turkey and cheese wonderbread sandwiches (pretend "white" [it's really wheat] wonderbread, 50 cals a slice) shaved turkey breast, 2% american, light mayo, mustard) because everything else is too overwhelming... I am sort of realizing this as I am typing it but I have been sticking to really bland foods. I have a freezer full of lean cuisines that I like and I haven't touches any of them. They seem "yucky" when I look at them. I'd rather have half a wonderbread sandwich instead.

Anyway, I was out of turkey so I had to stop at the grocery store before I went home. I had driven the rest of the way slowly on city streets for about 20 minutes so I had calmed down a bit so I went in. Grocery shopping is one of my favorite activities and I find it calming and relaxing. What's not to like about buying food?

Some clean cut Phillipino frocery clerk came around the corner on the cereal aisle and surprised me, gave me a HUGE smile, grabbed my cart, gave it a hearty smack and asked me if I was finding everything alright. Totally friendly, nice guy I am sure. What did Emily do? I jumped straight up, backed against the cereal and it took every bone in my body to prevent myself from running out of the store and into the parking lot. And I didn't want to touch the cart.

Thursday I was standing in line to check in for the grad group for group therapy and I saw the reflection of a man in a football jersey walking into the building. I started to trigger, hyperventilate, something in the mirror, in his face made me think of Matt and I swirled around and it looked nothing like him but I was SO freaked out standing in line. I stood as far away from him as I possibly could, so far so that I basically wasn't even in line, and I started shaking. His phone went off at one point and I couldn't handle it and I ran/jogged out of there. I couldn't be there. I left. I went to the group and checked myself in at the front desk afterwards. I didn't get to talk in group this week so I couldn't tell anyone about this new weird thing with men and I don't understand it. It confuses me and scares me. After group I had to ride the elevator down (my foot is still broken from walking into that couch the weekend after I found out and I'm still wearing the boot so no stairs for me) and another man from the group got into the elevator with me. I stood there for just a moment and then I dashed out of there too and stood in the bathroom trying to breathe and not panic. Same thing happened in WalMart. Had a breakdown in the chip aisle. Totally overwhwlemed by the presence of men and the loud noises and children around.

And at the same time, going to bed, I laid and there and all I wanted and wished for was for Matt to be there, and to hold me and hug me and to just BE. For everything to be okay and for everything to go away be back how it was. I would give anything to be kept innocent. Why do I have to deal with all of this? Why couldn't I have just loved him, and missed him? But I also know, because of how strong my connection was to him, that if I hadn't know, I never would have let go and I would have waited forever for him, not knowing. I had no doubts. I felt nothing but peace and utter love for our relationship. Now, I am completely lost, befuddled, confused.

My NP (Nurse practitioner) upped my anti-anxiety meds by 50mgs but we have to be careful with the dosage because it has a sedating affect. My sleep schedule is all messed up again but I don't think it's because of the medication because I take the bigger dose of that medication at night...

My dad flies in for his 50th High School Reunion tomorrow, and he wants to see me on Sunday. Honestly, I even feel anxious about being around him. Please help me make it through all of the challenges of this weekend.

By Monday my house has translated from it's current disgusting Hoarders-esque state and made spotless and at a minimum decent enough for my mom with severe rheumatoid arthritus to stay here Monday and Tuesday. I am picking her up at the airport on Monday afternoon. I'm so nervous... I had so many things planned for us to do, I wanted to cook for her, but I am not up to it... I don't want to make her go out to eat because she's on a fixed income and I'm not really in a place to treat. What am I going to do? Offer her some kitty food? We have lots of THAT...

I want my Matty. I just want my Matty to come home. I want all of this stuff to go away. I don't want to deal with it anymore. The man I knew and loved would never have hurt me. He couldn't have done this to me. How could the man that was in that house, the man that stood somewhere with that woman and took vows and was changing diapers and taking the baby to the beach for the first time.... (their desktop background) how could that person be my Matty? That was the life I was supposed to have with him. That was the life I was planning with him. I feel like my life is over again.

Did you ever know someone that just ran away? That just picked up and moved somewhere for no rhyme or reason or plan? I want to just LEAVE and not be here any more. I don't want to be around all of these reminders of him and me and us. I don't want to leave my house... I am afraid to leave my house and yet being in my house is painful because of how much time we spent here. I want to just grab the cats, walk out to my car and leave. But how do you just pick up and leave with no plan or reason or support system?

Colorado always looks so pretty in my mind. Maybe Matty will leave my mind if I go there.

I lied to his wife.

I lied to his wife. That day I was over there. Why did I do that?

She asked me if it was still going on, and as if by reflex I instantly said "No." Then I said, "Well, it ended today."

But that wasn't true either. It was going on. We were together; we were a couple. We were arguing that morning, that was all. He wasn't breaking up with me. He was picking a fight and trying to get distance from me, but he was making a point to leave it open so he could come right back and pick things up again where he left them when he wanted to.

Why couldn't I just say that? I feel ashamed I didn't.

On the one hand, I wanted to protect her and it would hurt her more to know that. Also, when "caught," the first instinct is always to lie. Even though I had no part in this, I didn't know... My first impulse was to lie, and then, well, I guess she got some version of the truth. Our relationship did end that day. But it ended because I walked up to that door and rang the bell. Not because he and I ended our relationship. It ended because I caught him. He didn't end this relationship by choice.

She also asked me "What kind of texting" did we do. Which I didn't understand what she was asking at first, but when I realized the question immediately prior to this was whether Matt and I being in a long distance relationship meant we had been meeting up in hotel rooms (Um, NO.) then I realized she was asking if we had done suggestive, flirty texting. My response to that was, "You know, the regular kind of texting, "Hi ,How are you, I miss you, I love you, when are you coming down to visit?" But after I left I realized that wasn't 100% honest either. We were in love. We made out like animals, from day 1. We were crazy about each other. Every time Matt was around me, he basically gave me a little "salute" every time he saw me. (You know what I mean! I didn't know about this for a LONG time, but this spring he actually mentioned it to me as a complaint and then I thought it was pretty funny and started asking him about it.) I'd open the front door and Voila. We go to Starbucks and Voila. We walk home and he holds my hand and Voila. Anyway, yes, our texting was flirty and suggestive too. So I lied there too.

And I feel guilty and I feel like I have to confess. A few posts ago I mentioned some things I said I felt like I had this drive to tell his wife, and these were a couple things in that list. (There are much bigger more serious things on it though.) That urge is not an urge anymore, but these thoughts still pop into my head and bother me though.

Something else that bothers me? When Matt contacted me through Yahoo Personals, he had a paid account, right? I had a free account. When you have a free account, you can send automated messages through the service but you can't send another user your contact info unless you pay for your subscription. So, the people that use the service alot and have learned the ropes know that if they message someone who sends an automated wink back or something back a couple of times and no personal messages... they probably don't have a paying account. The person with the paying account, if they are clever, and have probably seen this done a few times, will then try to sneak their email address practically in code into their email. If the screeners for Yahoo see an email address they will block it out, so you have to hide it so they don't catch it.

Matt did that almost right away. I was thinking about that earlier today or yesterday. In order to know to do that... He would have had to have had experience on the website. He might have met his wife on there, who knows, so I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but if they met at least five years ago, and he and I started communicating in January/February 2009.... I think it's likely Yahoo has changed quite a bit from back then to now. That bothered me too. But I don't know.

How could the person I let into my life, into my home and family, who I trusted more than anyone else on this planet... the person I trusted with my most precious posession, my heart, have become this person? All of that love I felt and feel. I don't understand. He's the person I want to go to for comfort, ironically... when I feel alone and scared... I picture him standing here in my living room and he hugs me and I just bury my face into his chest and I am just enveloped by him. I never felt so protected or so safe as I did when I was there. A hug and a deep breath and he could calm all of my fears.

Was it all an act? I wish I could know if he loved me. If he cared about me at all. My feelings come in waves... many days where I feel secure in his love for me, and now, where I stand on shaky ground and feel so manipulated. Like it was a big game. I was a toy. But that is so difficult to believe that I just can't.

Meet Me On Monday

1. Do you wear socks to bed?

NEVER! I think this is gross! My feet need to touch the sheets. It is all smooth and socks are all sweaty and... chunky!



2. Do you have any pets?

Amelia the cat is 4 and I adopted her from the Currituck County Animal Lover's Shelter in North Carolina after I spotted her on Pet Finder after my beloved cat Mary died at 17 years old in the Pet Food Recall. Amelia flew out on American Airlines through Chicago, changed planes and I picked her up at John Wayne/Orange County California Airport that night! She was around a year old when I got her. She looked just like my baby Mary which is why I fell in love with her. It took about 6 weeks to do her adoption.

She's uh... plumped up a bit since she got adopted. She's my widdle "plumpkin." Believe it or not she and Toulouse only differ by a few ounces in weight.

Toulouse is my youngest kitty (he turned 3 in March), and he is pure trouble. He came from Friends of Orange County Homeless Pets Rescue (but seriously it looked more like a hoarding situation and was really gross and nasty). I actually adopted him the same day I picked Amelia up at the airport! Although they said he was 8 weeks old, he looked more like 6 weeks old to me and I diluted his food down with kitten milk. Tootie thinks he is a dog and is very into "inter-species relationships" and embraces all animals. He loves dogs and loves to go to PetSmart and walk around on his sporty green leash. He likes to visit the birds, (he got licked by a parrot at Christmas) chat it up with the dogs, (got licked by a collie last week), and mostly ignores the fish (although he did shimmey on his belly in front of the fish tanks once with his chin flat on the floor.... HILARIOUS). We also went on our first trip to the Small-Dog (25 pounds and under) park a few weeks ago but it was too hot. He knows how to "sit" and beg, and if I don't do all of these activities with him he is basically a big pain in the butt and spends all of his time trying to figure out how to escape my house. He has knocked the sliding screen down off track and slipped out at least once that way and has busted his way out of my bedroom window screen 3-4 times now, to the point I can't leave the window open unattended- even with the perfectly fine window screen intact. He knows how to lean on it and pull it out of the frame so he can get out and play. (!!!) Or I can just exhaust him with doggie play dates and he spends his time at home napping...

With his closest doggie friend Ipsa (Toot was the one in control here, don't be mistaken. He's holding HER leash. )





At Petsmart/The"zoo"







Tootie also went to 3rd grade for show and tell once. He was a little TOO comfortable and walked all over everyone's art projects on their desks, including the teacher's.







We had a fish up until a week ago Saturday named Marlin but he died. I don't know why I am saying "we" when it is just me now. I had such a hard day today. I cried all the way home from work. I felt anxious all day. I managed to not cry at the wedding but it was so hard. So, so hard. It's not fair.



3. What topping(s) do you like on your pizza?

Bell peppers, onions, tomatos and pineapple!



4. What time do you go to bed?

Usually in the middle of the night, 2-3-4-5-am... I aim to go to bed at 10pm. Doesn't usually work out very well. I am usually up late upset, reading self help books, crying, the usual. :(



5. Would you rather get free chocolate for one year or free potatoes forever?

I love potatos.... I love chocolate... I'm torn. I'll go with the potatos.

Angry.

But not for the reason you think.

Once again, I got attacked by one of my "friends" because I still have pictures of Matt and I together on Facebook. She said, and I quote, that it was "sick."

I told her if she couldn't refrain from being rude or nasty when speaking then she needed to not say anything at all. She didn't answer; didn't acknowledge it.

I don't care about the context or how she "meant" it to be intrepreted. She essentially called me sick. She knows better. She is a divorced adult with adult children. She knows better. And she called me and my choices sick. What is wrong with her? I think that is just mean! I object to people saying anything at all, but if she was going to butt in, that was a totally inappropriate way to do it. And ineffective I might add. It makes me want to tattoo that picture on my forehead and stand on her front porch so she can stare at it or something! Do you know what I mean? When I take it down I want to do it because *I* am ready and because *I* chose to! Not because someone dictaited orders to me.

I am mad and I keep getting more upset about it. It happened last night.

Yesterday afternoon I played with the idea of taking down the pictures, or at least changing my profile picture. MOST of the people in my life have no idea what happened. MOST people don't even know anything happened at all and think we are still together. The people that matter know, and that's really all that matters anyway... it's not really any one else's business. I wouldn't typically say something like that, I am really open. But given these particular circumstances, I don't want it known to everyone I know in the real world. It's humilating, and again, I can't deal with questions right now. The questions and comments of the important people in my life have been awful enough. Being ignored entirely by people I thought were my closest friends is equally bad.

I love him, I miss him and I feel like a part of me died too. I lost yet another part of my innocence by now becoming more skeptical and less trusting of people in the future. Of now becoming frightened and further intimidated by men... things won't be the same for me. I will have to carry this on my heart for a long time. It will always be there but I pray the burden will be lightened over time. I hope. Right now the constant pressure in my chest from the anxiety and upset and constant verge of hysteria is exhausting and horrible. I want it to go away and stop. And then I hear a siren or a loud noise that doesn't stop and I am triggered and there I am in that house again and not able to escape and scared out of my mind.

I HATE this. I can't tell you how much I hate this. I say that with tears runnning down my face and an exhausted body falling out of this chair; afraid to go to bed, and not able to do anything during the day because I am so paralyzed of what might happen if I do something. If I'm triggered. Or worse, my real fear. That I will see them. Or him. I saw three CHP patrol cars on the freeway on Thursday and I about smashed into the center divider each time I saw them. Luckily I was in stop and go traffic so I was pretty well protected. I feel afraid all the time. I don't know where he works.. So I don't know how to avoid him. I feel like I can't protect myself and I also feel like I can't trust myself or make my own decisions... I feel incompetent.

I am afraid of that man, that husband, that man in uniform. But I cry for my Matty to come home and for everything to go back to normal. I want to be loved, I want to be in love again and feel protected and secure and happy in that relationship that was so at peace and delighted to be in.

Why do I have to deal with this?

Driving to my appointment to check up on my medications with the NP I started freaking out, crying and talking loudly, not quite yelling, at myself in the car. WHY did this happen to me? WHY do I have to deal with this? WHY ME? Why did he pick me? Why do I have to do this? I don't want to DEAL with this! It isn't fair. I don't want to deal with this. Why can't I just have a normal break up like everybody else?! Why did yet another bad thing happen to me? Why did this happen to me?! WHY?!

The NP blocked off a big chunk of time to talk to me which is really unusual. I think the most amount of time I have ever had with her was 20 minutes and I am pretty sure this went over an hour. She said that when someone goes through IOP the entire psychiatry department works as a team to coordinate and moniter my care, because, essentially, I am considered high risk. I can't really disagree with her on that.

She had read all of the notes in my file and knew everything that had happened so I could talk about it without actually having to tell the story which was a huge relief. She talked to me about PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which no one had actually talked to me about yet. In fact, no one has ever told me what I was ever diagnosed with so I really don't know. I will see the therapist in another week and I will try and ask her then. I myself had wondered about PTSD because I have flashbacks and panic attacks and of course the constant anxiety, but I'm not a medical health professional so I am obviously not qualified to diagnose myself.

She also told me that part of my "fogginess" may be attributed to the fact I've struggled with eating and drinking. She said both low blood sugar and dehydration can cause that slowness in thought so I needed to try harder to regulate my blood sugar and intake more water so I don't become hypoglycemic. This woman is extremely hyperactive but she is so knowledgeable. She pins things down before you even finish explaining the situation. (Practically).

Didn't say this before but I did call the Bishop for the LDS church to ask for a referral for counseling and apparently he might be able to adjust the cost to something I can afford. I called on Wednesday and left a message but no one has called me yet so I am still waiting.

I took a bath today for the first time today in over a week. It was VERY difficult to get out the tangles in my hair. I curled and hairsprayed my hair for that wedding last week and it apparently turned into a big rat's nest. I literally pulled out chunks of my hair... My hair also falls out when I am stressed so I guess I will be bald soon. I had to put so much conditioner in my hair to get out the knots that now it feels super greasy... sigh... I am going to have to wash it before my next wedding tomorrow. :(

I have weddings on Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday. Then my Dad comes in for his 50th HS reunion and then my mom comes to visit during the week... she's staying here so I have to clean my house. Can you imagine what my house looks like at this point? I look like a candidate for "Hoarders" I don't know how I am ever going to make it through the next week.

I'm tired. Confused. Lonely. Lost.

Sigh.

When I started eating again I gained just under 2 pounds right away so I stopped weighing myself so much, but I started struggling again with eating earlier this week so I stepped on the scale today- I thought it would still be up. I was 175 at the lowest and bounced up to 176.8 as soon as I started eating better. But when I checked my weight it was only 174.8. On the one hand it pleases me and on the other hand it's a problem. If I worry about it, I feel silly because I'm overweight, and if I feel pleased I feel guilty because it's not healthy. (Throws up hands.)

The Good Girl.

In one of these posts, or maybe I just thought it... if Matt was just looking for a hook up or a "good time" why didn't he just hop on Craig's List or one of those websites for people who want that? There are a million people who could care less about whether you are married or not, or are married themselves and are looking for relationships like that. Why did he persue something with me?

I was saying this in the graduation group (group therapy) for IOP today and the guy in group (whom, coincidentally I typically find very annoying generally speaking) said, "Well that's because he didn't want that. He wanted 'the good girl.' The 'girl next door.' He wanted someone like you."

He wanted the good girl... I went on my first date when I was 21 years old. When I told Matt that, he said, you really were a good girl, weren't you?

It's funny the guy in group said that...

The lady who made that comment in group a few weeks ago, "You didn't know he had a wife and baby?" and sounded all skeptical and judgemental? Well she was in group today. Great. I slunk down in my chair when I saw her. She said a couple other things today that bugged me too. Like I said that this relationship was not based on physical stuff, it was emotionally based and she was like, "Well maybe for YOU but for him it was ALL about ---" I wanted to sock her in the nose. OBVIOUSLY it was not about that.

She did say something poignant though, believe it or not. She interupted me and the therapist, as she often does, but, she said something that I hadn't verbalized to ANYONE. I have barely even acknowledge it to myself. She asked me if I felt like a rape victim.

I do. I feel dirty. I want to scrub every part of my body he ever touched with sandpaper and soap and scrub it off my body and make it go away. My hands, my arms, my face, everything. Sometimes I long for him to be here; most of the time I feel this way, but in these moments when I am really checked in to what he did... I feel disgusting and disgusted that I was ever so close to him. I want to scrape my skin off. I think it's why the thought of being alone in a room with a man makes me so upset right now. Or even being around men in public. I think that's why.

I was also attacked as a pre-teen. Matt also knew about that... I didn't share that in group though. He knew that right from the beginning. He knew I had problems with depression, had been assaulted, and a pretty sad relationship history and was really just "looking for love." And he persued me anyway.

Anyway, I told the group that I didn't want to diminish what it feels like for an actual rape victim by comparing my feelings to that but she went on to say that I had been emotionally raped and the level of violation and fraud here justified those feelings, as they also justified the feelings of grief. All of it is really hard for me to accept. I have to keep hearing it. That it is ok for me to feel sad... that what he did was not okay... I have to keep hearing it.

I guess that woman isn't completely useless after all. Of course it was right after that that she made that other comment.

I spent a lot of time staring into space during group, so much so that the leader even commented on it and loud mouth lady asked me if I was okay. At the end when they asked us what we learned I said I felt like a Commadore 64 trying to boot up, all foggy, and I wasn't sure. The therapist took a lot of notes over that.

I sat in the bathroom hiding for awhile afterwards, as long as I could, right up until I got busted by another woman who recognized my feet because of my boot- my right foot is broken and I have to wear my gimpy boot all day. She asked if I was in there and if I was okay so I had to come out. She gave me a little pep talk while I cried and washed my hands and she kept saying something... I can't remember now. That what he did was horrible... Oh, and that he did it on purpose. That he used his job, the knowledge that he had gained from working in law enforcement to victimize someone who was vulnerable. That he picked up and played into what he knew would be attractive qualities and traits to me, experienced things I could relate to (like him being depressed, I related so I would defend and protect him to the end about that), and manipulated my experiences and background to get... whatever he wanted out of it. I can't quite remember how she said it but it sounds much harsher as I am typing it here and I don't like how it sounds typed out like this. I don't feel comfortable with how it sounds, it makes him sound like a sociopath, and I am certainly not in any position to support that diagnosis. NO WAY. Even if he is I am not ready to hear that or admit that right now.

The thing that stuck with me out of what she said though, was that he did it on purpose. He did it intentionally. He did all of it intentionally. I thought about that a lot of the afternoon and I ended up going to a pet santuary because I felt so stressed and petted orphaned kitties for an hour or so.

Her saying that probably made the first connection for me between the man I loved and the man who did this. It is a shaky connection, but it is the first connection I have had in trying to reconcile that these two completely different people really are the same person.

People in group were also really pressuring me to "take back my power." Whatever that means. In the book I am reading it says that if the liar goes without consequences that the liar never realizes the depth of his actions and never learns and continues doing what he is doing. That his whole goal is to return to the status quo and will do whatever he needs to to make that happen. So beg people for forgiveness, promise never to do it again, negociate, etc. Few days or weeks, it blows over, and he can go back to how things were. I already have the feeling that things have returned mostly to normal at home for him... that they returned to normal very quickly. If that is indeed the case... then what prevents this from happening again? In my heart and soul, I can't believe the man I love did this to me, let alone that he would do this to someone else, but at some point I will have to accept what happened... and then what?

The therapist and the people in group said I should consult an attorney. I don't want to hurt his family. They have already been hurt. But as it was told to me, by standing by him, and supporting him, they are also choosing to accept the consequences of his actions as they come. And this would be part of that. I don't know. Again, I want to do the right thing. When the therapist talked today about just how appauling the whole situation was , I heard it through someone else's ears for the first time. And letting it go doesn't seem right. But I still feel really confused and drowning in my feelings... I'm starting to feel a little betrayed today. My heart hurts.

I have a dream...

First off, I would like for all of you to just drop what you are doing, yes, even reading this blog... NO WAIT! Don't go yet. :) Wait for instructions. I have spent the last two days buried in Photoshop trying to come up with a way to simplfy my work blog. It took me a long, long time to come up with what I had and I was really happy with what I had, but it just has felt so cluttered and all over the place to me. So, two days in PS, 50 ideas later, and probably an actual 10 minutes coming up with this, my work blog has a new design! Or a new topper anyway and a new background color. So click on the link and tell me how it looks? Thanks. I am pretty proud. I think it looks really pretty! Very grown up.

http://www.eheizerphotography.com/

Now that that is all out of the way let's get down to business. I feel like a steaming pile of baby poo. I don't know what you are talking about me coming so far... I feel like an ostrich who just keeps getting scared and sticking her head back in the sand and hiding and waiting for it to be all over.

Next visualization... Cartoon deer, with giant antlers, tucked into bed with the sheets pulled up tight to his chin, quivering with his little hooves just barely peeking out over the top and this poor deer's eyes... the deer in headlight's look, staring at the ceiling, bug eyed, darting back and forth from one side of the ceiling to the other like you're reading a book... except you're staring at empty white space.

That was me last night. I was reading one of the books I got to try and help myself at home (This one is called When your Lover Lies or something) and there was a line in there about how your partner/the liar already had everything he wanted, he was getting everything he wanted and set up this arrangement to his liking and controlled it. I read that and dropped the book on the bed, got into the above "deer mode" and realized.... A year ago June Matt told me his father had had a debilitating stroke, and a bad reaction to one of the medications administered to him during initial treatment and was in the hospital for weeks. He told me when he initially went in to see his dad in the hospital that his dad did not recognize him. For weeks Matt struggled with what to do and ultimately made the difficult decision to rent out his house to another officer and move in with his parents to help take care of his dad for the time being.

But none of that actually happened. He made ALL of it up. ALL of it.

Most bothersome to me last night was that he had never left. That's what I kept thinking. He never left. He was here the whole time. Probably commuting to work at his regular office... in all liklihood I probably passed him in his squad car on the freeway during that time... Calling him from our favorite BBQ place around the corner from his "old" office and having a chicken sandwich in his honor, at his request... he may very well have been literally around the corner at that office writing reports. (And laughing to himself?) He was here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME?
The last fourteen months or so I thought he was living two hours away when he was really just 15 minutes down the freeway. When he told me he was going to get up really early, at 5 or 6am to get to my house at 7 or 8am, I felt so touched that he would do that for me... but really he was just rolling out of bed and was here in a matter of minutes... Probably waiting for her to leave for work before he could leave...
I sent him home with two cold cokes "for the drive home" once... 15 minutes away. All that time. I was writing him love letters and missing him and worrying for his safety... he was here the whole time. He was right here. Saying her couldn't get a signal out to call me or that he didn't receive my calls and alot of my texts didn't go through because of the remote area he was in... All lies. He was here the whole time. His phone was working just fine. He was just ignoring me. He purposely ignored me and made excuses so he could string me along... Oh... that.. I am just thinking of this as I type it and my skin is going cold to think of that. What a horrible thing to do to a person. What a horrible thing to do to ME. And he THANKED me for keeping up with the calls and texts, that is gave me hope and faith and he knew I believed in him... I don't know what to say or think now...
But back to this revelation... He never left? How could be blatantly lie to me like that? How do you take advantage of someone's sympathies like that? How do you fake grief? Why would you? What was he getting out of this?

He was here... the whole time. That whole year we were long distance and I was working so hard to make it work... we broke up/separated for awhile because he wasn't putting enough effort into it... His visits were so short in the bigger perspective, a few hours, a day... so spaced out because of the expense and his family obligations... but that wasn't true either... he was right here. Je never left.
He was RIGHT here?